U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-17-2018, 11:52 AM
 
6 posts, read 3,709 times
Reputation: 29

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by randomparent View Post
No, it's not, and I hope that you can find a way to get some space. Please try my previous suggestion and enlist your husband to help set some boundaries. This time with your baby is important, and I hope you can find a way to make it happen. But do try to be kind to your MIL. This is a tender time, and misunderstandings can take on a life of their own that will have consequences down the road, as I'm sure you know, so focus on using "I" statements as you navigate this issue with your MIL, as in, "I need some downtime alone with the baby," as opposed to "You're being invasive and overbearing." Do express gratitude for her help when it's appropriate to help smooth over any potential hard feelings, and don't be afraid to ask for her to perform specific tasks, like folding a load of the baby's laundry or running to the grocery for you.
Yes thank you. I am working on setting boundaries and learning how to be assertive without offending and cutting ties. I actually found a therapist recently to help me work through my PP issues.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-17-2018, 12:02 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,142 posts, read 36,945,048 times
Reputation: 72112
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Yes thank you. I am working on setting boundaries and learning how to be assertive without offending and cutting ties. I actually found a therapist recently to help me work through my PP issues.
Great!! The next step is getting your husband to attend some sessions with you so you both can understand how the family dynamic has to change. He's been raised by this woman, and it will take some effort for him to see the circumstances for what they truly are. This is important for your marriage, as well.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry you've been subjected to the self-righteous few here who can't see beyond their own situations.

Many people know what MILs who aren't saints can be like. It can make you absolutely crazy.

Please continue the therapy, and begin to assert yourself with your husband AND your MIL. There are kind ways to do it, and your baby will thank you later for focusing on being an emotionally healthy mom.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-17-2018, 12:15 PM
 
4,007 posts, read 3,350,105 times
Reputation: 7922
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Very true about something ticking me off. I had a rough delivery and recovery. Right after baby was born, i was sick for several weeks and just recently got better. During that time, I was too weak to take care of baby. I didnít even have the energy to hold him. MIL was the primary caretaker. She took baby to her house for overnights days on end. I wasnít in a position to protes because it was a lot on my husband to have to take care of baby and me, plus work. So I will admit, thereís a little resentment on my part that even though she spend all the time with baby in the beginning, she still wants to spend all that time with him now.

And someone else mentioned I was jealous. Yes, I admit that too. I am jealous of the time she got with him. Iím upset with the time I lost. And Iím resentment of the time I have to give up to her now.

Iím sure if I wasnít sick and if I was able to take care of baby from the very beginning, I would feel differently. But this is where I am today. I donít want to have to share baby more then I have to.
You have been through a lot with additional health issues. Also postpartum hormone ups & downs can make you feel out of whack emotionally.

It will be helpful to you to find ways to better communicate with your MIL. She could be a very strong ally, if you can come to an easy alliance.

Tell her you only have x number of days left to hold your baby all day long & you want to do just that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-17-2018, 12:20 PM
 
Location: The analog world
15,136 posts, read 8,512,657 times
Reputation: 20357
Quote:
Originally Posted by historyfan View Post
You have been through a lot with additional health issues. Also postpartum hormone ups & downs can make you feel out of whack emotionally.

It will be helpful to you to find ways to better communicate with your MIL. She could be a very strong ally, if you can come to an easy alliance.

Tell her you only have x number of days left to hold your baby all day long & you want to do just that.
And then ask if she would be willing to help you accomplish that by preparing a meal, doing a load of the baby's laundry, or picking up a few things from the store for you. She'll feel useful, and you'll get a little space.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-17-2018, 12:22 PM
 
Location: New Yawk
8,585 posts, read 4,697,115 times
Reputation: 13950
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Having MIL as daycare in not my idea but my husbands. Believe me, I fought to have baby put in daycare. I would have gladly shelled out everything in my savings for that to happen. But itís not all up to me. MIL is very overbearing and demanding. She wonít take no for an answer. I had a csection with baby and everyday that I was in the hospital, MIL was there. It didnít matter how many times I said no. She just kept showing up. And itís easy to say, well just donít let her in. But in reality, itís hard to deal with her.

Iím not saying Iím not grateful to have help. I am. But like I said, my leave is over in a few weeks and Iím never going to have full days where all I do is cuddle baby. Iím going back to work soon and MIL will have plenty of time to take care of him. All Iím asking is for MIL to step back a little while Iím on leave. I never said she couldnít see him anymore, I just wanted to limit the time as long as Iím on leave. Is that so wrong?
Youíre not wrong, but you do have to assert yourself and tell her the bolded.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-17-2018, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,629 posts, read 98,090,022 times
Reputation: 31049
Quote:
Originally Posted by Riley09swb View Post
You're right it's not about loving vs non-loving though the poster I quoted made it about the "loving grandma" watching your child VS the big bad daycare.

I didn't quote you so don't have any idea what link you're talking about. I don't need a link to tell me anything. I had real life experience. Someone else probably has real life experience the other way. Doesn't make either one of us wrong just different choices.

She did ask strangers but there's a way to do it without all the "this way is the best because" answer.

In the end, do what's best for your family.
I would have thought you were reading all the posts, or most of them anyway, not just the ones addressed to you. This is an open forum.

