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Old 01-13-2018, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Raleigh NC
4,739 posts, read 3,852,323 times
Reputation: 11741

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyDonkey View Post
Anybody else think this guy is just a troll trying to pull everyone's leg? Not a single post prior to starting this thread...

He'd be a lot more distraught and distressed, rather than just mildly confused, if he was actually being driven to consider throwing the dear darling he'd spoiled her whole life out into the snow. Sorry, I'm not buying it.
I definitely thought the same.
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Old 01-13-2018, 01:20 PM
 
8 posts, read 2,791 times
Reputation: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma View Post
I definitely thought the same.
I'm actually a long time ago poster who hasn't been active in a while. I posted on here from about 2006 to about 2011 and then I stopped. Didn't want to use my old account for this post but did see a lot of knowledge and similar situations, so wanted to see what other people did. I started a pretty successful company back in 2006 and, yes probably on auto-pilot all these years
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Old 01-13-2018, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
33,972 posts, read 32,582,758 times
Reputation: 62161
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused5596 View Post
... and, yes probably on auto-pilot all these years
It happens.

You can salvage this, but you need to have your wife's support and your daughter's full participation. Approach it as a way to get her on her own feet so she can live the type of life SHE wants.

Be VERY specific, though, about the rules she has to follow and the consequences of not following them.

Then follow through. You can do it.

Also, in case you aren't already doing so, now would be a good time to ramp things up with your wife, just to make sure y'all aren't taking your marriage for granted too.
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Old 01-13-2018, 02:23 PM
 
5,455 posts, read 4,235,425 times
Reputation: 3367
To the OP. Read the below quotes from your initial post again.

-College is paid for(never had to work), car is paid for, insurance is paid for, cell, health insurance, all expenses other than what she may spend on herself is paid for by me and wife.

-Moved back home after graduation and worked at my company briefly, maybe 2 months, said it sucked and left. She then took off 4 months(summer was her excuse.

She has done minimal in the past 8 months to find employment-

-She doesn't pay rent or any bills, fights with us frequently, dates an older guy(7 years older, divorced with young daughter), who also has minimal money and does nothing to advance himself(works at my company, which is another whole can of worms).

-She drinks frequently

- it falls back into the same old sloppy, lazy, excuse riddled pattern.

-On days off, she sleeps til noon, trashes her room, leaves dishes everywhere and when she does have to work, she's always late.



Quote:
Originally Posted by confused5596 View Post
I'm pretty much a softy but I'm really starting to feel that I'm not providing my daughter the guidance she needs to succeed on her own. By guidance, I mean guiding her to the door and making her provide for herself. Seems so harsh but yet seems lke the right thing. .


Go with the bold, and change your username to "NotSoConfused"
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Old 01-13-2018, 06:47 PM
 
1,544 posts, read 1,663,526 times
Reputation: 3409
Default With due respect - what, then, would you recommend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
No, I don't think the OP failed as a parent. I don't know the cause of some young adults getting stuck.

I'm not sure what I said that lit your fire, Brian. I'm saying don't kick someone out of the house when they're down. It often doesn't end well.

The fact that you don't know that is probably because . . . well, you don't know that.

Missing Persons are kind of my thing - and located but unidentified people. It's amazing how often this story is told. The young adult was floundering, and the parents tried their best but kicked the son/daughter (usually sons actually) out and changed the locks. That's the last time anyone heard from them ever again although there may be sightings at homeless shelters or under a bridge.

You can go through websites yourself of missing persons/located persons and the story is cliche.

My post was to try to counteract all those who say just kick her out, because it often ends tragically.
I have a 24 year old who decided after high school that he don't need no education. Not interested in trades, either. He was determined to become a "millionaire entrepreneur" by 30. Of course, his brilliant ideas have already been tested and failed in the market. He doesn't have a monopoly edge on anything: but being ignorant, he is innocent of facts. Magical thinking, I'm afraid, but some people have to learn everything the hard way.

