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Old 01-17-2018, 09:53 AM
 
Location: The analog world
15,502 posts, read 8,696,561 times
Reputation: 20786

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
I don't mean to imply I don't think OP should set some boundaries.
This is really important and also very challenging. Exhaustion and frayed nerves can easily lead to misunderstandings. I feel for the OP because I remember very well being overwhelmed in those first few months. I wanted help, but I also needed space to adjust to my new role as a mother. MIL probably doesn't understand that she's stepping on her DIL's toes.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:06 AM
 
Location: New Yawk
8,643 posts, read 4,762,054 times
Reputation: 14004
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
OP, if you're considering daycare instead of grandparent care, just know that the baby will be sick all the time for the first two years, worst between October and late April. Please, for the baby's sake, try to re-frame your mindset. It's a GOOD thing that grandma is thrilled with the baby. No one will be able to provide the kind of loving, one on one care that a grandmother provides, when you return to work. This is by far the best situation for your baby. Be grateful for it. You have no idea what a nightmare it is to have a young infant in daycare.
+1. And you still have to pay even if your baby is home sick. Not fun having to find back-up care for a sick baby, or miss work, while still shelling out +/- $100 per day for daycare. BTDT.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Charlotte Area
3,161 posts, read 2,882,868 times
Reputation: 3516
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
OP, if you're considering daycare instead of grandparent care, just know that the baby will be sick all the time for the first two years, worst between October and late April. Please, for the baby's sake, try to re-frame your mindset. It's a GOOD thing that grandma is thrilled with the baby. No one will be able to provide the kind of loving, one on one care that a grandmother provides, when you return to work. This is by far the best situation for your baby. Be grateful for it. You have no idea what a nightmare it is to have a young infant in daycare.
The flip side of this is then they are always sick when they start elementary school. Both of my kids were in daycare when they were babies. They received loving care.

It's not fair to guilt her one way or the other. It's the parents decision and she doesn't need some stranger on the internet making her feel bad.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:25 AM
Status: "Autumn!" (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,880 posts, read 98,615,818 times
Reputation: 31320
Quote:
Originally Posted by Riley09swb View Post
The flip side of this is then they are always sick when they start elementary school. Both of my kids were in daycare when they were babies. They received loving care.

It's not fair to guilt her one way or the other. It's the parents decision and she doesn't need some stranger on the internet making her feel bad.
This is not "guilting". The link I posted is factual. The differences disappear at about age 3. These little immune systems just can't handle all that exposure as well as an older child, e.g. a 3 year old (!).

Nor is this about "loving" vs non-loving care. If, and I repeat if, Grandma is willing and able, why not have her do the day care?

Mom asked strangers on the internet to help her.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:38 AM
 
6 posts, read 3,760 times
Reputation: 29
Having MIL as daycare in not my idea but my husbands. Believe me, I fought to have baby put in daycare. I would have gladly shelled out everything in my savings for that to happen. But it’s not all up to me. MIL is very overbearing and demanding. She won’t take no for an answer. I had a csection with baby and everyday that I was in the hospital, MIL was there. It didn’t matter how many times I said no. She just kept showing up. And it’s easy to say, well just don’t let her in. But in reality, it’s hard to deal with her.

I’m not saying I’m not grateful to have help. I am. But like I said, my leave is over in a few weeks and I’m never going to have full days where all I do is cuddle baby. I’m going back to work soon and MIL will have plenty of time to take care of him. All I’m asking is for MIL to step back a little while I’m on leave. I never said she couldn’t see him anymore, I just wanted to limit the time as long as I’m on leave. Is that so wrong?
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:41 AM
 
6 posts, read 3,760 times
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Btw, thanks for all the responses. It helps to get other people’s perspectives on this.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:46 AM
Status: "Autumn!" (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,880 posts, read 98,615,818 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Having MIL as daycare in not my idea but my husbands. Believe me, I fought to have baby put in daycare. I would have gladly shelled out everything in my savings for that to happen. But itís not all up to me. MIL is very overbearing and demanding. She wonít take no for an answer. I had a csection with baby and everyday that I was in the hospital, MIL was there. It didnít matter how many times I said no. She just kept showing up. And itís easy to say, well just donít let her in. But in reality, itís hard to deal with her.

