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Old 01-05-2018, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Alaska
417 posts, read 201,298 times
Reputation: 806

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My niece who is only a sophomore in high school and is only 16 is dating a guy who is 20. She told me this in confidence after she called me crying. They've been dating for a few months she told me. I think it's wrong. Her parents, my brother, and sister-in-law don't know. I was wondering if you all as parents would want to know if your child was dating someone that old? And if it's normal for someone her age to be dating someone that old? She only just turned 16.
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Old 01-05-2018, 01:54 PM
 
6,627 posts, read 2,578,178 times
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This used to be expected. It's only in the last 70 years or so of civilization where this kind of age spread is considered odd.

Why was she crying?
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:13 PM
 
970 posts, read 347,568 times
Reputation: 2214
Quote:
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
My niece who is only a sophomore in high school and is only 16 is dating a guy who is 20. She told me this in confidence after she called me crying. They've been dating for a few months she told me. I think it's wrong. Her parents, my brother, and sister-in-law don't know. I was wondering if you all as parents would want to know if your child was dating someone that old? And if it's normal for someone her age to be dating someone that old? She only just turned 16.
As a family member it is your obligation to protect your 16 niece from possible harm. Dating a 20 yr old definitely qualifies as a threat to your niece.

TELL HER PARENTS WHAT SHE IS DOING AND LET THEM DEAL WITH IT!!
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:22 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,440 posts, read 63,907,429 times
Reputation: 68104
Yes, OP; why was she crying?

Whether it's wrong depends entirely on the people involved. Has she had sex before? I gather from your concern that the answer is "no". It really depends on the boy, then. I've run into young men who were very innocent, and still hadn't been hit with their sex drive, at 20. The full force of their testosterone hadn't happened, yet. Obviously, these are exceptional cases, but they exist. And maybe he has a sex drive, but is willing to wait until she's 17, IF the couple even makes it that far, or even past the next month or two. Since she's turned to you to share this information, keep the lines of communication open. At some point, find an opportunity to convey the message that she doesn't need to do anything she's not comfortable with, and needn't overlook her feelings just to make someone else happy.

I wonder how she's been able to date a guy for months, without her parents knowing. Has she been lying about where she's going?
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Alaska
417 posts, read 201,298 times
Reputation: 806
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
This used to be expected. It's only in the last 70 years or so of civilization where this kind of age spread is considered odd.

Why was she crying?
I guess she's upset because her boyfriend won't drive her home from school and none of her friends will either so she had to walk home in the cold. Typical teenager being melodramatic.
I just worry about a power imbalance since a girl that age is so easily influenced, and naive.
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:28 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,440 posts, read 63,907,429 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
I guess she's upset because her boyfriend won't drive her home from school and none of her friends will either so she had to walk home in the cold. Typical teenager being melodramatic.
I just worry about a power imbalance since a girl that age is so easily influenced, and naive.
OP, if her parents don't know she's dating a guy, and she's hiding this from them, why would she want him to drive her home in his car? Wouldn't the cat be out of the bag, then? And what's he doing hanging around the school, anyway? Is he still in HS? Is he not in college, or working? He has free time to meet her at school, when she gets out, but won't drive her home?

Odd story.
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Alaska
417 posts, read 201,298 times
Reputation: 806
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, if her parents don't know she's dating a guy, and she's hiding this from them, why would she want him to drive her home in his car? Wouldn't the cat be out of the bag, then? And what's he doing hanging around the school, anyway? Is he still in HS? Is he not in college, or working? He has free time to meet her at school, when she gets out, but won't drive her home?

Odd story.
My brother and sister in law work during the day so they don't get home till later in the evening, and she's an only child so she gets free range of the house. I asked her the same question and she said he works from home fixing cars and that he's picked her up before, but he didn't want anyone to see him picking her up. It all seems strange to me.
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Alaska
417 posts, read 201,298 times
Reputation: 806
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Yes, OP; why was she crying?

Whether it's wrong depends entirely on the people involved. Has she had sex before? I gather from your concern that the answer is "no". It really depends on the boy, then. I've run into young men who were very innocent, and still hadn't been hit with their sex drive, at 20. The full force of their testosterone hadn't happened, yet. Obviously, these are exceptional cases, but they exist. And maybe he has a sex drive, but is willing to wait until she's 17, IF the couple even makes it that far, or even past the next month or two. Since she's turned to you to share this information, keep the lines of communication open. At some point, find an opportunity to convey the message that she doesn't need to do anything she's not comfortable with, and needn't overlook her feelings just to make someone else happy.

I wonder how she's been able to date a guy for months, without her parents knowing. Has she been lying about where she's going?
I'm sure she has had sex before, she told me she hasn't but I'm not so sure about that. I could see him being innocent but I still find it strange. I don't understand why an adult would want to hang around a teenager. I'm sure she's been sneaking around, I love my brother and sister in law but they work so many hours and don't get home till late so I'm sure they think she's just at a friend's house. He lives on his own, which means she's going over there alone which freaks me out.
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Old 01-05-2018, 02:57 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,440 posts, read 63,907,429 times
Reputation: 68104
Quote:
Originally Posted by ffaemily View Post
I'm sure she has had sex before, she told me she hasn't but I'm not so sure about that. I could see him being innocent but I still find it strange. I don't understand why an adult would want to hang around a teenager. I'm sure she's been sneaking around, I love my brother and sister in law but they work so many hours and don't get home till late so I'm sure they think she's just at a friend's house. He lives on his own, which means she's going over there alone which freaks me out.
Thank you for this additional info. He works from home fixing cars? So he has a small business as a car mechanic? My brothers used to do that in their teens.

What's strange is that he doesn't want to be seen picking her up. What do they do on dates; does he try to hide her then? It seems that HE feels that the relationship (or his intentions) isn't on the up-and-up.

I had guy friends who were 21, when I was 16. My parents knew it was all platonic, they'd met the guys, so there was no issue. Adults can bond with teens over shared intellectual interests and a good personality fit, if the teen is mature for their age, and isn't into teeny-bopper stuff, whatever the teen scene du jouris.

Still, it seems that something may be amiss here, if he doesn't want to be seen with her, or whatever his issue is.
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Old 01-05-2018, 03:19 PM
 
Location: Northern panhandle WV
2,232 posts, read 1,733,935 times
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I suggest you tell the parents that there may be a problem with their daughter. Tell them she told you something in confidence. But you can't tell them what the problem is but they need to be more attuned.
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