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Old 01-11-2018, 10:56 AM
3,312 posts, read 3,251,736 times
Reputation: 8359


She needs a marketable job skill, needs to move out. She also has untreated ADD (her sloppiness and trouble getting anything done all points to poor executive functioning). From what you describe, she's not anyone you want to live with.

She needs to consider career options. With her degree in Bio, the quickest route to being self-supporting is a certification in healthcare. Respiratory therapist, ultrasound tech, X-ray tech, etc. all would pay her over 50K/year, which would be enough to move out on. Community colleges have 2 year programs for certifying in these fields, and she probably could do it in two summers and a year, what with her Bio BA. She will probably need to be on stimulant medications to succeed in the program.

You can charge her rent - not what she can afford, but a third of what it costs to live in your home - consider mortgage, taxes, utilities, food. Of you could charge her half of what a two bedroom apartment costs in your area, plus a third of utilities and food. Often, when adult children find out their parents are going to charge them as much as it would cost to move out, they move out, so that they can live by their own rules. If you don't need the money, bank it for her (but don't tell her), and then give it to her when she needs it, as a present.

But please, don't let her continue living with you as a spoiled brat teenager. You deserve better, and it's not helping her at all.
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Old 01-11-2018, 12:40 PM
Location: Saint John, IN
10,638 posts, read 3,297,497 times
Reputation: 12748
Your daughter will continue this lifestyle until you stop enabling her as she doesn't know any better. My advice, give her a timeframe to get a job and move out or get a job and start paying rent to you. You have to think of it this way....if something was to happen to you and your wife, can she take care of herself? As a parent that is part of our responsibility, to get them to the point that they can take care of themselves. As of right now it sounds like your enabling would not allow that.
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Old 01-11-2018, 12:46 PM
Location: PA
839 posts, read 956,439 times
Reputation: 1753
There are a couple ways to go about this...but drastically kicking her out will probably encourage her to make bad decisions, and doesn't "teach" her...this is your last chance to teach her. Some suggestions:

1.) STOP paying for cell phone, and even drop her from your plan

2.) Car should be her responsibility fully - gas, insurance, upkeep, etc. If she doesn't have the money for this, say oh well, guess you aren't driving...

3.) I see nothing in here about charging her room and board. I would say you start February - at least a $100 a month.

Do any and all of these three things, and she will revolt/complain and start looking for a way out. This is stuff parents did back in the 90's to wean kids into adulthood, and I think you are not the only parent who is afraid to start cutting the cord. Start with baby steps...guarantee a year from now she will be formulating an escape plan from your house!
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Old 01-11-2018, 12:47 PM
Location: PA
839 posts, read 956,439 times
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Originally Posted by G-fused View Post
Executive Summary needed.
Do you need the illustrated version...ha ha! It wasn't that complicated or long, took me 40 - 45 seconds to read.
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Old 01-11-2018, 01:25 PM
9 posts, read 4,834 times
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All, thanks for the responses. Each one has significant value to us and we'll read them all repeatedly while we work on a solution.

I agree with what most everyone said and I'm a bit angry at myself for being such an enabler. I always considered myself to be somewhat of an a-hole and never pictured myself in this position but one of being able to provide and then have her fulfill what we expected- graduation, job and move on to bigger and better things.

My dad died when I was 22 and my wife's when she was 18. We both had to learn to do things on our own and that did give us an edge in progressing forward, as we had to. I actually lived at home until 26 after my dad passed away but worked full time and did all the yard work and whatever I could for home maintenance. I remember being about 20 and unemployed for the first time since I was 16 and my dad bitching up a storm about it. He'd give me extra yard work since I was home doing nothing I got a job quick but still helped with the yard work.

My daughter is on BC and is really a sharp kid. I've never been on the ADD bus but understand times change and people may need it but I'm not going to accept it as a cop out. She does have an appointment in a week or two, so maybe she'll get that sorted out.

I think my wife and I will sit down and develop a plan and then explain the situation(again, differently), devise some basic life skills training, set a time frame and start to transition her out on her own. I can see potential trouble with this plan also, so really have to work on stopping any loopholes or ambiguity that ends with us paying for an apartment and other living expenses but think that the out on the street approach would probably have a less favorable outcome.

I don't think that I could ever just pack her stuff and leave it outside but sometimes we're frustrated enough to do so. We really appreciate the alternate path that some of you have suggested. It gives us something to work with and brainstorm about. The real life experiences are terrific also and give us some comfort as we move forward.

