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Old 01-28-2018, 09:30 AM
 
1,133 posts, read 403,360 times
Reputation: 2304

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mareeinie View Post
My son is 27 and has a girlfriend he has been dating for 2 years. She is easily the laziest woman I have ever met. Granted, my son is making stupid decisions about the relationship as well. He met her online and she moved into his apartment after just two months. He got her a job at the local Wal-Mart and though she didn't drive it was just about a ten minute walk. She quit that job after just three weeks saying it was too hard (she was working in dairy).

She then got another job as a hostess at red robins but quit that due to not liking her coworkers, she then got a job at a subway but quit that after a month. My son lost his job and he and his girlfriend moved in with me. He finally managed to get a job and got her another job at Macy's but shortly quit that one as well. So while my son was at work she would just stay in his room on her phone, computer etc not doing anything. When I would try to talk to her she would brush me aside, keep saying she was depressed and never felt well. Eventually his car broke down and when he got another one, come to find out he put her name on the title as well

She got ANOTHER job at a mazzios at which point my son managed to get a trailer about 20 minutes away. Well, he put her name on it too

It doesn't have any real furnishings aside from a bed, no washer/dryer etc. And, surprise surprise, after they moved she quit that job saying she didn't want to drive that far.

And now my son is telling me she has been talking about marriage and kids and he is considering it.

As you can see, this whole thing is a huge train wreck and this woman is all kinds of lazy, doesn't want to work and is taking my son for a ride. A ride he is always willing to keep getting on I might add. I just don't get why my son is being so stupid about all of this!

Trust me when I say this that your son is not the only person out there putting up with a lazy partner.There is NOTHING you can do.You are wasting your time in trying to talk to him about her laziness.My brother is with one of those lazy people too...Lazy people will always be lazy...Your son is deeply in love in this toxic relationship.He will eventually marry this lazy woman and will forever be the only provider.Let him learn this lesson the hard way.Stay out of it BUT make sure you tell him that you will NOT allow them to move back into your place, you will NOT give them ANY money when they get into a pickle.He choose to be in a relationship with a lazy person and he needs to choose to NOT want to be in that relationship also.Hard to watch this train wreck I'm sure so just close your blinds! It will only get worse if he doesn't see the light.
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Old 01-28-2018, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Norfolk, VA
5,570 posts, read 5,366,856 times
Reputation: 3023
On a serious note it is up to your son to know what he is willing to put up with, AS A MAN. It is a question of masculinity, UNLESS, he is just okay with it, either for the pejorative in my last post or other reasons he is not divulging to you.

I understand the need to vent but at this point in his life these are life choices you simply cannot do for him. Everyone loves the bad girl, the lazy girl, the girl that needs to be rescued, the girl that is clueless that needs a good man to come in and figure things out, make everything alright for her. Every man falls victim to that pathology. Especially a good man that fails to assert himself and put his foot down and isn't just bluffing but is willing to carry through on his actions, not make idle threats but do what needs to be done. She would either respect it or move onto the next victim. You have no way of knowing what type of victim she is claiming to be or how she is getting in his head making him think that he either needs her, or is lucky to be with her, or he doesn't deserve her or isn't good enough to be with her. I've seen it in action. Happened to me a few times it happens to the best of us.

Better to get out now but some men are just fatalistic like that and see through to the end. He has to do this on his own, or else he'll have a problem with you for ruining his love life.
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Old 01-28-2018, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale
905 posts, read 407,644 times
Reputation: 1620
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mareeinie View Post
My son is 27 and has a girlfriend he has been dating for 2 years. She is easily the laziest woman I have ever met. Granted, my son is making stupid decisions about the relationship as well. He met her online and she moved into his apartment after just two months. He got her a job at the local Wal-Mart and though she didn't drive it was just about a ten minute walk. She quit that job after just three weeks saying it was too hard (she was working in dairy).

She then got another job as a hostess at red robins but quit that due to not liking her coworkers, she then got a job at a subway but quit that after a month. My son lost his job and he and his girlfriend moved in with me. He finally managed to get a job and got her another job at Macy's but shortly quit that one as well. So while my son was at work she would just stay in his room on her phone, computer etc not doing anything. When I would try to talk to her she would brush me aside, keep saying she was depressed and never felt well. Eventually his car broke down and when he got another one, come to find out he put her name on the title as well

She got ANOTHER job at a mazzios at which point my son managed to get a trailer about 20 minutes away. Well, he put her name on it too

It doesn't have any real furnishings aside from a bed, no washer/dryer etc. And, surprise surprise, after they moved she quit that job saying she didn't want to drive that far.

