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Old 01-10-2018, 05:33 PM
 
Location: here
24,165 posts, read 27,971,382 times
Reputation: 30043

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Why are you still paying for her car, phone, etc?
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Old 01-10-2018, 05:49 PM
 
Location: North West Arkansas (zone 6b)
2,323 posts, read 1,550,126 times
Reputation: 2996
I think it's not fair for your daughter that you've coddled her for 23 years and now thinking of kicking her out. Don't get me wrong, you NEED to kick her out, but you're going to have to ease into it or she'll wind up homeless from not being able to adjust quickly enough.

Remember, brains don't fully mature until around 25 and for some coddled kids, maybe much longer.

Layout a timeline and ease her into the idea of self sufficiency ASAP. Think 3-8 months to fully cut that umbilical chord.

Thinking ahead to inheritances... you'll also want to setup some kind of annuity because dumping a large sum of money on someone is probably just as much trouble as winning a lottery.
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Old 01-10-2018, 06:00 PM
 
12,585 posts, read 11,834,554 times
Reputation: 35745
You've utterly infantilized her. Apologize to her for that, because yeah, you did fail her in that regard. Then tell her that for her own good you're giving her 60 days to move out. She'll pitch a fit, but hold firm. Give her a timeline for how you will stop paying for her life - phase yourself gently BUT FIRMLY out of her life. And make sure you stick to the timeline and follow through.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:01 PM
 
3,667 posts, read 2,759,132 times
Reputation: 11583
Yes, its time for her to move out. Nothing motivates someone to get a good job than having to make a rent payment, a car payment, and putting food in the fridge. She hasnt had to do any of that.

Time to shut down the Motel of Mom and Dad.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:02 PM
 
Location: Chambersburg, PA
146 posts, read 49,070 times
Reputation: 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Are you wanting to date the OP's daughter?
I am not as other people put it gainfully employed. I collect disability and work part time.
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Old 01-10-2018, 07:34 PM
 
5,113 posts, read 2,984,829 times
Reputation: 12557
OP, reread your second paragraph. She has no need to grow up because she has everything she needs for free. Make her at least pay for her gas and insurance! And it's time to give her a time limit on getting some kind of full time work.

I know it's too late for your family now, but IMO parents should never let their kids get to 23 without having had a few jobs! The experience gives them more confidence and sense of independence and develops maturity and responsibility. That is more important than the money actually in affluent families. (and the jobs should not be in the family business exclusively).

I suspect your daughter has been so sheltered that she is scared to get a real job in her field, maybe even afraid of the interview process. Does she spend any time with her college friends, or just the minimum wage 30 yr old boyfriend? That in itself indicates how she views herself.
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Old 01-10-2018, 08:15 PM
 
Location: 60630
11,383 posts, read 16,553,804 times
Reputation: 10338
It's funny. There is a thread where people discuss millennials and their lazy attitude towards pretty much everything. How they don't want to work. I hear it from coworkers and I see it as well. Then I hear the excuses how the job market sucks, how they have it much harder than us Generation Xers. Idk...this is yet another example right here the OP is providing. Living at home at age 23, haven't had a real job, never paid any bills, never had any responsibilities her whole life. That is not good. Not good at all.
I am not saying OP has failed because Im sure they did what they thought was best. I am far far from the perfect parent myself. But things are just different with the young adults in their 20's nowadays.
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Old 01-10-2018, 08:40 PM
 
113 posts, read 39,399 times
Reputation: 89
Tough LOVE is tough to do but enabling is even worse.
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Old 01-10-2018, 10:13 PM
 
3,372 posts, read 1,332,290 times
Reputation: 5850
She must have had a plan for the degree. What happened to the plan? Maybe if you could talk to her about that instead of "get a job" in general.
It seems odd to go for that particular degree just to slack off later. Is it possible that she's depressed bc she's not sure how to transition the degree into a job track she wants? Do you guys live in an area that supports her field?
I would try to get to the root of why she's going backwards.
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Old 01-11-2018, 06:49 AM
 
8,921 posts, read 10,627,815 times
Reputation: 11922
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I've seen this happen a lot. I have adult sons, and know a LOT of my friends are in despair because their otherwise successful college educated kids get "stuck". They have a marketable degree and then come home to sit in kind of a fog.

I think partly it's because we as parents made our homes such plush lovely places to be. When I graduated college I would have to be in some dire straits to go back and live with my parents - I just didn't want to. It wasn't a pride in adulthood thing it was I ain't going back THERE to live thing. Not that there was anything wrong with my parents, but geez, who wants to follow their rules like a little kid? I lived in a duplex that was quickly condemned after graduating, because hey, I can afford this and it's my own little ratty home. Where I get to make up the rules.

So anyway, I don't know what to tell you except maybe locate a cheap little efficiency for her and pay rent for 6 months. I would, though, make an appointment for her to get adderall. I really do believe she's in a depression of some kind, and adderall would help. But first get her a drug test so she can be sure she's clean before going to the doc.
Ummm mom, that usually isn't "a fog"........ala cheech and chong!
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