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You’re already saying your ex’s lifestyle is unacceptable and you’re not even divorced yet. I gaze into the crystal ball and see some pretty toxic intolerant behavior. That’s going to produce some very messed up children after a decade or two delivering that message.
I was referring to her extra-marital affairs that she thinks are somehow justified. I'm referring to her spending hours upon hours each day talking/face-timing/etc. with a woman she's carrying on a long-distance relationship while we're still technically married.
Hypothetically speaking...If roles were reversed, I would be praying to high heavens that I would even have a shot at 50/50 and I sure as sh*t wouldn't be carrying on affairs (whether it be physical or emotional) out of respect for my spouse and primarily, due to guilt.
This is not stuff I plan to share with my children. I'm sure they'll eventually figure it out someday.
It is what it is though. I just have to take the high road and do what I feel is best for my children.
Call me a goofy weirdo, but as a mother, I would live amicably with a spouse I didn't have sexual feelings for to keep my kids' home intact. Especially if we got along as friends.
Yah. My kids' well-being supercedes my sex life, and I do not consider that some insane sacrifice. Nor do I think it would turn me into a bitter psycho (the trope everyone trots out).
I wish you the best of luck in all this. Your story hits close to home, in that myself and my sister were both almost the same age when my parents split. Since the divorce, we went from a middle-class to upper middle class family, to living in abject poverty. I've had to scratch, and claw my way through life, and looking back at my gradecards from elementary, you can clearly see the effect of the divorce on my schoolwork (going from straight As, to tons of Bs and Cs). My sister turned out even worse. She ended up in foster care halfway through highschool, and had two children out of wedlock. I sometimes daydream about what could have been, and feel even though I've recovered as an adult, I missed out on so much. Not every story ends up like mine, but the divorce was bar none the worst thing to ever happen to myself and my family.
Call me a goofy weirdo, but as a mother, I would live amicably with a spouse I didn't have sexual feelings for to keep my kids' home intact. Especially if we got along as friends.
Yah. My kids' well-being supercedes my sex life, and I do not consider that some insane sacrifice. Nor do I think it would turn me into a bitter psycho (the trope everyone trots out).
maybe you can do that, but honestly for someone who is in their 40's is just not realistic. OP's kids are quite young, like my kids age and you mean to tell me you're ok to show your kids that living with their dad as a roommate is ok? where is the modeling in showing what a healthy happy and sexual marriage look like?? it wouldn't be fair to OP who already stated that having an affair (even if approved by lesbian wife) doesn't align with his values to live in rest of his healthy 40/50's in a sexless marriage.
it really does sucks, I get it. especially if the OP's wife ALREADY had an inkling of her sexual orientation PRIOR to the wedding, shouldn't have gotten married at all but it is what it is.
That's certainly one way of looking at it. Trust me, there are days/moments where I think this too. She has said on many occasions how she feels like a terrible mother and doesn't enjoy being one. She does, however, love our kids and it shows in the time she invests in them. She does love them despite her poor choices.
As I said in another post, I really don't expect people to relate or truly understand this complex situation. Had she kept this secret in longer, I really fear she may done something to hurt herself as her mental health was deteriorating and keeping me on the edge constantly. She is like an entirely new person now. I'm happy she's found some inner peace - I just hate the fact that it came at our expense.
I appreciate all the constructive advice some people are giving. This is going to be a tough road ahead. I'm just fortunate I'm blessed with an amazing family & support network, a positive/optimistic approach to life, and good health & financial resources to support the kids.
As this is the parenting forum, I'm not surprised with the level of subjective judgement here ; however, I do think it is important to recognize that what is right for one family, isn't always right for another family.
OP didn't choose this - he's looking for advice on how to soften the blow for his kids. Let's take into consideration the fact that parents are inherently role models for children, whether intentional or unintentional. How could experiencing the model of "stick it out until the kids are grown" impact them? Well, that depends on a lot of factors, including how that situation is communicated to the children. Perhaps it would encourage a kiddo that is LBGTQ to come out earlier. Or, it could send the message (to any child) that you should always sacrifice all of your needs for your kids, no matter the situation. This could be generalized to an adult child as "don't divorce the person that is abusing you" without adequate discussion around why the parents chose the path they did. Kids internalize a lot more than parents think - even when they are young. Most families tend to under communicate - especially with young kids. Regardless, in this case, it appears the stage has been set and this is already in motion - despite the voices that want to criticize and/or change mom's decision.
Bottom line is, the best path forward is age-appropriate communication. Use the therapist to work through the issues you both want to convey and ask him or her when the ideal times are to communicate those messages. IMHO, the more communication, the better. Life isn't ideal. Parents aren't perfect. Parents have needs too, and sometimes (as in this case) they conflict. Teach your children to handle adversity with grace and encourage them to express any and all feelings they have about this split - both now, and throughout their lives. You can't change the past, but you can help your children to learn emotional resilience and critical thinking about their own lives through this challenging process. We learn more from failure than from success if we are able to rise above feelings of defeat and provide open channels of empathy and communication.
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