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If everyone is happy with the arrangement, then I don’t see a problem. I would be a little concerned about the lack of friends... does he have any interests outside of work? Or work buddies? Though then again, if he’s happy, why worry? Not everyone has to do the wife-house-kids-dog-picket fence thing.
I also don't see the problem with adult children sharing a home with their parents as long as it's mutually beneficial to all. My own recently turned 27 yr old son lives with us. Although he graduated college, and has a job nearby in his field of study he can't quite afford the high rents around here. We have the space so it just makes sense right now. But, he does have a serious girlfriend, and a very active social life.
While it's great that your sons are close, I would hope that your 14 yr old does have friends outside the home, and doesn't turn down plans with them in order to keep his brother company. It would be one thing if your older son just prefers his own solitude, but if he relies on his younger brother for entertainment, that could be detrimental to both of them.
Tricky subject. We have close friends who is in a similar situation with their 25+ year old son.
He had been in rehab a couple of times for a drug addiction, has had it under control for several years, but continues to live at home. Has solid, full time employment, owns a nice car and the latest electronics, pays rent to his parents, but apparently enjoys the safety zone that their home offers to him.
I would think he would want more, but I can't see them pushing him out either.
But this isn't the same situation at all. Your close friends' son sounds like he is high risk, clearly with mental health / addiction issues that will stay with him his whole life. It is fantastic that he is doing well now. But that is completely different from the OP. The OP's son appears to be more of a personality difference, and with no history of conflicts/issues.
I have known people like this, who turn out just fine. Might not be the life you or I might choose, but I think we all need to be better about realizing that most people don't live the lives of a happy TV sitcom. And some people have modest goals. Not all people want to stretch their wings too far, get married young or live an outgoing and riskier life.
Honestly, I am more worried about folks who leave home and get married at 22.... Out of my friends who married young, only one intact couple remains, and some of those friends are already on their 3rd marriages. What a mess.
After reading all the previous posts, and based on my personal experiences with straight, gay, extroverted and the socially withdrawn (who were rare, for obvious reasons), your son sounds like a well-balanced, somewhat introverted, family-centric, asexual, at least for the foreseeable future.
If he shares that he feels isolated or unhappy, that is the concern that must be addressed.
Be thankful that he is not claiming to be a 9 year old in a 30 yo mans body as a defense against pedophilia.
I am being neither sarcastic or funny here, but there are many GOOD ways to live a happy life, as we are finding out every day.
OP, I asked specifically if he paid RENT or expenses (like utilities, but of course that includes food, etc.). You didn't mention that at all in the first post, which I found surprising in this kind of thread (kid in his 30s living at home).
I then added,
Quote:
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012
... If he DOESN'T pay rent or contribute to other household expenses, then even if you don't mind (which may be the case), to me that would be a huge red flag because it seems childlike and irresponsible for a 30-year-old. Then again, my parents moved 3,000 miles away just after I graduated from high school, and they didn't pay ANYTHING toward my college costs, so I became totally independent at 18. Honestly, it was rough sometimes, but I think independence is a great gift from parents to children.
You replied,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsworth
He more than covers his expenses. He does not take advantage of us in any way.
That's about as vague as you can get, which tells me he doesn't actually pay RENT (because you would have said so if he did), but you also don't feel "taken advantage of" -- which is fine, since it sounds like it works for you even if it sounds odd to others. I would find it problematic, given the other things you mentioned (no friends, no romantic partner) -- well, more sad than problematic. I just can't imagine being 30 years old and being content to be so dependent on my parents and teenage brother (although I acknowledge that many cultures certainly do not share the idea that independence is a good thing).
You might ask him if he still sees himself living with you at 35? at 40? at 50? And OP, would you be OK with that?
Honestly, that's the way many families lived for generations. It Also helped seniors from getting lonely and having to hire help to stay independent.
We could learn a lot from close families theses days. Although many of us don't have the luxury even if we wanted it. Work and work instability can keep us far from our families.
That's about as vague as you can get, which tells me he doesn't actually pay RENT (because you would have said so if he did), but you also don't feel "taken advantage of" -- which is fine, since it sounds like it works for you even if it sounds odd to others. I would find it problematic, given the other things you mentioned (no friends, no romantic partner) -- well, more sad than problematic. I just can't imagine being 30 years old and being content to be so dependent on my parents and teenage brother (although I acknowledge that many cultures certainly do not share the idea that independence is a good thing).
You might ask him if he still sees himself living with you at 35? at 40? at 50? And OP, would you be OK with that?
Karen made some good points and had two great questions. "You might ask him if he still sees himself living with you at 35? at 40? at 50? And OP, would you be OK with that?"
If everyone is happy with the arrangement, then I don’t see a problem. I would be a little concerned about the lack of friends... does he have any interests outside of work? Or work buddies? Though then again, if he’s happy, why worry? Not everyone has to do the wife-house-kids-dog-picket fence thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I also don't see the problem with adult children sharing a home with their parents as long as it's mutually beneficial to all. My own recently turned 27 yr old son lives with us. Although he graduated college, and has a job nearby in his field of study he can't quite afford the high rents around here. We have the space so it just makes sense right now. But, he does have a serious girlfriend, and a very active social life.
While it's great that your sons are close, I would hope that your 14 yr old does have friends outside the home, and doesn't turn down plans with them in order to keep his brother company. It would be one thing if your older son just prefers his own solitude, but if he relies on his younger brother for entertainment, that could be detrimental to both of them.
^^^ These two.
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