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Old 01-10-2018, 03:14 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,380,736 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
LOL

Come on.
What? On what planet should a father be "making sure" his 23 year old daughter is on birth control? Maybe if she had diminished capacity.

I have kids in this age range. Taught them about birth control/condoms (they are boys) long ago. I cant even see a world where I would "make sure" they were avoiding pregnancy.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,060 posts, read 7,343,713 times
Reputation: 16821
You already know the answer to this question and I think you may be looking for support.

Time to boot her out. Tell her she has 60 days to get a job, or better paying job and get out.

STOP paying her bills. STOP.

Phone disconnect immediately.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,130 posts, read 36,926,545 times
Reputation: 72055
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
What? On what planet should a father be "making sure" his 23 year old daughter is on birth control? Maybe if she had diminished capacity.

I have kids in this age range. Taught them about birth control/condoms (they are boys) long ago. I cant even see a world where I would "make sure" they were avoiding pregnancy.
Calm down.

Way to focus on the wrong point.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:17 PM
 
1,393 posts, read 544,922 times
Reputation: 3469
Well, you have babied her up to now so the die is cast. She would have been better off working her way through a local college. She seems to have no life skills, a degree that is not in demand, and doesn't earn enough to live on her own. This is not necessarily her fault as college doesn't give you those things. I had lived at home and worked and got loans to pay my way through college, and supported myself with work and loans through the first year of law school. When I decide not to go back to law school, I wound up back home in LA working 25 hours a week at a liquor store at minimum wage for 6 months. The old story is you have no work experience and can't get a job to give you work experience, and there were limted opportunies in LA. I tried but couldn't find anything better. Almost passed a civil service exam for fingerprint analyst, but just missed and needed to wait 30 days to take the test again. At that point my mother kicked me out and told me to go live with my father in NYC where there were real opportunities. My dad charged me rent for a cot in his living room and it took me 2 weeks to find a full time good paying job in NYC and 6 weeks to move out. Considering what her present salary is, ask her to start paying rent, at least $200 a month for room and board. Chances are she will decide to move out rather than pay rent for long. That's what happened with our son. At 19 I paid his first semester tuition at city university and said he would have to start paying rent and all his own expenses including getting student loans for tuition, and he was not allowed to have his girlfriend in his room. Nature took it's course and he moved out, and figured out how to pay 3x more for a studio apartment than we had requested in rent. The thing is, a person that age needs to make their own decisions. Taking away their child status of free room and board is a way to gently push them out of the nest.

Last edited by bobspez; 01-10-2018 at 03:45 PM..
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:18 PM
 
6,136 posts, read 2,389,542 times
Reputation: 17223
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
You already know the answer to this question and I think you may be looking for support.

Time to boot her out. Tell her she has 60 days to get a job, or better paying job and get out.

STOP paying her bills. STOP.

Phone disconnect immediately.
The problem with that, is you look around you and see bums on street corners, and women in shelters with two kids they aren't supporting, and where do they come from?

They come from families who kicked them out when they were somehow no longer functioning their best.

I understand the desire to set a date and change the locks, and we have a fantasy that then the young adults will 'pull themselves up by their bootstraps' and take hold, and in fact, later thank us for giving them the boot.

That happens sometimes, probably.

Mostly, the person becomes more lost. Who knows what is causing her brain chemistry to suddenly get stuck after a successful run at school and college, but that's the fact. And kicking her out will kick her IN to places you'd rather she not be.

If she's a roommate, kick her out and change the locks. If she's your daughter, not so much.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:21 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
33,954 posts, read 42,146,340 times
Reputation: 56050
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused5596 View Post
Sorry long rant-

My situation:

Daughter is 23 with a bachelors in bio, graduated with good grades and lived away from home for 4 years.

College is paid for(never had to work), car is paid for, insurance is paid for, cell, health insurance, all expenses other than what she may spend on herself is paid for by me and wife.

Moved back home after graduation and worked at my company briefly, maybe 2 months, said it sucked and left. She then took off 4 months(summer was her excuse) and finally due to our pressure, got a job recently.

She has done minimal in the past 8 months to find employment, maybe sent out 6 resumes and had 1 interview (where she works now). She works as a waitress at a local food place, maybe 10-20 hours on a busy week and takes home minimal money. I think her biggest paying night was $120 for doing a double but usually comes home making an average of maybe $8 an hour.

She doesn't pay rent or any bills, fights with us frequently, dates an older guy(7 years older, divorced with young daughter), who also has minimal money and does nothing to advance himself(works at my company, which is another whole can of worms). They spend a significant amount of time at our house despite us asking her not to or to find someplace else to go. They used to go to his place(he lives with his parents) but she hasn't been there in a while and I'm thinking they got asked not to be there, but just a guess.

She drinks frequently but more of a I'm an adult and can have a beer type of thing and not always hammered or anything although it can get to that point some nights. I disagree with drinking just about every night but do enjoy a few beers on occasion, so I'm not innocent there and have had my share of having a few too many. It's not really the drinking, it's more the lifestyle and the no rush to do anything attitude I think but it's still a sore spot for me.

Wife(retired) and I were/are both hard working professionals and have always had a strong work/success ethic. We have a nice home but nothing extravagant.

