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In light of your recent development, while divorcing is not ideal especially when both parents are still on good terms, but I have to agree with you that staying with your lesbian wife is a no go. It isn't fair to either of you in the long run.
DH's cousin was like your wife and she with her husband decided to separate when their boys were in middle/HS years. They always presented a united front when it comes to initial separation, parenting/schooling decisions, and because their boys were older the reason was told as part of reason to separate. yours is quite young so I would leave it out of the mix for time being.
Now nearly 14 years later, they still remain very good friends, kids out of the house and both have remarried so all are quite cordial and live nearby. It can be done if both of you treat each other with respect, be honest going forward in all dealings with each other and with kids. All will be good, but do allow yourself to grieve as the world you known is over. Best of luck to you.
oh, living nearby like your case really helped the transition. They never really stuck with formal custody like the parent didn't call on other parent if it blurred (ie staying more at their house that week/vice versa) so it seems being flexible helped. The kids were free to spend any evenings at their fathers 1/4 mile after their school activities/homework were done, as well weekends too. So perhaps set that up while following 50/50, is not to be too tied to the literal 50/50 arrangement.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm hoping we can experience something similar for the sake of our children.
When my Ex and I divorced my son was 3 1/2. We never fought in front of him, we always attended his school events together, threw his birthday parties together, lived nearby and shared 50/50 custody. As the Dad I made sure to provide very well for them, my Ex never went to work until he was in middle school, he never had daycare. I made sure that life at both homes was equal to eliminate the "Disneyland Dad" syndrome. He had two of everything, one at each house. Even when he started piano I bought two matching pianos, one for each house. Teachers used to praise us for being the best divorced parents they knew. Bottom line - it still screwed him up. Unfortunately, I think that's unavoidable. Sorry.
Sorry to hear this Mike. I worry most about my son who is pretty sensitive. We have a strong bond - much stronger than I ever had with my father. He will be asking a ton of questions and will struggle with understanding why it's happening. I do think having both sets of grandparents (who he absolutely adores) highly involved in his life will help him during this time too.
I have been seeing a therapist and she's offered some wonderful and constructive advice for navigating through this difficult process. I'm just trying to reach out and hear from others so I draw from a number of opinions and experiences.
I will not be talking negatively of my ex. I trust that she won't be speaking ill of me either.
I will not be introducing anyone new to my kids for a long while. If/when that day happens, my kids will be prepared and I certainly would not pursue the relationship if my kids didn't approve.
I can tell you what not to say, since my parents told me and my siblings decades ago that they were getting a divorce.
They sat us down in the LR and told us they were separating, Dad was moving out, and they'd be getting a divorce. They then asked if we had any questions.
That's it.
First, we knew some of what had been going on. I don't know how old your kids are, but depending on that, they may know already about the trouble going on and that divorce might be possible.
Second, give more information than what we got. Where was dad going to live? How would this affect us? Did Dad decide he didn't love us anymore? Did he want to see us? We assumed Dad didn't love us anymore, so left to have a better life and have kids he liked better.
Some mention of being sorry that things turned out that way might have helped. That things happen in a marriage between adults. No one's perfect. But sorry it's come to this. We tried to make it work.
BTW, if one of you has a gf or bf, that's the parent who will probably be blamed, no matter what you both say. It's usually the dad, but could be Mom. Don't mention the infidelity or try to say it's no one's fault, if adultery was involved. Kids are smarter than that (depending on their age).
I never in a million years thought I'd be doing this, but I'm soon going to explain to my children (will soon be age 7 and 4) why their mom and dad are getting a divorce.<>
Divorce in my family goes back at least to both my sets of grandparents. Your children are the age my brother and I were when our parents divorced.
I can't really tell you how I felt, life after just blended into life after and it became pretty much a continuation because we ended up with Mom and a new Dad appeared, we moved away to NYC and my father was invisible until i was 15. He eventually remarried as well. I did not have much to do with his family until after I started a family.
It just did not matter. I lived my life pretty much independent of parents. I do not remember the
explanation.
Now when I divorced the mother of my children, it was much easier, they were 17-20 and all I did was admit I had a new girl friend and I was moving out. No explanation needed. It was good for them and they soon moved out themselves. Probably they were glad to be done with all the hassle and conflict.
The best you can do is just create a regular pattern of life. Avoid the shift of sharing time to accommodate special occasions, stick to the schedule.
Good luck, and keep on moving.
Trust me, it's not an issue that can be worked out.
She is/was a closeted lesbian and now wants to live life that way. We discussed the possibility of an open relationship. However, that doesn't align with my values and quite honestly, I don't see that working out in the town we live in. Plus, I would not want my kids to ever think that lifestyle is acceptable.
I'm not willing to spend the next 14 years of my life without the possibility of dating and/or having a romantic partner. I would not want my kids growing up thinking you have to go to such extreme lengths of sacrificing your own happiness to make others comfortable. By the same token, they will understand the magnitude of this decision (when they're old enough to understand) and to never take lightly the institution of marriage.
I don't want to get in to the hypotheticals of adding spouses/kids to the mix - I just want to focus on adjusting to life after the split (having kids 50% of the time) and strategies I can employ to continue and raise my children to be happy, confident, and well-adjusted kids.
I know a family with a wonderful, well-adjusted teen. When he was quite young, maybe 6 or 7, his mother decided she was a lesbian, and wanted to divorce and be with a woman. The parents lived close to each other. The kids spent time at both parents' houses, according to a basically 50 50 schedule, but with tremendous flexibility, according to what the CHILDREN wanted, not what the parents demanded. When the mom was going to be homeless for the summer, she moved back in with the father and kids temporarily.
