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Old 01-17-2018, 08:22 AM
 
410 posts, read 935,804 times
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My 17-year-old son has gotten his 18-year-old girlfriend pregnant. I am just beside myself with sadness and grief and anger and still stunned. I adopted this boy as a single parent from a bad situation when he was 7 and I've worked so hard to show him the right way. He's a senior in high school and just now started working a "real" job. She does work full time, lives at home, and can't drive. Neither is emotionally ready to be a parent. He was in the process of applying to colleges and is gifted musically and really had a lot of potential. He had access to protection and was fully aware of the dangers of not using it so it is dumbfounding to me how he let this happen. I'm mad at him and the girl and her parents. He would go over to her house and spend several hours in the evenings on the weekends and I don't understand what kind of parents would let an unemployed, irresponsible teenager have sex with their daughter without her being on birth control. And they are seemingly fine with the situation, looking forward to being grandparents. He is clueless as to what awaits him. I heard him talking about it with a friend and he said something like "Yeah, I'm going to have to save my money because I'll have to buy juice and stuff." I'm sad that he will have to learn a lot of hard lessons now when he should have been young and free, that he'll never know what he could have done with his music (he has lots of ambition in that regard), and that a human is coming into the world with these two as parents. I feel like a complete failure, more than I ever have, and I don't know what to do or say. Guess I'm looking for guidance and advice from someone who has been in a similar situation.
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:54 AM
 
12,932 posts, read 19,824,518 times
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I have not been in your situation, although a close friend has. She sat down with the parents of the father, and they came to an agreement on his responsibilities. Both teens had to grow up, fast, but after a few rough spots, they have done so, and are now doing well. They did not marry, and don't plan to.

If your son had potential last month, he still has it. The best thing he can do for his child is to maximize that potential.
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:59 AM
 
1,000 posts, read 670,961 times
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I understand why you are frustrated and disappointed. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and teach and guide your children they don't always think about the consequences of their actions. On the bright side it sounds like he is taking responsibility as a future dad seriously.

To be fair the girls parents may not have known that there was sex without birth control and are making the best of the situation. Personally if she was my daughter and seeing how neither is emotionally, financially or mature enough to be parents I would encourage adoption, but then again they may surprise you.

I would still encourage your son to go to school. It will be hard but in the long run it would benefit not only your son in the long run, it will also benefit your grandchild too!
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:02 AM
 
6,836 posts, read 2,646,406 times
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There are a lot of moving parts here to this story. Since he hadn't finished applying for college (I know Oklahoma has an extremely lax deadline policy, but still) it seems it wasn't really his intention to go. The fact that he has quickly decided he'll be spending his money buying juice, he's not unhappy with the turn of events - young men who had their hearts set on college would balk at this.

Although you've really tried to offer him a better life than he had, he's got both nature and nurture working against him for living a successful upper middle class life.

If he wants to go to college (doesn't sound like he does, sounds like he did this on purpose so he wouldn't have to go), he can still do it.

My husband's college roommate got his high school girlfriend pregnant the summer before he was to leave for his freshman year in college. They didn't know for sure until October, midway through his first semester. They stuck it out. Got married. She lived with her parents the first two years after the baby, then moved to the college town and the 3 of them got a ratty little apartment and she worked. His parents financed his education.

The difference was they were goal-driven. This baby wasn't part of the plan - and he didn't alter his plan it was just harder and different. They're still together, had two more kids who all went to college, and it worked. The American Dream.

I don't sense your son wants that for his life. What does he want, do you know? Did he do this on purpose?
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:04 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,509,210 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tottsieanna View Post
I understand why you are frustrated and disappointed. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and teach and guide your children they don't always think about the consequences of their actions. On the bright side it sounds like he is taking responsibility as a future dad seriously.

To be fair the girls parents may not have known that there was sex without birth control and are making the best of the situation. Personally if she was my daughter and seeing how neither is emotionally, financially or mature enough to be parents I would encourage adoption, but then again they may surprise you.

I would still encourage your son to go to school. It will be hard but in the long run it would benefit not only your son in the long run, it will also benefit your grandchild too!
This is a great post...it was what I was going to say.

I totally get being upset, I know I would be. But at the same time, it isn't the end of his life. But I know it feels like it is.

OP, you are still a great parent...things happen.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:22 AM
 
15,204 posts, read 16,070,411 times
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I'm sorry that all of you find yourselves in this situation and I know it seems like the end of the world, but it isn't. It's going to make things a lot more difficult, to be sure, but all you can do is take things one day at a time. Lots of people who were very young parents go on to live fulfilling lives.

Also, if you get a chance to ask this without starting a fight, find out if he did use birth control all the time. If there's a possibility that the baby is not his, he can ask for a paternity test after the baby is born.
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Old 01-17-2018, 09:47 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,195 posts, read 37,806,900 times
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You can still guide him through this. He can still pursue the things he had planned.

Once you cool down a little, begin looking into all his legal rights and responsibilities re: custody.
There are options.
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Old 01-17-2018, 10:20 AM
 
736 posts, read 399,548 times
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If I had a teenage daughter I would get her a birth control implant. It protects against pregnancy for up to 4 years.
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Old 01-17-2018, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Central IL
13,455 posts, read 7,165,715 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nurse Bishop View Post
If I had a teenage daughter I would get her a birth control implant. It protects against pregnancy for up to 4 years.
IUD is good for 10 and can be removed at any time - gets you through high school and college.
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Old 01-17-2018, 10:54 AM
 
2,580 posts, read 1,046,853 times
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I would not be dumbfounded as to how it could happen.
I would not be angry at her parents. They weren’t having unprotected sex.
Should they be angry at you?
It is not the end of the world.
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