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Old 03-05-2018, 05:55 AM
 
Location: Location: Location
6,222 posts, read 7,407,334 times
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Tell her she can go live with the BF full time. Also tell her that she cannot take the car (and insurance) with her when she goes.

She is 18. You got her this far and if she wants to cohabit at this age, she doesn't have to ask your permission. Bear in mind, she's sleeping with a minor.

I find it hard to believe that you were/are willing to negotiate how many nights a week she gets to sleep over. You are the parent. It is your home. You get to make the rules. Negotiations don't apply.

Seriously wondering if the BF's Mom would willingly accept your daughter living in her home full time. Especially since she doesn't seem to have sufficient funds of her own to pay for room and board.
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Old 03-05-2018, 06:21 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
5,870 posts, read 7,100,012 times
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It's time for a sit down discussion with you, her mother and your daughter. There is an unwritten, and kind of unspoken, contract here. It's time that it was fully acknowledged and stated.

Tell her that you are happy to be able to help her with school expenses, living expenses, her car and insurance, etc. I say that because most parents are happy to be able to help their children in this way.

Tell her you expectations and your thoughts very clearly. Clearly tell her the consequences of not meeting those expectations. Listen to her. Compromise where, and if, you can.

On a positive note, most people with the ambition to go to nursing school and work part-time will grow tired of a slacker like her BF. Maybe the BF will be inspired by her to finish his education and begin to move into adulthood. If he doesn't, she will eventually drop him as she grows and matures.
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Old 03-05-2018, 06:27 AM
 
1,457 posts, read 515,171 times
Reputation: 4806
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
It's time for a sit down discussion with you, her mother and your daughter. There is an unwritten, and kind of unspoken, contract here. It's time that it was fully acknowledged and stated.

Tell her that you are happy to be able to help her with school expenses, living expenses, her car and insurance, etc. I say that because most parents are happy to be able to help their children in this way.

Tell her you expectations and your thoughts very clearly. Clearly tell her the consequences of not meeting those expectations. Listen to her. Compromise where, and if, you can.

On a positive note, most people with the ambition to go to nursing school and work part-time will grow tired of a slacker like her BF. Maybe the BF will be inspired by her to finish his education and begin to move into adulthood. If he doesn't, she will eventually drop him as she grows and matures.



Your last paragraph especially is a very good point.
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Old 03-05-2018, 06:27 AM
 
251 posts, read 88,358 times
Reputation: 393
Try and look at things from a bird's eye view.

Ultimately you chose to bring a child into this world. Remember that - You chose.

Now realize that despite your best efforts that child is now an adult and an independent sentient organism that is separate from yourself capable of making it's own decisions.

You should have had a clarification conversation long before she turned 18 about her future. You are no longer legally obligated to do anything for her.

It sounds like you didn't have any talks with her about expectations regarding financial support and house rules.

Moderator cut: Astrics intended as inappropriate language
That aside, the real issue here is you don't want your daughter to get pregnant by a bum and drop out of nursing school. OK that is PERFECTLY reasonable. But to expect an 18 year old to not want to have sex and spend time with the opposite sex is foolish. Is the concern regarding responsibility and focus towards her studies OR micromanaging her vagina and love life. Finances and control over her behavior are too intermingled here. There should be clearly defined REASONABLE boundaries.

Just know if you pull the leash too tight she is going to break the leash and then make life decisions you don't like that much quicker - But it seems to me what you've failed to communicate is that it's HER LIFE. And she has a choice to make. You won't like the choice. She is not your little girl anymore.

Last edited by june 7th; 03-05-2018 at 08:10 AM..
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Old 03-05-2018, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Lake Forest Round Rock, Tx
1,024 posts, read 1,583,578 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
I appreciate all the responses. She does work part time which pays for her gas, and extras she needs. I know she is having sex, and I cant stop that. I just dont agree with the spending the night over there. My main concern is that I want her to live like shes 18 not 25 and of course not get pregnant.,

She asked me when she turned 18 if she could spend the night at her boyfriends house. I agreed, thinking it was one night and or once in a while. Then she started doing it regularly so I put a limit on it, thats how I got to 3 nights a week max. Id rather go back to zero but its too late for that now.

As far as nursing school, she just started 2 weeks ago so dont have any grades yet. I contributed about 25% of the cost of school and she is taking out loans for the rest.


It's not too late. You're the parent. Only four simply words need to be said to your daughter: "I changed my mind." Of course, explain your stance so that she'll understand there is a valid reason for the change. My son is now 23, but when he turned 18, my husband incessantly used the "he's an adult now" argument. I didn't agree. In my opinion, an 18 year old is NOT an adult. The law may say so, but physiologically, NO. An 18 year old thinks no differently than she/he did at 17. Studies have shown that the brain isn't fully developed until age 25 or so. When my nine year old daughter turns 18, please believe I will still have much reign over her life. And spending the night over a boy's house while she's still under my roof? Forget it.


If your daughter wants to play by her rules, then she needs to get a place of her own.
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Old 03-05-2018, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Winterpeg
648 posts, read 230,181 times
Reputation: 2628
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
So ... to me, it's time to remind her that she doesn't get to be a child and and adult at the same time.
Yes, this. It's a hard age to live at home, so there needs to be a clear agreement about how things are going to go. And being the parents, you get to set the standard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs.JT View Post
Dayummmm, Gina!! This is a bit "too MURCH."
Indeed. Gross, and unneccesary. Dad has already said he knows she's having sex, it's the staying at the boyfriend's that he is having issues with.
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Old 03-05-2018, 07:51 AM
 
9,880 posts, read 5,732,791 times
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How did we ever manage to date boys without staying at their parents houses in their rooms overnight?

Yeah, NO.
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,109 posts, read 37,751,245 times
Reputation: 73813
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
On a positive note, most people with the ambition to go to nursing school and work part-time will grow tired of a slacker like her BF. Maybe the BF will be inspired by her to finish his education and begin to move into adulthood. If he doesn't, she will eventually drop him as she grows and matures.
Yep. Nursing school will get very tough very quickly.
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:29 AM
 
6,785 posts, read 2,636,042 times
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I'm not quite sure I understand a nursing school that you can go to full time that starts in late February - are you talking about some kind of med tech training?

"Nursing School" as I know it requires two years of college, and then you apply to nursing school and that is another 2 years and you end up with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing.

But anyway.

Most college students (like your daughter) go away to college and sleep with whomever they wish away from parental influence.
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:45 AM
 
189 posts, read 70,645 times
Reputation: 423
It is probably just a phase (most girls that age went through a loser or two). However be careful with how you react to this situation. Your short term satisfaction of exerting control over the situation, could lead to long term heartache of passing on this kids' loser genetics through your daughter, and having him involved in your family for a long time. It will pass.
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