Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think it works best when grandparents just do a day or two a week. There are often extras when they are older in the school holidays and the big problem is when they get sick and cannot be at daycare.
My daughter had her first child in England and had to decide on a nanny versus daycare centre. She went for the daycare after observing so many nannies on their phones ignoring their charges. But daughter decided to move home when the issue of sick days became acute. Rang me one night to see if I would come over to mind him, having exhausting all other options. Being a twenty-four hour flight of course I had to say no!
Too much looking after the grandkids becomes too exhausting and resentment builds up on both sides. The parents have their rules about junk food and television and other media. Grandparents get stressed when we see jumping on lounges, gobbling food etc.
They are atheists, too, so no going with grandpa to the Christmas concert at church or listening to a CD of (religious) Christmas music.
Personally, that would be where I would draw the line.
We as Americans are a Christian people living in a nation that was founded by Protestant Christians.
Over 4/5 of Americans celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior every holiday season through attending Christmas concerts and services, listening to religious Christmas music, decorating our homes, etc.
If my child or their spouse told me I couldn't play "It Came Upon The Midnight Clear," "Go Tell It On the Mountain" or any other religious-themed Christmas song in *MY* home while my grandchildren were over, I think I would literally take matters into my own hands and slap them across the face like my parents or grandparents would have.
Lest you forget, you're still the parent, my dear.
I'm a grandma who did babysit. I already had eight grandchildren but was not the "day care gran" because I still worked a full-time job. The company closed when the next grandchild was born and so I took care of her several days a week. That was 18 years ago.
I kept her clean, fed and loved. I had already raised five of my own so I had a pretty good handle on what worked. Four years later, she was joined by a sister and I took care of her too.
Years passed and I survived open heart surgery and cancer surgery. Of course, I wasn't minding children during those times, but once recovered, I minded them from time to time - sick day, snow day, Summer vaca.'
A couple of years ago, they had a Little Surprise, and he's the joy and treasure of everybody. A little imp and a natural comedian. While I'd love to be his caregiver, I'm now 82 and healthwise not up to his antics.
He has another grandma who is doing the babysitting a couple of days a week (Dad works split shifts and is able to handle the duty the rest of the time.
Maybe the OP would rather it be anyone except the MIL? MIL raised the man you fell in love with and married so he must have turned out okay, right?
Personally, I think that many parents who place so many restrictions on what a child can/cannot eat, wear, watch, listen to, are not the ones who have to enforce it when they go off to work and assign the duty to someone else.
I wouldn't do it. Not full time, no way. And I love my mom and my in-laws. But OP, you've left out a lot of details--is your husband wanting his mother to watch the kiddo because you all can't afford child care? Did the two of you not discuss this before having kids?
Every single friend I have had with grandparent care has had issues. The thing is, if you aren't paying them or even if you're paying them but way below market rate, they are doing YOU a favor, and if they do all kinds of things you don't like, you have to suck it up and take it. They're giving up their free time--if that means they feed your kids fruit loops for breakfast, boxed mac and cheese for lunch, and white bread mayo sandwiches with chips on the side for dinner--well, they're free, so you can't say boo to that. If they don't care about naps and schedules for your baby, you can't say anything because you aren't paying them.
We've had nannies and we've done daycare, and I wouldn't trade that. It's expensive, but so worth it! And our nannies have *loved* our kids, but they also take orders from us. Our parents are all retired and they do come and take our kids for a few days here and there each year, like when our nanny has vacation time--but it is night and day from when our nanny is home. My in-laws are homebodies, so they will keep our kids indoors the entire day, usually in their pajamas their entire day, and eating ice cream or other treats, so the kids will be crazy energetic by the time I get home because they haven't been to the park or outside at all. Then my mom is the polar opposite and is a go-go-go type of person, so when she comes, she'll take the kids out places and miss naps, and forget their feeding times, so when we get back the kids are happy but exhausted/cranky/hungry. Yes, our parents love our kids, but they have no clue what their daily schedule is like and they're retired and want to be fun grandparents, not teachers/disciplinarians/nutritionists.
And FYI--our parents grandparent completely different from how they parent. Geez, 35 years have passed since we were babies. My husband's parent were world class hoverers when he was growing up and super involved, but now they're in their 70s and are content to just sit on the sofa watching our kids play. My mom was extremely structured when I was growing up, because she had to be, as a working mom with 6 kids. But she is not structured AT ALL as a grandparent. When she has our kids overnight, she'll "forget" about breakfast until like 9 am (our kids are up at 6) until they are begging her for breakfast, because she's in her 70s and has that older person reduced appetite. Like, she will happily eat just a few oranges for breakfast and meanwhile, my kids are starving. When I was growing up, she would make enormous breakfasts with biscuits and gravy and sausage and eggs. These days she's super healthy, so she'll serve my kids an orange, a small fat free yogurt, and a sprinkle of granola and then they are hungry again an hour later. haha Or like, she'll give them an egg white omlette with spinach in it and they are 2 and 4 and won't eat it. lol.
