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Old 01-17-2018, 09:24 PM
 
11,878 posts, read 9,480,511 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ovi8 View Post
Thought of that. Except boys aren't always thinking of that. For an IUD, girls don't have to think about it at all. That's what I'm talking about.
Boys have just as much of a duty to practice safe sex as girls do. If they don't think of it, that's their own fault. It's easier to go buy a box of condoms than it is to make an appointment with the gyno and have an IUD inserted.

If a guy doesn't want a baby, he should be practicing his own birth control methods no matter what the woman is doing. And anyway, using two methods at once doesn't hurt, it can only help if done properly. The risk of STDs is also important to consider, it's not just about pregnancy. Relying on just a woman's IUD won't help you there. STD prevalence is on the rise in the US, with very high numbers lately. Seems people in general aren't thinking about it. Unwise.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:35 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,160 posts, read 36,963,388 times
Reputation: 72163
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
She might have skipped on birth control purposely, but there is no way to will one's self pregnant. She also couldn't have done it on her own. It takes two people to create a pregnancy.
I'll bet she wasn't even on the pill.

Quote:
Originally Posted by soonerguy View Post
I know I need to find a way past all that.
As soon as possible. For everyone' sake.
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Old 01-18-2018, 12:56 AM
 
7,027 posts, read 3,642,245 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soonerguy View Post
My 17-year-old son has gotten his 18-year-old girlfriend pregnant. I am just beside myself with sadness and grief and anger and still stunned. I feel like a complete failure, more than I ever have, and I don't know what to do or say. Guess I'm looking for guidance and advice from someone who has been in a similar situation.
No doubt you are in a state of shock and grief right now. As parents, we all have dreams and hopes for our kids, and it can be hard when things don't turn out the way we expected. I think your reaction to the news is totally understandable; I would probably feel the same way.

But, your son needs you MORE now than ever. He may sound cavalier about the whole thing, but he is probably full of doubts, fears, and even a bit of grief himself. As soon as you are able, try to take a deep breath and calmly help him begin to figure out what he needs to do over the coming months and years to take care of his child and his child's mother.

Yes, your vision of your son's future has changed. But, your love for him hasn't. Keep that love at the forefront as you no doubt always have, and go forward. That is the best way to teach your son what being a parent is all about.

You are never a failure as a parent if you are there when your child needs you. You don't have to have all the answers; just be there.

Hugs, and best wishes to your family.

Last edited by RosieSD; 01-18-2018 at 01:05 AM..
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Old 01-18-2018, 01:57 AM
 
5,165 posts, read 2,324,261 times
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To the OP: You did everything right, there was nothing else you could do. You can’t watch over a teenager 24/7, or lock them away. And, their hormones are raging. My frustration is that nowadays, reliable birth control is available to minors without their parents even knowing about it or giving consent, and it has not always been that way, so the concept of “accidental teen pregnancy” makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Also, being 18 does not magically make someone an adult, capable of making a life-changing decision, like when or if they should have a child. Obviously, many so-called adults also don’t make the “right” choice regarding when or if they should be a parent.

I would continue to be supportive of him, but also try to keep him on the path to his adult future, and that means continuing his education, not getting a minimum-wage job & getting married...no, just no to that.

Definitely, DNA/paternity testing, as child support payments will be expected.

Best of luck to you & your son...keep moving forward.

Finally, at the risk of offending anyone or having this statement politicized, this country, by law, is still pro-choice.

