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Old 03-05-2018, 09:47 AM
 
1,526 posts, read 574,207 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo View Post
Dad has already said he knows she's having sex, it's the staying at the boyfriend's that he is having issues with.

I am struggling to understand the dad’s thinking on this. He knows she is having sex. She is of legal age. So far, so good.

What he objects to is her staying overnight at the boyfriend’s. This is where my struggle begins.

She is having sex with this boy and presumably could go over to his house on, say, Saturday during the day and spend the day in bed having sex. The dad knows she has sex and is at least resigned to this. The problem arises if she goes over to the boyfriend’s house, say, on Saturday evening instead and spends the night in bed with the guy having sex?

I am not trying to be snarky, disingenuous, or deliberately obtuse, but what is the difference?

Added: is the concern something else such as worrying she will not study enough or get sufficient sleep? If so, why not say so?
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Old 03-05-2018, 09:55 AM
 
7,964 posts, read 3,139,142 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gusano View Post
I am struggling to understand the dadís thinking on this. He knows she is having sex. She is of legal age. So far, so good.

What he objects to is her staying overnight at the boyfriendís. This is where my struggle begins.

She is having sex with this boy and presumably could go over to his house on, say, Saturday during the day and spend the day in bed having sex. The dad knows she has sex and is at least resigned to this. The problem arises if she goes over to the boyfriendís house, say, on Saturday evening instead and spends the night in bed with the guy having sex?

I am not trying to be snarky, disingenuous, or deliberately obtuse, but what is the difference?
I don't get it either.

To say you can only stay there 4 nights a week seems . . . really odd.

Back when I was in high school, I had an acquaintance whose boyfriend moved in to her house (he had family issues of some kind) and he lived in their basement. She was allowed to spend time down there, but was required to come back to her room at night after they "finished", as her mother said, because spending all night down there was "nasty girl" behavior.

That came back to me when I read the OP. I don't get limiting her to 4 nights spending the night with her boyfriend - to me, it's none or as many as she wishes.
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:19 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
35,696 posts, read 43,883,095 times
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Dad, I dont care if she is 18. If you are paying for her support, she should respect your rules.
The horse is out of the barn as far as the boyfriend. You missed the boat on that one, and the problem did not start on her 18th birthday.

I have no problem with paying for her education or other nice things, IF she is doing well in school. My fear about the boyfriend is that the relationship will affect her schooling. Perhaps at this point you should just hang on until she inevitably figures out that he is a loser.

If she flunks out, or quits school, then I would pull the car, the phone and the free rent immediately. Your goal is to get her educated and self supporting, so do whatever it takes for now. Once she graduates, give her 3 months to get a job and move out.

In our family, the kids job was school. They lived at home and slept at home unless they lived at college. We helped them with cars by either letting them use one or co-signing for them. A few came back after college, but only til they got a job. They would not have dared to do what your daughter is doing.
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,377 posts, read 3,846,786 times
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You don't have to give your daughter any luxury items.

I get that you are paying for her schooling.

Does she need?
A cell phone, NOPE. She can get a part time job and pay for her own.
A brand new car? NOPE She can either take the bus or trade the new car in for a decent second hand car. If you feel like it, continue to pay for her insurance.

Now to address the sleeping situation at the boyfriend's house.
1, you don't like the boy (or don't respect him because he has no job and doesn't go to school)
2, you mentioned that his mother is divorced (what does that matter? not at ALL)
3, I think you are having a hard time accepting that your daughter is having sex.

She is already in this relationship and she's 18, so she's an adult.

You can't MAKE her stay home, so have a tough decision to make. Yes, it is your house so you can make the rules even though she is an adult.

My solution would be: let the boyfriend stay at your house now and then, even if you don't like him.
Stick to your rules about the 3 nights/week max that she goes to his house.

Tell her that if she breaks the rules after that, then you will cut off from ALL that you pay for except her schooling, and she has to move out (I know you don't want her to move out)
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
10,913 posts, read 3,580,482 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I've been thinking more about your problem.

Frankly, I do not know any parents that would allow their 18 year old child, while they were living at home and while they were supporting them, to spend the night at a boy friend or girl friend's house. Now, it might be different if she was older (22 plus), graduated from college and working full time supporting herself but just living at home to save money or pay off loans. But, 18, especially dating a 17 year old, absolutely not.

My husband and I certainly would not have allowed it. My husband would have said "You decide. You can live at home and we will support you or you can move out and you can support yourself." (disclaimer, our children did not live at home and we did not support them. Our children went away for college, worked and took out many student loans---we only helped with some college expenses).

Is she keeping up with her studies? Are her grades acceptable? Is she helping around the house with all of her chores? If she has that much extra time to spend with her boyfriend perhaps she needs to get a part time job to help with her college expenses.

Another thing to consider is that she is probably not getting the "full college experience" of meeting new people, joining college clubs, doing college activities if she is so attached to a HS student. I would really be surprised if she stays in college. I suspect that she will drop out long before she graduates (possibly due to a pregnancy).


