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Old 02-11-2018, 08:34 AM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,123 posts, read 28,266,484 times
Reputation: 20164

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unsworth View Post
We have a son, one of four children, who is 30, and lives at home. He has a younger brother who is 14. He is a college graduate and has a great job. When he got this job he decided to live with us because it was within commuting range and he could save money by not having to pay for an apartment. We had no problem with that. He is an excellent son. No problems whatsoever. He is quiet by nature and reserved. He hangs out with his brother a lot. (We are a close knit family) At this rate, it looks like he could live with us for a long time. He does not have a girlfriend. He does not hang out with any male friends either. Am I too concerned about this? If he is content does it really matter?
If he's happy and you're happy then that's all that matters.
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Old 02-11-2018, 08:41 AM
 
1,755 posts, read 982,185 times
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My opinion is that i would be very concerned. Not having a girlfriend is one thing...but a young man without any friends at all? There is something going in there imo. Does he have hobbies and things he likes to do for fun? Is he overweight, and perhaps that is what is sapping his confidence?

I dont necessarily think its bad that he likes to hang out with his brother, just concerning his brother is his only social outlet.
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Old 02-11-2018, 09:59 AM
 
3,747 posts, read 3,043,028 times
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There is nothing wrong with multiple generations living under the same roof, if all are happy with the arrangement.

You might encourage your son to join a travel club to get a little variation in his life. They can be just the thing for a single person reluctant to travel alone
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Old 02-11-2018, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,065 posts, read 14,366,090 times
Reputation: 34090
Quote:
Originally Posted by sfcambridge View Post
Honestly, that's the way many families lived for generations. It Also helped seniors from getting lonely and having to hire help to stay independent.

We could learn a lot from close families theses days. Although many of us don't have the luxury even if we wanted it. Work and work instability can keep us far from our families.
Well, not exactly. The OP's son does not date or has ever had a girl friend. At least at this point he is never going to produce another "generation". I doubt if too many families lived that way "for generations" if their children never had children.

You can have a close family without living in the same house.
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Old 02-11-2018, 11:33 AM
 
2,986 posts, read 2,954,196 times
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Some people are very introverted. Some people are not interested in having sex with another person. Some people don't want to have children.

If he is happy this way, and it works for you guys, I think that's great. I'm just sad for him that after you guys are both gone, and his younger brother is off and married and probably moves away, he's going to be alone. On the other hand, he's probably going to be the one to take care of/coordinate care for the two of you in your old age, which is wonderful for you guys, as you won't have to leave your home.

Is he responsible about saving and investing for retirement? You already said he's paying more than his share of the operating costs of the home, and if that's so, it's ridiculous to charge him rent. And if he turns into the one who is doing the lion's share of coordinating your old age care at home, which is his home, too, it seems that he should then inherit the house.

The main issue is, is he happy this way? If it's that he really would like to have friends and a relationship, but doesn't know how to do it, there are group therapy sessions that can help him learn how to connect with others socially, romantically, sexually. But if he really doesn't want these things, then you should happily accept that he will live with you for the rest of your lives. In a way, lucky you! Just as long as HE doesn't want more from life.
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Old 02-11-2018, 12:34 PM
 
1,755 posts, read 982,185 times
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I just find it hard to believe that he is happy with not ever having a girlfriend and not ever having any friends. One or the other might be plausible albeit rare, but both? I highly doubt it.
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Old 02-11-2018, 12:41 PM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
6,448 posts, read 11,065,003 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Is he responsible about saving and investing for retirement? You already said he's paying more than his share of the operating costs of the home, and if that's so, it's ridiculous to charge him rent.
Well, no, the OP DIDN'T say that the 30-year-old is "paying more than his share of the operating costs of the home." Not sure how you got that from the OP's answer to my earlier question about rent/expenses; his answer was, and I quote, "He more than covers his expenses" -- which could mean about a hundred different things, from "Well, he pays his own cell phone bill" to "He pays rent plus his share of utilities plus his share of groceries plus his personal expenses like his cell phone." HUGE difference in those responses, obviously, so it feels like the OP was being deliberately vague (which is his prerogative, of course).

But hence, my follow-up question about rent, since the OP didn't really answer my question.

And I still wonder what the "kid" would say if his father asked him if he planned to still be living there at 35, 40, 50, etc. -- and how the father and mother would feel about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
And if he turns into the one who is doing the lion's share of coordinating your old age care at home, which is his home, too, it seems that he should then inherit the house.
You're projecting DECADES into the future to speculate that the son will take care of his parents in their old age, but there's no basis for any of that from anything the OP has written. And you're already writing about inheritances?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
The main issue is, is he happy this way? If it's that he really would like to have friends and a relationship, but doesn't know how to do it, there are group therapy sessions that can help him learn how to connect with others socially, romantically, sexually. But if he really doesn't want these things, then you should happily accept that he will live with you for the rest of your lives. In a way, lucky you! Just as long as HE doesn't want more from life.
I don't know too many parents who would want or "happily accept" an adult child living with them FOREVER, but then again, the OP and his wife might be fine with it -- in which case, good for them & their son, although many (including me) would still find it SAD, not "lucky." I think independence in adult children is a really good thing.
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Old 02-11-2018, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Northern VA (for now)
22,093 posts, read 30,568,177 times
Reputation: 28652
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
I just find it hard to believe that he is happy with not ever having a girlfriend and not ever having any friends. One or the other might be plausible albeit rare, but both? I highly doubt it.
Maybe he is unlike most people and he is okay with his own company and doesnít see it worth the effort to create a bunch of superficial connections just to say he isnít alone. Just a thought. I just hate the stigma society assigns to us loners.
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Old 02-11-2018, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,065 posts, read 14,366,090 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012 View Post
Well, no, the OP DIDN'T say that the 30-year-old is "paying more than his share of the operating costs of the home." Not sure how you got that from the OP's answer to my earlier question about rent/expenses; his answer was, and I quote, "He more than covers his expenses" -- which could mean about a hundred different things, from "Well, he pays his own cell phone bill" to "He pays rent plus his share of utilities plus his share of groceries plus his personal expenses like his cell phone." HUGE difference in those responses, obviously, so it feels like the OP was being deliberately vague (which is his prerogative, of course).

But hence, my follow-up question about rent, since the OP didn't really answer my question.

And I still wonder what the "kid" would say if his father asked him if he planned to still be living there at 35, 40, 50, etc. -- and how the father and mother would feel about it.
(snip) .
The way that the OP evaded the question about the son paying rent/expenses, I also assumed that he was not paying rent, or his share of the utilities, or his share of the groceries, etc. I am guessing that he may pay his own cell phone bill, his car payment and buy his own clothes ----something that many HS age teenagers do when they live at home.
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Old 02-11-2018, 02:35 PM
 
Location: 44N 89W
802 posts, read 295,094 times
Reputation: 664
Cut the umbilical cord.
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