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Old 01-12-2018, 01:51 PM
4,377 posts, read 1,487,020 times
Reputation: 10108


Take the mattress off her bed and the door off her bedroom. Weird how it motivates a different kind of behavior. For real.
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Old 01-12-2018, 01:57 PM
Location: NJ
304 posts, read 91,627 times
Reputation: 1058
What does your heart tell you to do? Quite frankly, you can approve or disapprove of how she lives her life but she's not on hard drugs, she's not popping out babies- sure she's slow to mature but that doesn't mean she's a failure or won't get there on her own. Nothing here screams bad parentage to me either.

I will step in and defend a bio major. People don't go into bio for security. They go into it because they need a constant challenge- they need to keep learning- it's almost compulsive. There is an element of excitement. Entry level jobs in bio do not pay much if a pittance but if advanced degrees are earned it can range from well-paying (as in she will treat you to cruises and summer homes) to managing just fine but being intellectually satisfied- feeling like a complete human. What more could you want. Support her now. It is very very intimidating to go into the field. Not everyone succeeds, maybe she needs some help from a therapist or even professional mentoring.

At her age you don't get a lot of say in who she choses to be with. You are pretty much done raising her. All you can do now is support her- doesn't matter if you kick her out or disapprove of her choices or let her live with you for the next 20 years. Make sure she knows you are on her side and be open to hearing her ideas whether they seem ridiculous to you or not. truly she is not an adult yet. This is sink or swim time. It's not your goal to let her sink. Give her a liferaft but have a limit in place (don't threaten her with it either- but have a boundary set for yourself and revisit it if she puts in real effort). Bio is not a field for quick choices. She can't possibly go from couch surfing to self-supporting over-night. It just won't happen. She will likely need to do research and get published before she has any amount of credibility in her chosen aspect of the field and even then she will be judged very harshly.

She could probably be working tomorrow if she's ok being stuck making very little as a research tech for the next 30 years or being in and out of work, or she could intern and work towards something better. It will more likely take advanced degrees- which can be very very intimidating and is only something she can decide if she's up for.

Best of luck to you and her. If bio doesn't work out she can go into business. She should have had some decent courses on statistics behind her belt- those are always marketable if she changes her mind.
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Old 01-12-2018, 02:22 PM
Location: Central IL
13,349 posts, read 7,121,412 times
Reputation: 31043
Originally Posted by NCN View Post
Throw my own child out? Home should always be home. My children are 40 and 50 something and they are welcome back here any time they want to be. But my rules will always be the house rules. No drugs, no unmarried sex on our premises, clean up after yourself and do your own laundry. The lawn mower is in the garage, use it.
So you're big and tough on your rules...but if they should happen to break them you wouldn't throw them out? Highly contradictory...you obviously were never put in such a position.
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Old 01-12-2018, 02:26 PM
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
3,785 posts, read 8,762,556 times
Reputation: 7334
I only browsed thru all of the replies, so hopefully I'm not repeating another post. I think you are sending a really, really bad message to your daughter. In treating her like a child and shielding her from responsibility and life challenges; you're sending her the message that she can't deal with life.

Complicating matters is the fact that life is really good for her right now--or so she thinks because it doesn't sound like she has ever experienced the gratification you get from working and taking care of yourself and contributing to society.

I would start by sitting your daughter down and apologizing for not having faith in her ability to take care of herself and for not teaching her how to do that. But you're going to start now.

Tell her she can have the basics: food and shelter. Luxuries are not included. Take away the cell phone, the car (perhaps if she gets a job she can have it) and help her create goals and a path to those goals. Tell her that you have faith in her ability to pull herself together.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:15 PM
847 posts, read 444,139 times
Reputation: 3238
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I've seen this happen a lot. I have adult sons, and know a LOT of my friends are in despair because their otherwise successful college educated kids get "stuck". They have a marketable degree and then come home to sit in kind of a fog.

I think partly it's because we as parents made our homes such plush lovely places to be. When I graduated college I would have to be in some dire straits to go back and live with my parents - I just didn't want to. It wasn't a pride in adulthood thing it was I ain't going back THERE to live thing. Not that there was anything wrong with my parents, but geez, who wants to follow their rules like a little kid? I lived in a duplex that was quickly condemned after graduating, because hey, I can afford this and it's my own little ratty home. Where I get to make up the rules.

