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Old 02-02-2018, 03:32 PM
 
10,608 posts, read 13,354,093 times
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For starters, my son had an IEP and part of his plan was for the teacher to send home a NOTE with his homework.

That worked great for us. He had some ADD with some developmental lags in fine motor skills so his IEP made allowances for that. Such as not demanding cursive too young. In fact, I had to throw the cursive book out in the trash in October to make my point about honoring his IEP.

Which can be a constant ongoing battle.
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Old 02-02-2018, 03:40 PM
 
Location: california
423 posts, read 981,881 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KenBrookMom View Post
My 9 year old daughter has been struggling at school in 3rd and 4th grade.
Based on my own experience as a child, my impression is that your daughter is having issues that are not being heard, and if so, she probably feels that no one hears what she says. Your husband and you are a team united, that she cannot talk with about any individual issues. You ask outside people and experts for help who don't know. Rather, you should be asking your daughter in what ways you can help her, listen to her, and seek a female advocate who will be supportive of her, not of you.

If this is not a medical issue, and I doubt that it is, seeking such routes would obscure the real truth. Rather, her actions are a natural outcome of environment, habit, survival, and perhaps a means for her to withdraw and try to protect herself.
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Old 02-02-2018, 03:48 PM
 
Location: Greater LA area
15,702 posts, read 11,705,700 times
Reputation: 30421
Quote:
Originally Posted by KenBrookMom View Post
Looking for any advice. My 9 year old daughter has been struggling at school in 3rd and 4th grade. Its to the point that I think her teacher is hinting towards holding her back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MKB0925 View Post

Also, is the new behavior for her or has she had issues in previous school years?
Quote:
Originally Posted by okaydorothy View Post
Has anything changed at home in the past while?
2 years
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Old 02-02-2018, 03:56 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,385 posts, read 15,974,587 times
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I second those who said she needs to get a psych eval. That term sounds scary and serious, but could help pinpoint disordered thinking or other underlying causes to her behavior.

I had similar issues in 4th and 5th grade. My assignments wouldn't get turned in. Half the time, I'd actually do them but be too anxious about getting a bad grade to actually turn them in (even though I was a straight A student) and I was perceived as bossy because I was so anxious of things going out of my control. What my parents and teachers didn't know is I was also ripping out chunks of my own hair, a behavior that lasted until college. I developed a lifelong battle with overeating to sooth my anxieties. It wasn't until after college that I was diagnosed with anxiety - I always thought I was somehow a failure for not being able to pull it together (shocker - that was the anxiety talking all along!).

Now, I'm not saying your daughter has anxiety, but that's one possibility. Dozens of adults saw my behavior and knew there was an issue, but none ever thought it was serious enough to seek a diagnosis or treatment. I certainly wish they had - they had no idea what was really going on in my head and, as a kid, I didn't know what I was experiencing wasn't normal! Good for you for seeking out answers.

I also second those who suggested enforcing a system for knowing what assignments are due. Either see if there's an agenda, or ask for the teacher to send home (preferably by email, so it won't get eaten by a backpack) a list of what is due. It's hard for me to imagine that at that age there isn't some kind of system in place to help parents keep their children on task for homework. Potential more serious issue or not, kids are forgetful!
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Old 02-02-2018, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Texas
6,338 posts, read 2,308,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KenBrookMom View Post

She also overeats without our knowledge. Examples: sneaking food late at night, telling people she hasn't eaten when she just did, etc. Constantly saying she's hungry and asking for seconds. We have also had an unbelievable amount of discussions with her about this topic. We talk to her about future health issues, tummy aches, diabetes, heart problems. She seems agreeable here as well, but again, offers no feedback. Just shakes her head yes. I think it all falls on deaf ears and it out of her brain as soon as the discussion ends.

