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I get your frustration with this, although I don't personally deal with it. I'm amused by the suggestion that if you just sat down with everyone once and explained your expectations, the light bulb would go off in their heads and things would magically resolve. I mean, it's clearly your fault for not speaking up, right (<= sarcasm)? I agree that picking up after oneself would seem to be common sense, but as time goes on I am continually amazed at how deep the sense of entitlement runs in some people, and that you can't reason it out of them.
Yes, I had never thought to have a family meeting or write emails or make lists for everyone to see before Mr. Mark James came along to give me advice. All of my problems are now solved.
Sorry, but I think the hourly wage working women have it harder. Some of them may not even qualify for maternity leave if their company isn't large enough and they are often treated as more disposable, so more likely to lose their jobs if they become pregnant or leave work to care for a child. Also, with less money they have less resources for back up childcare. So although you view your wife's career as more important and difficult than the "hourly wage" workers, I'd still say there are disadvantages and hardships to being an hourly wage worker.
You make some great points. Health care, child care and maternity benefits definitely are not as good at many smaller companies.
Thanks for the advice and illustrating so very clearly why I was so hesitant about posting on this thread.
Any grown, intelligent person - man or woman - should understand dishes should be scraped before going in the sink and even possibly placing them in the dishwasher and pressing "wash."
But I get it. I'm just a stupid SAHM who has too much expectations of everyone but herself.
Why be angry about it?
I have had the benefit/necessity of cooking, cleaning and doing laundry since the age of 13, so these are things I am comfortable doing. When in college, my roommate knew NOTHING about anything as his mother basically took care of everything (including unpacking his bag when he arrived). A female friend of mine knows nothing about cooking (she "burns water" as she puts it). I also learned how to do repairs around the house, but a good friend of mine can't even change a light fixture or fix a small leak.
I wouldn't assume that anyone automatically knew about scraping dishes. Or to separate whites from colors. Or rebuild a deck. These are skills that have to be learned.
When I went through middle and high school we had "Home Economics" and "Industrial Arts" courses, the former being taken by girls and the latter (aka "shop") by the boys. I wish schools still had these, but for both genders. Call it "Real World Preparation".
I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I don't know why your husband/partner is unwilling or unable to do these things, especially as it's clear they upset you. But as my wife and I deal with, there are things that upset her that don't faze me and vice versa. We try and get the big stuff right and don't sweat the small things whenever we can.
In my experience SAHMs don't complain any more than anyone else does, so I'd mark it up to venting - which they are entitled to do just like anyone else. Because, you know....humans.
Shrug.
Exactly. People in regular jobs complain all the time too. No one's life is perfect. There is always something to complain about, even if you have a large house, money, and nice cars. We all need to vent.
I have had the benefit/necessity of cooking, cleaning and doing laundry since the age of 13, so these are things I am comfortable doing. When in college, my roommate knew NOTHING about anything as his mother basically took care of everything (including unpacking his bag when he arrived). A female friend of mine knows nothing about cooking (she "burns water" as she puts it). I also learned how to do repairs around the house, but a good friend of mine can't even change a light fixture or fix a small leak.
I wouldn't assume that anyone automatically knew about scraping dishes. Or to separate whites from colors. Or rebuild a deck. These are skills that have to be learned.
When I went through middle and high school we had "Home Economics" and "Industrial Arts" courses, the former being taken by girls and the latter (aka "shop") by the boys. I wish schools still had these, but for both genders. Call it "Real World Preparation".
I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I don't know why your husband/partner is unwilling or unable to do these things, especially as it's clear they upset you. But as my wife and I deal with, there are things that upset her that don't faze me and vice versa. We try and get the big stuff right and don't sweat the small things whenever we can.
Excellent idea. The only thing I missed about by exh was his tools and his ability to fix things. If only I knew how to hang drapery rods and repair things around the house.
Ok, but keep in mind what you're quoting was in response to this from the op:
The op is acting like all SAHP's have chosen it because that's what they wanted and because they are all well off enough to afford it and the op also insinuated in that post that everyone who works is working because they have to and no one does it because they choose to. I think most reasonable people would be able to recognize how ridiculous and untrue this is.
My point is that someone working outside the home is necessary for a family to survive, assuming government benefits aren't in play. Having a SAHP is not necessary for survival, and thus could be looked at as somewhat of a luxury OR requires the family unit to make a huge financial sacrifice.
In other words, having a SAHP either is possible because the family is financially comfortable or if the family makes a major sacrifice to the point where finances become more stressful.
Does anyone else see the hypocrisy in a thread complaining about complaining?
Haha. Good point, but the posts have been enlightening so it was worth the hypocrite brand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sas318
Exactly. People in regular jobs complain all the time too. No one's life is perfect. There is always something to complain about, even if you have a large house, money, and nice cars. We all need to vent.
