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I once met a young man at a bar that I was chatting with and I commented he must have his choice of the ladies, as he was quite a handsome man. He said actually, he hadn't had a date in so long. He said he "wondered if it might be because he still lives at home"!!! He was 30 years old, nice looking, college educated, had a well-paying job, and was well-dressed. I told him, WONDER NO MORE! That is EXACTLY why no woman will go out with you! I worked with a couple of young women his age and younger that already owned their own homes (condos)! I'm pretty sure they made less money that he did but they certainly had bigger balls! I told him to man up, stop being a loser, and move out of his parent's proverbial basement. He wanted to "save money for a house". I said to save money while you're paying rent. Get a roommate. Get a second job. He made the argument that women should appreciate his financial prudence and his goal of saving for a house. Nope, that's not how it works buddy. All they see is an overgrown baby who can't cut the apron strings and isn't willing to make sacrifices to reach his goals. No quality woman is going to be dating a man still living at home past college age. He seemed dumbfounded by this. ~smh~
THIS is so true and a huge reason why I decided to start dating older men!
He is 26 at home and hangs out with his 17 yr. old brother. They play video games, watch anime, play chess, etc. His friends are all online friends. He holds down a job with full benefits, has a bank acct, two credit cards and an IRA. He pays rent and does his share of the housework. He cooks dinner, fixes things around the house when needed, helps us with our computers, wifi, etc and helps his brother with his homework.
After our discussion, he decided he is going to focus more on saving money to move out. I explained Marc's philosophy to him and he understood. The problem I think is that it's just so convenient and comfortable for all of us. He is not a burden, he is an asset to us. And of course it makes life easier for him. But when I mentioned what Marc said, I think it clicked for both of us. He can be "comfortable" in retirement. Now is the time that should be challenging.
life is short. nothing should be "challenging" who made that up??? a load of bull imho
your quote "The problem I think is that it's just so convenient and comfortable for all of us. He is not a burden, he is an asset to us."
please do not dwell on what a poster posted to the point of altering your lives. This is silly and makes no sense whatsoever. Your son is happy, you are too. You consider him an "asset" yet somehow found a problem due to that because of another poster here.
You are all comfortable, he is not a burden. Pays his ways AND helps with repairs, it is convienent. BE HAPPY!!!!! Quit listening to the "you should's" and listen to your own HEART. He will move out as he deems necessary for his own life. As of right now, he is content and happy as you are too.
life is short. Don't fall for the BS stepford people here who say your son and you should be doing this or that. Different goals, different people, different personalities.
life is short. nothing should be "challenging" who made that up??? a load of bull imho
your quote "The problem I think is that it's just so convenient and comfortable for all of us. He is not a burden, he is an asset to us."
please do not dwell on what a poster posted to the point of altering your lives. This is silly and makes no sense whatsoever. Your son is happy, you are too. You consider him an "asset" yet somehow found a problem due to that because of another poster here.
You are all comfortable, he is not a burden. Pays his ways AND helps with repairs, it is convienent. BE HAPPY!!!!! Quit listening to the "you should's" and listen to your own HEART. He will move out as he deems necessary for his own life. As of right now, he is content and happy as you are too.
life is short. Don't fall for the BS stepford people here who say your son and you should be doing this or that. Different goals, different people, different personalities.
I quit a bad job when I was about 22 and my mother allowed me to hang out at home for a time. I paid $400/month and it was super easy and nice. My mother was a real estate agent. At the time, I was not dating either. I took care of repairs and landscaping and worked at Waldbaums (a supermarket), and puttered around the house and really enjoyed having coffee with mom and dad and shooting the sh**. That went on for about a year as I remember. All very comfortable. So I know what all of this is about.
My mother was a real estate agent and one day kind out of nowhere she showed me some pictures of an apartment about 20 miles away. She said it was perfect and I would really like it. OK.... but I wasn't really looking for an apartment. Then a couple of days later... let's go look at it. We did, it was cool and I could afford it if I wanted to, which I didn't really want to. But I was kind of getting a message. There was plenty of room in our house and I was the opposite of trouble.
I can't really afford furniture was my next excuse. My mom counteroffered. I'll get you started. I'll lend you $1,000 and we can go to the cheap furniture store. We went. I was getting the message. She was kicking me out in a loving way. Once we got to the stage of buying the couch, table, bed, end tables, coffee table, etc., I started getting psyched. IT WAS GOING TO BE PRETTY AMAZING to be in my own cool apartment.
My mom LOVED having me around too, but she knew what was best for a young adult. She kicked me out with enthusiasm and offered to help if I needed it. But I didn't need it. I just needed to be kicked out. Once you are in your own PHYSICAL space, you realize that LIFE IS ON YOU and you have to live it for yourself, and BY yourself. It wasn't long before I was dating either. I had my own digs to come back to after all.