Grandparent care is so much better in small doses. Trust me. Use the grandparents for date nights or the occasional weekend away with just your husband--not every day care.
Has anyone used grandparents as daycare? What was your experience?
DH doesn’t want to send LO to daycare when my leave is over but wants grandparents to watch the baby instead. I’m not a fan of this as I think it will lead to issues. My MIL already thinks baby belongs to her. I feel like having her watch him a few times a week will further feed into her belief. My main concern is she will think she can do whatever she wants because she’s a third parent. And it will cause me to resent her and always worry when I’m at work.
If you used grandparents, how did you set boundaries? Please reassure me it’s a positive thing!
Well, obviously, she is not a third parent - what does she do/say that makes you feel this way? Does she try to tell you how to do things and how to handle situations with the baby? Does she criticize your choices about things and try to undermine you as a parent? Do the two of you have very different ideas about how to raise a child? If so, please give some examples.
When you say that your "main concern is she will think she can do whatever she wants because she’s a third parent" - what does that mean, exactly? What are you afraid she will do? If you could be a little more specific about your concerns, it would be easier to give you the advice and opinions that you are seeking.
I can certainly understand the concern about things like that one poster mentioned - giving a 6 month old Oreo cookies is beyond ridiculous. What would you "always worry" about when you're at work?
I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home from work and care for my daughter for several years after she was born. I didn't want to leave her with "strangers" until she was old enough to talk and able to tell me how they treated her, etc.
Without knowing specific details about your concerns, the best advice I can offer you is that you weigh the pros and cons of using your MIL vs. a daycare situation. Unless there are serious consequences to leaving your baby with her grandmother, I think it would behoove you to compare the advantages and disadvantages of leaving your baby with the MIL or with a daycare center. There are pros and cons to both choices, as I'm sure you know.
It sounds a little bit like you fear that your son will also think of her as a third parent. Otherwise, why do you say that you would resent her? Your son is most likely going to grow up knowing that he has a grandmother who loves him very much, and not think that he has two mothers.
I'd go with daycare. First off, does he really think his parents want to babysit all day 5 days a week? They've raised their children already. Daycare offers opportunities that grandparents cannot offer. Socialization is a HUGE deal. Save the grandparents for a date night or once in awhile thing.
I think it depends a lot on the age of the children, and the grandparents themselves. A grandparent who is attentive, engaged, and is willing/able to provide enriching activities is ideal, especially at the infant and toddler stages. But some grandparents physically aren’t up to task on a daily basis, or just park a kid in front of the TV and go about their day; in those situations, I think a daycare center is the better choice.
My kids are school-age now, but even if their grandparents offered to watch them (they really can’t, anyway) I’d still pay through the nose for daycamp all summer. Not because I don’t trust them or would kvetch about them not following “our rules” (I’m way past the stage of worrying about the kids being fed chips for lunch or something), but because they need more activities and interaction than sitting on the couch all summer, glued to their tablets. Their grandparents are wonderful in small doses, but all day all summer would not be fair to anyone involved.
Personally, I think that many parents who place so many restrictions on what a child can/cannot eat, wear, watch, listen to, are not the ones who have to enforce it when they go off to work and assign the duty to someone else.
Well, as someone who did put "restrictions" on their kids, I couldn't disagree more. When I asked my MIL not to put the baby in front of the TV, I was speaking as someone who didn't even HAVE a TV at that time. All my rules were made with my child's best interests in mind, and I did follow them.
I noticed that my MIL took my rules personally. SHE had given her own kids cookies, so if I asked her not to give my kids cookies, I was implicitly criticizing her parenting. And of course it would be easier for her to park the baby in front of the TV (and for her to kick back on the couch at the same time), so my TV rule must have been made just to make her life harder. After all, TV hadn't hurt her kids any, now had it?
It was awful, really. We have a good relationship now, but it was a struggle to get there.
Wow. Some of these responses are so nasty. This person is probably less than 3 months postpartum and dealing with everything that comes with returning to work.
Another way to look at it is that it can be hard on the grandparent. I know a grandma who takes care of her grandkids a toddler and an infant several days a week and sometimes more. She and her kids don’t have a parenting problem but she is in her 70’s and although healthy is not always up to the task of handling these young children. I’ve seen her come home completely exhausted (we’re neighbors).
She doesn’t want to disappoint her kids but I think they are taking advantage of her. She’s worked all her life both outside the home and raising them. I think she deserves a rest.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
MIL raised the man you fell in love with and married so he must have turned out okay, right?