The bold tells me a lot. Here's the link. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jam...article/190509 This is science, not "my experience vs your experience".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-17-2018, 04:56 PM
 
9,026 posts, read 5,669,332 times
Reputation: 7381
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Right after baby was born, i was sick for several weeks and just recently got better. During that time, I was too weak to take care of baby. I didnít even have the energy to hold him. MIL was the primary caretaker. She took baby to her house for overnights days on end. I wasnít in a position to protes because it was a lot on my husband to have to take care of baby and me, plus work.
Well then, tell your husband that you are going to hold and hog the baby 24/7 until you return to work. Tell him (even though he knows) you were denied the normal pleasure of initially bonding with your baby and that you intend to make up for it. Tell him that you do not want any company including his mother. Then, you pick up the phone and call your mother in law and tell her. He can call, but I'd stand there and listen to make sure he spells it out. Like you said, she will see him plenty in a few weeks and hopefully you guys can get off to a better start. People get sick, it's really no one's fault, we all just do the best we can.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-17-2018, 05:06 PM
 
Location: here
24,403 posts, read 28,466,710 times
Reputation: 30774
Re kids getting sick at day care, they do. They get sick like crazy. No you will never be able to keep them in a bubble, or keep them away from all germs, but child care centers are full of the kids of working parents, who tend to take them in when they are sick, even though they shouldn't. Lots of kids in close quarters means lots of germs.

No matter when the baby starts child care or school, s/he will go through a period of frequent illness. It is easier to deal with a sick 1 or 2 year old than a sick infant. Just something to consider. I personally wouldn't want to depend on my MIL for child care, but to put off the inevitable germ factory, it might be worth it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-17-2018, 06:29 PM
 
11,877 posts, read 9,476,531 times
Reputation: 16123
Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeplessInPhilly9 View Post
Having MIL as daycare in not my idea but my husbands. Believe me, I fought to have baby put in daycare. I would have gladly shelled out everything in my savings for that to happen. But it’s not all up to me. MIL is very overbearing and demanding. She won’t take no for an answer. I had a csection with baby and everyday that I was in the hospital, MIL was there. It didn’t matter how many times I said no. She just kept showing up. And it’s easy to say, well just don’t let her in. But in reality, it’s hard to deal with her.

I’m not saying I’m not grateful to have help. I am. But like I said, my leave is over in a few weeks and I’m never going to have full days where all I do is cuddle baby. I’m going back to work soon and MIL will have plenty of time to take care of him. All I’m asking is for MIL to step back a little while I’m on leave. I never said she couldn’t see him anymore, I just wanted to limit the time as long as I’m on leave. Is that so wrong?
Wow. Okay. You're right that something like childcare is a joint decision, however just as it isn't yours alone to make, it also isn't your husband's. Sounds like he won and that your husband also won't take no for an answer like his mother. If you can afford daycare I would honestly suggest that given the issues you have with your MIL. She has boundary issues. I can see someone like her, from the way she sounds, getting over-involved, always pushing the limits. Staying too late, trying to parent your child even in front of you. Like people have said, you need to set firm boundaries and you need to do so ASAP. Even if it winds up that grandma will still be babysitting the baby each day, she needs to know that it's YOUR house and YOUR kid. Talk through this again with your husband, tell him your concerns and why you think, despite cost, daycare or otherwise other childcare would be better.

You said you can work from home and won't need help every day, what about some type of babysitter or nanny to care for the baby while you're home but working? Keep that more professional, formal type of relationship, so the person isn't family and is getting paid but will still do a good job with the baby.

FWIW, I think some people are being way too hard on you. They're projecting their experiences onto you. "You're lucky you even have parents around, mine were far away, so be glad she wants to be there" etc. It's irrelevant what other people have experienced in relation to you and your specific circumstance. Your MIL seems stifling. I'm sure she means well, absolutely, but I would be annoyed, too, given all you've said. Was there all the time in the hospital? No thanks. It sounds like she thinks the baby is hers and rather than being supportive of you and your husband and offering some help but also stepping back and recognizing boundaries, like a MIL or mother of the new mom should, she is trying to take over. Someone like her won't stop without you AND your husband being assertive with her.

Edit: Just read your later post about you being sick and unable to care for the baby after he was first born and that she took him overnight... so sorry. I feel bad for you that you had that experience, and it makes more sense now that you're frustrated (though I understood from the beginning anyway). I honestly think I would feel the same way given all you've been through. But it makes me think even more now that you definitely need to stand up to your MIL and tell her everything you've said here about wanting to spend time alone with your baby and why. Do not let her dictate your schedule. Other people have given great advice as to how to go about this. If your mother-in-law was going to take your baby overnight, I think it would have been better for everyone for her to come stay with you guys rather than take your baby away but it's too late for that now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-18-2018, 10:20 AM
 
891 posts, read 546,576 times
Reputation: 1403
Anyone that knows anything knows that it is a SUPREMELY BAD idea to get between a new mother and her newborn in any NEGATIVE way.

Any negative feelings she has at this time will be magnified and could lead to long term resentments and lots of issues bonding with her baby. I can tell there are lots of grandparents posting here. Hear this... grandparents have no right to anything the parents don’t give them. If she is uncomfortable with the amount of time the grandma spends holding the baby, grandma should put the baby down, and let the baby sleep, and do whatever mum says because SHE is the mother.

OP as others have said, set boundaries now especially if you plan on using her as childcare. This will go from letting the baby nap to not feeding the baby anything you do not feel is appropriate. If you cannot come to an understanding, shell the money for childcare. Maybe having to spend the money will bring your DH around to what needs to happen here.

Being lucky to have the help of grandparents does not mean that the grandparents should do whatever they want with your child. They are there to help not make it harder for you. Please talk to your husband about the situation and have him mediate that situation as soon as
possible.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top