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Old 01-05-2018, 08:46 PM
Location: Canada
5,083 posts, read 3,613,473 times
Reputation: 13402


Your niece told you this in confidence. To run to her parents and tell them is a breach of her trust.

I think you should insist to her that she MUST tell her parents because it's tearing you apart and you are even having a hard time sleeping in keeping such a difficult secret.

Really lay it on how upset YOU are that you have this knowledge and SHE needs/has to/MUST tell them herself.

Let her parents tell her that they are shocked, disapprove, or are okay with it,( supervised) because if you do, you're the "bad guy".

Keeping an open relationship with her might really help her through some difficult times. Teenagers and their hormones and drama!!! ugh!
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Old 01-05-2018, 09:04 PM
15,162 posts, read 16,001,496 times
Reputation: 25011
There's nothing inherently wrong with a 20-year-old dating a 16-year-old, but your niece's situation raises some red flags. Tell her that it sounds to you like they're not equals in the relationship and that she deserves to be treated like an equal. Suggest it may be because of the age difference and she might like dating someone in high school more. Tell her that healthy relationships make people happy. In other words, give her some things to hold onto if she wants to break up with the guy.
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Old 01-05-2018, 09:44 PM
20,397 posts, read 26,499,469 times
Reputation: 13068
Originally Posted by arwenmark View Post
I suggest you tell the parents that there may be a problem with their daughter. Tell them she told you something in confidence. But you can't tell them what the problem is but they need to be more attuned.
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
I love this! Thank you. I appreciate it. I know she's had some problems so I'd like her to be able to trust me in the future.
I'm not sure that's a good course of action. Telling them their kid has a problem but refusing to tell them what it is may just cause anger and frustration -- and I can't say I'd blame them for that response. I also don't agree with those saying that you should run and tell them -- unless you think she's in some sort of danger from this guy.
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Old 01-05-2018, 10:01 PM
Location: Saint John, IN
10,638 posts, read 3,290,719 times
Reputation: 12745
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Red flag. The fact that they don't go out, combined with the fact that he doesn't want to be seen picking her up, is another red flag. There's definitely something wrong with this picture. Try to convey to her that in a healthy, happy relationship, people are eager to see each other; they don't get angry just because one of them suggests getting together more often, or on a day that's not their regular schedule. They also do not avoid being seen in public together. Normally, they'll do fun things outside together, attend events together, even if only free ones (art fairs, free concerts), go to parks together, etc. That's what she should be looking for.

I agree! All they do is sit in? Doing what exactly??? I can tell you what if you're that oblivious! I suggest telling the parents before she gets pregnant and your brother finds out you knew about this relationship and didn't tell him!! There is no reason why a 20 yr old would want a 16 yr old except for one thing.
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Old 01-05-2018, 10:03 PM
Location: Phoenix-Valley of the Sun
2,460 posts, read 1,190,433 times
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Tell the parents ASAP. I know you would breach her trust in you but it's better to breach that trust than to contract an STD that's life-long or even pregnant. She's way in over her head.
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Old 01-05-2018, 10:13 PM
20,397 posts, read 26,499,469 times
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What I'm curious about is how telling the parents is going to prevent an unwanted pregnancy or STD. These are very real concerns, but two parents who work all the time and who don't sound very involved in their kid's life in the first place probably aren't going to drop everything to supervise her 24/7. This guy sounds like bad news and a loser in the first place, and nothing makes a loser look more attractive to a young girl than a pissed off parent, particularly if that's the only attention she's gotten from them in awhile.

And despite what the OP's been told in this thread, if this is happening in Alaska, this relationship is perfectly legal (the only reason it wouldn't be would be if he were a teacher or otherwise in some sort of position of authority).
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Old 01-05-2018, 11:28 PM
Location: State of Transition
72,396 posts, read 63,876,227 times
Reputation: 68029
If she realizes (with the OP's help) that this relationship or dateship is not legit, and that the guy doesn't really care about her, feeling the need to hide their relationship instead, then the question of whether or not to tell the parents would be moot, if she breaks up with him. Alternatively, the OP could broach the idea of the girl telling her parents about it herself.

However, this "relationship", such as it is (more like a FWB?), is not going anywhere, has no real future, and isn't satisfying the girl's needs for caring, for fun times, or even for self-respect, given how he treats her. She may be needy enough, that she gets some ego-strokes merely from his miserly attention, but that's a pretty sad state of affairs. She can do better than this. Hopefully, the OP will be able to gently help her see that.
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Old 01-06-2018, 06:06 AM
823 posts, read 342,811 times
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If this is in a location where the age of consent is higher than 16, I would feel obligated to tell the parents. In some cases, you might even be legally mandated to report it, depending on the specifics of the situation.

If this is in a location where it is legal for a 20 year old to "date" (have sex with) a 16-year-old, I still might tell the parents, again depending on the specifics of the situation. Yes, she disclosed this "in confidence," but there are certain things parents of a minor have the right to know.
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Old 01-06-2018, 06:29 AM
88 posts, read 41,699 times
Reputation: 306
There is red flags with this guy. Back when I was 16 I started dating this guy who was 21. Both my parents approved of him. He would never "hide" me at all! If he wasn't at work he would pick me up from school to give me a ride. He would also take me to lunch on my lunch hour meaning he would pick and drop me off at school! Took me to prom. His mother would even take us both out to eat. If this guy wasn't up to "no good" then he wouldn't mind being seen with her in public, with family, and with friends!
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Old 01-06-2018, 06:39 AM
6,598 posts, read 2,572,167 times
Reputation: 18034
It doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship between them at all - that from his perspective, they're not a couple.

And yes, if they live in Alaska, the age of consent is 16 so it's not a crime.

The problem with younger girls dating older guys is it often limits their potential - they focus less on school and are probably less likely to go to college if he's not.
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