I saw the wisdom of all this later, and although mom has been gone for quite some time, I APPRECIATE HER to this day for kicking me out and not letting me be comfortable and safe.... and USELESS.
Thanks mom!
Last edited by Marc Paolella; 02-14-2018 at 01:18 PM..
He more than covers his expenses. He does not take advantage of us in any way.
Sounds like a dream kid. So you have one that has taken a different path in life than the older two. Big deal, Not eveyone has to to get married, have kids, get divorced etc.
He'll be the uncle the others can rely on. Are people giving you grief over this?
My big midwest extended family, both sides had kids that never got married. I have a cousin who is 80, stayed with her mother her whole life, had tons of nieces and nephews. Her and her mom traveled the world and had so much fun. Father was killed by a horse when mother was pregnant with cousin. 12 kids in family.
I quit a bad job when I was about 22 and my mother allowed me to hang out at home for a time. I paid $400/month and it was super easy and nice. My mother was a real estate agent. At the time, I was not dating either. I took care of repairs and landscaping and worked at Waldbaums (a supermarket), and puttered around the house and really enjoyed having coffee with mom and dad and shooting the sh**. That went on for about a year as I remember. All very comfortable. So I know what all of this is about.
My mother was a real estate agent and one day kind out of nowhere she showed me some pictures of an apartment about 20 miles away. She said it was perfect and I would really like it. OK.... but I wasn't really looking for an apartment. Then a couple of days later... let's go look at it. We did, it was cool and I could afford it if I wanted to, which I didn't really want to. But I was kind of getting a message. There was plenty of room in our house and I was the opposite of trouble.
I can't really afford furniture was my next excuse. My mom counteroffered. I'll get you started. I'll lend you $1,000 and we can go to the cheap furniture store. We went. I was getting the message. She was kicking me out in a loving way. Once we got to the stage of buying the couch, table, bed, end tables, coffee table, etc., I started getting psyched. IT WAS GOING TO BE PRETTY AMAZING to be in my own cool apartment.
My mom LOVED having me around too, but she knew what was best for a young adult. She kicked me out with enthusiasm and offered to help if I needed it. But I didn't need it. I just needed to be kicked out. Once you are in your own PHYSICAL space, you realize that LIFE IS ON YOU and you have to live it for yourself, and BY yourself. It wasn't long before I was dating either. I had my own digs to come back to after all.
I saw the wisdom of all this later, and although mom has been gone for quite some time, I APPRECIATE HER to this day for kicking me out and not letting me be comfortable and safe.... and USELESS.
Thanks mom!
I am glad it all worked out. But per your interpretation of your mom knowing what is best for you "getting kicked out" whether in a loving or not manner doesn't mean it applies to every parent and child. It was best for my own 26 yr old but I cannot speak for others. It certainly wasn't about me as I would've loved it if he had stayed or left. We reap benefits to both.
Our experiences cannot dictate what is best for everyone. If an adult chooses to live at home until marriage, and all are happy, more power to them. That is the right fit for them and everyone involved.
It really IS that old in context, a 30 year old man had no business playing with 14 year old boys as his only means of socialization.
Imagine the man on the left (30 yrs) being best buds with this kid (14 yrs).....
Nice attention-grabbing but misleading photo and post! OP never said his son was best buds with 14-year-old kids; he said that his son socializes with his 14-year-old brother and the brother's friends. Plus, we don't know the exact dynamics of that socialization. But nice try at painting it as something creepy and nefarious.
OP, I do find the situation sad (as do many other posters, clearly). I would find it even sadder if he is the same at 35, 40, 50. As I wrote before, I just can't imagine that living with his parents forever was something HE always wanted to do (I don't know ANYONE for whom that is the case -- most people in the U.S. at least LIKE the idea of being "out on their own" and independent at SOME point) -- and the whole point of you starting this thread was to ask if he was really happy. The fact that you were ASKING that tells me that you sense, at least sometimes, that he's not. And yeah, that's sad.
Does he have to want to date, get married, have kids, buy a house, etc.? Nope, didn't say that. But to be still living with Mom and Dad and best friends with his 16-years-younger brother as he gets older and older and older ...
How do you know that "most" people in the U.S like the idea of being independent or "out on their own" at some point? That may be true, but how do you actually know that, or prove that? You can't speak on behalf of the rest of the country on any topic -- I mean, obviously you can attempt to, but it wouldn't necessarily be accurate.
And just because you have no first-hand knowledge of anyone similar to the OP and his living situation does not automatically make that situation bad or negative. It's easy to fall into the trap of automatically equating things that align with what you perceive to be right or just or appropriate as being right or good, and anything that falls outside those parameters as being "bad" or "weird" or "wrong" in some way. Don't confuse subjectivity with objectivity.
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