Being mean giving college grad daughter the boot? (boy, chores, 7 years old)
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Parents many times make more excuses for daughters...is your son really that different or was it stressed to him that he needed a "real" degree that he could use to get a "real" profession? He hasn't had a chance to prove himself either so be sure you stay strong with him or you could have TWO at home again.
She lived in an apartment for 3+ years of college and ran a pretty tight ship. Yeah, college kid, maybe a little messy but kept her place pretty clean. Had a live in BF and they shared responsibilities. He moved 5 hours away to be a camp counselor after they graduated and that was the end of that. She was never a big party goer. More movies and a couple beers type of person. I know she can handle apartment life, shopping, groceries, etc so she isn't entirely hobbled and fully capable but I'm sure there are some skills, like budgeting that she can use some help with.
She has some decent savings and it would last her without working and taking on all her expenses, for maybe a year and a half or more. She's pretty cheap though and would hate to touch her savings. Could be a big motivator.
Current boyfriend is an okay guy, doesn't have his daughter much(no idea of the details) but to be honest, I don't see this relationship lasting all that long. He's a pretty talented artist/graphic artist and has great mechanical skills. An all around talented/decent guy who plays the victim and blames everyone else for him not advancing and being paid crap.
He is not our first choice for her, but I'm not her and ultimately, not my choice. I can like him or dislike him and I believe that it will have minimal impact on her decision whether they stay together or not. I just don't want it in my house anymore.
If we were to force her out, and they were to become roomies, she'd be the first one to ***** about stepping up. The speculation of the results is difficult to imagine.
Parents many times make more excuses for daughters...is your son really that different or was it stressed to him that he needed a "real" degree that he could use to get a "real" profession? He hasn't had a chance to prove himself either so be sure you stay strong with him or you could have TWO at home again.
Totally agree. He has a long time GF (6+ years) and they are highly motivated to not move back home. Things change though and who knows what happens. I certainly don't want two at home but unfortunately for daughter, he's a bit less work to have around.
Early on, we gave them both a choice to decide what they wanted to do with their college courses, she chose this path and he chose a different path. Biggest difference I see is that he's excited about his path and makes the extra effort to do internships, summer classes and things that move him forward in what he is interested in.
My daughter did well in school and really knows her stuff, just unmotivated to do anything with it and never took the extra steps to show any real passion.
Daughter is 23 with a bachelors in bio, graduated with good grades and lived away from home for 4 years.
College is paid for(never had to work), car is paid for, insurance is paid for, cell, health insurance, all expenses other than what she may spend on herself is paid for by me and wife.
Moved back home after graduation and worked at my company briefly, maybe 2 months, said it sucked and left. She then took off 4 months(summer was her excuse) and finally due to our pressure, got a job recently.
She has done minimal in the past 8 months to find employment, maybe sent out 6 resumes and had 1 interview (where she works now). She works as a waitress at a local food place, maybe 10-20 hours on a busy week and takes home minimal money. I think her biggest paying night was $120 for doing a double but usually comes home making an average of maybe $8 an hour.
She doesn't pay rent or any bills, fights with us frequently, dates an older guy(7 years older, divorced with young daughter), who also has minimal money and does nothing to advance himself(works at my company, which is another whole can of worms). They spend a significant amount of time at our house despite us asking her not to or to find someplace else to go. They used to go to his place(he lives with his parents) but she hasn't been there in a while and I'm thinking they got asked not to be there, but just a guess.
She drinks frequently but more of a I'm an adult and can have a beer type of thing and not always hammered or anything although it can get to that point some nights. I disagree with drinking just about every night but do enjoy a few beers on occasion, so I'm not innocent there and have had my share of having a few too many. It's not really the drinking, it's more the lifestyle and the no rush to do anything attitude I think but it's still a sore spot for me.
Wife(retired) and I were/are both hard working professionals and have always had a strong work/success ethic. We have a nice home but nothing extravagant.
The other day, my wife found a big stain on the carpet in her room from a spilled drink and daughter thinks nothing about it, says it will come out. Daughter is supposed to clean her room today but wife is out running errands and I'm at work, we'll see if she did clean her room when we get home. There will be trouble if she did not. I'm sure she'll be peppering for the BF to come over tonight also. All the things that are driving us crazy.
