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While I did write the words incorrectly, IMHO, "step up and help raise" and "step up and create a support system" are pretty similar. While I probably only know/knew a half dozen teenage mothers in every single case the grandparents took over HUGE, HUGE responsibilities for the baby and the teenage parents. In several cases, the baby and mother (and sometimes the dad) lived with her parents for many years, with the grandparents either paying all of the bills or fulltime babysitting so the mom could work. In two other cases both sets of grandparents financially supported the young married couple almost completely for several years, and in one case the grandmother quit her job to provide free babysitting to the couple. These family members, IMHO, went well, WELL beyond just normal "support" (giving the baby a present on their birthday, a few home cooked Sunday dinners, and babysitting for an occasional date night).
Five of the six couple got married as teenagers and only one couple stayed married more than two or three years. BTW, the moms and baby/toddler in all of those cases either continued living at home with the grandparents (as they had been) or moved back home after the divorce. And, yes, those grandparents were doing plenty of "raising" not just providing a little moral support.
Obviously, your viewpoint is different, but this is what I have seen in real life.
To me, a support system includes babysitting when the parents are at work or dropping off/picking up baby from daycare if the parents' schedules don't allow them to do so. Rides to get groceries or to doctor appointments. Teaching the young parents about taking care of babies or signing them up for a parenting class. A support system helps facilitate the work necessary on behalf of the parents to become independent and successful.
In my vernacular, raising a child is nowhere near the same as providing support to parents. My sisters and I are our each other's support system. We babysat for each other, we pick each other's kids up from school or drop them off at practices, etc. Knowing you have that kind of help really takes a lot of stress out of parenting. Families used to do this all the time. Now its frowned upon to even mention it IRT teen mothers who probably most need this type of support.
BTW, I am not an advocate of marriage due to pregnancy unless you were already planning on it before the pregnancy happened.
Is there really a difference between "getting rid of" and "not wanting to raise a child"? I think not. As part of a discussion, I sincerely hope parents and other family members would step up and support their loved one. Whether the loved one is 16 or 36. Family and community are so important for raising children.
OMG, do you have any idea how hard it is to make the decision to put a child up for adoption? You choose to keep your son, you seem to have done a good job so far with raising him and apparently his brother, this doesn't mean had you chosen adoption for your older boy it would mean not wanting to raise him. It would have been a selfless act putting your unborn child ahead of your desire. Abortion is used when a mother does not want to raise her child, adoption is when a mother, for whatever reason knows she is not in a position to raise a baby so she chooses to give that child a better life than she can. I have to wonder, how many adopted people do you know and how many moms do you know that choose adoption for their child?
I am guessing, honestly you know none of a very few.
But, I will say, I think we have all beat this post to death. So I am letting it die.
OMG, do you have any idea how hard it is to make the decision to put a child up for adoption? You choose to keep your son, you seem to have done a good job so far with raising him and apparently his brother, this doesn't mean had you chosen adoption for your older boy it would mean not wanting to raise him. It would have been a selfless act putting your unborn child ahead of your desire. Abortion is used when a mother does not want to raise her child, adoption is when a mother, for whatever reason knows she is not in a position to raise a baby so she chooses to give that child a better life than she can. I have to wonder, how many adopted people do you know and how many moms do you know that choose adoption for their child?
I am guessing, honestly you know none of a very few.
But, I will say, I think we have all beat this post to death. So I am letting it die.
Even if I say I know several people who are adopted or who adopted, would you believe me?
Yes, I do know how hard the decision is and because of that I don't think people should be pressuring a woman to do so.
Evidence of God is all around you. You have chosen not to see it. No problem, you're choice.
Nope I do not "choose" what I believe. Evidence controls what I believe. And you have offered none. We have a real situation here - a person who is trying to decide how to move forward following an unplanned pregnancy. There is enough reality to deal with - without clouding the discussion with fantasy.
The parents in this situation need to ensure the kids are informed of all their options - and the implications of each one - including abortion - so they they themselves can choose how to move forward. And I do not think that should be done by making things up when there is enough real stuff to consider in each option.
Even if I say I know several people who are adopted or who adopted, would you believe me?
Yes, I do know how hard the decision is and because of that I don't think people should be pressuring a woman to do so.
Why are you stuck on the word "pressuring?" Don't you think all options should be up for consideration? No pressure, no shame, no "farming out." Just the full range of options.
Why are you stuck on the word "pressuring?" Don't you think all options should be up for consideration? No pressure, no shame, no "farming out." Just the full range of options.
Clearly, we don't see this the same way. I've explained myself numerous times. You don't agree with me. I get it.
Yes I totally said "step up and help raise" someone else's kids. (heavy sarcasm)
What I did say, and what I think is important for every family, is to help create a support system for the pregnant mother and resultant child. It IS important to have a family, a community of people to depend on each other. That's NOT the same as raising the child. Please read what I write before responding.
What does "help create a support system" mean? Specifically. I don't see where you've "explained" what you mean several times. I only see vague generalities.
They're weasel words for "step up and help raise", IMO.
What does "help create a support system" mean? Specifically. I don't see where you've "explained" what you mean several times. I only see vague generalities.
