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Old 12-30-2017, 06:49 AM
Status: "OMG...does the county building department know anything!!!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,034 posts, read 24,909,124 times
Reputation: 86796

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I don't live close to my niece although I have spent many hours over the last 4 years or so talking with her on the phone. In October she turned 16. I have heard many of her ups and downs and of course the drama of teenagers. She does have some real problems and I try to get her to feel good about herself and stay on the "happy" pile.

Anyway I am not one for sending gifts at regular times but her 16th birthday was in October and I just wanted her to know I was thinking of her on that day. I sent her a cute stuffed goat as she loves goats, I sent her some candy that she likes, and also a book that I thought might be helpful to her if she chose to read it. When I asked her if she received her gifts she said she loved them. She then told me her father opened her box without her there are wrapped my gifts for her. She thought that was so sweet. I asked her about the book and she said she never got a book. She told me it must not of come so I sent her the invoice and tracking slip and told her it was all in the same package. I still don't think she believes me. I let it go but it still bothers me just a bit.


So do you think this book was inappropriate for a 16 year old with some issues? And what do you think about her father hiding it from her? If he didn't approve he should have told her and said something to me instead of opening her things and taking it away on the sly.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/16...?ie=UTF8&psc=1
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Old 12-30-2017, 07:26 AM
 
Location: Kansas
19,190 posts, read 13,494,052 times
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The book seems fine to me. Has she or yourself asked the father if the book might have been misplaced? That would be a possibility that I wouldn't rule out. It could have just slipped behind something. Maybe the father is reading it. Is there any chance that the father sees you as intruding on their relationship? Is there a mother in the picture or are you a sort of mother substitute?

I would ask the father if the 16 year old doesn't want to ask as that way, if he has had issue, you might learn what it is and avoid a conflict in the future. She is HIS daughter.
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Old 12-30-2017, 07:32 AM
 
3,577 posts, read 9,032,922 times
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I suspect the father could not get past the title. Book would probably be fine but maybe he has an issue with the word used and a 16 year old girl? I would only talk directly to him if you really want to know why. Maybe he still hopes his little girl is still a little girl?
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Old 12-30-2017, 07:49 AM
 
11,232 posts, read 12,579,480 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
I suspect the father could not get past the title. Book would probably be fine but maybe he has an issue with the word used and a 16 year old girl? I would only talk directly to him if you really want to know why. Maybe he still hopes his little girl is still a little girl?
My first thought too.

However, why did he open a package addressed to her from her aunt when it clearly was intended to be for her birthday? I would find that more disturbing. Does he not like/trust the OP?
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Old 12-30-2017, 08:12 AM
Status: "OMG...does the county building department know anything!!!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,034 posts, read 24,909,124 times
Reputation: 86796
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
The book seems fine to me. Has she or yourself asked the father if the book might have been misplaced? That would be a possibility that I wouldn't rule out. It could have just slipped behind something. Maybe the father is reading it. Is there any chance that the father sees you as intruding on their relationship? Is there a mother in the picture or are you a sort of mother substitute?

I would ask the father if the 16 year old doesn't want to ask as that way, if he has had issue, you might learn what it is and avoid a conflict in the future. She is HIS daughter.
No there is no chance that it was misplaced. He does not allow his daughters to get the mail or open any mail even when addressed to them.

The mother has true mental issues and she has been out of the picture for about 10 years.

There were 4 girls at home at the time. Three are now old enough to be on their own. Two are still living at home. One ran away. They have all, except for the youngest, at one time or another been thrown out or locked out of the house. The father's siblings and the father's mother thinks he is a saint...well except for one BIL and myself and my DH who sees through him. All of his girls have social problems and more....sadly all the adults in the family still blame the mother who as I said has been out of the picture and has had no contact for over 10 years.

Of course she is his daughter and since I disagree with most of what he does I don't talk to him or his girls about it. Not my place but when one of them asks for help I will do what I can. My niece once told me that it was recommended she get counseling(from her guidance counselor). I asked her if she would like that. She told me she can't because her father told her it would embarrass him..

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetana3 View Post
I suspect the father could not get past the title. Book would probably be fine but maybe he has an issue with the word used and a 16 year old girl? I would only talk directly to him if you really want to know why. Maybe he still hopes his little girl is still a little girl?
She says much worse and gets into trouble at school for much worse so I don't think that is it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
My first thought too.