We've laid down the rules multiple times and she may follow them for a while but eventually, it falls back into the same old sloppy, lazy, excuse riddled pattern. Says she needs aderall to focus because she had it in college but lost her prescription due to having thc in her blood work yet she hasn't made a Dr's appointment yet.
On days off, she sleeps til noon, trashes her room, leaves dishes everywhere and when she does have to work, she's always late. This is not a lifestyle I can bear to watch anymore and it is so painful to hear excuse after excuse about how tough it is to find a job. (Very tough when you don't apply). I see plenty of jobs she is qualified for and used to point them out to her but she'd say, I don't want to be stuck at a desk all day or I don't want to do lab work all day or don't want to do this or that. I think the problem is that she'd really prefer to do nothing all day and live at hotel Mom and Dad. I prefer she gets any job(s) until she finds her perfect spot on her own.
She's really a wonderfully bright talented young woman who has a lot of potential and we find it so painful to watch what she is doing. We tell her this frequently(not too frequently) and it usually escalates into a shouting contest about too much pressure, which nobody is happy about. The next day it's blown over and it's back to how it was.
I'm pretty much a softy but I'm really starting to feel that I'm not providing my daughter the guidance she needs to succeed on her own. By guidance, I mean guiding her to the door and making her provide for herself. Seems so harsh but yet seems like the right thing. My wife and I fight frequently about our daughter even though we both have the same opinion of what we feel is going to be the best path but we conflict on timing or feeling we are just being to aggressive with this.
We've had numerous discussions about applying for jobs, planning for the future and have even had some coaching done by well respected business associates about resumes, how to apply and interview for jobs(with suitable jobs openings), all to no avail.
This is my side. I feel mean for wanting her out but also can't take the stress or the crappy I can't/won't do that because it's not my perfect job thing anymore. My wife and I worked where and when we needed to and advanced ourselves along the way and we had our ups and downs but made it to where we are now.
I see so many opinions varying from "let them do what they want" to "pack their bags and change the locks". I've never been in this position before and although I truly believe on already having my mind set as to what I think is the best thing to do, it's very difficult to pull it off.
I'd like to read others experiences with similar situations and try to do this the right way with the least amount of hurt feelings and conflict.
Up to the point in red, I was on your daughters side. Now, I think she is a moocher and you have a right to be upset.
I am all for supporting your children when they need it, regardless of their age. I didn't have my sons for just 18 or 21 years, I had them for life. However, you are being used and abused.
There is no going back, something was missed in her upbringing that created the entitled daughter you have, but it is not to late for some tough love. Time to get out, Honey.
Throw my own child out? Home should always be home. My children are 40 and 50 something and they are welcome back here any time they want to be. But my rules will always be the house rules. No drugs, no unmarried sex on our premises, clean up after yourself and do your own laundry. The lawn mower is in the garage, use it.
Throw my own child out? Home should always be home. My children are 40 and 50 something and they are welcome back here any time they want to be. But my rules will always be the house rules. No drugs, no unmarried sex on our premises, clean up after yourself and do your own laundry. The lawn mower is in the garage, use it.
Us, too. My kids know there is always room for them should they or their kids ever need or want to come home.
But they always knew they were part of a family and a shared living space. They had responsibilities to the household, thus family, as soon as they were big enough to do them. Even now when they are in town, I cook, they do the dishes. Nobody talks about it. They just start clearing and washing. When they leave they strip the beds and bring to the laundry room. They clean the bathrooms and empty the trash.
A couple years ago they were loading the car on the way to the airport. Daughter made a last pass to be sure nothing was left. Her son's gf was with them. Daughter pulled son out of the car while telling him his grandma was not his maid, and sent him to the girls room to bring her used water glassed to the kitchen, etc. The girl got the message.
When people live together, they have a duty to the group. Kids can know and understand that by the time they are 10. And parents who teach it are doing their kids a big favor.