I agree! I would tell her that if she wants to continue to be under your roof and have her things paid for by you than she has to respect your rules. Unfortunately you have to be careful as this could backfire and you don't want that to happen, at the same rate you don't want her to end up pregnant by this bum either!
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Old 03-05-2018, 10:47 AM
 
15,255 posts, read 16,379,578 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
It's time for a sit down discussion with you, her mother and your daughter. There is an unwritten, and kind of unspoken, contract here. It's time that it was fully acknowledged and stated.

Tell her that you are happy to be able to help her with school expenses, living expenses, her car and insurance, etc. I say that because most parents are happy to be able to help their children in this way.

Tell her you expectations and your thoughts very clearly. Clearly tell her the consequences of not meeting those expectations. Listen to her. Compromise where, and if, you can.

On a positive note, most people with the ambition to go to nursing school and work part-time will grow tired of a slacker like her BF. Maybe the BF will be inspired by her to finish his education and begin to move into adulthood. If he doesn't, she will eventually drop him as she grows and matures.
This. ^^^^

Plus explain to her why you think she should back off and date this boy rather than enter into some pseudo domestic relationship with him. She's 18 and this is the time of life when she can finally enjoy being an adult, meet new people and have new adventures. Holing up with a 17-year-old drop out 3-4 days a week doesn't sound fun at all. She can date him and still go out with girlfriends and have other kinds of fun.

Tell her what your expectations are for her and also encourage and empower her to want a lot out of life and be willing to work for it.
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:10 AM
 
1,890 posts, read 1,216,668 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
OK here is my dilemma. My daughter is 18, just started full time nursing school and lives at home. I pay for her brand new car with insurance, Food and cell phone.

She has been dating a 17 yr old boy that dropped out of high school for about a year. When she turned 18, she started staying over at his house quite often and his divorced mother lets them sleep in the same room. Im not happy about that at all. I noticed after a couple weeks that it was too much for my taste. I told her that as long as I am supporting her ( car,phone,food,room) she has to sleep at home 4 nights per week or more. ( i figured thats more than 50%). Im not really happy with any nights at his house but being that she is 18 I figured i would try and be reasonable. My wife is behind me with whatever I do.

Daughter pushes the limits every week and I have to remind her how many nights she has been gone. Tonight was a blowout with her wanting to go over there with no nights left.

What do you guys and gals think?
18 and still living at home and getting supported by you- I'd say she needs to be sleeping at home, period. Who lets kids sleep over in the same bed at 17 and 18?
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:13 AM
 
4,328 posts, read 6,685,528 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
My main concern is that I want her to live like shes 18 not 25 and of course not get pregnant.,
She *is* living like an 18y/o, although a very pampered/privileged one. At least what I remember of 17~20 (3 decades ago) and my wife at 20 (2 decades ago). Surprisingly enough, our parents both gave us the sex ed talk so knowledge of how to not get pregnant was had. For me, motivation came in the form of a cost breakdown (my own mother was a nurse, had real world costs).

Decide what's important and discuss it with her, point blank. No beating around the bush or pulling punches. My guess (I didn't see it mentioned by you/OP) is that you're not concerned about the sex/sleeping over but the distraction from school and potential to be an unwed mother. There might be other concerns too, that's for you to decide yourself.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you've done your job as parent right and she's capable of managing her own life. Or if you've failed and need to manager her life for her. Once you decide, act accordingly.

I'll point out that my parents cut me off at 17 when I graduated HS and did early enrollment at college. It was a fast-track to learning how to manage my budget and Maybe a little abrupt. My wifes parent cut her off in the middle of college when we moved in together which was less abrupt as she was 21 (7 year medical degree). In both cases we were more than capable of managing our lives. Might be hard to do, but she will have to manage her own life Sometime.
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:23 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
35,696 posts, read 43,883,095 times
Reputation: 59283
Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
You don't have to give your daughter any luxury items.

I get that you are paying for her schooling.

Does she need?
A cell phone, NOPE. She can get a part time job and pay for her own.
A brand new car? NOPE She can either take the bus or trade the new car in for a decent second hand car. If you feel like it, continue to pay for her insurance.

Now to address the sleeping situation at the boyfriend's house.
1, you don't like the boy (or don't respect him because he has no job and doesn't go to school)
2, you mentioned that his mother is divorced (what does that matter? not at ALL)
3, I think you are having a hard time accepting that your daughter is having sex.

She is already in this relationship and she's 18, so she's an adult.

You can't MAKE her stay home, so have a tough decision to make. Yes, it is your house so you can make the rules even though she is an adult.

My solution would be: let the boyfriend stay at your house now and then, even if you don't like him.
Stick to your rules about the 3 nights/week max that she goes to his house.

Tell her that if she breaks the rules after that, then you will cut off from ALL that you pay for except her schooling, and she has to move out (I know you don't want her to move out)
In most cases, one more phone in a group plan doesnít cost much, so no big deal about the phone IMO.
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:28 AM
 
1,526 posts, read 574,207 times
Reputation: 5050
To the person who pm’d me a possible explanation, thank you. It is something which never would have occurred to me, but does give a new perspective.
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