Iím not saying Iím not grateful to have help. I am. But like I said, my leave is over in a few weeks and Iím never going to have full days where all I do is cuddle baby. Iím going back to work soon and MIL will have plenty of time to take care of him. All Iím asking is for MIL to step back a little while Iím on leave. I never said she couldnít see him anymore, I just wanted to limit the time as long as Iím on leave. Is that so wrong?
I have to say, that's kind of foolish. Some day, such as when Baby goes to college, maybe before when he develops an interest in some expensive sport/hobby (hockey comes to mind, for ex) you will be glad you have the money.

No, you're not wrong to want some time for your baby. You just have to figure out how to say it. I can't help you, never had that problem.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:48 AM
 
Location: The analog world
15,502 posts, read 8,696,561 times
Reputation: 20786
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Having MIL as daycare in not my idea but my husbands. Believe me, I fought to have baby put in daycare. I would have gladly shelled out everything in my savings for that to happen. But itís not all up to me. MIL is very overbearing and demanding. She wonít take no for an answer. I had a csection with baby and everyday that I was in the hospital, MIL was there. It didnít matter how many times I said no. She just kept showing up. And itís easy to say, well just donít let her in. But in reality, itís hard to deal with her.

Iím not saying Iím not grateful to have help. I am. But like I said, my leave is over in a few weeks and Iím never going to have full days where all I do is cuddle baby. Iím going back to work soon and MIL will have plenty of time to take care of him. All Iím asking is for MIL to step back a little while Iím on leave. I never said she couldnít see him anymore, I just wanted to limit the time as long as Iím on leave. Is that so wrong?
No, it's not, and I hope that you can find a way to get some space. Please try my previous suggestion and enlist your husband to help set some boundaries. This time with your baby is important, and I hope you can find a way to make it happen. But do try to be kind to your MIL. This is a tender time, and misunderstandings can take on a life of their own that will have consequences down the road, as I'm sure you know, so focus on using "I" statements as you navigate this issue with your MIL, as in, "I need some downtime alone with the baby," as opposed to "You're being invasive and overbearing." Do express gratitude for her help when it's appropriate to help smooth over any potential hard feelings, and don't be afraid to ask for her to perform specific tasks, like folding a load of the baby's laundry or running to the grocery for you.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:49 AM
 
6 posts, read 3,760 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyclist1968 View Post
Maybe it's due to hormones but your post really sounds awful. You are so lucky to have her, she is even going to babysit for you! Count your blessings, be kind, let her care for and feed the baby. Go relax. Take time out to be with your husband. Enjoy your MIL and your BABY. You decide when Baby sleeps period. So don't feel guilty, just take the baby and tell mom you'll see her later after baby wakes up.

You have your cake and can eat it too but for some reason, something is ticking you off. Maybe you aren't getting enough rest. Hormones might be out of whack. I had a heck of a time as a new mother.

If your husband is fine with her, let it be. Be greatfull and say thank you to her. She's only there 3x a week which leaves more than 50% of the time without her. Your post sounds as if it is written by someone who lives with their MIL. Congrats on your new baby too

Very true about something ticking me off. I had a rough delivery and recovery. Right after baby was born, i was sick for several weeks and just recently got better. During that time, I was too weak to take care of baby. I didnít even have the energy to hold him. MIL was the primary caretaker. She took baby to her house for overnights days on end. I wasnít in a position to protes because it was a lot on my husband to have to take care of baby and me, plus work. So I will admit, thereís a little resentment on my part that even though she spend all the time with baby in the beginning, she still wants to spend all that time with him now.

And someone else mentioned I was jealous. Yes, I admit that too. I am jealous of the time she got with him. Iím upset with the time I lost. And Iím resentment of the time I have to give up to her now.

Iím sure if I wasnít sick and if I was able to take care of baby from the very beginning, I would feel differently. But this is where I am today. I donít want to have to share baby more then I have to.
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Old 01-17-2018, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Charlotte Area
3,161 posts, read 2,882,868 times
Reputation: 3516
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
This is not "guilting". The link I posted is factual. The differences disappear at about age 3. These little immune systems just can't handle all that exposure as well as an older child, e.g. a 3 year old (!).

Nor is this about "loving" vs non-loving care. If, and I repeat if, Grandma is willing and able, why not have her do the day care?

Mom asked strangers on the internet to help her.

You're right it's not about loving vs non-loving though the poster I quoted made it about the "loving grandma" watching your child VS the big bad daycare.

I didn't quote you so don't have any idea what link you're talking about. I don't need a link to tell me anything. I had real life experience. Someone else probably has real life experience the other way. Doesn't make either one of us wrong just different choices.

She did ask strangers but there's a way to do it without all the "this way is the best because" answer.

In the end, do what's best for your family.
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