Well, here's the thing: She's living this way because you raised her this way. She hasn't had to work for anything in her life, apparently, and has no "skin in the game" for rent, transportation, cell phone, insurance . . . all the "adulting" things. If she's a slob, it's because she probably had a mom who cleaned up behind her. She's floating along because she CAN.
So those who say, "Throw the little bum out!" aren't taking into account that she is what she is partly because you have enabled her to be exactly this way. As a result, I think it's a little unfair to suddenly go 180 in the other direction and come down all heavy-handed, changing the door locks, throwing her stuff out, etc. What you're really saying is, "I don't like the results of my parenting, and it's her fault." It's discouraging, to give your child every advantage, and have them turn into an unmotivated leech.
Not to say that you and your wife don't deserve to enjoy peace and quiet in your own home. At 23, it's past time for your daughter to start leaning "adulting". It's time for a "come to Jesus" meeting, where you sit down with your daughter and work out an exit strategy. She starts paying rent immediately. In 2 months, she will be taking over responsibility for her cell phone. In three/four months, she will need to take over the car expenses. In six months, she will be moving out, so she has six months to figure it out. Food will no longer be allowed in her room, and if she hasn't cleaned the spot on the carpet by the end of the weekend, you will be having a carpet cleaning company come in and she will be paying for it. I'd keep her on your health insurance, if I were you, because the cost is probably fairly minimal for you but would be pretty expensive for her alone, and the consequences of needing but not having insurance are too severe. However, on her 25 birthday, remind her that she needs to start looking for her own health insurance, if she hasn't worked out a job with benefits by that time.
Unfortunately, her boyfriend sounds like he's cut from the same cloth -- take a good look at him, because this is where your daughter will be in 7 years, if she doesn't get her life together. I don't think I'd object to boyfriend coming over for an occasional dinner or watching TV, etc. -- but no overnights, simply because it's my house and I get to determine who enjoys my hospitality. If she wants to enjoy an adult relationship, then she needs to be acting like an adult and not a child.
Daughter is 23 with a bachelors in bio, graduated with good grades and lived away from home for 4 years.
College is paid for(never had to work), car is paid for, insurance is paid for, cell, health insurance, all expenses other than what she may spend on herself is paid for by me and wife.
Moved back home after graduation and worked at my company briefly, maybe 2 months, said it sucked and left. She then took off 4 months(summer was her excuse) and finally due to our pressure, got a job recently.
She has done minimal in the past 8 months to find employment, maybe sent out 6 resumes and had 1 interview (where she works now). She works as a waitress at a local food place, maybe 10-20 hours on a busy week and takes home minimal money. I think her biggest paying night was $120 for doing a double but usually comes home making an average of maybe $8 an hour.
She doesn't pay rent or any bills, fights with us frequently, dates an older guy(7 years older, divorced with young daughter), who also has minimal money and does nothing to advance himself(works at my company, which is another whole can of worms). They spend a significant amount of time at our house despite us asking her not to or to find someplace else to go. They used to go to his place(he lives with his parents) but she hasn't been there in a while and I'm thinking they got asked not to be there, but just a guess.
She drinks frequently but more of a I'm an adult and can have a beer type of thing and not always hammered or anything although it can get to that point some nights. I disagree with drinking just about every night but do enjoy a few beers on occasion, so I'm not innocent there and have had my share of having a few too many. It's not really the drinking, it's more the lifestyle and the no rush to do anything attitude I think but it's still a sore spot for me.
Wife(retired) and I were/are both hard working professionals and have always had a strong work/success ethic. We have a nice home but nothing extravagant.
The other day, my wife found a big stain on the carpet in her room from a spilled drink and daughter thinks nothing about it, says it will come out. Daughter is supposed to clean her room today but wife is out running errands and I'm at work, we'll see if she did clean her room when we get home. There will be trouble if she did not. I'm sure she'll be peppering for the BF to come over tonight also. All the things that are driving us crazy.
We've laid down the rules multiple times and she may follow them for a while but eventually, it falls back into the same old sloppy, lazy, excuse riddled pattern. Says she needs aderall to focus because she had it in college but lost her prescription due to having thc in her blood work yet she hasn't made a Dr's appointment yet.
