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Old 01-17-2018, 05:40 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,492,743 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Well, considering that she will be providing you with daycare you should start appreciating her presence.

And, as you say you are given the opportunity to say yes or no when she asks about coming over....I'm not sure what you are complaining about regarding how often she visits now.
If the baby is used to grandma when you go back to work, its going to be so much better for the transition.
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Charlotte Area
3,165 posts, read 2,896,647 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Well, considering that she will be providing you with daycare you should start appreciating her presence.

And, as you say you are given the opportunity to say yes or no when she asks about coming over....I'm not sure what you are complaining about regarding how often she visits now.
She's a sleep deprived mother of a baby. Enough said.

OP - You need to make sure that she respects nap time. So let her come over when baby has just woken up from nap. It's ok to say no now isn't a good time but then give her a time that is good. Set boundaries now and make sure that you have open communication with her.
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:27 AM
 
3,325 posts, read 3,260,957 times
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OP, if you're considering daycare instead of grandparent care, just know that the baby will be sick all the time for the first two years, worst between October and late April. Please, for the baby's sake, try to re-frame your mindset. It's a GOOD thing that grandma is thrilled with the baby. No one will be able to provide the kind of loving, one on one care that a grandmother provides, when you return to work. This is by far the best situation for your baby. Be grateful for it. You have no idea what a nightmare it is to have a young infant in daycare.
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:51 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,961 posts, read 98,795,031 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
If the baby is used to grandma when you go back to work, its going to be so much better for the transition.
Too true!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riley09swb View Post
She's a sleep deprived mother of a baby. Enough said.

OP - You need to make sure that she respects nap time. So let her come over when baby has just woken up from nap. It's ok to say no now isn't a good time but then give her a time that is good. Set boundaries now and make sure that you have open communication with her.
Yes, I respect that with the OP. And she's a bit jealous, too, that GM "hogs" the baby, all understandable post partum stuff. In a little while, OP will be glad that someone else wants to hold the baby.

WRT naps, with my own kids, there was no schedule in the early days. IIRC, and it's been 30 years now since the youngest so my memory is a bit hazy, it was months until I could have said "That's nap time. Could you visit at some other time instead?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
OP, if you're considering daycare instead of grandparent care, just know that the baby will be sick all the time for the first two years, worst between October and late April. Please, for the baby's sake, try to re-frame your mindset. It's a GOOD thing that grandma is thrilled with the baby. No one will be able to provide the kind of loving, one on one care that a grandmother provides, when you return to work. This is by far the best situation for your baby. Be grateful for it. You have no idea what a nightmare it is to have a young infant in daycare.
Too true!
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,034 posts, read 37,675,762 times
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And here we go with the scare tactics.

OP, work out the boundary issues with your DH and his mom. It's part of being married.

As for the fearmongering here about your baby getting sick the minute he ***gasp*** crosses the day care threshold, just know that any time your baby is around other people, germs are there. It's called "cold and flu season." It's part of going to school. It's even part of going to work as an adult!

Unless you plan to sit in the house alone and look at your baby for the next 18 years, you just take precautions and move forward.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:12 AM
 
3,325 posts, read 3,260,957 times
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Of course, any person who has not ever been in contact with other people will get sick when they finally are. Children who are raised in the Australian outback on isolated sheep ranches, and homeschooled, get very, very sick for their first two years once they are put into boarding school. Kids who don't go to daycare or nursery school are out sick a lot during kindergarten and first grade. Kids who don't attend daycare, but start nursery school at 3 years old, are out sick a lot during their two years of nursery school.

BUT... the big difference is that they are NOT young infants. They can talk. They can say, "My throat hurt. My head hurts. It's hard for me to breathe." or whatever else is bothering them. Young infants can only tell you how sick they are by not eating, having a lot of trouble breathing, becoming lethargic from dehydration from diarrhea and vomiting, constant drying, etc. And a baby who enters daycare is going to be very sick, for the first two years. I'd much rather have that start when the child is a little older than 6 weeks old! The only precautions one can take are keeping sick people and youngsters away from your child, and not taking the infant out to crowded places during flu season.

So yes, everyone needs to encounter these viruses at some point. It's just a whole lot easier to do it with a being that can talk, or at least weighs more than ten pounds! Believe me, if you'd lived through it, you'd know. Ask any parent who put their child in daycare in the first few months of life, and they'll tell you just how much fun it was for everyone involved.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:13 AM
 
583 posts, read 251,547 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shamrock4 View Post
I agree that having a loving grandmother nearby can be a real gift.