And now my son is telling me she has been talking about marriage and kids and he is considering it.

As you can see, this whole thing is a huge train wreck and this woman is all kinds of lazy, doesn't want to work and is taking my son for a ride. A ride he is always willing to keep getting on I might add. I just don't get why my son is being so stupid about all of this!
The dilemma is that she is at risk of getting an unplanned pregnancy. As I understand it, motherhood is a really hard job that never ends. So, this is a woman who does not like work and will quit at the slightest inconvenience. Imagine her trying to take care of an infant at 3 AM in the morning crying from cholic. Will she have the strength and motivation to take the child to the ER? Will she have a job that covers health insurance? These are major RED flags.

Maybe you can round up a spreadsheet of the cost to raise a child and break it down to a weekly basis
and the hours per week that are required along with common emergencies to expect as a young parent.

A lot of young adults are promiscuous but regret it when an unplanned pregnancy occurs and the
child becomes more than they can handle. It looks like they haven't figured that part out yet.
Just give them a blunt warning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9B4gZZYYa-g
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Old 01-28-2018, 10:45 AM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,744,558 times
Reputation: 31041
Quote:
Originally Posted by grad_student200 View Post
The dilemma is that she is at risk of getting an unplanned pregnancy. As I understand it, motherhood is a really hard job that never ends. So, this is a woman who does not like work and will quit at the slightest inconvenience. Imagine her trying to take care of an infant at 3 AM in the morning crying from cholic. Will she have the strength and motivation to take the child to the ER? Will she have a job that covers health insurance? These are major RED flags.

Maybe you can round up a spreadsheet of the cost to raise a child and break it down to a weekly basis
and the hours per week that are required along with common emergencies to expect as a young parent.

A lot of young adults are promiscuous but regret it when an unplanned pregnancy occurs and the
child becomes more than they can handle. It looks like they haven't figured that part out yet.
Just give them a blunt warning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9B4gZZYYa-g
Seriously? These are adults. If my parents had pulled something like that when I was 27 and no longer living with them, I may never have spoken to them again.
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Old 01-28-2018, 10:58 AM
 
519 posts, read 398,067 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaminhealth View Post
OP Did say at a point both were out of work and moved in with her. How often will this happen. I know our children are not ours but they keep wanting to come back to be taken care of. Many anyway. My daughter made some mistakes before marriage but pulled herself up and got herself good work and place to live and never asked to come home to me. She is very independent. That is good.
Maybe see if your daughter could relate her bad choices to her brother? He might take it better from a sibling than parent. A thought, but it is, as others have said, a tricky situation how much to butt in.
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Old 01-28-2018, 01:02 PM
 
3,325 posts, read 3,264,474 times
Reputation: 8438
Do not let them move back in with you under any circumstances! Tell him, and only him, that you wish them well, and that they're welcome for Sunday dinner, but that he won't be moving back in with you, because he's a grown man.
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Old 01-28-2018, 05:03 PM
Status: " ." (set 4 days ago)
 
548 posts, read 803,520 times
Reputation: 549
This story has been out on the internet before. Maybe by the same worried mom, probably by someone who wanted to see us all jump and run around.
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Old 01-28-2018, 05:21 PM
 
Location: East Side
522 posts, read 537,815 times
Reputation: 594
Let him make his own decisions I have an interfering mother in law to be who thinks I'm lazy and I absolutely dislike her immensely.!
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Old 01-28-2018, 10:39 PM
 
230 posts, read 107,539 times
Reputation: 337
As a parent, I can see this would be like the most frustrating thing in the world. While you can still be there for your son, see him from time to time, and offer some advice here and there - he is ultimately going to make his own choices as an adult. The best way for him to learn now is going to be trial and error. It probably would not be wrong for you to take time to sit down with your son, alone and away from the girlfriend, and perhaps give him some advice regarding this stuff and let him know it is advice and it will be his choice to take the advice, but you want to let him know how you feel about his situation.

The move in probably wasn't the best choice he could've made, especially if it made his ability to pay rent, pay for food, and survive a lot more of a burden than a help because of her employment issues.

I can say that when I was older than 18, but not quite 27, I remember how lazy I was for a while. I mean like I loved sitting at the computer and video games all day type of stuff. I also felt sick and depressed, but that's because I wasn't going outside, I wasn't applying myself, and staring like a zombie into a screen - no wonder I didn't feel well! Sometimes when people are absorbed by things like this they are escaping the idea of facing reality or trying to fill a void of something they feel is missing in their lives. I had a lot of growing up to do that I didn't even realize. My parents offered their advice, other people offered their advice, but it simply didn't "click". I would shove it aside and live in denial that, "I'm fine." Before I married my husband, he added me to his bank account, and even though I was an adult that was still living with my parents, my parents were not happy when they found out about it. Understandably so, I see now how that could have ended so badly, but thankfully it did not.

