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Old 01-05-2018, 04:10 PM
Location: Northern California
436 posts, read 170,888 times
Reputation: 551


If he doesn't want to come over for dinner, pick her up and then pick up a meal. Maybe from KFC

Then drop by his house for a surprise dinner. Be very gracious, you are barging in on him.

He'll let you. He'll be too afraid if he doesn't of the consequences

But he also may not ever see this girl again afterwards. Or he may really like her alot and continue seeing her

And you may feel the same about him
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Old 01-05-2018, 04:39 PM
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,785 posts, read 8,775,084 times
Reputation: 7334
I would tell the parents immediately. Your niece is asking for help, even if she's not being direct.

As for betraying a confidence, this would not even be a concern to me. You can tell the parents not to tell her that you told them specific details because you want to keep the lines of communication open, but they should know.

The bigger problem is that she needs guidance, boundaries, and supervision. Can you possibly help out in that regard?
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Old 01-05-2018, 05:29 PM
Location: East Cobb, GA
786 posts, read 324,067 times
Reputation: 1160
I doubt a 20 year old man is dating a 16 year old teen for the stimulating conversation. I have a thing he is only "dating" her for one reason—sex. And if they’re only hanging out at each others' houses then I have think I know what they’re doing.

And just out of curiosity: is he actually sustaining himself by working on cars? Is it a legitimate business, or is it just he’s good with cars and people are paying him cash?

On the other hand, maybe they do "love" each other, and they just don’t want her parents to know because of how it looks.
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Old 01-05-2018, 05:38 PM
20,437 posts, read 26,568,031 times
Reputation: 13148
They aren't dating. He's using her. Old story, same unhappy ending down the road. Have a talk with her about birth control and disease protection ASAP. ETA not condoning the relationship, just being realistic.
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:06 PM
Location: on the Plateau
189 posts, read 303,697 times
Reputation: 413
+1 on the comment about jail bait & Romeo/Juliet laws. Too many things just seem off about the situation: she hasn't told her parents, etc. (Ask me how that part sets off alarm bells. BTDT

I would let the parents know.
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:12 PM
Location: Bloomington IN
5,876 posts, read 7,102,555 times
Reputation: 14122
My state has a Romeo and Juliet law. Here is is defined as a 4 year age difference. I'm not saying the law is right or wrong, but I do live in a very conservative state.

Personal experience--dated a 20 year old when I was 16. He never talked me into doing anything I would have done otherwise. He was kind immature for his age, and I was his intellectual equal in many ways.
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Old 01-05-2018, 06:32 PM
20,437 posts, read 26,568,031 times
Reputation: 13148
About the Romeo and Juliet laws -- good point, but I believe the age of consent in Alaska is 16, so statutory rape laws don't apply. This explains it in layman's language better than I can.

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Old 01-05-2018, 07:04 PM
2,485 posts, read 1,300,541 times
Reputation: 2835
I would take your niece out to lunch and talk to her more. She’s invited you in to her life and obviously needs a confidant and doesn’t want to tell her parents yet. You can assess the situation then based on body language and also talk about protection etc. then ask if you can meet him. If any red flags go up during this then I do think you tell your brother but it may just be a normal relationship that they aren’t ready to go public with due to the age and how it would look.

FWIW four years isn’t a big difference overall but at that age it sure feels like it.
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Old 01-05-2018, 07:53 PM
Location: State of Transition
72,842 posts, read 64,283,965 times
Reputation: 68696
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
They don't go on dates, at least it doesn't seem that way, they stay home. They only hang out on the weekends and if she even dare suggests hanging out on a weekday he gets mad at her for asking. She told me. I asked her if she thought he was cheating on her and she said no. I just think the whole thing is incredibly strange. I want to protect my niece from anything, I just wasn't sure how normal it is for people of that age to be dating since I'm an old lady compared to them.
Red flag. The fact that they don't go out, combined with the fact that he doesn't want to be seen picking her up, is another red flag. There's definitely something wrong with this picture. Try to convey to her that in a healthy, happy relationship, people are eager to see each other; they don't get angry just because one of them suggests getting together more often, or on a day that's not their regular schedule. They also do not avoid being seen in public together. Normally, they'll do fun things outside together, attend events together, even if only free ones (art fairs, free concerts), go to parks together, etc. That's what she should be looking for.
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Old 01-05-2018, 08:10 PM
Location: Cody, WY
9,194 posts, read 10,149,152 times
Reputation: 18304
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
This used to be expected. It's only in the last 70 years or so of civilization where this kind of age spread is considered odd.

Why was she crying?
One set of my great-grandparents left Ireland before the Civil War. They didn't have much money, but they had plenty of ambition. They started a successful business and were able to send their youngest daughter, my grandmother (born 1872) to college. At the time of their marriage, he was 27; she was 14. No one ever thought ill of them for it.

Last edited by Happy in Wyoming; 01-05-2018 at 08:43 PM..
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