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Old 01-02-2018, 02:37 PM
 
253 posts, read 140,848 times
Reputation: 468

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I wasn't sure where to post my concern. This seemed the only appropriate place.

It concerns my adult daughter. She is 27. I love her dearly but she has been a difficult child/person to raise/advise.

That being said, she is pregnant but not from the boyfriend she has s living with. She has one child with the boyfriend, whom is adorable and I love him dearly as well. Her boyfriend drinks and is and has beee physically and mentally abusive to my daughter.

She needs to leave him but she does not work. Her son is on the autistic spectrum and can be difficult at times. He is currently receiving services.

Now I agree with my daughter that she needs to leave and get on her own, BUT I'm not pleased with her getting pregnant by another guy.

Now she is asking to "borrow" $5000.00 so she can get out. Her track record for taking money from me and paying back is not good at all. Plus my husband passed away in May of last year (2017). He was terrible with money and although a good man, made poor decisions financially. I am now hanging by a thread with money. $5000.00 is ALOT for me to just give her. She doesn't seem to get it. Obviously she is just like my late husband. I am 64 years old and retired. I only get SS. Nothing else. Try living on just SS and see how hard that is. I don't have a lot of savings and with my daughter, it's going to be gone sooner than later.

For Gods sake, she's 27 years old. Have the father of her child help her. But I'm sure he doesn't have any money either, as she tends to go towards the same type of men. Why do her stupid decisions become my problems.

I guess I'm just asking for support and confirmation that my not willing to help her is ok. But does she lay the guilt on me! I have to be strong, because deep in my heart I know I'm right. If she was diagnosed with a fatal disease and was asking for my help, that would be different. But this is her stupid choice. She could have at least prevented getting pregnant. But I told her to leave her boyfriend first before getting involved with another one. But, as usually she doesn't heed my advice.

So not only did she get involved, but she's pregnant. She can barely manage with the boy she has. Now another!! When I tell her that she says I'm so negative, among other things.

I can admit she's a spoiled brat. I guess loving to much has its consequences.
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Old 01-02-2018, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
7,970 posts, read 4,947,780 times
Reputation: 9511
Don't take this as an insult, but you've managed without us so long, why ask now? You need expert help. On C-D you will get a lot of advice, much of it from people who have done no better than you. Here is where to go for real help:
https://www.drphil.com/be-on-the-show/
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Old 01-02-2018, 02:51 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,643 posts, read 18,019,249 times
Reputation: 24226
Can you look into shelters in your area that will help a woman leave an abusive relationship? She probably needs more help than you can provide, and once the $5,000 is gone she will ask for more. A shelter will have a social worker who will be able to connect her with the services she needs and maybe even help her with finding a job so she can actually be independent.

If I were in your situation, I'd explain that I wished I could help financially, but that would leave me without basic necessities like food and electricity. I'd offer to help any other way I was able.
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Old 01-02-2018, 02:59 PM
 
253 posts, read 140,848 times
Reputation: 468
Crashj007. I'm not a big fan of dr. Phil. I've managed before because my husband was alive, and we dealt with her together. I've been lurking around CD for a while and just thought I could get some input incognito.

Hedgehogmom. I don't know much about shelters. My grandson wouldn't be able to handle being in a shelter. Like I said, he's on the autistic spectrum and doesn't handle change too well. I did think of that, though.
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Old 01-02-2018, 03:08 PM
 
10,027 posts, read 6,136,063 times
Reputation: 23444
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crashj007 View Post
Don't take this as an insult, but you've managed without us so long, why ask now? You need expert help. On C-D you will get a lot of advice, much of it from people who have done no better than you. Here is where to go for real help:
https://www.drphil.com/be-on-the-show/
OMG Dr. Phil "real help". That is so funny! Its entertainment, not real help.

OP - I think setting clear boundaries with your daughter is best for your entire family, so doing so would not only be "ok" but would be the right thing to do.

If you are looking for help setting boundaries with her, talking to a therapist (not on tv) could be helpful. Boundaries are often their bread and butter and get you a plan of action. Setting boundaries is so much easier when you know what you are doing

Good luck! I have a couple kids in their 20s (and younger too) and by adulthood, I try to make my one comment about a decision and then zip it and focus on the future. Complaining to her or being negative about the baby wont make it go away and will only cause more drama.
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Old 01-02-2018, 03:10 PM
 
253 posts, read 140,848 times
Reputation: 468
Thanks higflyingbird
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Old 01-02-2018, 03:34 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
5,912 posts, read 3,136,363 times
Reputation: 13794
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marble cake View Post
Why do her stupid decisions become my problems.
Her stupid decisions become your problems only when you permit it. At 27, she's an adult and responsible for herself. Tell your daughter the truth: you can't afford to give her $5,000.

Hedgehog Mom's suggestion that she contact a battered women's shelter for advice on how to get out of her situation is a good one.
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Old 01-02-2018, 04:04 PM
 
253 posts, read 140,848 times
Reputation: 468
Aredhel, I have told her.
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Old 01-02-2018, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Bexley, Ohio
576 posts, read 49,096 times
Reputation: 383
You obviously love your daughter very much. Cutting off all support completely would probably not make things much better for her (or you). You may still be able to provide moral support and guidance. If Hedgehog-Mom’s Suggestions about shelter, don’t fit your situation, there may still be community social services she and your grandson can take advantage of. Tell her how hard it is to not be able to loan her the money, but offer to help her seek out services that will help her through these tough times. Show her that you are on her side, and hang on to each other.
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Old 01-02-2018, 04:12 PM
 
253 posts, read 140,848 times
Reputation: 468
Thanks sullyinohio for your kind and understanding reply. Would you be able to tell me what kind of community social services we should look into, and where to,look? Your advice is very much appreciated.
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