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Old 01-08-2018, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
21,522 posts, read 8,632,652 times
Reputation: 16061

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLDSoon View Post
I say go with the share custody and document everything approach if she really is unfit, though honestly she doesn’t sound LEGALLY unfit...to me anyway.
That's what I suggested to him, if he really thinks mom is unfit if he has 50% custody he will be able to document 'why' the court might agree with him and then go back to court to get full custody. I can't see any way a judge is going to take custody away from the mom at this point.
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Old 01-08-2018, 12:35 PM
 
2,663 posts, read 2,748,180 times
Reputation: 5626
Rage, despite your frustration with not seeing your son more, you've actually got it pretty good right now. You see him most weekends.

Regarding the older two - you didn't adopt them, so I believe you have no legal obligation toward them. If you are still listed as their legal guardian, and no longer want to be, I think that you can and should relinquish that legal guardianship.

There is nothing wrong with the fact that you want custody of YOUR child, and not the other two. Yes, they've been dealt a crappy hand, but you don't have to take on that problem, especially if it affects YOUR child. And if the older brother is abusing your son, then it may very well be appropriate for your son to be with you full time. This may be key, going forward. Every time you see your son, ask him how his week was, what was the best thing that happened, what was the worst thing that happened, and just listen. Encourage him to talk, just say, "Uh huh, uh huh, how did that make you feel, open ended questions. NOT "Did your older brother hit you this week." If he's consistently coming back with stories that his older brother is hitting him, encourage him to tell his teacher, his school counselor, any trusted adult who works at the school about the older brother beating on him. They are mandated reporters - meaning they HAVE to notify DCF, and then DCF HAS to investigate. Of course, if you ever notice a mark on him, take him to the ER. Tell them he came to you bruised. They will ask him, alone, what happened, and they will notify DCF. THey HAVE to, they're mandated reporter. If all is as you say, if DCF decides he's not safe with the older brother there, and you have a solid track record of consistent stable visitation, and you have a good home for him, they will pull him out of there and place him with you.

If your son were living with you full time, how would you manage working and caring for him? Who would stay with him when he's sick, when school lets out early, when there's a school closing, all that stuff? Do you have a flexible work schedule? Do you have family support? Do you have backup childcare?

Do you drink? Do you do drugs, including marijuana? If so, better get totally clean now, and stay clean, because DCF is less likely to place a kid with a father who drinks or does drugs.

Go to all his medical appointments, and make sure you are pleasant, agreeable, and non-confrontational there. Offer to schedule his medical appointments. Offer to take him, really nicely. Be exceedingly nice to his mother. NEVER fight with her about ANYTHING. You want her to feel that she can rely on you to take care of him, and that you're not a problem for her.

Perhaps, if he is not in danger or being abused, you are better off for the time being, being really, really nice to his mother (but only interact with her regarding him - don't try to make her think you want to get back together). Pay her the child support that the court has ordered, willingly and on time. Gently and gradually increase the time you have with him, without making it legal. If she lives in a district with bad schools, buy or rent at least a 2 bedroom in an area with fantastic schools. Then, when any issue comes up in the bad district, you can gently suggest that he could transfer to YOUR excellent school district, without a change in custody. Offer to drive him back and forth every day, so it's no work for her (for now...).

Do you get the idea? You're not going to win by having a fight. But you could charm your way into getting what you want. She's gonna have her hands full with the two older ones and her own mental health problems. The worse she is, and the better you are, the sooner you're gonna wind up with what you want. At best, full custody and no child support. At worst, him still being with you a great deal of the time.

You would easily get joint legal and good visitation, at least every other weekend and one weeknight a week, if you were to go to court. You might be able to get 50% visitation - every other Fri, Sat, and Sun night.And no, you don't have to take the older two. No judge would expect you to, if you didn't adopt them. You will never get sole legal custody of him without a tremendous, very expensive battle. You won't be able to prove her an unfit parent unless she is so bad that the State would take custody of them anyway.

Good luck to you. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.
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Old 01-08-2018, 03:37 PM
 
510 posts, read 494,322 times
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Well, "2sleepy" and "parentologist", thank you very much.