Last edited by MarciaMarshaMarcia; 01-18-2018 at 03:10 AM..
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Old 01-18-2018, 03:20 AM
 
Location: Central Indiana/Indy metro area
1,403 posts, read 2,147,666 times
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Make sure your son gets a DNA test before signing that he is the father. Them not being married is actually a good thing. I don't care how trusting he is of her, he should get verification.
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Old 01-18-2018, 05:37 AM
 
Location: Bella Vista, Ark
68,699 posts, read 78,731,598 times
Reputation: 38116
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I am totally against pressuring young women to give up their children for adoption. It should be the woman's decision and she should not be pressured into it. If she can get any support to keep her child, she should be able to do that. She won't always be young and poor.
Is anyone suggesting she be pressured into giving her child up for adoption? No, she may not always been poor and of course not always young but if she isn't totally prepared for motherhood and very mature she is screwing up her life, the young man's life and most important the life of a innocent baby. Did you miss the part where she doesn't even know how to drive or at least doesn't have a drivers licence. Just knowing that, says she isn't very mature. you talk about support, even that only goes so far. I know too many cases where your women have decided to keep their babies, the parents are excited about having a little one in the house, and then things don't go so well. What happens? The loving little baby turns out to be a not so loving child and eventually a less than desirable adult. Reality has to be considered here and not an emotional, naive approach taken. Are there cases where a young girl, uneducated and immature can end up raising well adjusted children? Of course, but the odds are totally against this. I work with a volunteer group that raises funds for educating young, single mothers. My daughter is president of a group that deals with literacy issues and my husband and I are part of a group that works with young school aged kids who need extra attention. In almost every case these kids are products of single moms, split families or poverty; often all 3.
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Old 01-18-2018, 05:48 AM
 
230 posts, read 102,496 times
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While I may not be of the best help, or of the best advice - I remember being around quite a few teen parents in my lifetime. I went to a high school with alarming pregnancy rates and it didn't always go over so pretty with the families involved, of course.

I can understand and see how you would be upset, angry, and deeply disappointed in your son. It won't solve anything, but this is an emotional process and it will take some time to get through.

Unfortunately, teenagers/young adults sometimes don't use the best judgement and they know what their parents have told them, but choose to discard that for a time and don't fully understand the consequence they will or could face for those actions.

There may be reasons to his girlfriend not being on birth control for the time being. She's 18, it's more up to the girlfriend since she's a legal adult to choose and not so much her parents say anymore. It's possible she is on a birth control and whatever method she used failed. It's possible your son used protection and it failed. Those things happen, too. Although, I feel abstinence is best until marriage, that's my opinion because there is no chance at unwanted pregnancies that way.

I know if someone was being told, "I'm pregnant and you're the father." Where I'm from, most would get a DNA test as soon as they can to be sure they are actually the one responsible. I suppose it would be worth looking into at this point to be positive.

Your son still has potential, he will only now have to navigate it differently with a child. It will be harder no doubt, and he may not have all the time he could've before to advance in his skills, but this is still doable. Yes, he will learn a lot of harsh lessons and this will be a new slap in the face to him. Him and his girlfriend will need to grow up fast as they have a new life they are both going to be taking care of. No, it's never easy, and being a parent of course never is.

Her parents may be happy because their daughter is considered a legal adult and they may have a different cultural view on this. Perhaps they are too eager to be grandparents, they don't care how it happens. It's possible that her parents did not know about the sex going on - it could have been when they weren't home or they were outside of the home. You mentioned her parents letting your son have sex with their daughter, but did you set your foot down and tell your son he shouldn't be over there for the time he was, or at the times he was? You may not have been able to prevent this completely, but her parents aren't 100% responsible for your son's actions or their daughters since she is now 18.

The best thing you can probably do at this point is make sure your son knows what to expect. Try to have him attend birthing classes together with her so that he understands the birth process, too. Mention they should both make decisions on where she receives her care, where she will give birth, and her birthing plan. Your son will need to decide in what ways he will support her on this because they are both in this one together. They need to decide if they are moving out together or staying with relatives. There are a lot of decisions that they both have to make and considering he's 17, there are things that are still in your say as well.

You may want to sit down with her parents if at all possible, or if you feel appropriate. It may not be meant for this time, but it would help to know a bit about them.

