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Old 01-16-2018, 10:08 AM
Status: "Autumn!" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,765 posts, read 98,415,852 times
Reputation: 31166

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
SO it's apparent that many posters reply to these questions in ways that would apply to their OWN lives but may not be so helpful to the OP.

Becoming a grandma doesn't automatically cleanse you of all the interpersonal problems you had BEFORE your child had a child.

The OP's MIL may be fine, just blinded by new baby love, or she may be overbearing and thoughtless, or ... she may be somewhere in the middle! Whatever the OP's reality is, she has to learn how to navigate these kinds of situations with her relatives because they will occur with increasing frequency as the baby gets older and if they have more kids.
Jeez, these CD parenting posters!

My closest relatives lived 550 miles away when my kids were little. Some of us are telling the OP "you don't know how lucky you are!" Sure, set some boundaries, but welcome this woman into your lives.

Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi View Post
I was going to ask who was going to hog the baby when you go back to work but then I saw this:



Unfortunately? Then I'm sure you will be thrilled at my news: There is something called daycare. The national average is around $1,100 per month. Don't forget the registration/enrollment fees!

You should never be so unfortunate as to have to subject yourself to "grandparents as daycare"; this is the USA. We have options.
We've disagreed on a lot of things, but we agree on this.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jean_ji View Post
The OP clearly does not want the grandparents providing childcare. This will make for a sad situation for all involved going forward. There’s more here than just limiting the time being spent with the grandchild and setting boundaries.

“Endless time to waste” sounds like jealousy/disrespect and “Unfortunately the grandparents will be daycare” reveals the OP’s feelings on the subject.

Is the grandparent’s childcare being provided for the parent’s financial benefit or the grandchild’s well-being? The answer will make a difference on how and if the problems can be resolved.
So, OP should enroll the baby in day care (and baby day care costs more than care for older kids) and tell GM they've made different arrangements.
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:14 AM
 
15,811 posts, read 18,302,031 times
Reputation: 25536
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Prior to having a baby, I saw my MIL only on special occasions or holidays. Since having my first child in November, she has been over 2-3 times a week and frankly I’m getting sick of it. My maternity leave is over in a few weeks and I don’t want to give up any more time with baby then I have to.

Plus when she’s over, she baby hogs. She will hold him for hours on end. I have to argue with her just so I can get him to nurse. Baby can’t nap because she won’t let him. She does everything she can to keep him up so she can play with him.

I don’t know if im overreacting but I feel like I’m seeing her too much. Once a week is where I would like to keep it at. DH doesnt think it’s a big deal. He doesn’t have a problem with handing baby over to his mom.

What do you guys think? Should I cut down the visits?? And if I should, how do I go about doing it? I’ve never been good at saying no
No, you are not overreacting, especially the way she is taking over when she is there. That is rude of her to say the least, and very disrespectful. IMO, you have been too nice, and she is walking on you.

I would discuss this with your baby father and have him come out and tell her honestly that she needs to cut back on visits and demands. He, as her son has to take her in hand and show her that she will not be allowed to disrespect you, now or going forward.

I think whatever you and he agree upon is what should be scheduled. I also think she should come when he is off work, so that you and he can get away for a few hours for lunch or dinner...and that should be the extent of her time with the baby that visit.

He needs to be the one to intervene, because he is her adult child, your husband and the father of your baby. Therefore he should be the one to lay down the rules regarding her infringing on you and your mothering. She is disrespecting you on many levels.

Last edited by JanND; 01-16-2018 at 11:41 AM.. Reason: edit text
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:41 AM
 
839 posts, read 434,482 times
Reputation: 3200
OP, so you are uncomfortable with your MIl visiting and hogging the baby yet you are going to rely on her for daycare? Sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. Daycare is extraordinarily expensive so her doing it for free (I assume) is a huge gift that does have strings attached. You and your husband chose to have the baby. You can choose to pay for daycare (and limit your MIL's visits) or you can choose to have free daycare but deal with her. You can give her your preferences for feeding/nap time but again since she is doing it for free you really have no say.
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:59 AM
 
1,333 posts, read 691,157 times
Reputation: 3237
OP, congrats on your baby!

I'm going to suggest that you try to use this time with your MIL as training for becoming the day care provider for your baby. You will be able to go back to work knowing your baby is not only safe and cared for but loved. That should give you peace of mind. Imagine you had to trust people you don't even know to care for your baby, along with how many children, at the same time?

I would also get MIL bottle feeding baby right away since it may be a struggle in the beginning.

Good luck and let us know how its working out.
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Old 01-16-2018, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Northern California
436 posts, read 167,043 times
Reputation: 551
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22 View Post
OP, so you are uncomfortable with your MIl visiting and hogging the baby yet you are going to rely on her for daycare? Sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. Daycare is extraordinarily expensive so her doing it for free (I assume) is a huge gift that does have strings attached. You and your husband chose to have the baby. You can choose to pay for daycare (and limit your MIL's visits) or you can choose to have free daycare but deal with her. You can give her your preferences for feeding/nap time but again since she is doing it for free you really have no say.
I am not sure the OP is grown up enough yet to understand this.