So anyway, I don't know what to tell you except maybe locate a cheap little efficiency for her and pay rent for 6 months. I would, though, make an appointment for her to get adderall. I really do believe she's in a depression of some kind, and adderall would help. But first get her a drug test so she can be sure she's clean before going to the doc.
A big issue is that many students go to college, graduate, but don't have a direct path to even know how to get an upwardly-mobile job using that degree. Majors that are "direct line" (like nursing or teaching) have a clear path to employment, but things have changed if you don't. When I graduated years ago colleges had job fairs and companies would often hire students and train them. Today you must have internships (usually unpaid) in order to get that experience as companies won't train anymore. OP's situation is not uncommon.

That being said, OP needs to help his daughter formulate a path to better employment as it's obvious she lacks the skills. Did she do any internships? What was her plan with her biology degree? Could her college offer her any job placement help? As many have suggested make her devise a plan and stick to your conditions as well. Her lack of respect for your rules is unacceptable. But I think kicking her out without a clear path to employment using her degree could result in her floundering even worse.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:32 PM
Location: Winterpeg
647 posts, read 228,180 times
Reputation: 2628
Originally Posted by confused5596 View Post
She has some decent savings and it would last her without working and taking on all her expenses, for maybe a year and a half or more. She's pretty cheap though and would hate to touch her savings. Could be a big motivator. .
What?! Seriously? You're paying all of her bills, and she's sitting on a pile of cash?

I'm out.
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Old 01-12-2018, 06:58 PM
346 posts, read 656,669 times
Reputation: 365
It does not always work out the way you think it would. We had a 23 yo daughter (my step daughter) who would not even make an attempt to clean up her room, we gave her an ultimatum Clean up or move out.

She chose to move out and went to NC to live with her Father. Got Pregnant then got married and had a daughter all seemed well, had a son less that 18 months later. 6 months after her son was born DSS removed both children for unsanitary living conditions. The children were returned to them 6 months later and guess what, shes pregnant again.

6 months after the 3rd child was born (daughter) all 3 children were removed by DSS again for unsanitary conditions , they were placed in separate foster homes and the court acted to permanently remove the parents parental rights.

Dumb and Dummer (wife and I) could not see the children being split up so we set up our home for foster care and petitioned DSS to release the children to us. A court battle ensued and we finally won the rights to Foster the children.

DSS would only allow the Foster care to go on for so long ao we started adoption proceedings, 3 years ago all 3 children were adopted by us.

So what did the dirty room standoff cost us. We now have a 6, 8 and 10 year old family, I am in my 60's, wife a little younger but both of us are tired. I guess we forgot how much work kids are but we were much younger when we raised ours.

In the end I hope the children grow up to be well adjusted and successful and we find a place in Heaven for our efforts.
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:21 PM
33 posts, read 11,463 times
Reputation: 146
When you argue is it just petty crap or does she really not care about you two? If the stress of her not having a real job is taken away would your relationship be on good terms?

If it's actually mostly ok and you don't want to mess up your relationship, is there a way you can devise various ways to "accidentally inconvenience" her and gradually make her life not as plushy? Change your phone plan and tell her that only two phones can be on it now. Find a way to stop paying for her gas and car. Make up bull**** excuses, she can deal.

Any way you can move? I know, that's no small thing but if it fixes her & your life, maybe it's worth it. Move into a smaller place, no room for her.

Talk to her about going back to school, BS in bio is usually not enough in that field. If she did well on campus maybe she just needs to go back-- and she gets more time to mature. But make sure it's her who wants to further her education and please please do NOT pay for it. There are things she can do, like be teacher assistant, etc to pay for it her own damn self.
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:33 PM
Location: planet earth
2,892 posts, read 1,014,551 times
Reputation: 6550
OP: You're making excuses for her - it's not "the economy," she is not having problems like "lots of people her age."

You are enabling her to continue down the path she is on that you do not like.

Wake up.

Get out of denial.

Do something different!

Stop paying her bills - maybe that will motivate her to get a job that pays more. You said she's not even working half-time!!!

No excuses!
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Old 01-12-2018, 08:25 PM
6,308 posts, read 4,767,382 times
Reputation: 8437
Bye, Felicia.

Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
FIRST be sure she is on birth control.
How do you do that?
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