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Old 12-30-2017, 02:05 PM
 
10,014 posts, read 6,106,649 times
Reputation: 23375

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ylisa7 View Post
Thanks for your opinion. No this is not a pattern for me. I don't lie about or to people. I am not trying to change his decision making I think he went about it the wrong way with me, an adult, and yes with his daughter.

I saw the other views from the posters...even agreed with some. I just don't see any way of fixing him and I was venting here as opposed to saying anything to a teenager. You should understand that.

He doesn't know she told me about the counseling thing and I just felt bad that he wouldn't get her help.

And I'm sorry but if my child received a book I didn't approve of I would tell the adult who sent it and ask them to please clear it with me before they sent others. Kids can be excused for bad behavior adults don't have an excuse.
I am not saying you are doing wrong, really. But she is a minor and its safe to say the father isn't interested in your feelings on his child rearing. I don't agree with how he handled it, but it isn't to say it was wrong. It just sounds like how he deals with things.

My husband doesn't get along with his brother so our connection to his kids is pretty limited. Once the older ones have "aged out", we have some more contact with them then we did before, but mostly facebook and family events. We just avoid family drama now. We cant fix or save the kids...we learned the hard way. But most of them are more resilient then we expected...and some are following in his foot steps (he has a load of kids).

So I guess the mom in me does understand how I would feel if I thought someone was meddling (and I really wouldn't feel required to explain myself...even if I wouldn't lie to my kid, lots of people do). I don't know if your BIL feels that way but it sounds like he might. And I can see the other side, but with advice to take a giant step back because...it doesn't seem to be working for you. Or helpful for your niece at this point.

But hey, these are just my gut feelings based on a few words you have posted.
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Old 12-30-2017, 02:05 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
69,466 posts, read 60,555,417 times
Reputation: 63612
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
I'd say it was normal if she were 6. Maybe if she was 10. But 16?? I couldn't imagine going into my teens' mail and taking out a book I found objectionable. Totally overbearing and inappropriate. (And the book is fine... but even if it were more edgy, she's 16!)
Yes, this extreme control sounds like he's a potential abuser. What possible reason would he have to suspect some kind of inappropriate content in a gift from a relative? That's not normal. His searching of his daughters' mail seems to have become compulsive.
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Old 12-30-2017, 02:11 PM
 
10,014 posts, read 6,106,649 times
Reputation: 23375
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Yes, this extreme control sounds like he's a potential abuser. What possible reason would he have to suspect some kind of inappropriate content in a gift from a relative? That's not normal. His searching of his daughters' mail seems to have become compulsive.
We don't have this guy's side of the story at all.
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Old 12-30-2017, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Early America
1,328 posts, read 627,223 times
Reputation: 2813
Quote:
Originally Posted by ylisa7 View Post
Thanks for your opinion. No this is not a pattern for me. I don't lie about or to people. I am not trying to change his decision making I think he went about it the wrong way with me, an adult, and yes with his daughter.

I saw the other views from the posters...even agreed with some. I just don't see any way of fixing him and I was venting here as opposed to saying anything to a teenager. You should understand that.

He doesn't know she told me about the counseling thing and I just felt bad that he wouldn't get her help.
You are going on what she told you which may or may not be true.

Quote:
And I'm sorry but if my child received a book I didn't approve of I would tell the adult who sent it and ask them to please clear it with me before they sent others. Kids can be excused for bad behavior adults don't have an excuse.
I don't know. Maybe he thought you would jump to conclusions about his decision like you are doing now. You could ask him if he thought the book was inappropriate for her. Unless I misunderstood, you haven't read the book. He had the advantage of personally reviewing it.
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Old 12-30-2017, 03:03 PM
 
5,983 posts, read 2,982,471 times
Reputation: 12049
Quote:
Originally Posted by ylisa7 View Post
I don't live close to my niece although I have spent many hours over the last 4 years or so talking with her on the phone. In October she turned 16. I have heard many of her ups and downs and of course the drama of teenagers. She does have some real problems and I try to get her to feel good about herself and stay on the "happy" pile.

