U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
Old 01-10-2018, 05:33 PM
Location: here
24,467 posts, read 28,664,560 times
Reputation: 31035


Why are you still paying for her car, phone, etc?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Old 01-10-2018, 05:49 PM
Location: North West Arkansas (zone 6b)
2,466 posts, read 1,693,669 times
Reputation: 3236
I think it's not fair for your daughter that you've coddled her for 23 years and now thinking of kicking her out. Don't get me wrong, you NEED to kick her out, but you're going to have to ease into it or she'll wind up homeless from not being able to adjust quickly enough.

Remember, brains don't fully mature until around 25 and for some coddled kids, maybe much longer.

Layout a timeline and ease her into the idea of self sufficiency ASAP. Think 3-8 months to fully cut that umbilical chord.

Thinking ahead to inheritances... you'll also want to setup some kind of annuity because dumping a large sum of money on someone is probably just as much trouble as winning a lottery.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2018, 06:00 PM
12,976 posts, read 12,378,882 times
Reputation: 37123
You've utterly infantilized her. Apologize to her for that, because yeah, you did fail her in that regard. Then tell her that for her own good you're giving her 60 days to move out. She'll pitch a fit, but hold firm. Give her a timeline for how you will stop paying for her life - phase yourself gently BUT FIRMLY out of her life. And make sure you stick to the timeline and follow through.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2018, 07:01 PM
3,745 posts, read 2,891,183 times
Reputation: 11918
Yes, its time for her to move out. Nothing motivates someone to get a good job than having to make a rent payment, a car payment, and putting food in the fridge. She hasnt had to do any of that.

Time to shut down the Motel of Mom and Dad.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2018, 07:02 PM
Location: Chambersburg, PA
150 posts, read 55,724 times
Reputation: 93
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Are you wanting to date the OP's daughter?
I am not as other people put it gainfully employed. I collect disability and work part time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2018, 07:34 PM
5,755 posts, read 3,269,140 times
Reputation: 13490
OP, reread your second paragraph. She has no need to grow up because she has everything she needs for free. Make her at least pay for her gas and insurance! And it's time to give her a time limit on getting some kind of full time work.

I know it's too late for your family now, but IMO parents should never let their kids get to 23 without having had a few jobs! The experience gives them more confidence and sense of independence and develops maturity and responsibility. That is more important than the money actually in affluent families. (and the jobs should not be in the family business exclusively).

I suspect your daughter has been so sheltered that she is scared to get a real job in her field, maybe even afraid of the interview process. Does she spend any time with her college friends, or just the minimum wage 30 yr old boyfriend? That in itself indicates how she views herself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2018, 08:15 PM
Location: 60630
11,618 posts, read 16,994,056 times
Reputation: 10610
It's funny. There is a thread where people discuss millennials and their lazy attitude towards pretty much everything. How they don't want to work. I hear it from coworkers and I see it as well. Then I hear the excuses how the job market sucks, how they have it much harder than us Generation Xers. Idk...this is yet another example right here the OP is providing. Living at home at age 23, haven't had a real job, never paid any bills, never had any responsibilities her whole life. That is not good. Not good at all.
I am not saying OP has failed because Im sure they did what they thought was best. I am far far from the perfect parent myself. But things are just different with the young adults in their 20's nowadays.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2018, 08:40 PM
128 posts, read 51,055 times
Reputation: 94
Tough LOVE is tough to do but enabling is even worse.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-10-2018, 10:13 PM
3,445 posts, read 1,478,856 times
Reputation: 6036
She must have had a plan for the degree. What happened to the plan? Maybe if you could talk to her about that instead of "get a job" in general.
It seems odd to go for that particular degree just to slack off later. Is it possible that she's depressed bc she's not sure how to transition the degree into a job track she wants? Do you guys live in an area that supports her field?
I would try to get to the root of why she's going backwards.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-11-2018, 06:49 AM
9,263 posts, read 11,091,103 times
Reputation: 12427
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I've seen this happen a lot. I have adult sons, and know a LOT of my friends are in despair because their otherwise successful college educated kids get "stuck". They have a marketable degree and then come home to sit in kind of a fog.

I think partly it's because we as parents made our homes such plush lovely places to be. When I graduated college I would have to be in some dire straits to go back and live with my parents - I just didn't want to. It wasn't a pride in adulthood thing it was I ain't going back THERE to live thing. Not that there was anything wrong with my parents, but geez, who wants to follow their rules like a little kid? I lived in a duplex that was quickly condemned after graduating, because hey, I can afford this and it's my own little ratty home. Where I get to make up the rules.

So anyway, I don't know what to tell you except maybe locate a cheap little efficiency for her and pay rent for 6 months. I would, though, make an appointment for her to get adderall. I really do believe she's in a depression of some kind, and adderall would help. But first get her a drug test so she can be sure she's clean before going to the doc.
Ummm mom, that usually isn't "a fog"........ala cheech and chong!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top