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Old 01-17-2018, 04:48 PM
 
Location: in my mind
4,591 posts, read 6,075,801 times
Reputation: 9127

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There is a series from the UK called "Underage and Pregnant" which has tons of episodes for free on YouTube. Once you're over the initial shock, it might be interesting to sit down with him and watch a few episodes together to help generate some conversations.

There is also the MTV series "16 and Pregnant" but I am not sure how many episodes you can find on-line. Also there is a recent series called "Unexpected" on TLC which followed three teenage couples through pregnancy until after the babies are born. If you have cable, you can probably watch that on their website

None of these are high-quality documentaries, of course, but they do reveal a lot of the issues these young parents and their families struggle with and I think they would be helpful for generating dialogue and thinking about future plans.

Here is one episode of Underage and Pregnant:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXIWOKYtw4s
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Old 01-17-2018, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Log "cabin" west of Bangor
5,483 posts, read 6,399,239 times
Reputation: 9347
Quote:
Originally Posted by nmnita View Post
...but I would have to say, a parent who leaves their daughter alone with her boyfriend for hours on end is not showing much responsibility,
This is nonsensical. Firstly, the girl is 18, she can do as she pleases. Secondly, two young people with raging hormones are going to find a way to be alone (or not)* long enough to do as nature is urging regardless of any level of 'responsibility' of the parents. Teens have been finding ways to spend hours alone for just about as long as there have been teens, short of locking her up behind bars mommy and daddy can't do jack about it.

The only sure-fire method for the boy to have avoided this situation was for him to have kept his zipper up. Since he didn't, the next chapter of this story will tell whether or not he is 'responsible' enough to do as he ought.

*(When I was much younger and dating an 18 year-old girl, while visiting while she was on vacation with her parents we did the deed in the motel room while said parents were asleep on the bed less than 10 feet away. Daddy was a big man, big enough that he could (and did) carry a .44mag under a suit-jacket without anyone noticing it, I think we both 'got off' on the thrill of the risk.)
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:00 PM
 
Location: Texas
6,184 posts, read 2,240,353 times
Reputation: 13124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irish Eyes View Post
I would encourage him to still go to school. All of the choices don't belong to the girl.
I agree. In high school, I knew a 15 year old boy who got a 17 year old girl pregnant. Her parents pressured him to marry her, when he was only 15. Ridiculous. He went to college and then on to professional school and has a great career now.
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:02 PM
 
410 posts, read 931,548 times
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Thanks everyone for the honesty and opinions. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this right now. I guess part of it is me. I mean, I know I can ultimately deal with this. Of course I'm frightened for how my son's future may turn out (and that of the child he chose to create) and I know this happens every day in every culture, but a lot of it feels like an insult to me and I'm having a hard time getting past that. I came from nothing, earned multiple degrees and have a respected professional job. Normally I don't really care what other people think, I just try to do what is right. I know people will talk now as they did when I adopted him from nothing--my extended family, some friends, some in the community. I busted my butt to give him and the other one I adopted a good life and opportunities they wouldn't have had in their previous situations. I worked hard to make sure he would not end up just another stereotypical taxpayer expense. I feel like he disregarded everything from the last 10 years, like it's a slap in the face. I know I need to find a way past all that.

Last edited by soonerguy; 01-17-2018 at 06:20 PM..
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Long Island
8,482 posts, read 11,315,989 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
There is. It's called condoms. They are highly effective when used correctly.
Thought of that. Except boys aren't always thinking of that. For an IUD, girls don't have to think about it at all. That's what I'm talking about.
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:23 PM
 
Location: in my mind
4,591 posts, read 6,075,801 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soonerguy View Post
Thanks everyone for the honesty and opinions. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this right now. I guess part of it is me. I mean, I know I can ultimately deal with this. Of course I'm frightened for how my son's future may turn out (and that of the child he chose to create) and I know this happens every day in every culture, but a lot of it feels like an insult to me and I'm having a hard time getting past that. I came from nothing, earned multiple degrees and have a respected professional job. Normally I don't really care what other people think, I just try to do what is right. I know people will talk as they did when I adopted him from nothing--my extended family, some friends, some in the community. I busted my butt to give him and the other one I adopted a good life and opportunities they wouldn't have had in their previous situations. I worked hard to make sure he would not end up just another stereotypical taxpayer expense. I feel like he disregarded everything from the last 10 years, like it's a slap in the face. I know I need to find a way past all that.
Its good you can be honest with yourself about your feelings. Its important to do that rather than just stuff them down or deny them. You have a whole new reality to adjust to and its going to take time to sort through that.

