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Old 03-05-2018, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,849 posts, read 5,054,657 times
Reputation: 11707

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Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
OK here is my dilemma. My daughter is 18, just started full time nursing school and lives at home. I pay for her brand new car with insurance, Food and cell phone.

She has been dating a 17 yr old boy that dropped out of high school for about a year. When she turned 18, she started staying over at his house quite often and his divorced mother lets them sleep in the same room. Im not happy about that at all. I noticed after a couple weeks that it was too much for my taste. I told her that as long as I am supporting her ( car,phone,food,room) she has to sleep at home 4 nights per week or more. ( i figured thats more than 50%). Im not really happy with any nights at his house but being that she is 18 I figured i would try and be reasonable. My wife is behind me with whatever I do.

Daughter pushes the limits every week and I have to remind her how many nights she has been gone. Tonight was a blowout with her wanting to go over there with no nights left.

What do you guys and gals think?
OP, why don't you like for her to sleep at his house?
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Old 03-05-2018, 01:58 PM
 
27,514 posts, read 38,883,553 times
Reputation: 35618
Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
I appreciate all the responses. She does work part time which pays for her gas, and extras she needs. I know she is having sex, and I cant stop that. I just dont agree with the spending the night over there. My main concern is that I want her to live like shes 18 not 25 and of course not get pregnant.,

She asked me when she turned 18 if she could spend the night at her boyfriends house. I agreed, thinking it was one night and or once in a while. Then she started doing it regularly so I put a limit on it, thats how I got to 3 nights a week max. Id rather go back to zero but its too late for that now.

As far as nursing school, she just started 2 weeks ago so dont have any grades yet. I contributed about 25% of the cost of school and she is taking out loans for the rest.
Ground zero. You were played.
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:03 PM
 
845 posts, read 1,670,823 times
Reputation: 1065
Quote:
To the person who pm’d me a possible explanation, thank you. It is something which never would have occurred to me, but does give a new perspective.
Like to share it with the class?

Also, I've never understood these rules where parents treat their young adults like babies just because they live at home. I went to college at 18, lived in a dorm. My parents never had any idea where I was.
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:09 PM
 
1,526 posts, read 576,603 times
Reputation: 5050
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiacook View Post
Like to share it with the class?


No. That person messaged me privately. That person is free to share with the class if he or she wishes to do so. The message was unsigned or I would have made my thanks private as well. I hope you will understand.
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:17 PM
 
27,514 posts, read 38,883,553 times
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^^ Good attitude.
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Old 03-05-2018, 02:35 PM
 
10,767 posts, read 6,117,956 times
Reputation: 11187
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiacook View Post
Like to share it with the class?

Also, I've never understood these rules where parents treat their young adults like babies just because they live at home. I went to college at 18, lived in a dorm. My parents never had any idea where I was.
They are dependents living under the parents roof, just like when they were babies. Living in a dorm is different.
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Old 03-05-2018, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
10,939 posts, read 3,598,132 times
Reputation: 13302
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiacook View Post
Like to share it with the class?

Also, I've never understood these rules where parents treat their young adults like babies just because they live at home. I went to college at 18, lived in a dorm. My parents never had any idea where I was.


My house, my rules, plus paying for a new car, etc! No way is my 18 yr old daughter staying overnight at some boyfriend's house. She can do anything she wants when she moves out! Sounds like this girl is going to college and the boyfriend is a bum. I'd have a good talk with her and steer her in a better direction.
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Old 03-05-2018, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Central IL
14,160 posts, read 7,702,005 times
Reputation: 33014
Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
I appreciate all the responses. She does work part time which pays for her gas, and extras she needs. I know she is having sex, and I cant stop that. I just dont agree with the spending the night over there. My main concern is that I want her to live like shes 18 not 25 and of course not get pregnant.,

She asked me when she turned 18 if she could spend the night at her boyfriends house. I agreed, thinking it was one night and or once in a while. Then she started doing it regularly so I put a limit on it, thats how I got to 3 nights a week max. Id rather go back to zero but its too late for that now.

As far as nursing school, she just started 2 weeks ago so dont have any grades yet. I contributed about 25% of the cost of school and she is taking out loans for the rest.
But I'm assuming there's no way you allow the guy to stay overnight at your house in her room...so you really think that she/he is satisfied with sex "once in awhile" or one night a week? Heck no! This was unworkable to start with and you were fooling yourself.

It was apparently your choice to give the car but unspoken, you thought her gratitude would buy you obedience. It's a bit late to try to go back on that without making matters worse.

Her part time job is a joke since she's taking out loans to pay for her share. That is only gas and fun money and in her mind the loans aren't even a real thing until she has to start paying them back - she certainly doesn't have the perception of any "skin in the game". That needs to change or she WILL be dropping out of school very quickly and staying with the BF 100% of the time, day and night.
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
8,028 posts, read 5,544,583 times
Reputation: 9708
Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
OK here is my dilemma. My daughter is 18, just started full time nursing school and lives at home. I pay for her brand new car with insurance, Food and cell phone.

She has been dating a 17 yr old boy that dropped out of high school for about a year.<>My wife is behind me with whatever I do.

Daughter pushes the limits every week and I have to remind her how many nights she has been gone. Tonight was a blowout with her wanting to go over there with no nights left.

What do you guys and gals think?
Why set limits now? You apparently never did before. Are you going to wait until you are a grandparent?
Friends of mine let the boyfriend live in their house with frequent sleeping together. Turns out he was a felon and did the crime, did the time again after the baby was born.
Since then she has been thru three boyfriend/husbands and never finished high school. Mom bailed them out for years, literally. She has two grandbabies out of the deal.

"Stop it now or forever hold your tongue"
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Old 03-06-2018, 03:46 AM
 
15,915 posts, read 18,950,915 times
Reputation: 25833
Everyone is right about your blowing it by letting her think spending the night away from home was ok.

You have a few options still to try to rein her in. Here are my suggestions.

I think that if your daughter has that much free time from her college studies that she can go spend that much time frolicking with her boyfriend she should be putting more hours into her part time job.

Tell her she has to pay for her own vehicle, insurance and phone. If you have to, make something up regarding your finances, so it will have to be her decision to earn more money. Or, tell her if her grades are not exemplary, she'll have to pay her listed expenses.

Nothing good will come of her spending time like this with a minor who is irresponsible. Don't forbid her from seeing him, because that might backfire, but put your foot down re: her financial contributions.

You'll be doing her and her future a favor.
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