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Old 01-09-2018, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,063 posts, read 14,366,090 times
Reputation: 34080

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Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
My son recently lived with us for a while and he gave us a one day notice that he was moving out and he moved in with people he has only known for a month or two .We think he did not like our rules .Our rules were no one in the house that we did not know 2. no loud talking while we were trying to sleep we all kept different hours .3. he pay 200 a month to help out with things 4. he had to keep his room and things neat and clean . Not rules that could not be followed really closely . I don't think we were unreasonable . Boo hoo the world is full of rules . Now he does not understand why we are angry with him . Well we busted our humps to help him and get him things he needed and this is the thanks we get a one day notice he is moving out . we feel betrayed and angry and we no longer want to help any of them now because of how we were done .I'm not angry with my other children but they seem to be with me . But I can live with that .I'm just wondering why do these supposed adults act like entitled spoiled brats ? is this how our future generations are turning out ? I have seen other people complaining about their adult kids acting the same way and wondering why ? oh and now he has said he is moving in with his sister . Well I for one am tired of being the bad guy , anyone else here have the same problem with their adult kids ?
No matter if your son is 18, 28 or 38 those seem like very reasonable rules to me.

I think that some of the posters are misinterpreting your rule about "no one in the house that you do not know" to mean that he couldn't have his friends over to visit. I bet that you meant that he couldn't invite random strangers that he just met at a bar or on the street back to your house or something like that. And, it is only common curtesy not to wake up your room mates or housemates if they are sleeping. Asking $200 a month is very reasonable. In my area, one bedroom apartments rent for $800 to $1,000 a month.

Now, IMHO, there is difference between keeping his bedroom "neat and clean" and not making messes in the common areas of your home. Most of my friends who allowed adult children to live at home did not care about how they kept their bedroom (as long as it was not a health hazard) but needed to help keep the common areas (kitchen, bathroom, living room) neat and clean.

BTW, our children are 30 and 34. I asked our daughter to move home to help with caregiving my husband (her father). She lived at home for two years after college and it was a real delight. Our son moved home for several months to help me with my stage IV cancer and with caregiving and he, too, was a delight to have at home. But, in both cases they were doing me a favor and not the other way around.
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Old 01-09-2018, 08:44 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
5,157 posts, read 6,491,094 times
Reputation: 12098
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Why don't you just say "NO"? It's not that hard.


I see a lot of posts here by parents of adult kids. There really shouldn't be. Parenting ends when the kid turns 18. In my opinion, this is a board for parents of actual children. Once they reach adulthood they aren't kids anymore.


Tell them no, set boundaries and if you can't, it's ultimately your fault.
Hmm....didn't see it the forum rules that parents of adults and young adults are not allowed to post here or to start threads. There is something to be said for what is learned through experience.

BTW--parenting never ends, it changes. There are some constants like worrying about your children when they're going through some difficulty or making big life decisions. Come back in a few years when your children are adults and lecture us on how parenting ends when a kid turns 18.

To the OP: Yes, I have adult children. No, they don't treat us poorly or take advantage of us. They are self-sufficient, independent adults in their mid-20's. For the record, we welcomed their friends into our home. We were delighted when each of them at various times, brought groups of friends home so they could all get a break from college. Getting to know their new young adult friends was fun.

Last edited by rrah; 01-09-2018 at 08:52 PM..
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Old 01-09-2018, 09:42 PM
 
Location: here
24,003 posts, read 27,503,744 times
Reputation: 29478
I don't understand what there is to be upset about, or why this scenario would cause you to not want to help your kids anymore. He's an adult. Adults move out. That's how it works. Why are you so dead-set on keeping him at home?
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Old 01-09-2018, 10:02 PM
 
Location: here
24,003 posts, read 27,503,744 times
Reputation: 29478
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Why don't you just say "NO"? It's not that hard.


I see a lot of posts here by parents of adult kids. There really shouldn't be. Parenting ends when the kid turns 18. In my opinion, this is a board for parents of actual children. Once they reach adulthood they aren't kids anymore.


Tell them no, set boundaries and if you can't, it's ultimately your fault.
ROFL! Good one! Do you even have kids? Once a parent, always a parent. Literally.

This forum would be pretty lame if it was only parents of babies trying to figure stuff out, don't you think? It's the parents of adult kids who know about all stages of parenting, and know if what they did actually worked.
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Old 01-09-2018, 10:20 PM
 
Location: Tennessee at last!
1,723 posts, read 1,491,782 times
Reputation: 3344
I have two adult kids born in 1982 and 1984, and two 14 year old kids born in 2003.

OP, you raised him, so the values he has are what he learned from you. If he has not learned to respect you, your spouse, and you home by now, he likely never will.

Keeping the home clean is something he should have learned before he was ten years old. As an adult, it should not need to be mentioned. Messing up your home is a sign of disrespect.