To "parentologist" the middle part of hour past inquired into my legal or medical history; it's spotless. No arrests, no drugs, ever. The only allegations were because of the stepson claiming me to be an "authoritarian". Even the CPS people said his claims were excessive, especially in light of my financial standing, and the excellent the other 2 kid's excellent social, physical and, academic standing(s).

They mostly separated us because of the stepfather/stepson relationship, and "a potential for me to retaliate for the claims he has made". ...but, even though I haven't done anything illegal (or else I wouldn't be online now), I don't like him, I can't even pretend to like him. He is arrogant, and entitled even though he meets no basic standards of academics, hygiene or, manners and, now that CPS has isolated him from the only source of discipline he ever had, his behavior is much worse. Perhaps they were right to separate us... but, this doesn't exempt the fact that my son is better off with me than a teen that carries the vibe of a school shooter and, his mom who can't control her kids, or herself.

However, you are both right, I do see him enough, with few enough disruptions that I should hold position for now instead of jumping the gun.

Last edited by RageX; 01-08-2018 at 04:19 PM..
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Old 01-08-2018, 06:47 PM
 
9,312 posts, read 5,365,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RageX View Post
Well, "2sleepy" and "parentologist", thank you very much.

To "parentologist" the middle part of hour past inquired into my legal or medical history; it's spotless. No arrests, no drugs, ever. The only allegations were because of the stepson claiming me to be an "authoritarian". Even the CPS people said his claims were excessive, especially in light of my financial standing, and the excellent the other 2 kid's excellent social, physical and, academic standing(s).

They mostly separated us because of the stepfather/stepson relationship, and "a potential for me to retaliate for the claims he has made". ...but, even though I haven't done anything illegal (or else I wouldn't be online now), I don't like him, I can't even pretend to like him. He is arrogant, and entitled even though he meets no basic standards of academics, hygiene or, manners and, now that CPS has isolated him from the only source of discipline he ever had, his behavior is much worse. Perhaps they were right to separate us... but, this doesn't exempt the fact that my son is better off with me than a teen that carries the vibe of a school shooter and, his mom who can't control her kids, or herself.

However, you are both right, I do see him enough, with few enough disruptions that I should hold position for now instead of jumping the gun.
Have you ever heard the theory that when you feel a strong dislike for someone or their traits that you really are being faced with things you don't like or fear about yourself and can not accept those traits in yourself. And seeing them in others just reminds you of your own failings? Its a good theory. I live by it. Its like 80% of why I post and read on CD...to look at those issues for myself. I find a lot
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Old 01-09-2018, 05:11 AM
 
5,180 posts, read 3,383,216 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
Have you ever heard the theory that when you feel a strong dislike for someone or their traits that you really are being faced with things you don't like or fear about yourself and can not accept those traits in yourself. And seeing them in others just reminds you of your own failings? Its a good theory. I live by it. Its like 80% of why I post and read on CD...to look at those issues for myself. I find a lot
Aah so that explains your posts in this thread. At lest you are aware.
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Old 01-09-2018, 10:13 AM
 
9,312 posts, read 5,365,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
Aah so that explains your posts in this thread. At lest you are aware.
Interestingly enough, not to turn it about me, but yes. The OP's feelings/behavior towards his step son is a trigger for me. There was a time when I wasn't an awesome step mom. I really missed the boat. My step kids were acting up and I didn't respond in the way they needed, I judged them and missed a great opportunity to be a better parent. I did pull it together and am close with them now, but, yeah...it makes me feel bad to be reminded of that time...and it makes me angry to see it from a different perspective.

I also was a kid who acted out (for good reasons) but treated like I was trash. The kid deserves better.
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:43 PM
 
510 posts, read 494,322 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
Have you ever heard the theory that when you feel a strong dislike for someone or their traits that you really are being faced with things you don't like or fear about yourself and can not accept those traits in yourself. And seeing them in others just reminds you of your own failings? Its a good theory. I live by it. Its like 80% of why I post and read on CD...to look at those issues for myself. I find a lot
Yes, it's a valid premise. I actually feel this exact way about a co-worker of mine but, that's another story.