I have asked the school if they have any resources on any behavior classes or counseling for kids like her and I get nothing. They tell me to go to her doctor. Her doctor only seems to focus on her weight and doesn't seem to hear me when I mention the other issues. I truly don't think its an ADD related issue from the research I've done on the disorder. Any words of advice would be deeply appreciated.
My daughter has some of the same problems, particularly with hoarding food and being constantly hungry. She is 9 years old. Although she is not overweight at this point. She has been diagnosed with ADHD so I'm not sure how that could be related. She saw a psychologist for a few months when she was 7, we quit due to the cost. Her school referred her for counseling but apparently she hasn't seen the school counselor yet, which I need to follow up on. I'm surprised your school doesn't offer any counseling services for students. So to answer your question, I don't know if the behavior is classified as normal for this age but I know my child is the same way especially with regard to sneaking food, constantly being hungry and saying she hasn't eaten, when she has.
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Old 02-02-2018, 04:18 PM
 
3,153 posts, read 2,841,372 times
Reputation: 8664
Quote:
Originally Posted by KenBrookMom View Post
Looking for any advice. My 9 year old daughter has been struggling at school in 3rd and 4th grade. Its to the point that I think her teacher is hinting towards holding her back. She comes home every night and we ask what school work she has, she tells us she has nothing to do except read for 15 minutes. I get emails from her teacher almost weekly about her missing 5-10 assignments. We do what we can to make them up but I can't understand why it won't stop. When her teacher asks her why she didn't do the work, she tells him she didn't know about it or just doesn't respond. When we ask her why she didn't do it, she says she lost it. Sometimes I wonder if she isn't throwing it away.

Besides the school work issue, she also makes and loses friends daily. Always drama and always hurt feelings. Her teacher has mentioned that kids don't want to be around her because of how bossy and moody she can become. We have SO many talks to her about this. About kindness and sharing. Treating others how you want to be treated. She seems to be agreeable on what we say but doesn't give much for feedback.

She also overeats without our knowledge. Examples: sneaking food late at night, telling people she hasn't eaten when she just did, etc. Constantly saying she's hungry and asking for seconds. We have also had an unbelievable amount of discussions with her about this topic. We talk to her about future health issues, tummy aches, diabetes, heart problems. She seems agreeable here as well, but again, offers no feedback. Just shakes her head yes. I think it all falls on deaf ears and it out of her brain as soon as the discussion ends.

I have asked the school if they have any resources on any behavior classes or counseling for kids like her and I get nothing. They tell me to go to her doctor. Her doctor only seems to focus on her weight and doesn't seem to hear me when I mention the other issues. I truly don't think its an ADD related issue from the research I've done on the disorder. Any words of advice would be deeply appreciated.
I'm a teacher, and it might be due to privacy concerns, but what worries me here is more what isn't said than what is. For example, is she working on grade level in reading and math? Isn't there some kind of planner or homework folder or some way to communicate with the teacher besides relying on her? Also, holding a student back for incomplete work would be unjustifiable. Grade retention is statistically very bad for children, and there needs to be a very good reason to do it - one that will outweigh all the negatives. And I'm not seeing anything like that. Certainly behavioral problems would suggest NOT holding back.

Has she been tested for disabilities? And if not, why not? Have you spoken to the principal and the counselors?

It also concerns me that her teacher calls her moody and bossy. That does not sound like a professional opinion. I would question the teacher's ability to create a sense of kindness and community in the classroom if that is his/her way of looking at things.

The over-eating is strange and would suggest either she isn't getting enough food or she has some kind of eating disorder in the making. Again, why isn't she getting counseling? Also, have you been restricting her food intake and putting her on caloric diets - very bad for kids, and could create eating problems? And most importantly, is she actually overweight?

What do you mean when you say you got "nothing" from the school? Who did you ask? There is no such thing as behavior class, but there is counseling, and there is disability testing. And what about private counseling?

These are all the questions that you need to get answers to. There doesn't seem to be very good communication with the school.
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Old 02-02-2018, 05:38 PM
 
718 posts, read 838,406 times
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As others said, she needs to be evaluated by psychiatrists. If something is diagnosed, their letter will be used for a 504 plan or even IEP.

We've been battling similar issues for years. The one saving grace has been good teachers + good principals + a doctor letter that helps to get the 504 in place (or IEP if that proves necessary). The trick is balancing your child's need for stability in school and finding the right school/teacher.

"Moody" is a term others have described our child with, some even suggesting our child is abused. Seriously, it's a very lonely road until you meet parents with similar children and you can breathe again.
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Old 02-02-2018, 08:06 PM
 
Location: Independent Republic of Ballard
6,130 posts, read 4,342,119 times
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"She comes home every night and we ask what school work she has, she tells us she has nothing to do except read for 15 minutes."