On days off, she sleeps til noon, trashes her room, leaves dishes everywhere and when she does have to work, she's always late. This is not a lifestyle I can bear to watch anymore and it is so painful to hear excuse after excuse about how tough it is to find a job. (Very tough when you don't apply). I see plenty of jobs she is qualified for and used to point them out to her but she'd say, I don't want to be stuck at a desk all day or I don't want to do lab work all day or don't want to do this or that. I think the problem is that she'd really prefer to do nothing all day and live at hotel Mom and Dad. I prefer she gets any job(s) until she finds her perfect spot on her own.
She's really a wonderfully bright talented young woman who has a lot of potential and we find it so painful to watch what she is doing. We tell her this frequently(not too frequently) and it usually escalates into a shouting contest about too much pressure, which nobody is happy about. The next day it's blown over and it's back to how it was.
I'm pretty much a softy but I'm really starting to feel that I'm not providing my daughter the guidance she needs to succeed on her own. By guidance, I mean guiding her to the door and making her provide for herself. Seems so harsh but yet seems like the right thing. My wife and I fight frequently about our daughter even though we both have the same opinion of what we feel is going to be the best path but we conflict on timing or feeling we are just being to aggressive with this.
We've had numerous discussions about applying for jobs, planning for the future and have even had some coaching done by well respected business associates about resumes, how to apply and interview for jobs(with suitable jobs openings), all to no avail.
This is my side. I feel mean for wanting her out but also can't take the stress or the crappy I can't/won't do that because it's not my perfect job thing anymore. My wife and I worked where and when we needed to and advanced ourselves along the way and we had our ups and downs but made it to where we are now.
I see so many opinions varying from "let them do what they want" to "pack their bags and change the locks". I've never been in this position before and although I truly believe on already having my mind set as to what I think is the best thing to do, it's very difficult to pull it off.
I'd like to read others experiences with similar situations and try to do this the right way with the least amount of hurt feelings and conflict.
Why is she living with you? She’s an adult, with a job and a man. She needs to move out.
She has no urgency to do anything because everything is done for her. ( And it sounds like the same goes for the boyfriend) the sooner you take her our of the nest the sooner she can fend for herself. Otherwise why should she?
Necessity is the mother of invention. Make it necessary for her to become productive and she’ll find a way.
What you're really saying is, "I don't like the results of my parenting, and it's her fault." It's discouraging, to give your child every advantage, and have them turn into an unmotivated leech.
This.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga
It's time for a "come to Jesus" meeting, where you sit down with your daughter and work out an exit strategy. She starts paying rent immediately. In 2 months, she will be taking over responsibility for her cell phone. In three/four months, she will need to take over the car expenses. In six months, she will be moving out, so she has six months to figure it out. Food will no longer be allowed in her room, and if she hasn't cleaned the spot on the carpet by the end of the weekend, you will be having a carpet cleaning company come in and she will be paying for it.
I gleaned from the OP's posts that sticking to a plan will be hard for him, the OP. Having NOT been strict for 23 years, he has to also "suddenly do the 180" to learn to be a parent?
He is dreading it. Probably does not know how not to cave in. How to survive the months of her reactions (whatever she practiced on them for 23 years to get goods and services out of them).
In such case, doing it cold turkey would be the best.
(To all the posters who advocate "they are my children, they may stay in my house when they are 40 and 50": you immediately follow it with "my house - my rules" and clearly outline to your adult children that leeching and slobbery would not be allowed. The OP's case is different. He does not know how to set a rule.)
I haven't read the whole thread, but ... have you talked to her about grad school? These days, an MA is needed for a job that pays well enough to support an independent adult. Is she interested enough in a biology-related field, to pursue graduate studies? Could she pass the GRE exam? Would you be willing to help her with tuition, if she had a part-time job to pay for living expenses?
Some parents expect kids with a BA to successfully launch, but that's been an unrealistic expectation in most fields, for at least a couple of generations, now. And btw, is there any possibility she could be depressed? It doesn't sound like she's enjoying life, or has much energy for being active, from your description of her weekends.
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