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Nobody has to be a playboy or the life of a party. But dating is some of the most basic fun you can have when you are young. He's missing that because he's been provided with a bubble in which to hide. Romantic love is a pillar of a good life. You don't find it sitting at home with a brother who is less than half your age.
But dating is the least of the problems. Being strong, independent, and competent means living on your own steam. Conquering the world and captaining the ship of your life. Not sitting in the dark, safe engine room of someone else's boat.
Love is a tough game. And women are tough.
I'm pretty normal. I went to a top college, have a masters degree, and my girlfriends would call me smart and kind.
I also like arts, cooking, shopping, have an extensive knowledge of music, sports, and I ski, run, and travel as much as possible. Yet dating was extremely tough for me.
It's pretty easy for me to see how certain guys who have much less mainstream interests just opt out. And I don't completely blame them. But, I'm not delving deep into that. There's a whole subforum dedicated to these matters as we all know.
In terms of independence, I think it's overrated. As a matter of fact, the urge to be independent could put you in a mountain of debt. If the guy has a more tranquil lifestyle, and his folks have a big house, I don't see the harm of him living there indefinitely.
We have talked to him and he is seems just fine living here with us. As far as impacting our lifestyle, we live on a place with some acreage and when we get too old to take care of the place we have told him we might downsize. He understands this and has no problem with it. He is easy going. At that point, depending on what we do, he may or may not end up with us.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,718,665 times
Reputation: 41376
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella
Nobody has to be a playboy or the life of a party. But dating is some of the most basic fun you can have when you are young. He's missing that because he's been provided with a bubble in which to hide. Romantic love is a pillar of a good life. You don't find it sitting at home with a brother who is less than half your age.
But dating is the least of the problems. Being strong, independent, and competent means living on your own steam. Conquering the world and captaining the ship of your life. Not sitting in the dark, safe engine room of someone else's boat.
This 30 year old man is functionally avoiding life, not living it. And I find that him hanging around with a 14 year old kid is problematical. That shows a severe maturity problem at best. I don't care if it's his brother, it's peculiar. Even if it's innocent, it's not great for the 14 year old either, who should be hanging with his own friends and developing into the adult he is soon to become. Not providing emotional support to a lonely older brother. Big brother should be offering guidance and role modeling strength and independence. Not avoidance and idly marking time in the safety of mommy's house.
Look, the OP wrote in looking for confirmation because she knows something is just not right. She knows it. That's why she wrote in. I am agreeing with her. A 30 year old should be out and about, in his own home, driving his own car, running his own existence, and fulfilling his own dreams. THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING. And the OP wishes it were, and is right to wish that it were.
And please don't tell me about expenses. If he has a low level job, I'll amend: He should be living with a roommate in a small apartment, riding his bike or taking the subway, paying his share of the household bills, and dreaming and taking action to move up from the job he is doing to the job he wants to do one day in the future. That struggle is superior and more life-affirming then comfortably taking refuge in your parents home.
Not the end of the world. It's very late, he's 10 years from being 40, but it's not too late.
I would start a transition period and plan to get him on his own, where he belongs, and where he will be independent, competent, and ultimately happy.
The job of parenting has been described as providing roots and wings. The roots were finished long ago. But the wings have been clipped in this case, and if they are to grow back, this 30 year old adult needs to be on his own and living under his own steam.
Dating can also be the biggest pile of BS your life can contain. It has been for me and thus why I no longer do it anymore. I don’t blame anyone for opting out of it.
I get hanging mostly with a 14 year old isn’t a good look but otherwise, if the parents are okay with it and he is contributing, I see no problem with the OP kid not getting into the millennial checklist rat race.
Eh, it's his brother, they live in the same house, and airsoft is an age-appropriate game for both. It's not like he's going drinking with random teenagers in the park.
It's his brother. Not some random kid he met at the park. Of course, if they are living together, it is wonderful he doesn't ?ignore his younger brother and instead makes him feel loved/important/attended to. Teenage boys need a lot of positive male role models, and ones that aren't unemployedjust playing video games or trying to bang chicks or get into trouble sound like a good ones to me. An older brother that works a good job, contributes to the household, loves his parents.... what great things to model for a younger sibling.
Your tone seems to belie your envy for the OP's situation. Perhaps you miss your own family? You seem to be so eager to push the child out in order to "free" the parents, but the OP's initial question merely concerned her child's happiness, not his ability to live on his own.
<sigh> Sure, I'm envious. OK.
OP, I do find the situation sad (as do many other posters, clearly). I would find it even sadder if he is the same at 35, 40, 50. As I wrote before, I just can't imagine that living with his parents forever was something HE always wanted to do (I don't know ANYONE for whom that is the case -- most people in the U.S. at least LIKE the idea of being "out on their own" and independent at SOME point) -- and the whole point of you starting this thread was to ask if he was really happy. The fact that you were ASKING that tells me that you sense, at least sometimes, that he's not. And yeah, that's sad.
Does he have to want to date, get married, have kids, buy a house, etc.? Nope, didn't say that. But to be still living with Mom and Dad and best friends with his 16-years-younger brother as he gets older and older and older ...
My two next door neighbors are a brother/sister who have always lived in their parents' home. I'd estimate them both to be 50-ish. I have spoken with the female but never had any contact with her brother. Their elderly mother passed away last year. When I visited the funeral home, I finally got a chance to speak with the brother and was surprised at how bright, interesting, and well spoken he was on a whole array of topics. There doesn't seem to be anything weird about them. To each their own.
It really IS that old in context, a 30 year old man had no business playing with 14 year old boys as his only means of socialization.
Imagine the man on the left (30 yrs) being best buds with this kid (14 yrs).....
Nah.
30 isn't old at all. There's a good chance he's just trying to really save $. And a number of guys who have never dated meet their first girlfriend in their 30s.
30 only seems old if you're 30. Then you have all the pressures of all your male peers implying how much of a loser you are your potential female suitees telling you you're a loser because you still live with mommy and daddy.
OP, I do find the situation sad (as do many other posters, clearly). I would find it even sadder if he is the same at 35, 40, 50. As I wrote before, I just can't imagine that living with his parents forever was something HE always wanted to do (I don't know ANYONE for whom that is the case -- most people in the U.S. at least LIKE the idea of being "out on their own" and independent at SOME point) -- and the whole point of you starting this thread was to ask if he was really happy. The fact that you were ASKING that tells me that you sense, at least sometimes, that he's not. And yeah, that's sad.
Does he have to want to date, get married, have kids, buy a house, etc.? Nope, didn't say that. But to be still living with Mom and Dad and best friends with his 16-years-younger brother as he gets older and older and older ...
I know what you are trying to say but he is not doomed to live with us forever and I don't think that his life is miserable because he does live with us. In my original post maybe I should have asked other parents if they were in this situation as opposed to whether he is happy or not.
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