They're weasel words for "step up and help raise", IMO.
LOL you even said "depend on".
NO- I say as one of the "grand"parents.
Now what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
To me, a support system includes babysitting when the parents are at work or dropping off/picking up baby from daycare if the parents' schedules don't allow them to do so. Rides to get groceries or to doctor appointments. Teaching the young parents about taking care of babies or signing them up for a parenting class. A support system helps facilitate the work necessary on behalf of the parents to become independent and successful.
In my vernacular, raising a child is nowhere near the same as providing support to parents. My sisters and I are our each other's support system. We babysat for each other, we pick each other's kids up from school or drop them off at practices, etc. Knowing you have that kind of help really takes a lot of stress out of parenting. Families used to do this all the time. Now its frowned upon to even mention it IRT teen mothers who probably most need this type of support.
BTW, I am not an advocate of marriage due to pregnancy unless you were already planning on it before the pregnancy happened.
I think the examples I gave are concrete and specific.
There is a difference between raising children and depending on others for help in life. I certainly don't think taking my nephew to soccer practice or my niece to a dental appointment is raising them nor do I believe my sister watching my son for an hour after school while I meet with a client qualifies as raising him. What all of these things do is allow us parents to do other things that help our kids ... like earn money.
While I did write the words incorrectly, IMHO, "step up and help raise" and "step up and create a support system" are pretty similar. While I probably only know/knew a half dozen teenage mothers in every single case the grandparents took over HUGE, HUGE responsibilities for the baby and the teenage parents. In several cases, the baby and mother (and sometimes the dad) lived with her parents for many years, with the grandparents either paying all of the bills or fulltime babysitting so the mom could work. In two other cases both sets of grandparents financially supported the young married couple almost completely for several years, and in one case the grandmother quit her job to provide free babysitting to the couple. These family members, IMHO, went well, WELL beyond just normal "support" (giving the baby a present on their birthday, a few home cooked Sunday dinners, and babysitting for an occasional date night).
Five of the six couple got married as teenagers and only one couple stayed married more than two or three years. BTW, the moms and baby/toddler in all of those cases either continued living at home with the grandparents (as they had been) or moved back home after the divorce. And, yes, those grandparents were doing plenty of "raising" not just providing a little moral support.
Obviously, your viewpoint is different, but this is what I have seen in real life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
To me, a support system includes babysitting when the parents are at work or dropping off/picking up baby from daycare if the parents' schedules don't allow them to do so. Rides to get groceries or to doctor appointments. Teaching the young parents about taking care of babies or signing them up for a parenting class. A support system helps facilitate the work necessary on behalf of the parents to become independent and successful.
In my vernacular, raising a child is nowhere near the same as providing support to parents. My sisters and I are our each other's support system. We babysat for each other, we pick each other's kids up from school or drop them off at practices, etc. Knowing you have that kind of help really takes a lot of stress out of parenting. Families used to do this all the time. Now its frowned upon to even mention it IRT teen mothers who probably most need this type of support.
BTW, I am not an advocate of marriage due to pregnancy unless you were already planning on it before the pregnancy happened.
Obviously, our experiences are very different. In the teenage marriages/pregnancies that I personally knew grandparents, and other family members, provided FAR, FAR MORE than just rides to the grocery store or to practice or signing the young couple up for parenting classes. It was years and years of intense hands-on help and often overwhelming financial contributions by the grandparents that frequently jeopardized their own financial well-being and sometimes their own jobs and/or retirement plans.
I guess that we just have to accept that our personal experiences were very, very different.
I've read all the responses and I appreciate them. They've all been thought-provoking. This only came about 3 days ago so not much has been said between he and I. I'm trying to formulate what to say as I don't want to say things I'll regret, that's why I posted here. I do realize this is probably the most significant event of his life (now and in the future) and I do want to help him through it. I have no choice. He has no other family to speak of.
I do want to say that I feel I did everything right. He had access to condoms (a box was always available in our house) and I had plenty of talks with him. I let him visit her on the weekends and he was always home by 9 or 10 as I asked. He is after all 17. They were always at her parents' house. I do think the girl's parents will be happy to have her and the baby living with them. They are Catholic so there is really no other option as keep (or not) the baby. He's a very likeable guy and the parents like him a lot.
I had begun to think that his relationship with her was cooling, and I was getting ready to ask about it. He tends to tire of situations fairly quickly and they had been a thing for a year. He was excited about college (had been accepted at two), and was in the process of trying to get accepted into a specialized music school with a more involved application process. Someone upthread said something that I suspect may have some merit. I'm wondering if the girl did it to keep him close. I know by her Facebook posts that she is completely head-over-heels for him and thinks he is the best thing that ever happened to her. So, there's that.
My biggest concern is that he has never been very responsible and tends to extract himself from (or ignore) situations where some responsibility is needed.
Think about it, they've been together a year with no pregnancy so I assume they were practicing some sort of safe sex. You should ask your son who was taking care of the birth control, was it both of them? Could the condom been "faulty"? It won't do anything about this pregnancy but maybe it will help your son not do it again. My son wouldn't even let a girl know where he kept his condoms in case one wanted to get pregnant.
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