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Old 01-09-2018, 04:05 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,082 posts, read 17,607,104 times
Reputation: 22386

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
phonelady, I'm truly trying to understand your viewpoint. In my experience, when adult offspring move back home and parents give them rules like they are children and charge them rent, it's with the express purpose of making life so uncomfortable that they find a way to make it on their own.

Which apparently is what he's planning to do.

And all your children seem to see his viewpoint too. Why would you want to force him to still live there with you like he's a child?

I'm not sure allowing him to live with you for $200 a month and forcing childlike rules (no friends over at the house - really?) is "busting your hump".

I do think that making those childlike rules is a good thing, though, in the longrun because it forces them to leave.

What am I missing that would explain your anger?

(I have 3 adult sons, to answer your question).

So you must not have anything of value in your house then you would not mind someone walking off with ? you see I don't allow strangers in my house because once we did and things were missing never to be found again . Thus I don't like strangers in my house because of this incident and btw my neighbor

was telling me she allowed her son to have some friends over that they barely knew and guess what they got robbed the next week by those same so called friends . so you tell me is that child like ? guess not for you but I don't like having to replace things I already had .
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Old 01-09-2018, 05:25 PM
 
Location: East of the Mississippi and South of Bluegrass
4,089 posts, read 3,379,996 times
Reputation: 8635
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
My son recently lived with us for a while and he gave us a one day notice that he was moving out and he moved in with people he has only known for a month or two .We think he did not like our rules .Our rules were no one in the house that we did not know 2. no loud talking while we were trying to sleep we all kept different hours .3. he pay 200 a month to help out with things 4. he had to keep his room and things neat and clean . Not rules that could not be followed really closely . I don't think we were unreasonable . Boo hoo the world is full of rules . Now he does not understand why we are angry with him . Well we busted our humps to help him and get him things he needed and this is the thanks we get a one day notice he is moving out . we feel betrayed and angry and we no longer want to help any of them now because of how we were done .I'm not angry with my other children but they seem to be with me . But I can live with that .I'm just wondering why do these supposed adults act like entitled spoiled brats ? is this how our future generations are turning out ? I have seen other people complaining about their adult kids acting the same way and wondering why ? oh and now he has said he is moving in with his sister . Well I for one am tired of being the bad guy , anyone else here have the same problem with their adult kids?
No, I can't say that I have. My kids all moved out after University and never 'darkened' my doorstep looking to come back home to live. They visit often, have holidays with me when they can, and as they say, "it's all good".

I feel bad for your being upset and disappointed at his abrupt leaving but maybe there is a silver lining to this. Now you can relax a little, if you allow yourself to get over being angry with his departure, for whatever reasons.

You'll have your house back now that he is going to be living with his sister and I hope there will not be any hurt feelings while he is there nor when he decides to move from her home.

Best wishes for all of you!
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Old 01-09-2018, 05:27 PM
 
12,904 posts, read 19,758,625 times
Reputation: 33880
Our home has always been open to the friends of our sons. It would be different if we hadn't welcomed the chance to meet them. If you have to worry about your son's friends stealing from you, that speaks more about your son's judgement than the generation in general.

How old is this son? Is he educated to the point of being able to secure future employment? If so, let him go, and be happy for him.
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Old 01-09-2018, 05:49 PM
 
2,417 posts, read 1,036,837 times
Reputation: 9444
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
well we were trying to teach him how to live in the real world like paying bills and getting a 2nd job which he needed and a car and yet he chooses to move . you cant move with a one day notice in the real world . I'm tired of these entitled kids who think whatever they do is right . I guess maybe I expected him to do right and abide by the rules and no he broke a few rules and was told like an adult about him breaking the rules . He also needed to learn how to pay rent and to get back on his feet . Which he was not even close too . So I guess I will let the chips fall where they may and maybe then he will learn like the rest of us . wow how many of you have adult kids ? just wondering if some of you posting here even have kids ? Please do tell me .


The best way for him to learn to live in the real world is by being in the real world and experiencing what happens when you don't pay the bills. So I reiterate that him moving out was a good thing. Yes I have two adult children and like you we helped one of them and she took it for granted but we didn't get angry , us helping her was OUR choice. It was better she learn not to be dependent on us and gain self respect through the struggle to be independent.
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Old 01-09-2018, 06:49 PM
 
Location: The analog world
15,496 posts, read 8,715,074 times
Reputation: 20786
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
but I'm sure he has a car and has his ducks in a row right ? dl ? money saved to move ? money saved to get what he needs or she needs correct ? mine wasn't prepared to move out .
And now he's either going to sink or swim, but either way, it's his life. And, yes, before you ask, I do have adult children.
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:08 PM
 
15,727 posts, read 13,146,725 times
Reputation: 19623
Maybe they were raised badly?

When it comes to the vast majority of relationships, you get out of it what you put into it. Yes, there can be the occasional adult child who has mental illness, a drug problem, whatever out of the blue. But if all of your adult children seem made at you, maybe recognize that the common denominator is you.

I have adult children, early to late 20s. All successfully launched. One came home after college for her "gap year" before grad school. We had to talk to her once to redirect her about what the purpose of the gap year was but it ended well and she may come back home if she post docs nearby. She did not need to be told to be tidy, respectful of others, and so on because she (and the others) had been raised to be that way even as children. It wasn't a matter of rules, it is a matter of how you choose to live. Gratitude is something children learn very early, expecting it suddenly manifest in an adult child is odd at best.
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:09 PM
 
Location: Bexley, Ohio
588 posts, read 54,662 times
Reputation: 391
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
.. wow how many of you have adult kids ? just wondering if some of you posting here even have kids ? Please do tell me .
We have 3 kids (2 girls and 1 boy, all between 25-31 years old. Of course they are ‘men and women’, but I will always call them my ‘kids’). Things have not always been rosy, but they have all flown the coop, (though one came back briefly). We talk regularly. Our door is always open to them and their friends. Fortunately we have not had any thefts, but I am sure that would have weighed in on our ‘open door policy’. I encourage you to try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your kids, whether they live with you or not.
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Old 01-09-2018, 07:23 PM
 
3,309 posts, read 3,250,345 times
Reputation: 8358
He shouldn't have to give notice to move out of his parents' house, unless you had rented or bought the place together, with the understanding that you needed his income to meet the rent or mortgage.

He's SUPPOSED to move out! It sounds to me as if you're angry that you no longer have the same degree of control over his life, which is also as it's supposed to be.

Be happy for him, invite him home for Sunday dinner, and don't support him so that he doesn't have extra money to carouse with.
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Old 01-09-2018, 08:09 PM
 
Location: Winterpeg
639 posts, read 225,657 times
Reputation: 2615
I'm not quite understanding the OPs exact issue, either. There seems to be a general frustration on the OPs part that the son can't do anything right in her eyes.

My daughter is 23 and living all on her own. We wish she'd stayed in our city, but we keep in contact. Like today she texted her dad and I today out of the blue, and we had a nice group "chat". We talk and Facetime sometimes as well. She does some things that make us roll our eyes, but it's her life and she's learning how to do things. If she for some reason had a major issue and wanted to come live with us again, she'd be more than welcome.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Our home has always been open to the friends of our sons. It would be different if we hadn't welcomed the chance to meet them. If you have to worry about your son's friends stealing from you, that speaks more about your son's judgement than the generation in general..
Yes, exactly. Our house was always open to our daughter's friends as well. We trusted them because we trusted her.
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Old 01-09-2018, 08:23 PM
 
7,108 posts, read 2,880,368 times
Reputation: 9791
I would be ecstatic. He did you a favor. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! LOL
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