Well, my primary disagreement is that you think I was the one that made him poorly behaved. Since he turned like 11 and just started not doing anything anyone says, he got bounced around from one class to another, because his teacherz didn't want to deal with him, his actual mom and dad argue not whoever gets to spend more time with him but, who gets to spend more time away from him.

Meanwhile, I, not his biological parents, have been helping with his homework, meeting with his teachers, councelors and, principals all telling me he needs extensive therapy (which he may need). Most of these same people, who have far more experience than I, have seen the job I have done with the other 2 and, agree it is the stepson.

Even when he was smaller, he always treated his mom and I, like it was our fault she left his dad, when his dad never put a ring on it, and was living off of her money. Now, he's a 59 year old legally homeless, who hasn't had a paystub-job in the past 15 years, dude sleeping in the garage/shed on his friend's mom's property but... it's just a mess.

Out of all this I have been the only even trying to be a constant in his life and, he has done nothing but disdespect me for it because, his life experience from almost everyone else has been to change groups every couple months. At a certain point, he needs to realize, it's him.

...and now that kid is the only semi-adult male influence in the place where my small son resides, and he knows it. Now he just bullies his mom saying stuff like, "School is too conformist for me, I don't need to go." Or, "I learned in class that slavery, and colnialism were legal too, so that means laws are an outdated concept." His sister tells me his behavior has gotten much worse, hopefully I'm wrong and his next report card isn't written on by almost every teacher wanting to meet with me about hiw much he's not doing.

So no, it's not me (well at least not for this), no matter how much I might remind of someone who may have actually been pretty mean.
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Old 01-09-2018, 01:58 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
3,231 posts, read 2,484,063 times
Reputation: 8655
Quote:
Originally Posted by RageX View Post
Now he just bullies his mom saying stuff like, "School is too conformist for me, I don't need to go." Or, "I learned in class that slavery, and colnialism were legal too, so that means laws are an outdated concept." His sister tells me his behavior has gotten much worse, hopefully I'm wrong and his next report card isn't written on by almost every teacher wanting to meet with me about hiw much he's not doing.
He sounds like a smart slacker who needs a challenge.

If this were my kid, I'd be considering sending him to a vocational program, job corps, an magnet school focused on something that interests him, etc. He also needs psych support and mentorship.

Given the complete lack of affection and high degree of rejection it sounds like this kid has experienced, plus a family history of mental illness, I'm actually surprised he isn't worse than he is.
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Old 01-09-2018, 02:04 PM
 
510 posts, read 494,322 times
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To "frostnip" unfortunately now that CPS has separated me from the rest of the household, I have no direct input on the schooling for the stepson. It is dependent on his mom, who ...well she's not good at this stuff... I always had to manage that for her too. I worked, payed the rent, the electricity, cooking gas, food (including the comfort food items) dealt with all the school related issues for all 3 kids, took them places like zoos and museums ...while she continuously said, "I wasn't doing enough".
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Old 01-09-2018, 02:08 PM
 
2,450 posts, read 991,848 times
Reputation: 6704
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLDSoon View Post
I cant shake the feeling that there’s more going on here. More than just a crazy mum that shouldn’t have custody. Okay so the mother has some mental issues. But not bad enough that the authorities have seen it fit to take her kids away even after investigating the teenager’s suicide threat. So while I believe she is probably not well, i don’t believe, based only on what you posted here, that she is nuts enough to win full custody against; seeing as she has two out of three well adjusted kids.

What’s your story? Aside from you being the more financially stable one i cant shake the feeling that you have other things going on too. Why didn’t you re-enlist? You mentioned a friend with PTSD, and foregoing ‘ more money’ in favor of being with your son. Is that an issue you have too? Why would your wife want to ‘play that card’? Are there incidents that have occurred that could validate her claim?

I say go with the share custody and document everything approach if she really is unfit, though honestly she doesn’t sound LEGALLY unfit...to me anyway.

ETA: Also why is she living on the city’s dime? She is still your wife and has your kid(s).
Shouldn’t you be supporting them?
Agree there has to be more to the story...

Also agree, she's on welfare? She's the OPs wife with his son... where is the money?
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