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Old 01-02-2018, 04:30 PM
Location: Bexley, Ohio
588 posts, read 53,291 times
Reputation: 391


Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
Thanks sullyinohio for your kind and understanding reply. Would you be able to tell me what kind of community social services we should look into, and where to,look? Your advice is very much appreciated.
To be honest, I haven’t used them, but i do know they exist (however, I am the father of 3 adult kids). It depends on what’s available in your local area. Google “social services” etc. Most larger communities have some sort of assistance available. There may well be a women’s clinic for medical assistance.
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Old 01-02-2018, 05:23 PM
12,872 posts, read 19,602,588 times
Reputation: 33728
There's no shame in loving too much, or in being unable to financially be able to carry an adult child. Services vary by location, but a good place to start would be 2-1-1.org. That's a program run through United Way nationally, to connect the needy with available services in the area they reside in.
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Old 01-02-2018, 06:42 PM
Location: Wisconsin
16,317 posts, read 15,619,740 times
Reputation: 38263
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
Can you look into shelters in your area that will help a woman leave an abusive relationship? She probably needs more help than you can provide, and once the $5,000 is gone she will ask for more. A shelter will have a social worker who will be able to connect her with the services she needs and maybe even help her with finding a job so she can actually be independent.

If I were in your situation, I'd explain that I wished I could help financially, but that would leave me without basic necessities like food and electricity. I'd offer to help any other way I was able.
That is great advice.

Be honest with her. Tell your daughter that you are not able to give her, or "loan" her, any money now. And, tell her that due to your financial situation you anticipate that you will never be able to give her, or "loan" her any money in the future.

Be firm. Do not give her any money at all.

If she asks again you may have to just repeat, "I can NOT give you any money."
And, if she asks again, just tell her, "I can NOT give you any money."
And, if she asks again, just tell her, "I can NOT give you any money."

"I can NOT give you any money."

"I can NOT give you any money."

"I can NOT give you any money."

I bet that she will start to understand pretty quickly.

Last edited by germaine2626; 01-02-2018 at 07:33 PM..
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Old 01-02-2018, 07:23 PM
307 posts, read 178,217 times
Reputation: 525
Thanks so much for your replies. I feel much better now.
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Old 01-02-2018, 08:12 PM
604 posts, read 308,275 times
Reputation: 819
I agree, you can't give her money.

I have a cousin in a similar situation, she was able to find free job training and lets one of the grandmas or other cousins babysit. Probably not ideal, but she's stayed afloat with two useless men as her, "baby daddies."

Good luck to your daughter. It's hard, hopefully she'll be okay and the kiddos too.. As long as she doesn't have substance abuse issues and can get away from the creepy abuser, she should be okay. It's good that the one kid is already getting services.
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Old 01-02-2018, 08:12 PM
10,090 posts, read 6,383,514 times
Reputation: 23701
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
Thanks so much for your replies. I feel much better now.
I am so glad. But your boundaries might not be the same that we pick for you. Maybe you will agree to take in your grandson, or baby sit. Or even offer $200 a week. Heck...boundaries are personal. You don't have to full on cut her off to set them. Its fully up to you.

Good luck!
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Old 01-02-2018, 09:43 PM
2,239 posts, read 956,284 times
Reputation: 8896
I was going to suggest shelters too but you can always call a local crisis hotline too and ask for referrals to any services. I agree with the others about protecting your finances and not giving your daughter money. You need to empower her NOT enable her.
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Old 01-03-2018, 08:42 AM
3,273 posts, read 3,197,345 times
Reputation: 8137
No, don't ever give her any money. You cannot afford to do so. You're jeopardizing your own financial stability if you do so. No, don't let her move in with you. The stress of having her and the autistic child and possibly a newborn live with you, and possibly the baby daddy and ensuing drama coming around, too, will drive you into an early grave.

Is it too late for her to terminate the pregnancy? Is adoption a possibility? She's clearly in no position to support even the child she already has, let alone another one.

She needs to go to an abused woman's shelter. They will help her to get on her feet. If she wants to continue the pregnancy, perhaps she can get help from an anti-abortion organization, which might help support her while she continues the pregnancy. Of course, once the child is born, that support would end, so she'd need to apply for all available social welfare benefits, too, since unless she has free childcare, she's not going to be going to work anytime soon, if she ever did work.

After the pregnancy is over, you should urge her to get Implanon, so that she doesn't get pregnant again.

I know this all sounds very harsh, but it's the truth. Even if you could afford to support her, you should not. The financial drain would be infinite, and never-ending.
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Old 01-03-2018, 09:36 AM
15,782 posts, read 18,206,848 times
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Tell her that you do not have money to give her, but that you will help her find resources, agencies that will help her get safe, etc.

You could start by calling 211 in your area, or your daughters, if you live in different areas. There are many resources that will help a single mother. Ask the 24/7 volunteer that answers the phone for the agencies and their contact information. Perhaps even have your daughter there and have her dial and you take down the information.

Almost any way that you can help her, save giving her cash would be my goal if it were me. For me, having my child stay with me, even if it meant eating ramen would be ok with me. And, getting her hooked up with the resources that our taxes have already paid for to be utilized for people in such an emergency situation would be my goal.


Last edited by JanND; 01-03-2018 at 09:48 AM..
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Old 01-03-2018, 11:13 AM
3,717 posts, read 2,854,723 times
Reputation: 11812
You cant give her money when you are at risk yourself. It just doesnt make sense. Help her to make better choices for herself, help her to find services she can use. But dont put yourself in a position that can hurt you, because you have no one who can help you. People have to be responsible for their own decisions. Its a lesson she will have to learn.
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