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Old 01-10-2018, 02:18 PM
 
9 posts, read 4,429 times
Reputation: 35

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Sorry long rant-

My situation:

Daughter is 23 with a bachelors in bio, graduated with good grades and lived away from home for 4 years.

College is paid for(never had to work), car is paid for, insurance is paid for, cell, health insurance, all expenses other than what she may spend on herself is paid for by me and wife.

Moved back home after graduation and worked at my company briefly, maybe 2 months, said it sucked and left. She then took off 4 months(summer was her excuse) and finally due to our pressure, got a job recently.

She has done minimal in the past 8 months to find employment, maybe sent out 6 resumes and had 1 interview (where she works now). She works as a waitress at a local food place, maybe 10-20 hours on a busy week and takes home minimal money. I think her biggest paying night was $120 for doing a double but usually comes home making an average of maybe $8 an hour.

She doesn't pay rent or any bills, fights with us frequently, dates an older guy(7 years older, divorced with young daughter), who also has minimal money and does nothing to advance himself(works at my company, which is another whole can of worms). They spend a significant amount of time at our house despite us asking her not to or to find someplace else to go. They used to go to his place(he lives with his parents) but she hasn't been there in a while and I'm thinking they got asked not to be there, but just a guess.

She drinks frequently but more of a I'm an adult and can have a beer type of thing and not always hammered or anything although it can get to that point some nights. I disagree with drinking just about every night but do enjoy a few beers on occasion, so I'm not innocent there and have had my share of having a few too many. It's not really the drinking, it's more the lifestyle and the no rush to do anything attitude I think but it's still a sore spot for me.

Wife(retired) and I were/are both hard working professionals and have always had a strong work/success ethic. We have a nice home but nothing extravagant.

The other day, my wife found a big stain on the carpet in her room from a spilled drink and daughter thinks nothing about it, says it will come out. Daughter is supposed to clean her room today but wife is out running errands and I'm at work, we'll see if she did clean her room when we get home. There will be trouble if she did not. I'm sure she'll be peppering for the BF to come over tonight also. All the things that are driving us crazy.

We've laid down the rules multiple times and she may follow them for a while but eventually, it falls back into the same old sloppy, lazy, excuse riddled pattern. Says she needs aderall to focus because she had it in college but lost her prescription due to having thc in her blood work yet she hasn't made a Dr's appointment yet.

On days off, she sleeps til noon, trashes her room, leaves dishes everywhere and when she does have to work, she's always late. This is not a lifestyle I can bear to watch anymore and it is so painful to hear excuse after excuse about how tough it is to find a job. (Very tough when you don't apply). I see plenty of jobs she is qualified for and used to point them out to her but she'd say, I don't want to be stuck at a desk all day or I don't want to do lab work all day or don't want to do this or that. I think the problem is that she'd really prefer to do nothing all day and live at hotel Mom and Dad. I prefer she gets any job(s) until she finds her perfect spot on her own.

She's really a wonderfully bright talented young woman who has a lot of potential and we find it so painful to watch what she is doing. We tell her this frequently(not too frequently) and it usually escalates into a shouting contest about too much pressure, which nobody is happy about. The next day it's blown over and it's back to how it was.

I'm pretty much a softy but I'm really starting to feel that I'm not providing my daughter the guidance she needs to succeed on her own. By guidance, I mean guiding her to the door and making her provide for herself. Seems so harsh but yet seems like the right thing. My wife and I fight frequently about our daughter even though we both have the same opinion of what we feel is going to be the best path but we conflict on timing or feeling we are just being to aggressive with this.

We've had numerous discussions about applying for jobs, planning for the future and have even had some coaching done by well respected business associates about resumes, how to apply and interview for jobs(with suitable jobs openings), all to no avail.

This is my side. I feel mean for wanting her out but also can't take the stress or the crappy I can't/won't do that because it's not my perfect job thing anymore. My wife and I worked where and when we needed to and advanced ourselves along the way and we had our ups and downs but made it to where we are now.

I see so many opinions varying from "let them do what they want" to "pack their bags and change the locks". I've never been in this position before and although I truly believe on already having my mind set as to what I think is the best thing to do, it's very difficult to pull it off.

