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Old 01-10-2018, 03:32 PM
 
736 posts, read 367,810 times
Reputation: 1716

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Old 01-10-2018, 03:40 PM
 
402 posts, read 209,929 times
Reputation: 991
I went to college with quite a few girls like this: upper-middle-class upbringing, free tuition, free car, free cell phone, allowance, etc. A couple of them couldn't pump their own gas or write a complete sentence that didn't include "lolz" or "omg," but they're doing just fine because they married people in the same social class or even higher. They couldn't hold down a job, but they don't need to. At this point, the solution is to find a stable mate.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Chambersburg, PA
146 posts, read 49,147 times
Reputation: 93
I am almost 30. I thought 22 to 44 was appropriate age range for me to be dating.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:55 PM
 
3,899 posts, read 5,901,261 times
Reputation: 10390
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
The problem with that, is you look around you and see bums on street corners, and women in shelters with two kids they aren't supporting, and where do they come from?

They come from families who kicked them out when they were somehow no longer functioning their best.

I understand the desire to set a date and change the locks, and we have a fantasy that then the young adults will 'pull themselves up by their bootstraps' and take hold, and in fact, later thank us for giving them the boot.

That happens sometimes, probably.

Mostly, the person becomes more lost. Who knows what is causing her brain chemistry to suddenly get stuck after a successful run at school and college, but that's the fact. And kicking her out will kick her IN to places you'd rather she not be.

If she's a roommate, kick her out and change the locks. If she's your daughter, not so much.
Seriously?

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You're saying the OP failed as a parent. Couldn't be bothered to prepare their daughter to function in society and without their continued help she will end up on the street corner with 2 illegitimate kids.

I just want to make sure I understand you as it seems overly caustic for someone who's trying to virtue signal how sensitive they are.

OP, kick her out. I've been through the same (only I was flunking out of college with massive depression), somehow I'm still around decades later. I don't love my parents for it, but I understand why they did it and that it needed to be done. Of the MANY others I've encountered who've gone through the same, none were in homeless shelters (for longer than a few months), drug addicts or suddenly burdened with illegitimate kids. Actually, I struggle to think of even one instance of any of that happening among all the stories I've heard. Not one suicide either. I actually can't think of anyone who wasn't living well years down the road.....
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,945 posts, read 35,692,498 times
Reputation: 69372
Quote:
Originally Posted by jate88 View Post
I am almost 30. I thought 22 to 44 was appropriate age range for me to be dating.
Are you wanting to date the OP's daughter?
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Old 01-10-2018, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Manchester, MO—>East Cobb, GA 30062
553 posts, read 233,733 times
Reputation: 762
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Are you wanting to date the OP's daughter?
No?? Theyíre probably saying a 23 year old and 30 year old dating isnít so unusual.

I hope the OP isnít so bothered by their daughter dating a 30 year as that he is even in worse of a position the daughter.
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Old 01-10-2018, 04:15 PM
 
4,921 posts, read 1,934,827 times
Reputation: 14553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian_M View Post
Seriously?

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You're saying the OP failed as a parent. Couldn't be bothered to prepare their daughter to function in society and without their continued help she will end up on the street corner with 2 illegitimate kids.

I just want to make sure I understand you as it seems overly caustic for someone who's trying to virtue signal how sensitive they are.

OP, kick her out. I've been through the same (only I was flunking out of college with massive depression), somehow I'm still around decades later. I don't love my parents for it, but I understand why they did it and that it needed to be done. Of the MANY others I've encountered who've gone through the same, none were in homeless shelters (for longer than a few months), drug addicts or suddenly burdened with illegitimate kids. Actually, I struggle to think of even one instance of any of that happening among all the stories I've heard. Not one suicide either. I actually can't think of anyone who wasn't living well years down the road.....
No, I don't think the OP failed as a parent. I don't know the cause of some young adults getting stuck.

I'm not sure what I said that lit your fire, Brian. I'm saying don't kick someone out of the house when they're down. It often doesn't end well.

The fact that you don't know that is probably because . . . well, you don't know that.

Missing Persons are kind of my thing - and located but unidentified people. It's amazing how often this story is told. The young adult was floundering, and the parents tried their best but kicked the son/daughter (usually sons actually) out and changed the locks. That's the last time anyone heard from them ever again although there may be sightings at homeless shelters or under a bridge.

You can go through websites yourself of missing persons/located persons and the story is cliche.

My post was to try to counteract all those who say just kick her out, because it often ends tragically.
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Old 01-10-2018, 04:19 PM
 
Location: North State (California)
21,200 posts, read 1,792,671 times
Reputation: 8191
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedZin View Post
Lay down some household rules that she won't want to abide by and she'll leave of her own accord.



Seriously, you have allowed her to have this guy over, to not work, to not help out around the house.

Stop allowing it. Tell her you need to negotiate a timeline for her to move out and that you'll be sticking to that timeline. Offer her the option to stay longer if she commits to some household chores and to your rules around guests. Also, she would need to pay for her share of the bills (phone, car insurance, food, utilities) if she is to stay longer due to not being able to find a good job.

You don't want to throw her out the door and hope she turns out okay, but you also don't want to keep enabling her.

I have one older than your daughter that lives at home with us, but he rents out our finished attic and he pays rent. He also helps out with his younger siblings and he's still in college AND working.

Also? He rarely has guests over here and he always tells me in advance when he does. Nobody stays over or anything. This isn't a hotel.

This. She needs to pay her own way, stop treating her like a 12 year old & ask her to pay some of the bills. And mean it.
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Old 01-10-2018, 04:24 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,945 posts, read 35,692,498 times
Reputation: 69372
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccernerd View Post
No?? Theyíre probably saying a 23 year old and 30 year old dating isnít so unusual.

I hope the OP isnít so bothered by their daughter dating a 30 year as that he is even in worse of a position the daughter.
The age of her boyfriend is the least of their worries.
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Old 01-10-2018, 04:36 PM
 
12,778 posts, read 19,248,112 times
Reputation: 33052
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedZin View Post
Lay down some household rules that she won't want to abide by and she'll leave of her own accord.



Seriously, you have allowed her to have this guy over, to not work, to not help out around the house.

Stop allowing it. Tell her you need to negotiate a timeline for her to move out and that you'll be sticking to that timeline. Offer her the option to stay longer if she commits to some household chores and to your rules around guests. Also, she would need to pay for her share of the bills (phone, car insurance, food, utilities) if she is to stay longer due to not being able to find a good job.

You don't want to throw her out the door and hope she turns out okay, but you also don't want to keep enabling her.

I have one older than your daughter that lives at home with us, but he rents out our finished attic and he pays rent. He also helps out with his younger siblings and he's still in college AND working.

Also? He rarely has guests over here and he always tells me in advance when he does. Nobody stays over or anything. This isn't a hotel.
Yes, this.

We have one living at home, at 27. He pays his bills. He is using the college degree we paid for, and rising up the ranks at work. Our house just happens to be near his work, and we have lots of room, so he's welcome to stay. However, had he not respected our home, and was not gainfully employed, we would have pushed him hard. We have our limits!
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