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Old 01-18-2018, 03:55 PM
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,034 posts, read 4,327,335 times
Reputation: 9021


Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Repeating for emphasis. I'm surprised at how many people are saying "just be thankful." Having a new baby is hard under the best conditions. Mom wants to spend time alone with her own child before returning to work, and grandma is not helping, she's making things harder.
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
She will? Are you sure?

I've seen MILs who blatantly do the opposite of what their kids ask, who speak to the baby instead of to the parents ("Do you wanna take a nap? Nooo you wanna stay with Grandma, don't you? Come on and let's go rock in the chair!" ... all in a baby talk voice ...)

I also do not agree with those who are scolding the OP for not being grateful to her MIL for being there AND providing free babysitting, which apparently is the Holy Grail of parenthood.

One advantage of having day care or a babysitter is that it is a business transaction. You come in, pick up the baby, pay and LEAVE. Go on with your life. If you have an issue with the way things go with the child care provider, you address it.

When it's your MIL and you don't have set emotional boundaries, as the OP apparently doesn't have, the "good-bye" time can drag out a half-hour or more as she sits around and asks how your day was, or what happened at the appointment you went to while she was there and then tosses in a few comments about your housecleaning habits.

You then have to deal with whatever has happened that you don't agree with and how you're going to address it ("I saw where you left those homemade baby foods for her but she didn't seem to like it do I gave her some peanut butter and she did just fine!").

When MIL is your babysitter, it can be nice if all parties involved are able to speak directly about conflicts. If not, then you just have your MIL all up in your business. So-called free babysitting can definitely have a cost.
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
Clearly, I'm late to the party, but it shouldn't be too difficult to say, "Gee Mom (or whatever you call her), Tuesday is no good, but if you'd like to come over on Wednesday morning, we're free until noon." Then, stick to the schedule. When noon approaches, say to Mom, "It's been so good spending time with you today. I'd love to have you over again on Wednesday morning next week, too. How about it?" If she wants to come again before then, just tell her that it won't work, and ask, "Can I count on you for Wednesday then?" Be firm, but be kind. You don't want to create problems because this relationship is long-term. So be kind. Above all, be kind.
What they said. Set clear boundaries. A few times a week would not work for us. I like my MIL in small doses because she can be smothering at times. Once a week works for us. (and yes, I've lived hundreds of miles away from relatives while solo-parenting with multiple kids and no reliable child care, and I still firmly believe in setting boundaries and making parenting choices and practices known)
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Old 01-18-2018, 03:59 PM
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,034 posts, read 4,327,335 times
Reputation: 9021
Originally Posted by BLDSoon View Post
Anyone that knows anything knows that it is a SUPREMELY BAD idea to get between a new mother and her newborn in any NEGATIVE way.

Any negative feelings she has at this time will be magnified and could lead to long term resentments and lots of issues bonding with her baby. I can tell there are lots of grandparents posting here. Hear this... grandparents have no right to anything the parents donít give them. If she is uncomfortable with the amount of time the grandma spends holding the baby, grandma should put the baby down, and let the baby sleep, and do whatever mum says because SHE is the mother.

OP as others have said, set boundaries now especially if you plan on using her as childcare. This will go from letting the baby nap to not feeding the baby anything you do not feel is appropriate. If you cannot come to an understanding, shell the money for childcare. Maybe having to spend the money will bring your DH around to what needs to happen here.

Being lucky to have the help of grandparents does not mean that the grandparents should do whatever they want with your child. They are there to help not make it harder for you. Please talk to your husband about the situation and have him mediate that situation as soon as
Well said.
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Old 01-31-2018, 11:12 AM
Location: New Jersey
1,783 posts, read 2,259,422 times
Reputation: 2596
I just came back from maternity leave a couple of weeks ago. I can see both sides here. On one hand, I did feel like all of the visits from family and friends became tedious for me. I was so tired and it really seemed to mess with my daughter's ability to sleep during the day. On the other hand, it was nice to get a little break from holding her all of the time, and people would bring food so we didn't have to cook, which was great.

After time, I just learned to say no to people. I remember one morning, I could not get her down to nap, and eventually she went to sleep at like 2pm. Literally 10 minutes later my friend texted me telling me she wanted to come see the baby. I responded "I'm so sorry but she was fussy all morning and I just got her down...so it's not a good time." She understood. Eventually the visits tapered off and people weren't coming over very often.

I would recommend being honest with your MIL - let her know when she is interfering. I would also recommend taking advantage of her being there. My mother helped out with some laundry & stuff. If you're able to pump, let others feed the baby. Your little one will have to drink from a bottle when you go back to work, anyway.
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Old 01-31-2018, 12:23 PM
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
35,175 posts, read 43,348,273 times
Reputation: 58317
Iím a new grandma, after an 18 year dry spell, and if I lived closer, Iíd be seeing the baby 2-3 times a week, for sure, but Iím always super conscious of letting her mom be in control of everything about the babyís care.
If I can just give her a hug, then leave, thatís fine. Or if I can watch her for a few hours, thatís fine too.
The problem is lack of communication, and being straightforward is usually the best idea.
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Old 02-01-2018, 11:21 PM
8,173 posts, read 5,808,922 times
Reputation: 11631
My mom generally saw my son twice a week and my dad once. As other have said, be happy for the babysitter. But more importantly, be thankful that your baby has an extended family that loves him.
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Old 02-05-2018, 12:05 PM
12,572 posts, read 14,757,211 times
Reputation: 14429
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Prior to having a baby, I saw my MIL only on special occasions or holidays. Since having my first child in November, she has been over 2-3 times a week and frankly I’m getting sick of it. My maternity leave is over in a few weeks and I don’t want to give up any more time with baby then I have to.

Plus when she’s over, she baby hogs. She will hold him for hours on end. I have to argue with her just so I can get him to nurse. Baby can’t nap because she won’t let him. She does everything she can to keep him up so she can play with him.

I don’t know if im overreacting but I feel like I’m seeing her too much. Once a week is where I would like to keep it at. DH doesnt think it’s a big deal. He doesn’t have a problem with handing baby over to his mom.

What do you guys think? Should I cut down the visits?? And if I should, how do I go about doing it? I’ve never been good at saying no
You shouldn't have to argue with your mom to feed your baby, and she should let baby nap when he/she's tired.
Most mothers welcome having someone with the baby as it's very hard to get done what needs doing when you're by yourself with the baby.
It sounds like your mother is perhaps a little pushy about how she spends her time with the child. She should be helping you to help the child, not just concentrating on only the child.
Does she help in other ways as well?...like folding laundry, or sweeping your floors?..or doing dishes?..preparing a meal??
It's hard to resist being with a little one...she'll be heartbroke if you limit her time with the child.
Maybe you could shorten her visits......and use them to do what you can't do with the child.

Maybe you could just tell her that you don't want any flack when you want to feed or put the baby down for a nap...and that you feel uncomfortable when she does that.....good luck.


I know I was there almost everyday when my grandchildren were very young...they're hard to resist, though I always helped around the house as well.
MIL needs to ask you what needs doing, not just be with baby all the time...she could do some chores while you sit with the child, or she can sit with the child while you do the chores.
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