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We are jumping to "ridiculous conclusions" because you are doing a poor job explaining what you are trying to convey to us.
Oh, and you are coming off as a heartless and cold individual.
I am retired teacher. I once had a student whose parents treated him significantly different than his nine month older brother. As far as I could tell the brothers were almost identical in every single way, same intelligence, same behaviors, same levels of social and academic skills. It was heart breaking to see "John" being yelled at or punished by his mother for the same behavior that I had just observed "Jerry" do without a comment from Mom. I had over 30 years of teaching experience and yet there was no way that I could help Mom "see" the damage that she was doing to her older son.
Since they were the same age (per the school calendar) one sibling was in my class and the other was in another class of the same grade (Junior Kindergarten), but we often did things together as a group or switched small groups between classrooms so I knew both children quite well. One time, Jerry's teacher and I (John's teacher) videotaped the brothers playing together in a group to show Mom & Dad how similar their behavior was. It would have been obvious to anyone but not to Mom. She kept saying "See John doing (this bad thing or that bad thing). He is a 'bad seed'. He is like the devil." when Jerry was doing the very same behavior. And, Mom kept saying "Jerry is a perfect angel!" Other staff, such as the guidance counselor got involved, but to Mom one son was perfect and the other was a damaged loser (at age four!).
This happened the last year before I retired from teaching. I heard that the next year was much, much worse. John was starting to act out and Mom was even looking into trying to give up John to an adoption agency or get him institutionalized (a very, very normal five year old). The family moved out of town so I never knew what happened to the brothers, but I doubt if it was pretty.
This is tragic, and my only guess to explain it is that the mother is narcissistic, and has chosen to scapegoat the older child. That's one sign of a narcissist, and it has no rhyme or reason. In some families with a narcissistic parent, the brightest, best-behaved child is made out to be the "bad" one, while the one who's a severe under-achiever, gets in trouble with the law as a teen, etc. is the "golden child". No rhyme or reason. That poor boy (John)!
This is tragic No rhyme or reason. That poor boy (John)!
Reminded me of a close friend in elementary and high school. Parents were really focused on academics; all the awards, certificates, trophies that went along with it. They seemed to view their kids as if they were future trophies in themselves. Mom was some sort of teacher, dad was severe and distant. Even their house gave that impression; very modern, sterile, hard angles, all glass and concrete. Unfortunately my friend was not a academic overachiever. She was, however, a kind gentle-hearted person, loyal, dutiful, loved working with her hands and musical who would do anything for another person. She didn't act out, sulk, defy, nothing. Just kept trying and quietly withdrawing. It was painful to watch her frustration, particularly when her parents would openly criticize her in front of company or her friends, ask her why she couldn't be more like her brother, or even "your friend here". Humiliating and upsetting.
Early on the morning she turned 18 she packed up and left home, saying nothing to anyone. She had confided to me that she had a job, a place to live, her own car, to complete her GED, all arranged ahead of time. So much for being a lesser human. Her parents interrogated me but I wouldn't tell them anything. Not after watching her suffer all those years. I tried to stay in contact with her but it was increasingly hard. I got a letter from her some years later apologizing and explaining that she had to walk away from everything from that time, including me...I happened to be one of the measuring sticks her parents used to beat her with.
I wish people would not jump to ridiculous conclusions.
It was not a troll post. I am nigh-on 50 FFS and do not reply asap as I actually work for a living. I'm a humble civil servant. To those who are hypothesizing that I am taking out my own 'failure' on others - wrong, I did well academically and pretty well socially. I have a decent university education, a decent job and a decent personal life.
This is about not wanting someone to fail in life. It comes from a position of concern. We can all pretend everyone has equal abilities but that is just not true. ...
This is not about 'unfair treatment'. Everyone gets treated equally, some just have more self determination and the desire to make it in life. One has just finished HS and started college and the other is at the tail-end of the HS journey. Silly suggestions like 'adoption' are not worthy of acknowledgment save to the extent that they show the person who suggested it to be irrational.
I have sought strategies before to motivate a person. The individual is not without abilities: physically blessed with good height and strength, but between the ears is a vacuum or at least a vacuum as far as long term planning aspects of the mind go.
I hope my judgement is wrong but I see what I see.
Is this your stepchild?
If not, you've had the kid's entire life to motivate him. "I see what I see." Oh please. These kinds of traits don't just show up overnight. So why have you only just now noticed it? You could have been working this entire time to get him on track.
At least ... you could try. But we all do come wired a certain way. And not everyone gets treated equally, despite your claims here. Your disdain most definitely shows through.
Your "position of concern" is poorly conveyed here, and you need to work harder on grasping what is actually important in life. It's apparent that this kid doesn't respect you, Mr. Humble Civil Servant, or else he'd try harder to please you.
So ... what have you been doing all this time while he's been ... listing?
I have two sons that are 17 months apart. One is 19 and the other is 17 now. One is a college freshman and the other a high school senior.
From day one I have always said that they both have their good qualities and they both have their not so good qualities, but it dosnt mean that one is better than the other.
The 19 year old struggled in school because he didn't put in the effort. He hated school, but thrived in sea Cadets. He initially wanted to enlist in the navy, but decided that yes, he could go to college. So he is in college, he is infantry in the national Guard, plays a heck of a game of rugby. he may not be college smart, but he is life smart.
My 17 year old loves school, has great grades, got into 7 colleges and was just accepted into the pre med program. He is a decent wrestler, and has the biggest heart ever. He is always the first to volunteer and to help his coaches. While he is school smart, he is also life smart.
I would never put one above the other. I had it all my life with my brother and sister and its just not right.
The successful one is your bio child, the unsuccessful lazy lout is your wife's biokid.
How'd I do?
0/2.
These are full siblings. Would never do the 'step parent' thing. A man should take care of his own responsibilities. I am a traditionalist in this respect.
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Other staff, such as the guidance counselor got involved, but to Mom one son was perfect and the other was a damaged loser (at age four!).
These kinds of traits don't just show up overnight. So why have you only just now noticed it? You could have been working this entire time to get him on track.
