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Old 02-13-2018, 11:23 PM
 
5,908 posts, read 3,147,733 times
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Well, here we are on page seventeen and there are some questions that have still not been asked or answered, questions that I believe can very telling in the family dynamic - so here goes:

Who does his laundry?
Who makes his bed?
Who dusts and vacuums his room?
Can he fry an egg, make a pot of sauce or throw a steak on the grill?
Who cuts the lawn, shovels the snow, rakes the leaves and cleans the gutters?
Would he paint the front door or a desk chair?
Has he ever changed a lightbulb?
Does he own a car in his own name?
Did he go out and buy it by himself?
Does he change the oil or take it in for service himself?
Is his phone service in his own name?

These questions can all be answered as a yes/no or in a very few words. The answers may do more to describe the situation than anything written so far.
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Old 02-14-2018, 04:04 AM
 
4,281 posts, read 1,962,193 times
Reputation: 4636
[quote=Unsworth;50984521]

OP - neither of my sons - in their 30's have any girlfriends yet. The one is very social - but doesn't really see his friends due to the fact they now have families and other commitments. This one still lives at home due to medical problems.

The 2nd son lived at home until he was 27 as he paid off his entire student loan balance and saved a bit before accepting a job in Ala and moving. He's only had one girlfriend and limited friends as he's socially awkward - he's a nerd - but the best guy any girl could ever land due to his morals and ethics. He just hasn't found her yet.

If you are happy with the living arrangements and he is - no need to push him to move.

Obviously some folks here would disagree but that is their opinion. Making him move will not change his current situation if he is more of an introvert and he'll hopefully come to the realization that he wants more out of life or he may always be content with it.

I loved having both boys home! They helped out with repairs and household chores. As soon as the one can straighten out his medical situation - he intends to move as he wants to have a life of his own - but I'll miss him.
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Old 02-14-2018, 08:08 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,151,126 times
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I told my son about this thread last night.


He is 26 at home and hangs out with his 17 yr. old brother. They play video games, watch anime, play chess, etc. His friends are all online friends. He holds down a job with full benefits, has a bank acct, two credit cards and an IRA. He pays rent and does his share of the housework. He cooks dinner, fixes things around the house when needed, helps us with our computers, wifi, etc and helps his brother with his homework.


After our discussion, he decided he is going to focus more on saving money to move out. I explained Marc's philosophy to him and he understood. The problem I think is that it's just so convenient and comfortable for all of us. He is not a burden, he is an asset to us. And of course it makes life easier for him. But when I mentioned what Marc said, I think it clicked for both of us. He can be "comfortable" in retirement. Now is the time that should be challenging.
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Old 02-14-2018, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Johnson City, TN
20,161 posts, read 14,551,668 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
I told my son about this thread last night.

He is 26 at home and hangs out with his 17 yr. old brother. They play video games, watch anime, play chess, etc. His friends are all online friends. He holds down a job with full benefits, has a bank acct, two credit cards and an IRA. He pays rent and does his share of the housework. He cooks dinner, fixes things around the house when needed, helps us with our computers, wifi, etc and helps his brother with his homework.

After our discussion, he decided he is going to focus more on saving money to move out. I explained Marc's philosophy to him and he understood. The problem I think is that it's just so convenient and comfortable for all of us. He is not a burden, he is an asset to us. And of course it makes life easier for him. But when I mentioned what Marc said, I think it clicked for both of us. He can be "comfortable" in retirement. Now is the time that should be challenging.
I was about to lose my job in Indiana in 2016 when I was 30. I got a job back home in Tennessee, and moved back in with my parents for awhile. I paid a third of the mortgage and utilities, as well as new appliances and things around the house.

My mom is extremely lazy with things like housekeeping and laundry. Dad worked ten hour days and second shift, and I'd end up doing laundry for three people. Did the push mowing for my parents and grandmother. Got grandmothers groceries most of the time. I did almost all of the cleaning. We had five cats, so someone was always wanting to be fed or a litterbox needed cleaning out. If mom was left to her own devices, it would be hoarder hell.

It was much, much more work living at home, basically taking care of mom, grandma, and five cats, than living on my own. I ended up buying a cheap condo last year.
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Old 02-14-2018, 08:52 AM
 
442 posts, read 187,527 times
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The above two stories are situations where sons earn enough money and are able to afford living on their own. There are adult kids who don't have the skills and brains to earn enough to pay their own rent, food, utilities, and insurance.
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Old 02-14-2018, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
26,186 posts, read 16,866,580 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Sucks View Post
The above two stories are situations where sons earn enough money and are able to afford living on their own. There are adult kids who don't have the skills and brains to earn enough to pay their own rent, food, utilities, and insurance.
That's quite a negative jump.