You can start by not letting her hoodwink you. It is just her way of getting out of doing home work, and you're letting her get away with it. How long has she been doing this? She's in the 4th grade and you're only now beginning to wonder why she has no homework to do???? Stop being a wimp.

Get to the bottom of what is happening. If she's avoiding it because of "challenges", ignoring it solves absolutely nothing. The overeating could be because of the stress and conflicts. If the school has a counselor, go see her/him. If not, go see the principal.
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Old 02-02-2018, 08:31 PM
 
Location: Seattle, WA
12,839 posts, read 23,168,735 times
Reputation: 12219
Quote:
Originally Posted by KenBrookMom View Post
Looking for any advice. My 9 year old daughter has been struggling at school in 3rd and 4th grade. Its to the point that I think her teacher is hinting towards holding her back. She comes home every night and we ask what school work she has, she tells us she has nothing to do except read for 15 minutes. I get emails from her teacher almost weekly about her missing 5-10 assignments. We do what we can to make them up but I can't understand why it won't stop. When her teacher asks her why she didn't do the work, she tells him she didn't know about it or just doesn't respond. When we ask her why she didn't do it, she says she lost it. Sometimes I wonder if she isn't throwing it away.

Besides the school work issue, she also makes and loses friends daily. Always drama and always hurt feelings. Her teacher has mentioned that kids don't want to be around her because of how bossy and moody she can become. We have SO many talks to her about this. About kindness and sharing. Treating others how you want to be treated. She seems to be agreeable on what we say but doesn't give much for feedback.

She also overeats without our knowledge. Examples: sneaking food late at night, telling people she hasn't eaten when she just did, etc. Constantly saying she's hungry and asking for seconds. We have also had an unbelievable amount of discussions with her about this topic. We talk to her about future health issues, tummy aches, diabetes, heart problems. She seems agreeable here as well, but again, offers no feedback. Just shakes her head yes. I think it all falls on deaf ears and it out of her brain as soon as the discussion ends.

I have asked the school if they have any resources on any behavior classes or counseling for kids like her and I get nothing. They tell me to go to her doctor. Her doctor only seems to focus on her weight and doesn't seem to hear me when I mention the other issues. I truly don't think its an ADD related issue from the research I've done on the disorder. Any words of advice would be deeply appreciated.
Did she have any school issues prior to this?

Our middle child did/does these types of things, but for him it has been a near lifelong struggle (we noticed marked differences in him by the time he was 2). There are certain things he simply just won't do, homework is one of them. Dishes is another. Cleaning up after himself is another one. No amount of redirecting, threats, punishments, etc, will compel him otherwise. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, Conduct Disorder (this one I don't entirely agree with), Encopresis (yes, he poops himself), throws temper tantrums regularly, and is incredibly impulsive. If things aren't entirely "fair" for him, he flips out. He has had a trauma assessment (which revealed none, but they did suggest he get tested for autism {but we can't find anybody locally who will test him because of his age }), and presents as much younger than the 13 he is about to be (he is still interested in things that would be more appropriate for 7 year olds).

He also overeats, and sneaks food constantly. He is not overweight, but I think he doesn't know how to control the impulse. He wants something, so he goes and gets it.

Our other two children are nothing like this, the oldest has given us a more normal set of problems (mischief/etc), and the youngest has been a piece of cake.

My sister acted exactly how you described starting around the age of 10. She has only been diagnosed with ADHD, and was a complete mess throughout her teens. She is an adult now, and is pretty functional, if not still a little lost.

I hope you can get in front of this quickly OP. Seek second, third, fourth opinions. The school will likely only deal with it to a point, and may not direct you to as much help as you'd think (this has been our experience).
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Old 02-02-2018, 08:43 PM
 
5,561 posts, read 7,623,642 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
In 4th grade, I would expect the teacher to still send home a daily or weekly checklist of homework so that you could supervise. This needs to be implemented immediately.

How does your DD do on the work that you do see?

Has she had a full medical workup? Does she seem depressed? Eating emotionally? Could she actually be hungry? How active is she? Have you tried putting her in any activities or are you active together as a family? Does your daughter try to hurt herself or does she seem
angry?

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you find some answers.
At that age we expect them to write it in their planner.

Sounds like she needs to be evaluated.
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