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Old 01-10-2018, 06:19 AM
 
Location: here
24,105 posts, read 27,819,147 times
Reputation: 29866

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Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
no he wont be back here he is going to his sisters in a month and live with her for a while and yes I do feel he is on a bad path and yes he had a lack of respect for me and my home and that is what I had an issue with thanks .
If he lacked respect when he lived there, why do you care that he's moving out? Seems like you'd want him out.
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:43 AM
 
Location: The analog world
13,705 posts, read 7,898,845 times
Reputation: 18476
It's been my experience that even in loving and close family relationships, the grief of separation when one leaves the nest can cause a temporary lashing out between parents and children. I think of it as a protective mechanism we employ to prevent emotional pain. Most often intense at the end of the teenage years, these behaviors can rear their ugly heads even in people who are old enough to know better. For example, I snapped at my elderly mother after a wonderful visit over the holidays just before I left for the airport to come home. I don't really know where it came from, but I was ashamed of myself. Deep down, I think it was because I worry every time I visit that it may be the last time, and it's easier to part when a flash of anger prevents me from dwelling on my anxiety over her poor health. Keep that in mind as you work through these difficult moments in your relationship with your son and other children, OP, and strive to be confident that you have given them the tools they need to be successful on their own because their independence was always the ultimate goal, right?
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:10 AM
Status: "Stalking is a mental disorder" (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
4,372 posts, read 1,517,094 times
Reputation: 9198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
ROFL! Good one! Do you even have kids? Once a parent, always a parent. Literally.
.
No. Adult kids (unless they have special needs) don't need to be coddled anymore. They should be on their own. They should not need actual parenting.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:14 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,139 posts, read 15,524,517 times
Reputation: 17358
What did his lease say regarding notification about moving out?
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Denver area
20,892 posts, read 21,484,691 times
Reputation: 34191
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
No. Adult kids (unless they have special needs) don't need to be coddled anymore. They should be on their own. They should not need actual parenting.

Parenting =/= coddling. Parenting changes as children age - it looks more like advice and guidance - but it most certainly does not stop, and certainly not at 18. There are any number of reasons that a parent might be actively "parenting" a young adult - particularly as it relates to posting on this forum. Which is here for discussion. Parenting is a description of a specific type of relationship that is very different than anything else. I don't know why it would irritate you that parents of older or adult children would post here. They have experience to share as well as challenges in their relationships that are unique and not necessarily a fit for NRR.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:20 AM
 
Location: The analog world
13,705 posts, read 7,898,845 times
Reputation: 18476
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
No. Adult kids (unless they have special needs) don't need to be coddled anymore. They should be on their own. They should not need actual parenting.
How do you define parenting? I still look to my elderly parents for advice and guidance, and they often give it, sometimes unsolicited much to my chagrin because I know it implies that I've disappointed them. I suppose I'm the same with my own children, even the two that have mostly flown the coop. Parenting changes over time. We don't just wake up one day, and say, "Hey, you're completely on your own. Good luck!" It's a slow transition over many years to a new kind of relationship, but it's never one of complete equals. I am always my parents' child, and I will always be my children's parent. That why the loss of one's parents is so wrenching. It's the loss of an identity on top of the loss of a loved one.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:20 AM
Status: "Stalking is a mental disorder" (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
4,372 posts, read 1,517,094 times
Reputation: 9198
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Parenting =/= coddling. Parenting changes as children age - it looks more like advice and guidance - but it most certainly does not stop, and certainly not at 18. There are any number of reasons that a parent might be actively "parenting" a young adult. And any number of reasons one may be back living at home.
"Parenting" adult kids is also known as helicoptering. It is somewhat shameful. Living at home is okay if the adult is otherwise independent, but there's no reason for adults to manage the lives of other adults. So I just don't agree with that.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Denver area
20,892 posts, read 21,484,691 times
Reputation: 34191
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
"Parenting" adult kids is also known as helicoptering. It is somewhat shameful. Living at home is okay if the adult is otherwise independent, but there's no reason for adults to manage the lives of other adults. So I just don't agree with that.
.

No - helicoptering is something different and can be done by parents of very young children as well. The parent child relationship is a unique one and while a successful parenting relationship should evolve, it is stll a parent-child relationship. I still look to my parents for advice and guidance in challenging situations - and I have no doubt that the insight, advice and guidance they provide is more than they provide to random strangers on the street or even close friends. They have a very distinct perspective and insight to my (and my sibling's) history, personality and character combined with the wisdom of age and experience.

I do agree that parents should not be "managing" the lives of their adult children but I don't believe that is a good descriptor of all (or even most) parents of young adult children when they talk about "parenting". Navigating college and the early stages of adulthood can be a challenge - as can stepping back and seeing your child struggle. But both are bound to happen and posters come here to discuss - it does not necessarily indicate helicoptering. When my children were in college (over 18) and had a situation they weren't sure how to handle, they might call and seek advice. The discussion was between parent and child and offered insight and guidance - parenting. Now, if I had called the school/professor/roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend and attempted to solve it for them - that would be helicoptering.

Last edited by maciesmom; 01-10-2018 at 07:58 AM..
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Denver area
20,892 posts, read 21,484,691 times
Reputation: 34191
Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
How do you define parenting? I still look to my elderly parents for advice and guidance, and they often give it, sometimes unsolicited much to my chagrin because I know it implies that I've disappointed them. I suppose I'm the same with my own children, even the two that have mostly flown the coop. Parenting changes over time. We don't just wake up one day, and say, "Hey, you're completely on your own. Good luck!" It's a slow transition over many years to a new kind of relationship, but it's never one of complete equals. I am always my parents' child, and I will always be my children's parent. That why the loss of one's parents is so wrenching. It's the loss of an identity on top of the loss of a loved one.
Yes, exactly.
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Old 01-10-2018, 09:32 AM
 
4,437 posts, read 1,740,068 times
Reputation: 13333
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
"Parenting" adult kids is also known as helicoptering. It is somewhat shameful. Living at home is okay if the adult is otherwise independent, but there's no reason for adults to manage the lives of other adults. So I just don't agree with that.
Uh oh, watch out Priscilla! When you criticize a whole group of parents for the situation they are in, someone upstairs makes a tick mark against your name. What ever you are saying you will never do, or your kids will never do, they'll do in spades.

The words in a previous post, "they should be on their own. They should not need actual parenting". Yikes!

You just bought yourself a kid who will not launch, or who needs a lot of extra support after becoming an adult. For reals.
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