They are just content to be at home, and stay in their comfort zone. I'm not saying I think that is healthy for them in the long run, but it doesn't mean they lack brains or competencies.
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Old 02-14-2018, 09:22 AM
Status: "Two pit bull fatalities in 3 days - BSL NOW" (set 7 days ago)
 
870 posts, read 232,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Sucks View Post
The above two stories are situations where sons earn enough money and are able to afford living on their own. There are adult kids who don't have the skills and brains to earn enough to pay their own rent, food, utilities, and insurance.
I agree, although I would add they lack drive and motivation. I think these manfants do have the brains and skills to support themselves but because they have milquetoast parents, they take the path of least resistance. While most people are eager to grow up and become independent adults, there are others that subscribe to "why grow up if I don't have to"?
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:35 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,151,126 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Winter Sucks View Post
The above two stories are situations where sons earn enough money and are able to afford living on their own. There are adult kids who don't have the skills and brains to earn enough to pay their own rent, food, utilities, and insurance.
Then there are those indulging in the NEET lifestyle: Not in Education, Employment or Training. They take pride in this and reinforce each other's decision to basically sponge off of their parents or other relatives. They think anyone who works for a living is a sucker.
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:45 AM
 
9,048 posts, read 5,414,758 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
I told my son about this thread last night.


He is 26 at home and hangs out with his 17 yr. old brother. They play video games, watch anime, play chess, etc. His friends are all online friends. He holds down a job with full benefits, has a bank acct, two credit cards and an IRA. He pays rent and does his share of the housework. He cooks dinner, fixes things around the house when needed, helps us with our computers, wifi, etc and helps his brother with his homework.


After our discussion, he decided he is going to focus more on saving money to move out. I explained Marc's philosophy to him and he understood. The problem I think is that it's just so convenient and comfortable for all of us. He is not a burden, he is an asset to us. And of course it makes life easier for him. But when I mentioned what Marc said, I think it clicked for both of us. He can be "comfortable" in retirement. Now is the time that should be challenging.
Right! You got it.

And to the parents who encourage these adults never leaving home - it's not about you - you had your young adulthood. You managed to get your own life and your own home. Let them have a chance to do what you did. Let them accomplish something on their own.
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Old 02-14-2018, 12:19 PM
 
1,276 posts, read 654,333 times
Reputation: 3122
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella View Post
Nobody has to be a playboy or the life of a party. But dating is some of the most basic fun you can have when you are young. He's missing that because he's been provided with a bubble in which to hide. Romantic love is a pillar of a good life. You don't find it sitting at home with a brother who is less than half your age.

But dating is the least of the problems. Being strong, independent, and competent means living on your own steam. Conquering the world and captaining the ship of your life. Not sitting in the dark, safe engine room of someone else's boat.

This 30 year old man is functionally avoiding life, not living it. And I find that him hanging around with a 14 year old kid is problematical. That shows a severe maturity problem at best. I don't care if it's his brother, it's peculiar. Even if it's innocent, it's not great for the 14 year old either, who should be hanging with his own friends and developing into the adult he is soon to become. Not providing emotional support to a lonely older brother. Big brother should be offering guidance and role modeling strength and independence. Not avoidance and idly marking time in the safety of mommy's house.

Look, the OP wrote in looking for confirmation because she knows something is just not right. She knows it. That's why she wrote in. I am agreeing with her. A 30 year old should be out and about, in his own home, driving his own car, running his own existence, and fulfilling his own dreams. THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. And the OP wishes it were, and is right to wish that it were.

And please don't tell me about expenses. If he has a low level job, I'll amend: He should be living with a roommate in a small apartment, riding his bike or taking the subway, paying his share of the household bills, and dreaming and taking action to move up from the job he is doing to the job he wants to do one day in the future. That struggle is superior and more life-affirming then comfortably taking refuge in your parents home.

Not the end of the world. It's very late, he's 10 years from being 40, but it's not too late.

I would start a transition period and plan to get him on his own, where he belongs, and where he will be independent, competent, and ultimately happy.

The job of parenting has been described as providing roots and wings. The roots were finished long ago. But the wings have been clipped in this case, and if they are to grow back, this 30 year old adult needs to be on his own and living under his own steam.
Wow, well said!
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