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Old Yesterday, 09:49 AM
 
895 posts, read 318,140 times
Reputation: 3185

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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Ha Ha Ha! Oh my god, you should be kissing this woman's feet. Don't you realize that this is the woman who is going to allow you to someday go out to dinner with your husband, go to a play with your husband, go away for a night with your husband, go on vacation with your husband? Not to mention that having a doting grandmother's love and attention can only help your child.

Just pray that she is alive and well for a very long time, and express your gratitude toward her. Be overtly welcoming and loving towards her. Don't worry, the baby knows who his mother is, and you will have plenty of time with him, one on one.

On the other hand a loving caring grandmother cares about the needs of a mother of her grandchild too. forming a healthy caring loving bond with a dil is essential for sustaining a long term relationship with grandchildren . Can't just bypass the mothers needs like she is in the way
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Old Yesterday, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Denver area
20,541 posts, read 20,751,739 times
Reputation: 32810
Quote:
Originally Posted by mortpes View Post
You are both working I see. Do all you can to encourage the free help and force yourself to say nothing but praise. Later you will be so glad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Ha Ha Ha! Oh my god, you should be kissing this woman's feet. Don't you realize that this is the woman who is going to allow you to someday go out to dinner with your husband, go to a play with your husband, go away for a night with your husband, go on vacation with your husband? Not to mention that having a doting grandmother's love and attention can only help your child.

Just pray that she is alive and well for a very long time, and express your gratitude toward her. Be overtly welcoming and loving towards her. Don't worry, the baby knows who his mother is, and you will have plenty of time with him, one on one.
The OP is entitled to her feelings and to make parenting decisions based on what she feels is best for her family. Which includes herself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
However is too little or too much is how YOU feel and you really need to be firm in a kind way about what your needs are as a new mother. If you could ask your mil to pick one day to come is a good idea and say you need quiet bonding time meanwhile. Your husband and mil need to respect YOUR needs even if you have to assert that, and you are offering a compromise. As a new mum you need time to adjust and bond with your baby. The mil has plenty of time to bond as a grandmother, but baby needs to bond with you FIRST.
Exactly.
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Old Yesterday, 09:52 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
33,953 posts, read 32,582,758 times
Reputation: 62128
Quote:
Originally Posted by elan View Post
I suppose so, mine's a saint, we had her stay for a month.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post

I would have loved having a grandma closer than 550 miles away.

No, but MIL is one of those who can make that happen. Again, would have loved it.
SO it's apparent that many posters reply to these questions in ways that would apply to their OWN lives but may not be so helpful to the OP.

Becoming a grandma doesn't automatically cleanse you of all the interpersonal problems you had BEFORE your child had a child.

The OP's MIL may be fine, just blinded by new baby love, or she may be overbearing and thoughtless, or ... she may be somewhere in the middle! Whatever the OP's reality is, she has to learn how to navigate these kinds of situations with her relatives because they will occur with increasing frequency as the baby gets older and if they have more kids.
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Old Yesterday, 10:03 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
23,313 posts, read 12,926,428 times
Reputation: 18307
Quote:
Originally Posted by abcdefg567 View Post
You need boundaries ASAP. Anything more than once a week is intrusive unless you invite her.

Also, get DH on board now.

I hate to say this, but grandparents as daycare with what you're describing is a recipe for disaster.

As much as I'm against baby websites, you need to find yourself on the BabyCenter DWIL board before it's too late.

I agree that boundaries are going to be VITAL in light of the fact that Grandma will be a regular baby-sitter.


My mother was very overbearing all my life and she would have taken over my son IF I gave her the opportunity. OTOH - she loved my son to death and was a wonderful Grandmother to him and a GREAT help once I returned to work. (Babies get sick; you can't call off or babies get sick and they can't go to the babysitter . . .).


There is a balance and you will need to find it.


I find it's just best to hash things out without getting mad if possible. I didn't let my Mom babysit every day because that would have just given her too much power. Plus, I found a local daycare run out of a home and my son really ended up loving it there and staying until he went to pre-school. BUT, if my Mom wanted to go and pick him up early sometimes ~ I said yes. IF he didn't want to go to daycare and wanted to go to Grandma's (and she was ok with it ) I said yes. As he got older, if Grandma called and wanted to take him to a movie ~ I said YES. Things that would have angered me pre-baby, didn't get me as mad. (As in I would come home to MY home and find all his toys picked up and arranged) Ha!


It all worked out. We fought like cats and dogs (he should have a coat on, etc) but we learned to laugh about it and I always had the final say. She loved and cherished him and he her until she died.


In the end, her help made me a better mother by lessening my workload.


Good luck!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
On the other hand a loving caring grandmother cares about the needs of a mother of her grandchild too. forming a healthy caring loving bond with a dil is essential for sustaining a long term relationship with grandchildren . Can't just bypass the mothers needs like she is in the way
Agree.
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Old Yesterday, 10:15 AM
 
1,674 posts, read 772,681 times
Reputation: 3223
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Prior to having a baby, I saw my MIL only on special occasions or holidays. Since having my first child in November, she has been over 2-3 times a week and frankly Iím getting sick of it. My maternity leave is over in a few weeks and I donít want to give up any more time with baby then I have to.