You don't know whether they will be good parents or not. Is it ideal that they are parents at this point in their lives? Probably not, but it's surprising what types of people actually make wonderful mothers or fathers. They may not be the ideal age for a parent in our society today, but that doesn't mean that they will be terrible ones.

I hope that things will all work out for the best!
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Old 01-18-2018, 05:51 AM
 
Location: Bella Vista, Ark
68,699 posts, read 78,731,598 times
Reputation: 38116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zymer View Post
This is nonsensical. Firstly, the girl is 18, she can do as she pleases. Secondly, two young people with raging hormones are going to find a way to be alone (or not)* long enough to do as nature is urging regardless of any level of 'responsibility' of the parents. Teens have been finding ways to spend hours alone for just about as long as there have been teens, short of locking her up behind bars mommy and daddy can't do jack about it.

The only sure-fire method for the boy to have avoided this situation was for him to have kept his zipper up. Since he didn't, the next chapter of this story will tell whether or not he is 'responsible' enough to do as he ought.

*(When I was much younger and dating an 18 year-old girl, while visiting while she was on vacation with her parents we did the deed in the motel room while said parents were asleep on the bed less than 10 feet away. Daddy was a big man, big enough that he could (and did) carry a .44mag under a suit-jacket without anyone noticing it, I think we both 'got off' on the thrill of the risk.)
I was young once too and not all so innocent so I totally agree with what you are saying but my point still is, her parents made it even easier for them assuming the Ops story is totally up front and honest. And yes, she is 18 which makes her an adult even though it appears neither of them appear to be very mature.
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Old 01-18-2018, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Bella Vista, Ark
68,699 posts, read 78,731,598 times
Reputation: 38116
Quote:
Originally Posted by columbusboy8 View Post
Our daughter got pregnant in high school. Although we were surprised and disappointed at first, we were glad she wanted to keep the baby! She and the father married several years after their son was born. In fact, that baby was their ring bearer. (I'm having tears in my eyes as I write this) He also has a "little" sister, who is now in middle school. Like her older brother was, she is also a straight-A student, and a super athlete! It wasn't easy, but our daughter and her sweet husband, who we dearly love, toughed it out, albeit with some financial support from us. They have professional jobs, are happily married, and that baby recently graduated college in the upper 10% of his class! I say all this to say that our situation turned out to be a blessing in disguise, and my wife and I thank God every day, that these wonderful grand kids are in our lives! I encourage you all to give your situation much thought and prayer, and I hope your outcome turns out to be as wonderful as ours. Yes, people make mistakes, but mistakes are meant to happen. Otherwise, there would be no mistakes. Many times those mistakes turn out for the best! I hope this helps, and wish all of you the best of luck!!
Your story is a wonderful one and you can be proud of your kids. Obviously your daughter and her husband were mature adults and you were great parents to help them through a challenging time for all of you. Contrats to you and to your family.
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Old 01-18-2018, 07:58 AM
 
410 posts, read 928,576 times
Reputation: 647
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosieSD View Post
No doubt you are in a state of shock and grief right now. As parents, we all have dreams and hopes for our kids, and it can be hard when things don't turn out the way we expected. I think your reaction to the news is totally understandable; I would probably feel the same way.

But, your son needs you MORE now than ever. He may sound cavalier about the whole thing, but he is probably full of doubts, fears, and even a bit of grief himself. As soon as you are able, try to take a deep breath and calmly help him begin to figure out what he needs to do over the coming months and years to take care of his child and his child's mother.

Yes, your vision of your son's future has changed. But, your love for him hasn't. Keep that love at the forefront as you no doubt always have, and go forward. That is the best way to teach your son what being a parent is all about.

You are never a failure as a parent if you are there when your child needs you. You don't have to have all the answers; just be there.
Thank you for this Rosie. This is about where I'm at. He's really just a kid and I will push through my own issues to be there for him and his family, which regardless of my thoughts and opinions, is my family too. I ask myself what good parent wouldn't do that?
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