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This has been covered upthread already, so don't try to be pedantic, Larry.
OP, is there a chance she also could be suffering from depression after the demise of her longer-term relationship?
It may be something she needs to consider as she begins this transition.
So, if you didn't watch the video I linked earlier, it outlines a basic process:
1) Establish a timeline and a plan for her to move out. You cannot just kick her out tomorrow and expect success.
2) Tell her that you and your wife need to be able to live your own lives, and you need her to start living on her own. Write out the plan, and have her sign it like a contract. Establish the rules she has to abide by, and write out the penalties for not abiding by those rules.
If she doesn't live by the rules you agree to, THEN you start getting rid of stuff, like making her bed a mattress on the floor, eliminating the perks of living there. You ARE making it too comfortable, but you need to gradually wean her.
The main thing is to follow through on your own rules.
Anybody else think this guy is just a troll trying to pull everyone's leg? Not a single post prior to starting this thread...
He'd be a lot more distraught and distressed, rather than just mildly confused, if he was actually being driven to consider throwing the dear darling he'd spoiled her whole life out into the snow. Sorry, I'm not buying it.
It does not always work out the way you think it would. We had a 23 yo daughter (my step daughter) who would not even make an attempt to clean up her room, we gave her an ultimatum Clean up or move out.
She chose to move out and went to NC to live with her Father. Got Pregnant then got married and had a daughter all seemed well, had a son less that 18 months later. 6 months after her son was born DSS removed both children for unsanitary living conditions. The children were returned to them 6 months later and guess what, shes pregnant again.
6 months after the 3rd child was born (daughter) all 3 children were removed by DSS again for unsanitary conditions , they were placed in separate foster homes and the court acted to permanently remove the parents parental rights.
Dumb and Dummer (wife and I) could not see the children being split up so we set up our home for foster care and petitioned DSS to release the children to us. A court battle ensued and we finally won the rights to Foster the children.
DSS would only allow the Foster care to go on for so long ao we started adoption proceedings, 3 years ago all 3 children were adopted by us.
So what did the dirty room standoff cost us. We now have a 6, 8 and 10 year old family, I am in my 60's, wife a little younger but both of us are tired. I guess we forgot how much work kids are but we were much younger when we raised ours.
In the end I hope the children grow up to be well adjusted and successful and we find a place in Heaven for our efforts.
I'll bet you insist that those three kids clean their rooms.
I only browsed thru all of the replies, so hopefully I'm not repeating another post. I think you are sending a really, really bad message to your daughter. In treating her like a child and shielding her from responsibility and life challenges; you're sending her the message that she can't deal with life.
Complicating matters is the fact that life is really good for her right now--or so she thinks because it doesn't sound like she has ever experienced the gratification you get from working and taking care of yourself and contributing to society.
I would start by sitting your daughter down and apologizing for not having faith in her ability to take care of herself and for not teaching her how to do that. But you're going to start now.
Tell her she can have the basics: food and shelter. Luxuries are not included. Take away the cell phone, the car (perhaps if she gets a job she can have it) and help her create goals and a path to those goals. Tell her that you have faith in her ability to pull herself together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22
A big issue is that many students go to college, graduate, but don't have a direct path to even know how to get an upwardly-mobile job using that degree. Majors that are "direct line" (like nursing or teaching) have a clear path to employment, but things have changed if you don't. When I graduated years ago colleges had job fairs and companies would often hire students and train them. Today you must have internships (usually unpaid) in order to get that experience as companies won't train anymore. OP's situation is not uncommon.
That being said, OP needs to help his daughter formulate a path to better employment as it's obvious she lacks the skills. Did she do any internships? What was her plan with her biology degree? Could her college offer her any job placement help? As many have suggested make her devise a plan and stick to your conditions as well. Her lack of respect for your rules is unacceptable. But I think kicking her out without a clear path to employment using her degree could result in her floundering even worse.
Did the kid have jobs as a teenager? Making excuses when there are over six million jobs going begging right now is not a path to a solution. Enough excuses have been made. Time to grow up and go to work. McDonald's and Wal Mart are hiring.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo
What?! Seriously? You're paying all of her bills, and she's sitting on a pile of cash?
I'm out.
Didn't see that one. Show her the door.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyDonkey
Anybody else think this guy is just a troll trying to pull everyone's leg? Not a single post prior to starting this thread...
He'd be a lot more distraught and distressed, rather than just mildly confused, if he was actually being driven to consider throwing the dear darling he'd spoiled her whole life out into the snow. Sorry, I'm not buying it.