What is an issue is refusing to "give up" the baby for nursing and napping. That is putting her needs and wants over the baby's, not to mention the mother's. That is not a good trait in a caregiver OR a grandmother at this point. She should be doing everything possible to help out the new mother and follow her lead, not fight it.

From the tone of the OP, she doesn't seem to have a close relationship with her MIL and something tells me having Grandma providing daycare may not end well if there is a clash of wills. Nothing is ever "free". Good luck and I hope things will settle down.
I agree. I understand grandparents can get overly excited when it comes to a new addition, but refusing to give the baby back so he can feed? Um, yeah, that's weird. I also agree you can tell now it's going to be one of those dynamics where Grandma undermines Mom when it comes to rules and parenting. I'd either hire a nanny or put the child in daycare.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,034 posts, read 37,675,762 times
Reputation: 73641
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Believe me, if you'd lived through it, you'd know.
Why do you assume I haven't lived through anything you're describing???

(Well, not the sheep ranch ...)

Seriously, I had twins. You can't scare me. I've already BTDT.

Millions of kids go to day care and do just fine.

It sounds like the grandma is going to be her sitter anyway, no matter what. So all your day care horror stories are for naught. But the OP has to deal with the conflict SHE'S feeling so she doesn't sacrifice her own mental and emotional health with an unsupportive spouse.

You wanna talk about scary? I've been through that too, and it sucks. Give me a virus any day of the week.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Charlotte Area
3,165 posts, read 2,896,647 times
Reputation: 3519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
Too true!



Yes, I respect that with the OP. And she's a bit jealous, too, that GM "hogs" the baby, all understandable post partum stuff. In a little while, OP will be glad that someone else wants to hold the baby.

WRT naps, with my own kids, there was no schedule in the early days. IIRC, and it's been 30 years now since the youngest so my memory is a bit hazy, it was months until I could have said "That's nap time. Could you visit at some other time instead?"



Too true!
It's been 9 years for me so not so hazy. Let's put it this way...if baby is sleeping it's nap time. It's not hard. Keeping baby up so grandma can "play" is selfish of grandma and not good for mom. Tired baby = cranky baby. Who wants a cranky baby?!

I do agree that she will be glad at some point to have someone else hold the baby. She isn't to that point yet and grandma needs to respect that, BUT op needs to let grandma know. Communication is key.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,961 posts, read 98,795,031 times
Reputation: 31371
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Of course, any person who has not ever been in contact with other people will get sick when they finally are. Children who are raised in the Australian outback on isolated sheep ranches, and homeschooled, get very, very sick for their first two years once they are put into boarding school. Kids who don't go to daycare or nursery school are out sick a lot during kindergarten and first grade. Kids who don't attend daycare, but start nursery school at 3 years old, are out sick a lot during their two years of nursery school.

BUT... the big difference is that they are NOT young infants. They can talk. They can say, "My throat hurt. My head hurts. It's hard for me to breathe." or whatever else is bothering them. Young infants can only tell you how sick they are by not eating, having a lot of trouble breathing, becoming lethargic from dehydration from diarrhea and vomiting, constant drying, etc. And a baby who enters daycare is going to be very sick, for the first two years. I'd much rather have that start when the child is a little older than 6 weeks old! The only precautions one can take are keeping sick people and youngsters away from your child, and not taking the infant out to crowded places during flu season.

So yes, everyone needs to encounter these viruses at some point. It's just a whole lot easier to do it with a being that can talk, or at least weighs more than ten pounds! Believe me, if you'd lived through it, you'd know. Ask any parent who put their child in daycare in the first few months of life, and they'll tell you just how much fun it was for everyone involved.
This conversation spurred me to look for some evidence-based information. Here's what I found:
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jam...article/190509
"Children in child care experience more bouts of illness in the first 2 years of life, but differences are negligible by age 3 years."

This is a very long article and I suggest everyone read it. Yes, per the article it's true that kids under two have more illness if in day care. Hours per week of day care attendance doesn't seem to matter, after in the first year of life; number of kids in the day care does increase illness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SparklesNShine View Post
I agree. I understand grandparents can get overly excited when it comes to a new addition, but refusing to give the baby back so he can feed? Um, yeah, that's weird. I also agree you can tell now it's going to be one of those dynamics where Grandma undermines Mom when it comes to rules and parenting. I'd either hire a nanny or put the child in daycare.
Well, we have only the OP's side of that, and that's not exactly what she said. She has only posted twice, post #1 and post #7. As I said, my kids did not have much of a schedule in those first few weeks, even months. (Baby was born some time in November.) Is he gaining weight and growing?

I don't mean to imply I don't think OP should set some boundaries.

Last edited by Katarina Witt; 01-17-2018 at 09:59 AM.. Reason: clarify
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