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They used to sneak around before they were "discovered." The child of has a history of sexual abuse, and he behaves inappropriately with her son when he's over at their house, within view of the parents.
He has stopped behaving so inappropriately now which is the only reason why I'm considering my son's request. He has not been allowed in our home for around 2 months and in public places like our church for example he now acts appropriately. The lack of contact has not deterred my son.
Apologies for my knee jerk hetero-normative assumptions.
But even if it is that 12 year old, I'd go with the "kill them with kindness" approach and be welcoming. I think a first time crush/relationship is more likely to fade away if you don't try to turn it into something forbidden. Sounds like that is the approach you are taking, and I think it really is the best thing. I'm sure this relationship will fizzle out sooner rather than later, but your son will never forget that you were accepting of him.
When you think about how many gay kids have problems and even attempt suicide, I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that you are affecting the course of his life by being loving and supportive even though you have legitimate questions about this particular partner. Gay or straight, no 15 year old is listening to their parents' (legitimate) questions about their first love but he will always remember that he was loved and supported by you.
Thank you Emm. I was not supportive at all at first which only made things worse.
There are things I have not tolerated and I don't regret it as it at least forced this boy and his parents to address his behavior. I think it will fizzle out eventually.
He has stopped behaving so inappropriately now which is the only reason why I'm considering my son's request. He has not been allowed in our home for around 2 months and in public places like our church for example he now acts appropriately. The lack of contact has not deterred my son.
Then I don't see that a couple hours' visit would hurt, provided they are not up in his room with the door closed.
Has your son gotten involved in other activities where the12-yr-old isn't?
Then I don't see that a couple hours' visit would hurt, provided they are not up in his room with the door closed.
Has your son gotten involved in other activities where the12-yr-old isn't?
Oh yes. They go to a different school and my son is involved in sports/other clubs not to mention the 12 year old now has quite a busy schedule. I do when they see each other -it is never very long, always supervised and never in my home.
And your son wants the people HE feels closest to. at 15, dating for only 3 months isn't relevant, he feels close enough to his girlfriend to want to spend time with her. Be respectful of his feelings, this is the start of transitioning to relating to each other as adults and not adult to child.
I agree with everything you said especially the bolded. Besides that, it's a nice experience to share other's holidays and see how they celebrate. At that age I went to a Christmas eve dinner at my Italian boyfriends house and wow... the food was amazing and I loved being surrounded by the bazillion relatives that he had. It's been over 50 years and I'll never forget that night.
I’m hoping the answer will be no.
My teenager is 15 and has been asking to do this which I just find odd.
No. I would not. Holidays are family time. A 15 year old boy or girlfriend has their own family. That's where they should be.
I am not a fan of encouraging young teenage relationships. By spending a holiday together, they are doing something reserved for engaged or married couples. It takes the relationship a step further and promotes it to become more intimate and enmeshed. On every level.
At 15, going to a movie or sporting event is normal. Attending a school or church event is fine. Going to a concert together, spending a day with other friends at an amusement park, beach, or other activity are all acceptable. Walk around the mall or your town all you want. Preferably, with other friends.
I don't agree with any of the following - Going on a vacation with a friend of the opposite sex. (or the same, if they are not hetero)
- Being involved with family life events - weddings etc. with a BF or
GF at a young age.
- spending the night or sleepovers with a B- spending major holiday
with BF or GF
- Over night camping. (not at a camp) with a BF/GF Or over night
excursions not affiliated with school.
If they want to exchange gifts later in the day? Fine. However, the two should not be so inseparable that spending spending a day apart should cause great anxiety or distress.
Early High School is not the time to be finding a finacee - or a baby mama.
No. I would not. Holidays are family time. A 15 year old boy or girlfriend has their own family. That's where they should be.
I am not a fan of encouraging young teenage relationships. By spending a holiday together, they are doing something reserved for engaged or married couples. It takes the relationship a step further and promotes it to become more intimate and enmeshed. On every level.
At 15, going to a movie or sporting event is normal. Attending a school or church event is fine. Going to a concert together, spending a day with other friends at an amusement park, beach, or other activity are all acceptable. Walk around the mall or your town all you want. Preferably, with other friends.
I don't agree with any of the following - Going on a vacation with a friend of the opposite sex. (or the same, if they are not hetero)
- Being involved with family life events - weddings etc. with a BF or
GF at a young age.
- spending the night or sleepovers with a B- spending major holiday
with BF or GF
- Over night camping. (not at a camp) with a BF/GF Or over night
excursions not affiliated with school.
If they want to exchange gifts later in the day? Fine. However, the two should not be so inseparable that spending spending a day apart should cause great anxiety or distress.
Early High School is not the time to be finding a finacee - or a baby mama.
When I was a kid I lived in apartments and we spent the bulk of the day still playing outside. After morning traditions and pre Christmas dinner, there was a lot of "down time". I didn't marry any of the neighborhood kids. Nor did I feel like I was going to at the time.
As a teen I spent a lot of holiday time going around and visiting friends and boyfriends and family. Didn't marry any of them.
PS........going on vacation with the opposite sex for the OP's kids would be the least of her worries.
Christmas here consists of gifts and maybe playing a game together in the morning and a big meal around 2 in the afternoon. Then we just lounge around. Sometimes we'll have friends over or go to a friend's house. Sometimes we'll have company staying with us. (Our extended family lives far away.) But it's not like we're all sitting on top of each other all day... "family time" doesn't really take up all of the waking hours.
I'd also let my kid go with a romantic partner or a friend of either sex to a wedding if they were invited or even on vacation with their family. Or they could invite their boy/girlfriend/platonic friend along to those events. I don't really see a problem. My teenage daughter and her best friend were discussing having a sleepover with two male friends... all of the parents discussed it and all seem to agree that it would be fine. I know it's not the same as having a sleepover with a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I also don't think there's any use in trying to micromanage teens in most cases. You have to trust your kid. And nothing bad is going to happen if they spend a few hours together on Christmas.
Welcome the young lady into your celebration and allow your young man to attend hers.
Your son is entering a new phase in his journey to adulthood. There are going to be lots of "shared" holidays in his future and your disapproval will not be good.
While I wouldn't want him to be MIA for the entire day, I see no reason why he can't spend a couple of hours with her and her family. Why would you deny him the opportunity to share the celebration?
She may not be important to you but she is to him. Merry Christmas.
re: My original post - I falsely assumed this to be a boy/girl friendship because of the title of the thread. I apologize for that.
I do not apologize for the advice I gave but that's because I didn't have all the facts. It took another poster to bring this thread up to speed. With new information, I'm sure many of us would have offered different advice.
BUT, if the relationship was not colored by the age of the friend, I would stand by my original recommendation.
OP, it would have been better had you offered a recap in your initial post of the circumstances surrounding your objection to sharing your son on Christmas.
I’m hoping the answer will be no.
My teenager is 15 and has been asking to do this which I just find odd.
My initial reaction:
No. We have two teens and a pre-teen. Christmas is a family day. We aren't even Christian. It's just a family holiday, end of story. They can get together to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve.
My reaction after reading this thread:
There are a lot of good points here. Maybe a good compromise would be Christmas morning together until 2, then a few hours at her place, then asking them both to come over for dessert and pictures afterwards.
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