When I married my husband, I was still lazy as could be. We didn't have kids or anything at that time and I was taking classes for a little while, but I did not get a job. I had the opportunities to apply myself to get hired, but I didn't. Now a days, I regret it because if I would have, we could have had more set aside for things like a better car, a better place to live, and we could've moved to a different state with more ease. Now, after having kids, it's a million times harder and once in a while I look back and realize, "If I would've known how strapped for time I would've been, I would've made more use of my time before having children!" But nope, the lightbulb clicked way too late on that. Before having children, but still a few years into my marriage, I would do the minimum for chores. Embarrassingly enough, it was terrible - I didn't have dinner ready for my husband, I would ignore the chores that needed to be done, and I wasted that time frustrating my husband that had worked all day, came home to no dinner, and ended up having to do all the household work himself. Eventually, that part clicked that I honestly needed to make a change and I had made that change years before having kids, but still - I feel bad about how that must've been for my husband for a while. As a note, I did not come from a rich family or a completely poor family - it's just the real world eventually had to shake me awake at some point and I was more in denial of reality.

Couples starting out can do crazy things, and of course, not the smartest things at times. However, with adults, they will have to make their own choices. It is honestly better if they think it through with their mind first and then tackle the situation at hand with a well though out decision, but doesn't always happen.

This could all end up okay even with the risky decisions he's making, but it could be a recipe for disaster, too. The fact that she's burning so many jobs shows she has low or no motivation in mind for working. Perhaps she feels, "He'll take care of me." or, she doesn't see a reason to hold a job so why bother? It's ridiculous to see the reasons she's leaving jobs and how often, but eventually - this is going to look bad to future employers. They're going to wonder why she can't hold down a job for more than a few weeks at a time and not want to hire her. So when she really needs the job, she may not be able to find it.

Although, your son may be thinking he's taking care of her and has everything covered, he's not seeing the big picture. If she's not going to apply herself to anything whether it be chores around the house, a job, perhaps school, or something that is going to help her go forward in life in a positive way then it's probably not the best time to be thinking about kids. Kids is sometimes how people try to tie each other into a relationship, sadly, and the kids end up being more of the victims of any of those problems as they did not choose it.

Hopefully this turns into him making more rational decisions and he thinks about this a lot more with his brain and understands that some of these things can have their consequences that could be detrimental to his finances, ability to sustain a household, and perhaps it doesn't sound like they've talked about the reality of marriage a lot like how they are going to keep afloat financially, what living situations they are and aren't okay with, their financial situations currently (are there any debts that will affect the relationship), will they need one income or must they have two to survive, what if they eventually need two incomes to survive (will the wife pitch in, or will the husband get two jobs or one full-time and then a side gig), if they do get married - what type of wedding will they have/who will pay for it/how will it get paid for/will there be a ceremony or just fill in the marriage license and that's it, do either plan to pursue higher educations or certificate programs in college with or without loans, how will sharing the car work when both people have somewhere to be at the same time/different times, etc. etc.

But you know, with the decisions he has made so far. If her name is on the title, he may be able to remove it or he may not be able to easily revoke that, but he will have to live with making that decision. If he managed to get a trailer and her name is also attached to that, depending on if there's a lease/mortgage or something of that sort he may or may not have to live with consequences from that. Not having any furnishings isn't exactly a real problem - been there myself, and there's always second hand stores/garage sales/shouting out to friends if they are selling any furniture/used appliance stores that can remedy this over time without needing the credit card - through this, they will both live. As far as marriage and kids, that's going to be their decision, and he will have to think about supporting kids as well if they do have them, which isn't as expensive as people make it out to be, but it definitely is not free.

Also, it is probably best not to let them come live with you. Don't rescue them from the real world, because they may need to fall on their face a few times to get it. They might need reality to say, "Hello! Here I am! You need to step up and make effective decisions!" This doesn't mean you can't have them over to visit or chill for a few hours, but don't let them come and hide under your wing instead of facing the real world problems they have ahead of them.
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Old 01-28-2018, 11:46 PM
 
Location: 60630
11,638 posts, read 17,050,201 times
Reputation: 10632
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemming95 View Post
This story has been out on the internet before. Maybe by the same worried mom, probably by someone who wanted to see us all jump and run around.
What?
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