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Old 12-15-2017, 04:57 AM
 
6,744 posts, read 7,462,957 times
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hi

ive never posted in this particular section of this site before

anyway , myself and my partner have a sixteen month old boy , he is the best thing to ever happen to either of us , however , i would be content to leave it at that , my partner is upset as she wants another one but would be happy to just have two , i suspect she is hoping for a girl as she has such a close relationship with her own mother

i really have no desire for another child , the only reason i would see having another is that my son would not grow up an only child , you hear stories about how some people who are an only child , end up resenting their parents because of it , i have one brother and three sisters so i cannot imagine what its like not to be raised in an active and noisy home

is it an inherently selfish act towards my son ?
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Old 12-15-2017, 05:18 AM
 
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Some people grow up to be serial killers too, or worse... Politicians.

Just because *some* only children have issues doesn't mean we All do. Nor are we all selfish, spoiled or rotten. I know WAY more 3rd kids who fit those than I do only kids, who tend to get the brunt of heavy handed parenting, just like "first" children.

IMHO, this is a Relationship problem, not a Parenting/Child issue. You and your spouse have a disconnect, and it's NOT uncommon either. For one couple I know, they only got on the same page when her health was severely affected by being pregnant so they quit after that birth. Others bicker endlessly about have another, don't have another... but it's all communication and Someone will have to compromise.

Not a fun position to be in, but not uncommon.
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Old 12-15-2017, 05:27 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
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Having my first baby was traumatic enough (emergency c-section, spinal migraine, baby in NICU for several weeks) that I didn't think I'd ever be brave enough to do it again. A couple of years later I got pregnant again and it was unplanned, but it really completed our family. I can't imagine not having my youngest daughter.
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Old 12-15-2017, 07:22 AM
 
Location: Texas
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This is a question with no right answer. You will have as many people tell you it's selfish to relegate someone to being an only child as you'll have people tell you that being or having an only child is wonderful. Both can be ideal for a family.

I do agree with the previous poster who described this is a relationship issue. You and your partner need to be on the same page on this, or at the very least, respectful and understanding of each other's views.
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Old 12-15-2017, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Central IL
13,291 posts, read 7,072,226 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
hi

ive never posted in this particular section of this site before

anyway , myself and my partner have a sixteen month old boy , he is the best thing to ever happen to either of us , however , i would be content to leave it at that , my partner is upset as she wants another one but would be happy to just have two , i suspect she is hoping for a girl as she has such a close relationship with her own mother

i really have no desire for another child , the only reason i would see having another is that my son would not grow up an only child , you hear stories about how some people who are an only child , end up resenting their parents because of it , i have one brother and three sisters so i cannot imagine what its like not to be raised in an active and noisy home

is it an inherently selfish act towards my son ?
OMG - you don't do something as momentous as having a kid just on the off-chance your other kid at some point THINKS they want a sibling. Kids want a lot of things and they certainly don't always want a sibling to fight with and compete against...

Parents make the decisions on whether to have more kids - do what YOU think is best in terms of whether you want and can afford and will love (rather than resent) another child.

And if you can't manage to raise ONE child who isn't selfish and self-centered you certainly won't be able to raise two. It's not the job of a sibling to instill these values - the parents do that.
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Old 12-15-2017, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Texas
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Just a perspective from a young man I know. He resents growing up an only child. He recently told his parents he'll be lonely when they pass on. That's just how he feels about it, right or wrong.


I had an only child for quite a few years and I had to work hard to get play time for her with other kids. You will also find that certain parents aren't interested in setting up play dates. Sometimes they don't see the need because their child already has siblings to play with. IMO, you'll need to get the only child involved and enrolled in activities where they can be with other kids their own age. I'd also recommend making friends with other parents who have an only child. They can see things from your perspective and probably are more open to arranging play times for the kids.
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Old 12-15-2017, 08:30 AM
 
6,744 posts, read 7,462,957 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
OMG - you don't do something as momentous as having a kid just on the off-chance your other kid at some point THINKS they want a sibling. Kids want a lot of things and they certainly don't always want a sibling to fight with and compete against...

Parents make the decisions on whether to have more kids - do what YOU think is best in terms of whether you want and can afford and will love (rather than resent) another child.

And if you can't manage to raise ONE child who isn't selfish and self-centered you certainly won't be able to raise two. It's not the job of a sibling to instill these values - the parents do that.
my other half is very demanding , she sulks when she doesnt get her own way , i understand why she is this way , her own mother is exactly the same , i do love her very much despite all this ! , i also dont believe in there being a special person for everyone , no one is without traits you will dislike , i told her when we first met that i could not see past a first child , a year ago however i told her i did want another one , i thought i did at the time , she has only been talking about trying for another very recently so the subject wasnt coming up , i told her people are allowed to change their mind , that view evolve but she claims its too big of an issue to change your mind on

my partner could never support one child let alone two , she is terrible with money though does and has always had a job , i am the real bread winner so when it comes to an extra child , all the pressure is really on me , this is incredibly un PC but i really do believe i have the right to have the final say on most things , im a hundred times wealthier than my other half
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Old 12-15-2017, 09:20 AM
 
4,783 posts, read 4,647,893 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Just a perspective from a young man I know. He resents growing up an only child. He recently told his parents he'll be lonely when they pass on. That's just how he feels about it, right or wrong.
And I have a coworker who is an only child and loves it. He wouldn't have it any other way.



I never understand these questions. Everyone is different. Everyone has different situations. I know only children who love being the only child and I know one or two that wish they had a sibling. (I've never heard them say they resent their parents though.) I know people who have siblings and hate them. If you asked my husband if he liked having a sibling, he will tell you no because his brother beat the crap out of him regularly and was a total you-know-what to him all of his life.
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Old 12-15-2017, 09:31 AM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,962 posts, read 2,951,745 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
my partner could never support one child let alone two , she is terrible with money though does and has always had a job , i am the real bread winner so when it comes to an extra child , all the pressure is really on me , this is incredibly un PC but i really do believe i have the right to have the final say on most things , im a hundred times wealthier than my other half
All the pressure...other than actually carrying and birthing the child And presumably she does at least half the childcare.
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Old 12-15-2017, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,019,146 times
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I know people who grew up as an only child who are spoiled rotten jerks and the world revolves around them. I also know people who grew up as an only child who are very giving and take care of others. Most of it is how you are raised. Sure there's a bad egg once in awhile, but there's usually numerous warning signs that someone is off kilter.

If your wife is assuming that if she has a daughter, the daughter will grow up and be super close to her like she is with her mom, she's asking for a lifetime of heartache. Having another child has zero guarantee of a girl. If it's another boy? Will she want more? If you have a daughter, they may fight like crazy and just not get along even into adulthood. They could be exact opposites and have no common interests. She really needs to get this fairy tale out of her head where a daughter will be her BFF.
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