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Old 01-06-2018, 07:17 AM
 
15,596 posts, read 17,768,588 times
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Bottom line, you owe it to her parents to tell them. The kid is 16, step up as the adult....Keeping this secret is not doing her any favors and may cost you the relationship with her parents when they find out that you knew and didn't tell them.

Keeping a secret like this is not honorable....You are enabling her to be a victim of an adult.
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Old 01-06-2018, 07:40 AM
 
Location: Living on the Coast in Oxnard CA
15,306 posts, read 24,999,269 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
I guess she's upset because her boyfriend won't drive her home from school and none of her friends will either so she had to walk home in the cold. Typical teenager being melodramatic.
I just worry about a power imbalance since a girl that age is so easily influenced, and naive.
Why won't the boyfriend drive her home? Could it be that he knows it is wrong to date someone that is underage? Could it be he is afraid of what will happen to him?

Yes, this guy knows what he is doing is wrong.

The age spread though is not all that big. I am 6 years older then my wife. Here is the thing though, I never dated here when she was 16 and I was 22. I did not even know here then, although we did live not too far away from each other and both of us went to the same high school. When I was a Senior at that high school she was in the 6th grade. It just would not have worked out. When my wife was in high school I was on to bigger and better things in my life. I sure was not thinking about high school drama queens.

Tell the parents
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Old 01-06-2018, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,652 posts, read 14,961,338 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SOON2BNSURPRISE View Post
Why won't the boyfriend drive her home? Could it be that he knows it is wrong to date someone that is underage? Could it be he is afraid of what will happen to him?

Yes, this guy knows what he is doing is wrong.

The age spread though is not all that big. I am 6 years older then my wife. Here is the thing though, I never dated here when she was 16 and I was 22. I did not even know here then, although we did live not too far away from each other and both of us went to the same high school. When I was a Senior at that high school she was in the 6th grade. It just would not have worked out. When my wife was in high school I was on to bigger and better things in my life. I sure was not thinking about high school drama queens.

Tell the parents
Good points.
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Old 01-06-2018, 08:45 AM
Status: "Summer's here!" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
83,607 posts, read 96,698,556 times
Reputation: 30262
Quote:
Originally Posted by bande1102 View Post
I would tell the parents immediately. Your niece is asking for help, even if she's not being direct.

As for betraying a confidence, this would not even be a concern to me. You can tell the parents not to tell her that you told them specific details because you want to keep the lines of communication open, but they should know.

The bigger problem is that she needs guidance, boundaries, and supervision. Can you possibly help out in that regard?
If the OP tells the parents, but asks them to keep her (OP) identity secret, the niece is going to know who told them.

I agree with everything said about red flags in this relationship, regardless of ages.
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Old 01-06-2018, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Central Texas
19,464 posts, read 35,660,030 times
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The age difference doesn't concern me - my mother was 16 when she met my father, who was 21, they married once he graduated college, and were married for 30 years until he died. My brother-in-law was 5 years older than my sister, and that marriage lasted 56 years until he died. My maternal grandmother was 6 years younger than my maternal grandfather - they had 9 children and were married until they both died the same year. (My husband is only one year older than I am - I broke the family tradition.) Until fairly recently this was perfectly normal. We've become more puritanical than our parents and grandparents in this country.

There are other red flags, though, that could be something or could be simply because they both realize that this could be looked at as odd. You need more information. The best advice I saw was to take her out to lunch or dinner, deepen the relationship with her, give her someone to talk to. Running to her parents if she told you in confidence is pretty much the worst thing you could do - then she won't have ANYONE but him to trust. If you feel you must go to him, talk to her and get her agreement first.
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Old 01-06-2018, 09:23 AM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
10,088 posts, read 2,901,044 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metlakatla View Post
What I'm curious about is how telling the parents is going to prevent an unwanted pregnancy or STD. These are very real concerns, but two parents who work all the time and who don't sound very involved in their kid's life in the first place probably aren't going to drop everything to supervise her 24/7. This guy sounds like bad news and a loser in the first place, and nothing makes a loser look more attractive to a young girl than a pissed off parent, particularly if that's the only attention she's gotten from them in awhile.

And despite what the OP's been told in this thread, if this is happening in Alaska, this relationship is perfectly legal (the only reason it wouldn't be would be if he were a teacher or otherwise in some sort of position of authority).


HOW? If the parents know then at least they can make sure their daughter is taking precautions to avoid pregnancy and STD's. I doubt the OP has had this conversation with her.
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Old 01-06-2018, 10:09 AM
 
3,752 posts, read 1,758,613 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy in Wyoming View Post
One set of my great-grandparents left Ireland before the Civil War. They didn't have much money, but they had plenty of ambition. They started a successful business and were able to send their youngest daughter, my grandmother (born 1872) to college. At the time of their marriage, he was 27; she was 14. No one ever thought ill of them for it.
but thats because women (girls) were useless except for sex (carrying babies) -- this situation mite be similar.

its not like your grandmother was allowed to work in the coal mines like when your grandfather was 14. thats why her father gave her away to your grandfather.
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Old 01-06-2018, 11:20 AM
 
19,804 posts, read 25,889,090 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
HOW? If the parents know then at least they can make sure their daughter is taking precautions to avoid pregnancy and STD's. I doubt the OP has had this conversation with her.
If you'll notice, I suggested that the aunt "have this conversation with her." These things often are more well-received coming from an aunt or other relative, and there is no guarantee that the parents would have the conversation anyway.
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Old 01-06-2018, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Renton, WA
530 posts, read 1,066,238 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Retired in Illinois View Post
As a family member it is your obligation to protect your 16 niece from possible harm. Dating a 20 yr old definitely qualifies as a threat to your niece.

TELL HER PARENTS WHAT SHE IS DOING AND LET THEM DEAL WITH IT!!
However, in 10 years your 16-year-old niece will be 26, and the guy she is dating will be 30. Most would not view a 26-year-old dating a 30-year-old to be abnormal. Thus, perhaps a good idea is to encourage her to wait a few years so that the percentage age difference between them becomes less.
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Old 01-06-2018, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,785 posts, read 8,531,805 times
Reputation: 7328
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
If the OP tells the parents, but asks them to keep her (OP) identity secret, the niece is going to know who told them.
Obviously. But it may do enough to assuage OP's guilt so that she does the right thing and says something.
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