He'd be a lot more distraught and distressed, rather than just mildly confused, if he was actually being driven to consider throwing the dear darling he'd spoiled her whole life out into the snow. Sorry, I'm not buying it.
Nah, "mildly confused" makes a TON of sense, because if her were distraught he would have done something by now.
"Mildly confused" is based in the kind of well-intentioned cluelessness that inevitably leads to this kind of situation. It's the same mindset people have who claim they are blindsided when a spouse tells them they want a divorce.
They most likely are on autopilot, thinking they're mostly doing the right things but not really seeing the big picture of their life and looking at their actions and the results they have brought.
I don't believe the OP has the stomach to do what is required to help his daughter get out on her own. He will continue to enable her until something drastic happens, something initiated by another man in her life.
I am going to break with the crowd - there is absolutely nothing wrong with returning home after college. I'd say it's the norm. Or, that at least half of all kids do this.
Sometimes they need time to figure things out and decompress.
The most disturbing thing in this post is your daughter's much older significant other who has a child!
THAT would freak me out.
If you want to pretty much ensure that your daughter ends up with this man, kick her out! You may as well sign the marriage certificate.
So, your daughter is less focused than your son? People are different. You mentioned that she has ADD. Change - i.e. no longer being in college may affect her differently. This is a huge change.
A couple of things - it is quite usual for a student who went away to college to come home to attend Grad School.
Yes. She needs grad school. With a BS in biology. what type of job do you think she will get? Biologist?
Dream on. She has a foundational degree. Now she needs to hone it into a profession.
Here are a few grad programs she could explore with a BS in Bio -
1. Nurse Practitioner - good salary, high demand, no, in many programs she does not need to be a nurse. Actually, that is the trend.
2. Physicisian's Assistant (PA) Similar to nurse practitioner. High demand, well paid.
3. Teacher Certification in HS biology.
If you want more info about specific programs near your home, feel free to send me a direct message.
Why would you have her pay rent? Unless you need the money, I'd let her live at home.
Do whatever she wants? NO. I would expect her to help out around the house, do her own laundry, and in general, pull her weight.
She has a learning difference and she needs your support right now. She also needs structure and direction. And LIMITS.
You didn't send her to four years of college so she could shack up with some man who needs a Nanny for his kid. She is obviously, NOT making good choices. This would be the WORST time to kick her out.
I would set limits. See a family counselor. And as another poster suggested, make sure she is using birth control.
She needs you and her mother,and she needs counseling. She also needs to LOSE THAT OLDER MAN!
Get help.
Wishing you the best.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with moving back home after college for the purpose of getting on your feet. She doesn't seem to be trying to get on her feet. When the phones come up for renewal hers should not be renewed. That's the very least she should be paying on her own. I agree the boyfriend is a concern.
When the phones come up for renewal hers should not be renewed.
I agree that she does not seem to be trying.
However ...
people who keep suggesting that the phone be cut off may be forgetting that she needs the phone in order to get/keep a job. Many jobs these days text out the schedule to employees. They also often set up interviews that way. It is a necessity.
I used to volunteer for an organization that helped new residents who had emigrated here, and the first things they all wanted were a cell phone and then a vehicle. You have to be accessible and mobile today in order to be independent.
At most, I would encourage her to use some of her savings to offset the cost of the phone to the parents.
There are other things the parents can cut out or cut back on to make living in there home much less inviting. They need to start charging her rent, for one thing.
people who keep suggesting that the phone be cut off may be forgetting that she needs the phone in order to get/keep a job. Many jobs these days text out the schedule to employees. They also often set up interviews that way. It is a necessity.
I used to volunteer for an organization that helped new residents who had emigrated here, and the first things they all wanted were a cell phone and then a vehicle. You have to be accessible and mobile today in order to be independent.
At most, I would encourage her to use some of her savings to offset the cost of the phone to the parents.
There are other things the parents can cut out or cut back on to make living in there home much less inviting. They need to start charging her rent, for one thing.
Definitely. The weirdest part is that most young adults I know would at least OFFER to pay for stuff, because they know this kind of mooching is unacceptable. That's why I wonder if she's dealing with something like depression, etc. because this just doesn't make sense.
Anybody else think this guy is just a troll trying to pull everyone's leg?
Possibly, except for the numerous similar threads by other posters, and the many people I know in real life who seem genuinely puzzled as to why their almost 30 year old is still living at home and not moving from the couch.
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