He is now living with me and has enrolled in community college. After being a marginal student all through high school, and after having taken one course through its sequence (Level I, Level II) over two semesters over the succeeding five years, he enrolled in a full course load. Because you can't play a spring sport without maintaining a full course load, with the clip level grades.

I committed what he defines as a mortal sin - a transgression to his health code. In my house. He has not spoken to me in four days. So be it. Less hassle for me. He locks "his" room (not on drugs - he is a health advocate and germophobe). Says he doesn't care what happens to him, so there's not a lot of leverage.

I'm rolling my eyes and not saying a word. I suspect that he is terrified, looking for a back door, looking to blame anybody but himself for his potential failure. Maybe he WILL bite the bullet and succeed, although he has not set the situation up for success. I'm thinking there's hope he will become one with the academic community, and the community of peers at the community college. Playing a spring sport will advance that integration. Any activity that gets him away from inward focus/naval-gazing, and into forward momentum and engagement with a community of peers is a good activity.

I am willing to bite the bullet for two semesters or for a year - whichever is longer. At that point, if he flunks his courses and is out of runway, it is on him. There is a limit to how many courses you can flunk and still keep attending. Yes, I am paying for his coursework; cell phone; room and board. As if he were 14. What we have here is a massive case of arrested development: he is a 24 year old 14 year old. I sure as all get out did not model that behavior.

In his case, he is so ignorant that "Keep him alive until he's 25" is the operating model. I'll think about the next step once he reaches that milestone. By all accounts, men's frontal lobes and executive function (good judgment) seem to take a leap after they are 25 years old, assuming they live that long. I bank here on the law of large numbers. If it doesn't work, and he flunks out, and remains internally focused and belligerent - Clara: what would YOU do? I'm going to evict him and change the locks.

Needless to say, I do NOT want to harbor a perpetual pre-adolescent once I am dependent on Social Security, or in my dotage. At the point when he is 26, that will be my situation. Even now, living with a 24 year old teenager sucks a lot of bandwidth that I do not want to expend on a pouty 24 year old teenager.

So, Clara, how would you advise me? Since it appears that you have superior knowledge, as Missing Persons is one of your particular interests? I ask sincerely, and without a shred of sarcasm.
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Old 01-13-2018, 09:33 PM
 
9,844 posts, read 12,122,988 times
Reputation: 15398
Stop paying for everything. For starters. Then charge room and board.

The answer was right in the beginning. She said your company sucked and flounced.

I would have cut her off right then and there.

She also sounds like she has a substance abuse issue.
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Old 01-14-2018, 09:29 AM
 
2,504 posts, read 1,211,028 times
Reputation: 11587
Kick her out BEFORE she ends up pregnant. Once she's peggers she'll use that excuse to stay. And you'll let her. It'll be easier to say NO! if she's out of the house.

I have a 21 year-old grand-nephew who doesn't work and still lives with his mommy. He has no plans for college or a career of any kind. He's a moocher. It makes me sick, but mommy seems happy with that arrangement, as does the grandma. Both are alone, in the country and live within walking distance of each other.

The only way to make lazy people responsible adults is to throw them out of the house. Let them work like we all did. It won't kill them. It may kill you to allow her to keeping staying with you, especially if a baby is involved.
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Old 01-14-2018, 05:59 PM
 
4,096 posts, read 7,442,051 times
Reputation: 4603
Quote:
Originally Posted by jane_sm1th73 View Post
As if he were 14. What we have here is a massive case of arrested development: he is a 24 year old 14 year old. I sure as all get out did not model that behavior.
I am not Clara, but would like to comment that I have 14 year-olds and I am sharply aware that in 3.5 years they will be on their own. Not because they want it (they don't know yet), but it is MY visualisation. Whichever it will be, (college or work), they will be on their own, somehow: dorms or apartments. These stories scare the H out of me. I would rather they took life lessons in their youth (with me invisible, but in the background, for the VERY last resort) rather than at 25-30 etc. Yes, like probably all the parents I will consider them "not ready", "too young", will hear them whining... but the possibility of a 25-30 yo sitting on my neck is scarier. I am not scared for myself, but rather by the idea that my adult kids could be infantile.