I'd like to read others experiences with similar situations and try to do this the right way with the least amount of hurt feelings and conflict.
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Old 01-10-2018, 02:27 PM
 
4,580 posts, read 4,397,050 times
Reputation: 10419
Executive Summary needed.
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Old 01-10-2018, 02:37 PM
 
4,067 posts, read 1,540,461 times
Reputation: 11812
I've seen this happen a lot. I have adult sons, and know a LOT of my friends are in despair because their otherwise successful college educated kids get "stuck". They have a marketable degree and then come home to sit in kind of a fog.

I think partly it's because we as parents made our homes such plush lovely places to be. When I graduated college I would have to be in some dire straits to go back and live with my parents - I just didn't want to. It wasn't a pride in adulthood thing it was I ain't going back THERE to live thing. Not that there was anything wrong with my parents, but geez, who wants to follow their rules like a little kid? I lived in a duplex that was quickly condemned after graduating, because hey, I can afford this and it's my own little ratty home. Where I get to make up the rules.

So anyway, I don't know what to tell you except maybe locate a cheap little efficiency for her and pay rent for 6 months. I would, though, make an appointment for her to get adderall. I really do believe she's in a depression of some kind, and adderall would help. But first get her a drug test so she can be sure she's clean before going to the doc.
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Old 01-10-2018, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
35,787 posts, read 34,420,740 times
Reputation: 66902
FIRST be sure she is on birth control.

And you do need to give her the boot, but it's not easy. She can't just leave tomorrow and be independent. As it says in the link below, overindulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse.

I agree with the above poster here who says many of us overindulge our older kids.

Get some ideas here:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/...n_6001176.html

Watch the kid in the video start blinking when Dr. Phil starts laying out the plan. He knows the game is just about over LOL.
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Old 01-10-2018, 02:55 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
13,817 posts, read 19,568,879 times
Reputation: 18762
The only way your daughter is going to learn to take care of herself, is if you teach her to. You need to stop giving her everything. Start with charging her rent, and give her six months to move out. You are not doing her any favors by letting her lean on you. She knows she doesn't have to do anything to have a very comfortable life.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
12,858 posts, read 23,207,842 times
Reputation: 22699
Sit down with her and negotiate her departure date. Make sure she understands it is for real and there will be no extensions. Then do it! From that point on she is welcome and encouraged to visit but she is not welcome to live there. Then what she does is up to her. She can go out and get a real job or not. She can clean up her act or not. Up to her!

Help her move out then trash all the stuff she doesn't take with her. Then you change all the locks!
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:03 PM
 
Location: planet earth
1,063 posts, read 382,058 times
Reputation: 2591
I think I would think about devising a contract, then hire a meditator to come over when you present it.

In the contract I would have absolute rules to stay right now (re: cleaning, drinking, guests, whatever is important to you). Then, because you know she does not like your rules, I would have a provision for her to exit - something like, "if 'x' rule is broken, the contract is void and you will have 30 days to find another residence."

If she does not voluntarily leave at that point, then yes, I would put her stuff out and change the locks (you have to be careful due to tenancy issues so you might want to consult an attorney. You might, at that point, have to formally evict her).

The important thing right now is that this is your house and she is negatively impacting your life and your marital relationship. That is not okay, and as you said, it is not helping her be an independent adult either.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:04 PM
 
737 posts, read 342,973 times
Reputation: 1716
My mom kicked me out when I was 17 because I said I was going to college but I was also going to live with my boyfriend. Boyfriend didn't turn out well but I did. Kick this overgrown bird from the nest
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:08 PM
 
9,786 posts, read 5,850,604 times
Reputation: 22353
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
FIRST be sure she is on birth control.

And you do need to give her the boot, but it's not easy. She can't just leave tomorrow and be independent. As it says in the link below, overindulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse.

I agree with the above poster here who says many of us overindulge our older kids.

Get some ideas here:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/...n_6001176.html

Watch the kid in the video start blinking when Dr. Phil starts laying out the plan. He knows the game is just about over LOL.
No, that is not the place of dad to make sure a 23 year old is on birth control!!!

Just tell her its time to move out and give her a out date (1-3 months). She can deal with her own reproduction. If not...well still mom should have sat down and talked to her ages ago.
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Old 01-10-2018, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
35,787 posts, read 34,420,740 times
Reputation: 66902
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
No, that is not the place of dad to make sure a 23 year old is on birth control!!!
LOL

Come on.

Mom, Dad whoever. The woman is not putting away her damn dishes. SOMEBODY make sure she doesn't get pregnant "accidentally."
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