You are grieving for the future you imagined for your son, even if you hadn't realized the extent to which you had been imagining one for him. I applaud you for realizing that you should not dump all your emotions about this on your son, and instead, taking some time to start working through them on your own.

Have you considered meeting with a therapist for a few sessions? Maybe your company has an EAP program. This situation would be a good reason to use it.
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:30 PM
 
6,514 posts, read 2,515,202 times
Reputation: 17798
Quote:
Originally Posted by soonerguy View Post
Thanks everyone for the honesty and opinions. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this right now. I guess part of it is me. I mean, I know I can ultimately deal with this. Of course I'm frightened for how my son's future may turn out (and that of the child he chose to create) and I know this happens every day in every culture, but a lot of it feels like an insult to me and I'm having a hard time getting past that. I came from nothing, earned multiple degrees and have a respected professional job. Normally I don't really care what other people think, I just try to do what is right. I know people will talk now as they did when I adopted him from nothing--my extended family, some friends, some in the community. I busted my butt to give him and the other one I adopted a good life and opportunities they wouldn't have had in their previous situations. I worked hard to make sure he would not end up just another stereotypical taxpayer expense. I feel like he disregarded everything from the last 10 years, like it's a slap in the face. I know I need to find a way past all that.
You might be surprised by the support you get, soonerguy. Anyone who doesn't have empathy for your position in this difficulty is just cold.

Who knows where he'd be if you hadn't adopted him. Probably not in the good place he's in right now, hoping to go to college, a likable respectable guy who made a mistake with serious consequences. There are a lot worse things he could have done than fall in love with a girl and get her pregnant. There but for the grace of God go most of us.
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:36 PM
 
410 posts, read 931,548 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KittenSparkles View Post
Have you considered meeting with a therapist for a few sessions? Maybe your company has an EAP program. This situation would be a good reason to use it.
We do and I will. Thank you for reminding me of that.
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:02 PM
 
430 posts, read 127,971 times
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Our daughter got pregnant in high school. Although we were surprised and disappointed at first, we were glad she wanted to keep the baby! She and the father married several years after their son was born. In fact, that baby was their ring bearer. (I'm having tears in my eyes as I write this) He also has a "little" sister, who is now in middle school. Like her older brother was, she is also a straight-A student, and a super athlete! It wasn't easy, but our daughter and her sweet husband, who we dearly love, toughed it out, albeit with some financial support from us. They have professional jobs, are happily married, and that baby recently graduated college in the upper 10% of his class! I say all this to say that our situation turned out to be a blessing in disguise, and my wife and I thank God every day, that these wonderful grand kids are in our lives! I encourage you all to give your situation much thought and prayer, and I hope your outcome turns out to be as wonderful as ours. Yes, people make mistakes, but mistakes are meant to happen. Otherwise, there would be no mistakes. Many times those mistakes turn out for the best! I hope this helps, and wish all of you the best of luck!!
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Striving for Avalon
1,395 posts, read 1,991,817 times
Reputation: 3178
Soonerguy, I find that your posts have me both nodding and shaking my head. I nod at your thoughts and shake my head at the girl's family.

Your anxieties are 100% justified. The statistics pertinent to your son, his GF, and their unborn child should horrify all of you. I am talking about the likelihood of lower educational attainment, spending years on government assistance, and living in poverty. We have the data to show that your grandchild is downwardly mobile before it's born!

I am going to get crucified for pointing this out, but the GF's family sounds religious and low-ish socioeconomic status (SES). In my time and travels through rural America* (surprisingly extensive for my background), I've noticed a culture of low expectations for young, low SES women. Having a baby (in wedlock or not) is more or less the apex of their expected achievement. Ideally, it's a small bundle of love and possibility. In reality, it's work and struggle for a kid born into a country where it's harder and harder to "make it."

Costs have risen dramatically since many of you (I imagine most of you as young Gen X -40 ish - or older) were the age of the OP's son. If you want to live somewhere with economic activity (jobs/future potential), you're looking at $750+ per month plus bills (let's say $1,000 all in) for an apartment that you'd feel comfortable raising a kid in. Now furnish it. Healthy food tends to be either cheap and time consuming or pricey but convenient. Yes, I generalize a bit, but these are teenagers, not experienced adults who've figured out the tricks of home ec. Diapers, clothing, toys, transportation, insurance, etc etc. Knowing what I do, I would be begging/borrowing/stealing the money needed for an abortion were I a pregnant woman in sub-ideal economic standards.



*Summer 2016 and 2017 were spent on 30-ish thousand miles of road tripping around the US and Canada, from FL, to KY, to NM, and coast-to-coast across Canada. I've seen the hum of Silicon Valley and the dying towns on forgotten roads in rural AL.
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