Plus when sheís over, she baby hogs. She will hold him for hours on end. I have to argue with her just so I can get him to nurse. Baby canít nap because she wonít let him. She does everything she can to keep him up so she can play with him.

I donít know if im overreacting but I feel like Iím seeing her too much. Once a week is where I would like to keep it at. DH doesnt think itís a big deal. He doesnít have a problem with handing baby over to his mom.

What do you guys think? Should I cut down the visits?? And if I should, how do I go about doing it? Iíve never been good at saying no
Sounds like a normal grandmother to me.

I'd keep your trap shut about this and accept that she wants to be a big part of your son's life. You are definitely overreacting. My daughter lost her grandmother (my mother) much too soon. Spending time with my daughter and playing with her was my mother's greatest joy in her life. You have no idea how lucky you are.
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Old Yesterday, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
33,953 posts, read 32,582,758 times
Reputation: 62128
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
I agree that boundaries are going to be VITAL in light of the fact that Grandma will be a regular baby-sitter.


My mother was very overbearing all my life and she would have taken over my son IF I gave her the opportunity. OTOH - she loved my son to death and was a wonderful Grandmother to him and a GREAT help once I returned to work. (Babies get sick; you can't call off or babies get sick and they can't go to the babysitter . . .).


There is a balance and you will need to find it.


I find it's just best to hash things out without getting mad if possible. I didn't let my Mom babysit every day because that would have just given her too much power. Plus, I found a local daycare run out of a home and my son really ended up loving it there and staying until he went to pre-school. BUT, if my Mom wanted to go and pick him up early sometimes ~ I said yes. IF he didn't want to go to daycare and wanted to go to Grandma's (and she was ok with it ) I said yes. As he got older, if Grandma called and wanted to take him to a movie ~ I said YES. Things that would have angered me pre-baby, didn't get me as mad. (As in I would come home to MY home and find all his toys picked up and arranged) Ha!


It all worked out. We fought like cats and dogs (he should have a coat on, etc) but we learned to laugh about it and I always had the final say. She loved and cherished him and he her until she died.


In the end, her help made me a better mother by lessening my workload.


Good luck!

Very nicely put
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Old Yesterday, 10:29 AM
Status: "Miss mom" (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
2,885 posts, read 1,150,817 times
Reputation: 9292
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Plus when sheís over, she baby hogs.
I was going to ask who was going to hog the baby when you go back to work but then I saw this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Unfortunately the grandparents will be daycare.
Unfortunately? Then I'm sure you will be thrilled at my news: There is something called daycare. The national average is around $1,100 per month. Don't forget the registration/enrollment fees!

You should never be so unfortunate as to have to subject yourself to "grandparents as daycare"; this is the USA. We have options.
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Old Yesterday, 10:51 AM
 
1,638 posts, read 1,095,908 times
Reputation: 5811
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
She asks DH if she can come over and he asks me. She would be over here everyday if she could. She’s recently retired and has endless amount of time to waste.


Unfortunately the grandparents will be daycare. Luckily I can work from home and my job isn’t too demanding so I won’t need help everyday. But MIL will be over more when I go back to work. There’s plenty of time for her to spend with him.
The OP clearly does not want the grandparents providing childcare. This will make for a sad situation for all involved going forward. There’s more here than just limiting the time being spent with the grandchild and setting boundaries.

“Endless time to waste” sounds like jealousy/disrespect and “Unfortunately the grandparents will be daycare” reveals the OP’s feelings on the subject.

Is the grandparent’s childcare being provided for the parent’s financial benefit or the grandchild’s well-being? The answer will make a difference on how and if the problems can be resolved.

Last edited by jean_ji; Yesterday at 11:04 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 11:03 AM
 
341 posts, read 908,887 times
Reputation: 585
Quote:
Originally Posted by abcdefg567 View Post
You need boundaries ASAP. Anything more than once a week is intrusive unless you invite her.

Also, get DH on board now.

I hate to say this, but grandparents as daycare with what you're describing is a recipe for disaster.

As much as I'm against baby websites, you need to find yourself on the BabyCenter DWIL board before it's too late.
As long as she understands that "boundaries" can work both ways and it might come back to bite her when she comes running to her MIL looking for a babysitter. And I guarantee if given a choice, it's preferable to have a loving, stable grandparent watching over a baby than a daycare center - there's simply no comparison. And I hope she will be well compensated and given the appreciation she deserves because when it's done right it can be an exhausting job - sounds to me like the OP is being given a gift and doesn't know it.
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Old Yesterday, 11:05 AM
 
7,567 posts, read 7,319,888 times
Reputation: 10463
We have a 2 month old. If my MIL came over 2-3 times a week I'd be thrilled!
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