However, why did he open a package addressed to her from her aunt when it clearly was intended to be for her birthday? I would find that more disturbing. Does he not like/trust the OP?
She is not allowed to get the mail. He is very controlling/manipulative and I have heard that consistently over the years from all 4 of his girls.



I know I can't get involved because as I have said the adults in the family think he is wonderful and it is not my place. I guess I just wanted to vent a little as I only wanted to help...and it doesn't look like I can.
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Old 12-30-2017, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Caverns measureless to man...
6,697 posts, read 3,947,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
My first thought too.

However, why did he open a package addressed to her from her aunt when it clearly was intended to be for her birthday? I would find that more disturbing. Does he not like/trust the OP?
Yes - why is a father opening a 16-year old's mail? Is this a cultural thing?
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Old 12-30-2017, 08:16 AM
Status: "OMG...does the county building department know anything!!!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,034 posts, read 24,909,124 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. In-Between View Post
Yes - why is a father opening a 16-year old's mail? Is this a cultural thing?

No it's a controlling thing.
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Old 12-30-2017, 08:17 AM
 
4,799 posts, read 1,891,305 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ylisa7 View Post
No there is no chance that it was misplaced. He does not allow his daughters to get the mail or open any mail even when addressed to them.

The mother has true mental issues and she has been out of the picture for about 10 years.

There were 4 girls at home at the time. Three are now old enough to be on their own. Two are still living at home. One ran away. They have all, except for the youngest, at one time or another been thrown out or locked out of the house. The father's siblings and the father's mother thinks he is a saint...well except for one BIL and myself and my DH who sees through him. All of his girls have social problems and more....sadly all the adults in the family still blame the mother who as I said has been out of the picture and has had no contact for over 10 years.

Of course it is his daughter and since I disagree with most of what he does I don't talk to him or his girls about it. Not my place but when one of them asks for help I will do what I can. My niece once told me that it was recommended she get counseling(from her guidance counselor). I asked her if she would like that. She told me she can't because her father told her it would embarrass him..



She says much worse and gets into trouble at school for much worse so I don't think that is it.




She is not allowed to get the mail. He is very controlling/manipulative and I have heard that consistently over the years from all 4 of his girls.



I know I can't get involved because as I have said the adults in the family think he is wonderful and it is not my place. I guess I just wanted to vent a little as I only wanted to help...and it doesn't look like I can.
I think that's it, in a nutshell. This book might in fact be helpful to her - but it sounds like he has an attitude that it would just be further wallowing in negativity, which he probably feels like she's already doing. He doesn't want to acknowledge to anyone - even himself - that his kids are off the rails.

Dad is trying to hold it together in the absence of his crazy wife, and although things aren't going all that well I would guess he withheld the book with the best of intentions.

And honestly, although the book attempts to be empathetic the part I could read through online doesn't seem to offer any sort of help, rather than just everything in your whole life seems to suck, complete with long checklists to assist you in enumerating your woes.
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Old 12-30-2017, 08:21 AM
Status: "OMG...does the county building department know anything!!!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,034 posts, read 24,909,124 times
Reputation: 86796
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I think that's it, in a nutshell. This book might in fact be helpful to her - but it sounds like he has an attitude that it would just be further wallowing in negativity, which he probably feels like she's already doing. He doesn't want to acknowledge to anyone - even himself - that his kids are off the rails.

Dad is trying to hold it together in the absence of his crazy wife, and although things aren't going all that well I would guess he withheld the book with the best of intentions.

And honestly, although the book attempts to be empathetic the part I could read through online doesn't seem to offer any sort of help, rather than just everything in your whole life seems to suck, complete with long checklists to assist you in enumerating your woes.

Maybe so but I believe he also enabled his wife as she never got help until she was gone and away from him. It doesn't bode well that 5 females lived with him and they all have problems.

I'm not sure about the book as I was never able to discuss it with my niece. Most reviews were good and some were not as with most things. Maybe it would make her feel she is not alone with her feelings.

Last edited by ylisa7; 12-30-2017 at 08:30 AM..
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Old 12-30-2017, 08:22 AM
 
Location: Bexley, Ohio
576 posts, read 49,157 times
Reputation: 383
Have you tried asking him how she liked the book? From the reviews, it seems fairly innocuous. Books are great gifts for teens. You mentioned that she had “some issues”, but I wonder about his issues too. If possible, ask him about it, there may be a perfectly good reason behind it.
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