But again, the schedule does need to be adhered to. A few training days of how you want baby to be taken care of, very gently of course with a ton of praise given for the way she already handles her grandhild and loves them dearly. Beyond that, you have a gem having grandmother come over.
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Old 01-16-2018, 12:17 PM
 
15,131 posts, read 15,942,329 times
Reputation: 24929
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzy_q2010 View Post
Two or three times per week?

Take advantage of her!

Pump some milk, show her how to prepare it for him, then go sleep for a couple of hours or get out of the house.
^^^^ Exactly.
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Old 01-16-2018, 01:11 PM
 
4,108 posts, read 1,396,983 times
Reputation: 9521
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Prior to having a baby, I saw my MIL only on special occasions or holidays. Since having my first child in November, she has been over 2-3 times a week and frankly Iím getting sick of it. My maternity leave is over in a few weeks and I donít want to give up any more time with baby then I have to.

Plus when sheís over, she baby hogs. She will hold him for hours on end. I have to argue with her just so I can get him to nurse. Baby canít nap because she wonít let him. She does everything she can to keep him up so she can play with him.

I donít know if im overreacting but I feel like Iím seeing her too much. Once a week is where I would like to keep it at. DH doesnt think itís a big deal. He doesnít have a problem with handing baby over to his mom.

What do you guys think? Should I cut down the visits?? And if I should, how do I go about doing it? Iíve never been good at saying no

I totally get how you feel...but consider this...your hormones are way out of wack right now, and you're missing sleep. TRY to think non- emotionally, how to fix this. (Cause I do feel like 2 to 3 times a week is too much, and messing up your routine.)


How about, you ask your MIL if you can drop the baby off at HER house, so you can catch up on some shopping, or having lunch with a friend, or so you can take a nice long nap...whatever excuse. The point is...she'll have the baby ALL TO HERSELF for most of the day.


Maybe that will take care of her baby fix, and she'll be able to settle in to the once a week thing.
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Old 01-16-2018, 02:28 PM
 
8,477 posts, read 5,209,678 times
Reputation: 9024
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Prior to having a baby, I saw my MIL only on special occasions or holidays. Since having my first child in November, she has been over 2-3 times a week and frankly Iím getting sick of it. My maternity leave is over in a few weeks and I donít want to give up any more time with baby then I have to.

Plus when sheís over, she baby hogs. She will hold him for hours on end. I have to argue with her just so I can get him to nurse. Baby canít nap because she wonít let him. She does everything she can to keep him up so she can play with him.

I donít know if im overreacting but I feel like Iím seeing her too much. Once a week is where I would like to keep it at. DH doesnt think itís a big deal. He doesnít have a problem with handing baby over to his mom.

What do you guys think? Should I cut down the visits?? And if I should, how do I go about doing it? Iíve never been good at saying no
This is where you're just going to have to be more assertive in setting your boundaries. If it's time for him to nurse and she won't give him up, you're going to have to just take him. If she's keeping him up to play when it's time for him to sleep, you're going to have to take him and put him to sleep. No arguing, just be assertive and make your boundaries clear.

If once a week is what you are comfortable with then invite her over once a week at a time that works for you and also give her an end time. "Hey, we wanted to invite you over. Does Wednesday from noon to 2pm work for you?"
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Old 01-16-2018, 02:56 PM
Status: "Autumn!" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,765 posts, read 98,415,852 times
Reputation: 31166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
I totally get how you feel...but consider this...your hormones are way out of wack right now, and you're missing sleep. TRY to think non- emotionally, how to fix this. (Cause I do feel like 2 to 3 times a week is too much, and messing up your routine.)


How about, you ask your MIL if you can drop the baby off at HER house, so you can catch up on some shopping, or having lunch with a friend, or so you can take a nice long nap...whatever excuse. The point is...she'll have the baby ALL TO HERSELF for most of the day.


Maybe that will take care of her baby fix, and she'll be able to settle in to the once a week thing.
In a few short weeks the MIL is going to be babysitting full time for the OP.
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Old 01-16-2018, 03:18 PM
 
Location: Northern California
436 posts, read 167,043 times
Reputation: 551
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
In a few short weeks the MIL is going to be babysitting full time for the OP.
Yes so MIL will get her fix and more. It's new now.

She does need to understand the baby needs to eat when she is hungry and needs a nap. That part would bother me but mil behavior of keeping baby up now is likely due to the newness of it all.

Babysitting newborns is not an easy task, even for MIL. It's likely when mom shows up to pick up her baby, MIL will be pretty exhausted herself
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