The other day, my wife found a big stain on the carpet in her room from a spilled drink and daughter thinks nothing about it, says it will come out. Daughter is supposed to clean her room today but wife is out running errands and I'm at work, we'll see if she did clean her room when we get home. There will be trouble if she did not. I'm sure she'll be peppering for the BF to come over tonight also. All the things that are driving us crazy.

We've laid down the rules multiple times and she may follow them for a while but eventually, it falls back into the same old sloppy, lazy, excuse riddled pattern. Says she needs aderall to focus because she had it in college but lost her prescription due to having thc in her blood work yet she hasn't made a Dr's appointment yet.

On days off, she sleeps til noon, trashes her room, leaves dishes everywhere and when she does have to work, she's always late. This is not a lifestyle I can bear to watch anymore and it is so painful to hear excuse after excuse about how tough it is to find a job. (Very tough when you don't apply). I see plenty of jobs she is qualified for and used to point them out to her but she'd say, I don't want to be stuck at a desk all day or I don't want to do lab work all day or don't want to do this or that. I think the problem is that she'd really prefer to do nothing all day and live at hotel Mom and Dad. I prefer she gets any job(s) until she finds her perfect spot on her own.

She's really a wonderfully bright talented young woman who has a lot of potential and we find it so painful to watch what she is doing. We tell her this frequently(not too frequently) and it usually escalates into a shouting contest about too much pressure, which nobody is happy about. The next day it's blown over and it's back to how it was.

I'm pretty much a softy but I'm really starting to feel that I'm not providing my daughter the guidance she needs to succeed on her own. By guidance, I mean guiding her to the door and making her provide for herself. Seems so harsh but yet seems like the right thing. My wife and I fight frequently about our daughter even though we both have the same opinion of what we feel is going to be the best path but we conflict on timing or feeling we are just being to aggressive with this.

We've had numerous discussions about applying for jobs, planning for the future and have even had some coaching done by well respected business associates about resumes, how to apply and interview for jobs(with suitable jobs openings), all to no avail.

This is my side. I feel mean for wanting her out but also can't take the stress or the crappy I can't/won't do that because it's not my perfect job thing anymore. My wife and I worked where and when we needed to and advanced ourselves along the way and we had our ups and downs but made it to where we are now.

I see so many opinions varying from "let them do what they want" to "pack their bags and change the locks". I've never been in this position before and although I truly believe on already having my mind set as to what I think is the best thing to do, it's very difficult to pull it off.

I'd like to read others experiences with similar situations and try to do this the right way with the least amount of hurt feelings and conflict.
Well, at least she’s educated, so has the tools to get out of the nest. We had a kid do 6 years in the Army, and then came home to work for our company and go to school. It was not a good situation, because he smoked and kept his room a stinking mess. We had to tell him to go elsewhere. He’s doing fine now, twenty years later, and finished college and has a good career, thankfully.

Anyway, you need to give your daughter a deadline, and mean it. You are not doing her any favors by cushioning her from the real world. This problem wasn’t created overnight, but the past is past. I think 3 months would be fair. If she needs help with a deposit on an apt. give it as a gift. Do not let her guilt trip you into an extension. Cheerfully remind her that you and mom are only thinking of her growth as a person. If there is a life coach you could send her to, that couldn’t hurt either.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Santa Monica, Ca
5,563 posts, read 3,081,073 times
Reputation: 12990
if I were you OP... I'd be more upset at the two people who raised her.
The end!
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:27 PM
 
Location: My House
32,244 posts, read 26,433,291 times
Reputation: 24092
Lay down some household rules that she won't want to abide by and she'll leave of her own accord.



Seriously, you have allowed her to have this guy over, to not work, to not help out around the house.

Stop allowing it. Tell her you need to negotiate a timeline for her to move out and that you'll be sticking to that timeline. Offer her the option to stay longer if she commits to some household chores and to your rules around guests. Also, she would need to pay for her share of the bills (phone, car insurance, food, utilities) if she is to stay longer due to not being able to find a good job.

You don't want to throw her out the door and hope she turns out okay, but you also don't want to keep enabling her.

I have one older than your daughter that lives at home with us, but he rents out our finished attic and he pays rent. He also helps out with his younger siblings and he's still in college AND working.

Also? He rarely has guests over here and he always tells me in advance when he does. Nobody stays over or anything. This isn't a hotel.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,282 posts, read 4,765,149 times
Reputation: 2820
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused5596 View Post



I'm pretty much a softy but I'm really starting to feel that I'm not providing my daughter the guidance she needs to succeed on her own.
You're crippling her. Tell her to get that stain off of YOUR rug and that the next time you find food/dishes in her room you will take the door off the hinges. Stop paying her bills, stop letting her and her boyfriend hang out in your house and tell her you will drop her from your insurance if she doesn't have a full time job in 60 days.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:32 PM
 
3,081 posts, read 1,791,823 times
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Probably one of the first times I'm with Clara. I love my parents but could not wait to be free of the rules! Where are you going, what are you doing, when will you be home? I had a room off the basement that didn't have a latching door (they were accordion doors). The dog could easily push them open and if someone was watching TV on the other side, it disturbed me and I could not make noise and disturb them!

I graduated college, got a job and moved out all in the same week.

If you don't want to kick her out, set firm rules and stand by them. Make it uncomfortable to be there. I know one of my siblings paid rent after then finished school and started working. I would have had to do the same had I stayed. I was already paying for insurance and gas, and had bought my car off my parents. No cell phone to worry about.
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