She has a brother who is 22 and in senior year of college, graduates in May.. He definitely has more defined goals and a career path he is pursuing. He's a totally different type of kid though, already does everything on his own and if he doesn't know how, he'll call and ask but then he'll do it himself. We parented them both the same way, odd how it turns out.
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Old 01-11-2018, 01:29 PM
Location: here
24,467 posts, read 28,698,876 times
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Not believing in ADD doesn't make it any less real. Thank you for the sincere response. Many get defensive or just never come back.
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Old 01-11-2018, 01:30 PM
Location: South Carolina
13,084 posts, read 17,611,958 times
Reputation: 22386
Sounds like she disrespects your home aka her home as well . You have told her no bf there so mean it tell her to find somewhere else to go with the bf in tow again disrespecting you by not following the rules . charge her 200 a month that hardly covers anything I'm sure . Are you feeding her too ? if so let her know that she will owe 1/3 of the grocery bill too . My son just moved out and I was having problems with him and some people told me that not allowing friends over was treating him like a child , no I was covering my home and not knowing these people , I have some very nice things I would like to keep and not walk off with someone I don't know so if she has strangers in your home let her know you don't like it and you don't want them in your home . Stop paying for her cell indeed , she should be able to budget for gas and repairs on her car ,write up a lease and put a move in , move out clause in it , also there will be a penalty if she moves out later or earlier than expected . She needs to learn how to be an adult not learning how to disrespect your house and for god sake quit being her maid and give her stuff to do when she is home such as mop a floor , sweep , do some laundry . start the dishwasher if you have one . People need to learn to take care of themselves .I have5 adult kids and they are all different and they were parented the same way .Their dad died when they were young the oldest was only 12 and the youngest was 3 so I raised them on my own while working a full time job , it can be done . sometimes you have the one problem child though .

Last edited by phonelady61; 01-11-2018 at 01:33 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 01-11-2018, 01:48 PM
Location: OHIO
1,789 posts, read 766,734 times
Reputation: 4159
I lived at home after college. I paid for school myself so I had student loans, all my bills, my food, and did my fair share of housework and helped with household bills. I worked two jobs, never had people over or was a burden to them. My parents didn't really have to set any rules for me because they weren't needed.

I knew if I WASNT doing all that, it would have been a different story!

Set up ground rules. She needs a job asap. Then she takes on ALL her own bills. Maybe she can live rent free if she does her fair share of housework and follows the house rules. Or even charge her "rent" that she has to put aside and save that will help her move out. Explain to her that she's in a better position than most, as she isn't being burdened with student loan debt (which is why many kids move back home).
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Old 01-11-2018, 01:54 PM
4,091 posts, read 3,431,862 times
Reputation: 8102
Is the issue she can not get a better jpb or doesn't want one? Isn't a BS in Biology typically a degree you get on way to graduate degree in something more specialized? It seems like it would get you a job in a lab as a tech, but what else?

Is she suffering from depression? Did she suffer a trauma? It seems unusual someone who achieved good grades with a Biology major, would now be floundering. What happened?

What was the deal you made when she moved in? Honor that.
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Old 01-11-2018, 02:40 PM
Location: Raleigh
6,934 posts, read 5,159,491 times
Reputation: 9369
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
No, I don't think the OP failed as a parent. I don't know the cause of some young adults getting stuck.

I'm not sure what I said that lit your fire, Brian. I'm saying don't kick someone out of the house when they're down. It often doesn't end well.

The fact that you don't know that is probably because . . . well, you don't know that.

Missing Persons are kind of my thing - and located but unidentified people. It's amazing how often this story is told. The young adult was floundering, and the parents tried their best but kicked the son/daughter (usually sons actually) out and changed the locks. That's the last time anyone heard from them ever again although there may be sightings at homeless shelters or under a bridge.

You can go through websites yourself of missing persons/located persons and the story is cliche.

My post was to try to counteract all those who say just kick her out, because it often ends tragically.
That's a bit of a stretch...This kid has enough going for her, and she can make money.

I would give her 45 days to find a place to live, 6 more months on the family plan for cell phone (or make her chip in he 1/4 of the bill or whatever) and same with the car insurance.

Don't go in too many directions. You want her to be independent. That means she moves out with roommates or her own place.

The rest will come into line with that. She'll need to make more money and will figure that end out, which will take more time and leave less for the BF, etc...

But focus on the 45 day (or 30 or 60) day timeline and prod her out of the nest so she can fly.
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