It's important to be aware of who you are venting to though. If you have money and nice cars, and you're complaining to the barista about your life, you are a fool. If you are a SAHM with a cleaning lady, lawn guy and pool boy and you are complaining to the SAHM that is married to an hourly factory worker and is barely getting by, you're a fool.
In other words, don't complain to someone if your life is already better than theirs.
I'll start with the typical recital of I how know every not single SAHM complains. This thread is based on enough first-hand observations of complaining SAHM moms that I wanted to ask so I could better understand. The complaining annoys the crap out of me, but I thought if I understood it better, maybe I wouldn't be so irritated.
I know several SAHMs who seemingly do nothing but complain and are extremely resentful. If you didn't know better, you would think they have the worst lives. They complain about everything from chores, to shopping, to husbands and whatever else they can think of. These are women with nice houses, no reasons to be materially stressed, and husbands who seem to be good men with well-paying jobs. One even has a cleaning lady. All of this is compounded when they get together and it becomes a contest to see who has the worst life and the biggest clod of a husband.
I know staying at home with kids all of the time is hard as hell. There is no way I could or would want to do it. But at the same time, I am having trouble understanding why the SAHM moms seem to complain more than the working moms who have jobs AND have to manage kids and a household (because it still is primarily the women leading on both of these). Particularly, since staying-at-home is often a choice whereas having to work often is not.
I have a few theories. I'm curious if SAHM think any of these are the reasons for the complaints or if there are others:
1) Lack of adult interaction. Talking about poopies and having Paw Patrol on in the background is probably difficult and mentally frustrating.
2) Feeling of inferiority for not working. I know one of my friends who is a SAHM has this issue. She has a MA in International Relations and she is resentful that she stays home and is wasting her education.
3) Feeling of imbalance in household duties. All of the SAHMs I know complain about the husbands not doing enough. It's as if they think hubby leaves for the day and goes and just has a grand old time all day long. As a SAHM, what do you expect from husband in terms of pitching in around the house?
Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone could shed some light on why SAHMs seem so miserable. My purpose is not to criticize but to better understand.
Not a SAHM but there are plenty of men with attitudes that just because they work, they don't have to lift a finger at home. Or that doing just yard work/more "manly" housework is acceptable. My issue with the latter is that mowing the lawn, for example, is only done maybe once a week, and only during warmer months, if you live in a true four season climate. Same with raking and throwing away leaves in the fall. You wash the cars only occasionally as well, if you change the oil, too, same with that. OTOH, dishes are done every day, often multiple times a day. Laundry is usually done multiple times a week in households with kids. Cleaning is a weekly occurrence, at the least. Sometimes toilets and sinks need to be cleaned multiple times a week.
Housework that stereotypically is seen as a "woman's job" must be done far more often, and even SAHMs deserve some help with it. Running a household does not just take one person. Maybe only one needs to go to work every day, but houses themselves require a lot of work, as well, and when you buy a home and live there with a spouse and family, IMO the responsibility should be more equal than it is in reality in many peoples' lives, and more equal than I think many still seem to think it should be.
If the wife has been home all day dealing with the kids and all in the house that comes with having them (cleaning up after making and eating breakfast and lunch for one), the husband IMO can do the dishes after dinner, at least a few times a week. He can pitch in with laundry. Clean a toilet if he notices it needs it. I know families with SAHMs and working dads who don't do even this basic stuff. Maybe they're the minority, I really don't know, but they certainly exist. And the moms aren't thrilled about it, and I can't blame them.
Work can honestly be easier than staying home with kids. I don't even have kids and I know this. The number of adults at work who don't actually work that hard is surprisingly high IMO. Some even see work as a break from the kids. As a kid, I used to think that people who worked were busy all day, just doing things all the time. Constant busyness. This is true for some people, sure. But definitely not all. It was only when I became an adult and had first-hand experience working did I realize how little sometimes people actually accomplish in a work day or how little they actually have to do. Seriously. So I find the excuse that men "work all day, shouldn't have to pitch in at home" to be total BS. Just my opinion.
Thanks for the advice and illustrating so very clearly why I was so hesitant about posting on this thread.
Any grown, intelligent person - man or woman - should understand dishes should be scraped before going in the sink and even possibly placing them in the dishwasher and pressing "wash."
But I get it. I'm just a stupid SAHM who has too much expectations of everyone but herself.
Ridiculous. Do you not understand that all people in your life equal, even if your job was CEO of a fortune 500, the dishes would still go in the sink. It has nothing to do with you being a SAHM.
Signed, Single working mom, without outside household labor, who has a totally capable tween who does absolutely NOTHING to help in the house.
Last edited by roseba; 01-24-2018 at 08:58 PM..
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