Anyway I am not one for sending gifts at regular times but her 16th birthday was in October and I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her on that day. I sent her a cute stuffed goat as she loves goats, I sent her some candy that she likes, and also a book that I thought might be helpful to her if she chose to read it. When I asked her if she received her gifts she said she loved them. She then told me her father opened her box without her there are wrapped my gifts for her. She thought that was so sweet. I asked her about the book and she said she never got a book. She told me it must not of come so I sent her the invoice and tracking slip and told her it was all in the same package. I still don't think she believes me. I let it go but it still bothers me just a bit.


So do you think this book was inappropriate for a 16 year old with some issues? And what do you think about her father hiding it from her? If he didn't approve he should have told her and said something to me instead of opening her things and taking it away on the sly.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/16...?ie=UTF8&psc=1
1. You should've cleared it w/the parents, since it's a how-to about feelings and such. (as opposed to, say, a "How to invest when you're young" financial book)

2. Father was definitely wrong to steal the book, which is what he did. He's a thief. Even when someone lives in his house, those people, even minors, OWN certain things. He does not own everything given to others who live in his house. If he takes things, he's a thief.

3. Father was wrong not to talk to you about the book. Otherwise, you'll just send another one.

4. Father was wrong not to tell his daughter that he stole one of her gifts.

5. Are you SURE they were all in the same box, and the box was unopened? Delivery men DO steal things. Did you put all the gifts in that box yourself? It was wrapped with package tape?

The dad probably did steal it, since he opened her gifts without her present. Which is bizarre in and of itself. If that girl thinks that was a sweet thing for him to do, she's a lost cause. Move on. She's not your kid.
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Old 12-30-2017, 08:03 PM
 
4,684 posts, read 2,361,802 times
Reputation: 20317
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
I think you know the answer. Dad opened it, didn't like some aspect of it (it looks ok but I wouldn't get self help books for kids who weren't mine) and tossed it and didn't give it to his daughter. I think it would be almost expected with what you know about him. In the future, I might just bounce it off the dad.


Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
I think it is odd for the father to be opening mail, but she is 16 and he is her father and he gets to decide what books she can read.

What I think was really inappropriate is your determination to prove to the child that you sent the book. Are you trying to start a fight between the girl and her father? As soon as you heard she didn't get the book, you should have backed out of that conversation and taken it up with her father instead of with the 16 year old.


If someone had sent my teen sons a gift --someone I didn't know that well or maybe I did know, I would have probably taken a sneak peek at the gift. Or if they had opened it and I felt it was inappropriate, it would have disappeared.
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Old 12-30-2017, 09:02 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
7,659 posts, read 7,038,445 times
Reputation: 15492
I think the gift and the book was very sweet.

I think all you can do in this situation is just keep being there for her.

You'll never know the great good you may be doing for her.
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Old 12-30-2017, 10:26 PM
 
13,521 posts, read 22,213,261 times
Reputation: 17996
I think that the OP is the problem. If you are going to give a gift like that, you should have cleared it with the father first. PERIOD.
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Old 12-30-2017, 10:48 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,062 posts, read 12,840,663 times
Reputation: 18511
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplySagacious View Post
discussing counseling with the kid rather than the parent is overstepping boundaries too.
I totally disagree with that. If a kid feels like they need help and parents for whatever reason don't try to get them that help, I not only feel that it's a right, but it's an obligation to help that child if asked. I know it's going to going to be an unpopular opinion but parents don't always do whats best for their child if it conflicts with their own agenda, "it's too expensive, it's too embarrassing, we don't air our dirty laundry, it's just a phase", ect.
And if there are real problems at home what makes you think a parent wants a kid telling some counselor what's really going on?
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Old 12-31-2017, 03:30 AM
 
1,050 posts, read 584,898 times
Reputation: 2606
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlawrence01 View Post
I think that the OP is the problem. If you are going to give a gift like that, you should have cleared it with the father first. PERIOD.
^OP, please ignore this and the other similar replies.^

Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
I totally disagree with that. If a kid feels like they need help and parents for whatever reason don't try to get them that help, I not only feel that it's a right, but it's an obligation to help that child if asked. I know it's going to going to be an unpopular opinion but parents don't always do whats best for their child if it conflicts with their own agenda, "it's too expensive, it's too embarrassing, we don't air our dirty laundry, it's just a phase", ect.
And if there are real problems at home what makes you think a parent wants a kid telling some counselor what's really going on?
^This poster has it right!^
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