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Old 12-31-2017, 02:30 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
65,551 posts, read 55,798,694 times
Reputation: 57997

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBuenaVida View Post
I think you overstepped. It's not your place to decide whether someone else's child is depressed and/or needs counseling or even a book like that. She's a teenager! Life is full of angst at that age. Since you don't have children of your own, you might not have experienced the roller coaster teens are.
I gather that's exactly why the book was written. For angsty teens.
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Old 12-31-2017, 02:39 PM
 
530 posts, read 910,364 times
Reputation: 1129
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBuenaVida View Post
I think you overstepped. It's not your place to decide whether someone else's child is depressed and/or needs counseling or even a book like that. She's a teenager! Life is full of angst at that age. Since you don't have children of your own, you might not have experienced the roller coaster teens are.

You've painted a very one-sided picture of a man who is not even here to defend himself on a PUBLIC forum. Other posters are even suggesting abuse! I think you know that it is not true because if it is and you did not report it, then it's on you. It's odd that all of his other family members think he is a good father except for...3 of you. Considering you spend little time with the family maybe you don't see how he is the rest of the time. I can imagine how difficult it would be to raise 4 daughters by myself. Does he have a job, a house? Are the girls hungry or dirty?

When you say he is controlling...well many kids who don't want to follow rules would say the same thing. Being a strong disciplinarian is not the same as being controlling. Again, I think what you've heard from the daughter may have been a little dramatic.

Why did he open the gifts? Sounds like he has problems with YOU and your DH and probably wanted to check what was in the package. There's obviously more history there than you've let on.

I have no idea why you felt the need to prove yourself by sending the invoice and tracking number. Was it to drive a wedge between the father and daughter? Was it more important that you were "right"? Since this happened over 2 months ago - and you apparently are not going to speak to the father - it's probably time to let it go.
I agree. The more I read from the OP, the more I think he/she is a huge part of the problem. I can't understand why the OP is OBSESSING about a $10 book-a very questionable book at that. I don't know any teens that would benefit from a book telling them life sucks and that according to reviews has horrible lines like: "The more you try not to have certain thoughts and certain feelings, the more you'll have them. The more you try to be always happy and confident, the worse you might feel." Really?? The teen suicide rate and drug abuse rate etc. is high these days, and I wouldn't want my teens to have exposure to some psychologist planting more negative thoughts in their heads.

I also don't think the father would want to tell the OP the gift is inappropriate because the father surely knows the OP doesn't like him and that the OP seems to think he/she knows more about these teen girls than the father does, which is not only offensive but absurd. Overall The OP sounds like a meddling distant relative, who would drive many parents crazy. Helpful relatives who are truly concerned about troubled teens do not act this way.

Last edited by ellar; 12-31-2017 at 02:48 PM..
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Old 12-31-2017, 05:05 PM
 
184 posts, read 49,494 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
I gather that's exactly why the book was written. For angsty teens.
I think you've missed the point. She is NOT the parent. The decision of how to parent is left to the father, not a long-distance aunt who doesn't even like (and presumably doesn't respect) the father. You don't hide anonymously behind a keyboard and publicly malign (and possibly slander) both the father AND the mother of children you supposedly care about. All of the things she writes are forever "out there" and they may possibly read those things one day.

I assume the OP is not a child psychologist nor is she a mother. What qualifications does she have to "treat" the girl? Would you bring your sick child to an auto mechanic? Since child services were called and apparently found no wrong-doing, everyone should stop jumping into the drama.
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Old 12-31-2017, 06:04 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in TN
8,474 posts, read 12,146,760 times
Reputation: 16461
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBuenaVida View Post
I think you've missed the point. She is NOT the parent. The decision of how to parent is left to the father, not a long-distance aunt who doesn't even like (and presumably doesn't respect) the father. You don't hide anonymously behind a keyboard and publicly malign (and possibly slander) both the father AND the mother of children you supposedly care about. All of the things she writes are forever "out there" and they may possibly read those things one day.

I assume the OP is not a child psychologist nor is she a mother. What qualifications does she have to "treat" the girl? Would you bring your sick child to an auto mechanic? Since child services were called and apparently found no wrong-doing, everyone should stop jumping into the drama.
She isn't attempting to 'treat' the girl, rather she is trying to provide some resources, huge difference. What does being a mother have to do with anything? Becoming a parent doesn't magically endow you with any special insight or knowledge (look at all the crappy parenting out there!)
If the girl is coming to her for help then doesn't it seem very possible that her parent isn't meeting all of her needs? Where should she turn for help if her father refuses to find her counseling if that's what she wants? To be precise I mean help in getting the counseling, not as in OP providing counseling like some of you seem to assume is meant.
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Old 01-01-2018, 02:00 AM
 
4,289 posts, read 2,077,819 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ylisa7 View Post

I get it but wouldn't you have told the sender?
It would depend on the person. If I thought it would bring up a debate, I would not be interested in defending my decision.
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Old 01-01-2018, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Canada
4,245 posts, read 2,952,310 times
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The book has high ratings, but it sounds like the father is in denial that there is a problem in the household he controls. The book is probably in the trash so there is most likely no use in asking him about it.