Last edited by nuala; 01-14-2018 at 06:33 PM..
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Old 01-14-2018, 06:14 PM
 
285 posts, read 297,997 times
Reputation: 393
Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo View Post
What?! Seriously? You're paying all of her bills, and she's sitting on a pile of cash?

I'm out.
This 1,000 times!
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Old 01-14-2018, 07:07 PM
 
2,803 posts, read 1,027,325 times
Reputation: 8103
Quote:
Originally Posted by jane_sm1th73 View Post
I have a 24 year old who decided after high school that he don't need no education. Not interested in trades, either. He was determined to become a "millionaire entrepreneur" by 30. Of course, his brilliant ideas have already been tested and failed in the market. He doesn't have a monopoly edge on anything: but being ignorant, he is innocent of facts. Magical thinking, I'm afraid, but some people have to learn everything the hard way.

He is now living with me and has enrolled in community college. After being a marginal student all through high school, and after having taken one course through its sequence (Level I, Level II) over two semesters over the succeeding five years, he enrolled in a full course load. Because you can't play a spring sport without maintaining a full course load, with the clip level grades.

I committed what he defines as a mortal sin - a transgression to his health code. In my house. He has not spoken to me in four days. So be it. Less hassle for me. He locks "his" room (not on drugs - he is a health advocate and germophobe). Says he doesn't care what happens to him, so there's not a lot of leverage.

I'm rolling my eyes and not saying a word. I suspect that he is terrified, looking for a back door, looking to blame anybody but himself for his potential failure. Maybe he WILL bite the bullet and succeed, although he has not set the situation up for success. I'm thinking there's hope he will become one with the academic community, and the community of peers at the community college. Playing a spring sport will advance that integration. Any activity that gets him away from inward focus/naval-gazing, and into forward momentum and engagement with a community of peers is a good activity.

I am willing to bite the bullet for two semesters or for a year - whichever is longer. At that point, if he flunks his courses and is out of runway, it is on him. There is a limit to how many courses you can flunk and still keep attending. Yes, I am paying for his coursework; cell phone; room and board. As if he were 14. What we have here is a massive case of arrested development: he is a 24 year old 14 year old. I sure as all get out did not model that behavior.

In his case, he is so ignorant that "Keep him alive until he's 25" is the operating model. I'll think about the next step once he reaches that milestone. By all accounts, men's frontal lobes and executive function (good judgment) seem to take a leap after they are 25 years old, assuming they live that long. I bank here on the law of large numbers. If it doesn't work, and he flunks out, and remains internally focused and belligerent - Clara: what would YOU do? I'm going to evict him and change the locks.

Needless to say, I do NOT want to harbor a perpetual pre-adolescent once I am dependent on Social Security, or in my dotage. At the point when he is 26, that will be my situation. Even now, living with a 24 year old teenager sucks a lot of bandwidth that I do not want to expend on a pouty 24 year old teenager.

So, Clara, how would you advise me? Since it appears that you have superior knowledge, as Missing Persons is one of your particular interests? I ask sincerely, and without a shred of sarcasm.
I really don't know what to tell you, Jane, except my thought is don't kick him out until you reach the point that you don't care if you ever see him again. And that point might come. This is really, really hard and you must want to punch him in the neck. What I know is this: the idea that if you kick a young adult son/daughter out who is depressed and unable/unwilling to support themselves, it often doesn't work. In our culture we like to think it works - you kick him out, that's what's good for him, he'll figure it out and will thank you for it. Very, very often that's not the case.

Best wishes.
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