This kid, at about the age of 15, when in a group of kids talking about their family's divorces, said, "I don't really know WHY my parents got divorced! They are best friends." And he KNOWS his mother is a lesbian, and spent years staying with her and her partner! He's so comfortable and well-adjusted that he basically just forgot that it's that his mom is gay. It's not denial - the father was terribly hurt by the mother (but didn't let the kids know it) - it's that his parents have treated each other so well, and both been so supportive of the children, that the kid feels comfortable and secure. I know other families that have had this happen, and the kids are FINE. I think it's that the parents remained friends, because they saw it as an unforeseeable occurrence, rather than a betrayal.
You are handling it the best way possible. In this case, I'm not sure that bird nesting (where the kids stay in the same house, and the parents go back and forth) would work forever, but it would be a good way to start. You get a small apt, she either moves in with her girlfriend or gets a small apt, and you keep the kids in the house and go back and forth to them. Later on, you could consider a different arrangement.
If there is not the money to support the house and two cheap apartments (which wouldn't have to be in towns with good schools, to be cheaper), then having the two homes be very close to each other is the best arrangement, preferably close enough that the kids can walk from one house to the other, because that's how kids get around.
Be utterly flexible regarding custody. Have a schedule, like Mon Tues and every other weekend at Mom's and Wed Thurs and every other weekend at Dad's, but be totally flexible to accommodate the children's needs. Never fight in front of the kids, preferably not at all. Speak well of each other in front of the kids, just as you would have done had you remained married. As far as parenting goes, present a unified front to the kids.
As for right now, and how to tell the kids, if at all possible, do bird nesting, even for a very short time. Try having mom/dad go away for the weekend, without telling the kids you're getting divorced. Try doing that for each of you, see how it goes. Give them a little time to get used to that arrangement, bit by bit, then let them know that mom and dad are still best friends, but aren't "in love" the way they used to be, and that you'll be living separately, but otherwise, their lives will stay the same, and that you're still a family for them forever.
If you cannot do bird nesting, even for a short period of time (and I just don't understand how you could NOT be able to do this, even for a short period of time), I'd recommend getting your new place set up, with a welcoming room for them. Tell them together at home that Mom and Dad are still best friends, but aren't in love any more, and that you'll be living separately, and then together say, "Let's take a car ride together to see where you'll stay with Dad." Take the entire family for a visit there and tell them that this is where you'll be living, and that they will come to stay with you there a lot, because, even though mom and dad won't be living together, you love them and want to be with them. If you can make it a place that has an attraction that they don't have at the current home, like an apartment complex with a pool, all the better. They won't have their toys and things at your new place, and if there's a great new toy there, they're going to want to take it home with them. So better to have attractive activities that make them eager to come to you, like a pool, a pet, things that you do together with them. I think that the sit them down together and telling them that you both love them and are still a family for them, but that mom and dad, although best friends, are no longer in love, should happen, but together with showing them how life is going to be okay after the separation.
The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. You cannot stay with her, but you can still be kind, respectful, and supportive towards her, and this will greatly benefit your children.
By the way, you must NEVER express disapproval of your wife's lifestyle, should she decide to make the kids aware of it. And if you go to a church that is anti-homosexuality, leave it. Don't take your kids there. Think of how YOU would feel, if YOU were the one who were gay. Think of how your child would feel, if your child turns out to be gay. And tell your family that if anyone disapproves of gay people, that they must keep it entirely to themselves. Try a Unitarian church, where all people are accepted for who they are.
If you do otherwise, you will create a conflicted situation for your children, who surely love their mother. They can only be hurt by anti-gay sentiments held by their family members. Don't worry, the world will do it for them soon enough. They need all the love and support they can get, from you and your family, and that means loving and supporting their mother, their gay mother. She's not doing this to hurt you - it's just who she is.
Well then... how do you ever expect your kids to survive this trauma??
Part of the solution is teaching your children tolerance/acceptance of other life styles.
Good point! I'm a fairly liberal person and we both strive to teach our kids tolerance and acceptance of all individuals.
To clarify my statement. What I mean is that you should never feel compelled to stay in a relationship that doesn't align with your own values. So for me, I don't want to be in a marriage where both partners are carrying on affairs with others. For some that may work and that's okay. For me it doesn't. I don't want my kids to think they must stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids if their partner is clearly violating their trust.
Also, I am 100% supportive of the LGBTQ community and my kids will be brought up to accept the community as well.
By the way, you must NEVER express disapproval of your wife's lifestyle, should she decide to make the kids aware of it. And if you go to a church that is anti-homosexuality, leave it. Don't take your kids there. Think of how YOU would feel, if YOU were the one who were gay. Think of how your child would feel, if your child turns out to be gay. And tell your family that if anyone disapproves of gay people, that they must keep it entirely to themselves. Try a Unitarian church, where all people are accepted for who they are.
If you do otherwise, you will create a conflicted situation for your children, who surely love their mother. They can only be hurt by anti-gay sentiments held by their family members. Don't worry, the world will do it for them soon enough. They need all the love and support they can get, from you and your family, and that means loving and supporting their mother, their gay mother. She's not doing this to hurt you - it's just who she is.
Hi Parentologist,
Thank you so much for the detailed responses. I will need to save your reply as a helpful resource moving forward.
Also, I am 100% supportive of the LGBTQ community. My kids are and will continue to be raised in a household that abhors and fights against bigotry, racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, and all other forms of discrimination.
My kids have been introduced to a lesbian couple with a kid quite a few times so they are already getting that exposure.
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Well then... how do you ever expect your kids to survive this trauma?? 