It sounds like one very messed up family your niece and her siblings have. Kudos to you for being there for her. Teenage-hood is difficult enough without a control freak for a father and a mentally unstable mother who isn't in the picture.

OP, from experience, if you can at ALL handle her living with you, PLEASE at least offer this to her.

How I wish I had offered our home to my nephew when I knew that he was having mental (depression) issues. He grew up in a home with my brother/SIL who fought often. It wasn't a peaceful place for this boy who needed stability.

He moved away and within a couple of months he took his own life. He was 29 years old. I think he felt there was nowhere for him to go and no one to turn to. I live with guilt in thinking we could maybe have helped him and didn't.
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Old 01-03-2018, 07:45 PM
 
2,237 posts, read 2,313,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ylisa7 View Post
I don't live close to my niece although I have spent many hours over the last 4 years or so talking with her on the phone. In October she turned 16. I have heard many of her ups and downs and of course the drama of teenagers. She does have some real problems and I try to get her to feel good about herself and stay on the "happy" pile.

Anyway I am not one for sending gifts at regular times but her 16th birthday was in October and I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her on that day. I sent her a cute stuffed goat as she loves goats, I sent her some candy that she likes, and also a book that I thought might be helpful to her if she chose to read it. When I asked her if she received her gifts she said she loved them. She then told me her father opened her box without her there are wrapped my gifts for her. She thought that was so sweet. I asked her about the book and she said she never got a book. She told me it must not of come so I sent her the invoice and tracking slip and told her it was all in the same package. I still don't think she believes me. I let it go but it still bothers me just a bit.


So do you think this book was inappropriate for a 16 year old with some issues? And what do you think about her father hiding it from her? If he didn't approve he should have told her and said something to me instead of opening her things and taking it away on the sly.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/16...?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I would give my 15 year old son that book. In fact, I talked to him about the best seller, "The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck".

I would guess it is more that the father doesn't want the poor girl to feel better / do better / get stronger.

I'm sorry.
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Old Yesterday, 09:32 AM
 
13,749 posts, read 14,641,546 times
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lisa, I imagine the father opening the box and taking the book is just the tip of the iceberg in the household. I would assume he took the book for whatever reason, but you'll have to let it go. Keep the lines of communication open with the girl and listen when she talks to you. Talk to her about school, and her plans for the future, and give her some hope. If it's feasible, offer to let her come live with you when she turns 18 and/or graduates from high school. If it's not feasible, just keep being there for her.
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Old Yesterday, 10:01 AM
 
3,253 posts, read 2,930,354 times
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I think most of these comments are prettty harsh on the father. I try to imagine dealing with the trauma of the break up of a marriage with a mentally ill wife 10 years ago, when the oldest was 8 years old, right? Trying to hold it all together after that.


Then whatever issues he was dealing with regarding the 18 year old. The OP didn't go into details on that.


Now, he is trying to raise the other three. I could see being paranoid about some book dealing with teen angst. He is probably worried it will trigger her somehow.


Parenting isn't easy and it's very easy to sit on the sidelines and second-guess every decision.


By the way, I once threw out a book my ex sent to my son. It was about how to cure himself from being gay. To this day, my son doesn't know about that book. I have never opened his mail since. But I felt that book would have been extremely harmful to him and I will defend the decision to throw it out with my dying breath. He wasn't at all interested in being "cured".


Now, this dad might be a horrible father. Without more details, it's hard to say.


I wouldn't send a self-help book to a teen unless I myself had read the thing from cover to cover. Teens are very sensitive and this one seems to have issues as well. I would be concerned that it could do more harm than good. If I were the father, I would have read the book first and then discussed with the teen whether or not I wanted to her to read it and why.
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Old Today, 08:13 AM
 
2,649 posts, read 974,458 times
Reputation: 7638
Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
I would give my 15 year old son that book. In fact, I talked to him about the best seller, "The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck".

I would guess it is more that the father doesn't want the poor girl to feel better / do better / get stronger.

I'm sorry.
I doubt the bolded would be his motivation. There are people who strongly believe in keeping a stiff upper lip and soldiering on rather than wallowing in unhappiness.

My experience is the truth is somewhere in the middle. Kids who are struggling with anxiety/depression do need time to try to heal, and deserve an empathetic ear and support.

But sometimes, a parent has to say stop complaining, your negative attitude is ruining your life. What can we do to bump you off this self-pitying cycle?

So yeah. He may not be the warmest fuzziest dad, but my guess is that he does want her to feel better/do better/get stronger.
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