Being quiet when you are sleeping, again is a sign of respect to you and your spouse. And should have been learned by the time he was maybe two years old?

That you would be concerned about the types of friends he would bring into your home, shows that your son may be on a vary bad pathway in his life, and needs some professional guidance and help, not for the monitoring of his friends (which you SHOULD do to avoid being a victim of his friends), but for assistance is determining why he is on a pathway that leads to poor quality friends, and likely on a pathway that leads to poor quality choices in other areas too. And with the hope that a professional counselor may be able to help him make better choices.

BTW, that level of rent, likely does not cover the additional food and utilities you paid for.

Moving out with out a big 'thanks for helping me out, I think I can make it on my own now' conversation again shows a lack of respect or value of the relationship he has with you.

I do not think that all or most adult kids act like your son. I think he did not learn respect, or he does not value respecting you now for whatever reason.

That is a conversation you need to have with him....

And for the other posters that say its your fault because you gave your son rules, THEY are the reason we have adult kids who are special little snowflakes with great ideas of entitlement. The world has rules, and none of these rules were beyond normal...and most should not have even had to been said.

And yes, I am strict with my kids, and demand respect.
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Old 01-09-2018, 11:50 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,308 posts, read 9,419,585 times
Reputation: 20365
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
well we were trying to teach him how to live in the real world like paying bills and getting a 2nd job which he needed and a car and yet he chooses to move . you cant move with a one day notice in the real world . I'm tired of these entitled kids who think whatever they do is right . I guess maybe I expected him to do right and abide by the rules and no he broke a few rules and was told like an adult about him breaking the rules . He also needed to learn how to pay rent and to get back on his feet . Which he was not even close too . So I guess I will let the chips fall where they may and maybe then he will learn like the rest of us . wow how many of you have adult kids ? just wondering if some of you posting here even have kids ? Please do tell me .
Wait a minute. You're tired of all of these entitled kids? We're talking about YOUR kid. The kid YOU raised. So if he does things you dislike, they didn't start yesterday. They've been going on for years.....just like you raised him!

Did you have a written lease with him? No? Then really who cares if he gives you a days notice that he's moving out. Why can't you be happy that your son is moving on in life? Where's the happiness about he taking a step into adulthood which is what you want? He has to learn at some point. No better time than the present!

How old is this kid? You left that out.
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Old 01-10-2018, 12:25 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
67,709 posts, read 58,872,285 times
Reputation: 61431
OP, could you explain why you're upset about your son's departure, other than that it was sudden? Does he not have a steady enough income source to pay for rent and groceries? Are you expecting him to end up back at home in a couple of months?
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:10 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
12,392 posts, read 16,652,699 times
Reputation: 20589
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
OP, could you explain why you're upset about your son's departure, other than that it was sudden? Does he not have a steady enough income source to pay for rent and groceries? Are you expecting him to end up back at home in a couple of months?
no he wont be back here he is going to his sisters in a month and live with her for a while and yes I do feel he is on a bad path and yes he had a lack of respect for me and my home and that is what I had an issue with thanks .
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:04 AM
 
Location: Northern VA (for now)
22,092 posts, read 30,568,177 times
Reputation: 28644
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
My son recently lived with us for a while and he gave us a one day notice that he was moving out and he moved in with people he has only known for a month or two .We think he did not like our rules .Our rules were no one in the house that we did not know 2. no loud talking while we were trying to sleep we all kept different hours .3. he pay 200 a month to help out with things 4. he had to keep his room and things neat and clean . Not rules that could not be followed really closely . I don't think we were unreasonable . Boo hoo the world is full of rules . Now he does not understand why we are angry with him . Well we busted our humps to help him and get him things he needed and this is the thanks we get a one day notice he is moving out . we feel betrayed and angry and we no longer want to help any of them now because of how we were done .I'm not angry with my other children but they seem to be with me . But I can live with that .I'm just wondering why do these supposed adults act like entitled spoiled brats ? is this how our future generations are turning out ? I have seen other people complaining about their adult kids acting the same way and wondering why ? oh and now he has said he is moving in with his sister . Well I for one am tired of being the bad guy , anyone else here have the same problem with their adult kids ?
Oh the audacity of that son of yours to decide he doesnít like your rules and to find another option and to not give you notice even though you donít have a formal lease that requires it.

Seriously you sound like my mother when I told her I got my first place and was moving out. She like you was furious I got tired of her rules and I had an opportunity to leave before she could kick me out herself.
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:17 AM
 
Location: here
24,003 posts, read 27,503,744 times
Reputation: 29478
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
Oh the audacity of that son of yours to decide he doesnít like your rules and to find another option and to not give you notice even though you donít have a formal lease that requires it.

Seriously you sound like my mother when I told her I got my first place and was moving out. She like you was furious I got tired of her rules and I had an opportunity to leave before she could kick me out herself.
Sounds like a control thing to me. Op is angry her son is choosing his sister over her..
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