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Old 03-06-2018, 06:54 AM
Location: Monnem Germany/ from San Diego
2,257 posts, read 2,380,819 times
Reputation: 4674


Originally Posted by dbsteel View Post
18 and still living at home and getting supported by you- I'd say she needs to be sleeping at home, period. Who lets kids sleep over in the same bed at 17 and 18?
Pretty much everyone here.
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Old 03-06-2018, 11:37 PM
3,724 posts, read 3,478,689 times
Reputation: 9831
She has a boyfriend and wants to be with him. You feel you're supporting her financially (some), and you want to maintain ties, like having her sleep in her own little girl bed under your roof. Tough dilemma. You want her to succeed in nursing school, so you don't want to sabotage her by withdrawing financial support. But you don't like her sleeping over at boyfriend's house.

I suspect if you pressure her, she'll move over there. Maybe drop out. I think if you want to see her, you'd best be more welcoming to the boy, who sounds like a loser, and hope she comes to her senses.

You could warn her that continuing financial support is contingent upon excellent school performance, that she only gets one shot at it with your support.
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Old 01-25-2019, 12:04 AM
Location: SC
46 posts, read 15,064 times
Reputation: 57
Default Having The Same Issues With My 18 YR. OLD BUT MUCH WORSE

I am having the same issue with my 18-year-old, but much much worse. My 18-year-old daughter is pregnant and has now moved in with her boyfriend and his mother. She was supposed to go into the Air Force and on her final exam, she found out she was pregnant. I was devastated and disappointed. I do not like the family and I tried my best to ship her off to the military because of that. She and her BF family have now turned on me because I told them exactly how I felt about them and how I wished my plan had work. Needless to say, I am public enemy number 1. In my opinion, the family and the son are the blind leading the blind. I tried to put my child on a good path and she ran off and joined the circus, literally. My main issue is really with the parents. What parents let their child, son or daughter, just lay up in their house and use it as a hotel??? These new age parents just really make me SICK. I even found out that the BF trash mom use to let my daughter and her BF use the same hotel room she used while she cheated on her husband her BF stepfather. I blame the parents. My mother would NEVER let me or my brother do that. RESPECT is at an all-time low, and adults are NOT setting good examples. PERIOD!!!!
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Old 01-25-2019, 12:13 AM
Location: planet earth
3,867 posts, read 1,384,688 times
Reputation: 8570
OP: What are you trying to accomplish, exactly?

If the issue is that she is an adult and is doing what she wants (but that you are financing her schooling and expenses), then you need to have a discussion about that.

But first you need to decide what exactly the problem is and what you would like as a solution. She's not going to regress back into a child.
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Old 01-27-2019, 02:43 AM
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,129 posts, read 6,527,867 times
Reputation: 3088
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
OK here is my dilemma. My daughter is 18, just started full time nursing school and lives at home. I pay for her brand new car with insurance, Food and cell phone.

She has been dating a 17 yr old boy that dropped out of high school for about a year. When she turned 18, she started staying over at his house quite often and his divorced mother lets them sleep in the same room. Im not happy about that at all. I noticed after a couple weeks that it was too much for my taste. I told her that as long as I am supporting her ( car,phone,food,room) she has to sleep at home 4 nights per week or more. ( i figured thats more than 50%). Im not really happy with any nights at his house but being that she is 18 I figured i would try and be reasonable. My wife is behind me with whatever I do.

Daughter pushes the limits every week and I have to remind her how many nights she has been gone. Tonight was a blowout with her wanting to go over there with no nights left.

What do you guys and gals think?
Get over it.
She’s 18 and all you’re going to do is ruin your relationship with her.
“My house, my rules” applies to what goes on under your roof.
She’s 18 and legally if she wants to spend the night somewhere else she’s allowed to.
Cut the apron strings she’s an adult now.

She’s a full time student. She’s out there working hard for her future so she’s entitled to some downtime and to be able to relax.

All you’re going to do is force her to move out before she’s ready jeopardizing her finishing college.
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Old 01-27-2019, 02:48 AM
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,129 posts, read 6,527,867 times
Reputation: 3088
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
My first thought is that she is never going to make it through a nursing program with that kind of social life. Who is paying for her schooling?

My second thought is that you are sending her mixed messages. If she can sleep with her boyfriend 3 nights, why not 7? I wouldn't be happy with the situation either, but since you've already decided you can accept her spending the night with him half the week, taking a stand over her sex life doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

On the other hand, if you resent her using you as an ATM while she completely blows off any responsibilities at home and school, that's a discussion worth having. I would continue the support you currently provide based on her agreeing to concentrate on school ( and show you her grades), and do any chores required as a member of the family.
Thatís not a ďsocial lifeĒ.
Spending the night at her boyfriends isnít going out.

When I still lived at home I was spending the night at DBs like 5/6 nights a week, Iíd take stuff over to his house to shower and get ready for work in the morning.

I literally go over at like 10pm after work just to eat dinner with him and then lay in bed and watch tv before we went to sleep.
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Old 01-27-2019, 02:51 AM
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,129 posts, read 6,527,867 times
Reputation: 3088
Originally Posted by Mrs.JT View Post
It's not too late. You're the parent. Only four simply words need to be said to your daughter: "I changed my mind." Of course, explain your stance so that she'll understand there is a valid reason for the change. My son is now 23, but when he turned 18, my husband incessantly used the "he's an adult now" argument. I didn't agree. In my opinion, an 18 year old is NOT an adult. The law may say so, but physiologically, NO. An 18 year old thinks no differently than she/he did at 17. Studies have shown that the brain isn't fully developed until age 25 or so. When my nine year old daughter turns 18, please believe I will still have much reign over her life. And spending the night over a boy's house while she's still under my roof? Forget it.

If your daughter wants to play by her rules, then she needs to get a place of her own.
Your daughter will only do what I did.
I told my mom I was spending the night at a female friends house and then Iíd instead go over to my boyfriends. Plus if sheís goes off to college you wonít be able to control where she sleeps at night. Unless youíre willing to implant a tracking device.
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Old 01-27-2019, 02:52 AM
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,129 posts, read 6,527,867 times
Reputation: 3088
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Yep. Nursing school will get very tough very quickly.
Have you forgotten what itís like to be 18?
I havenít.
It doesnít matter how busy anyone is, your sex drive at that age is crazy and cannot be ignored.
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Old 01-28-2019, 05:06 AM
Location: Long Island
6,377 posts, read 2,736,980 times
Reputation: 4570
Originally Posted by kiacook View Post
Like to share it with the class?

Also, I've never understood these rules where parents treat their young adults like babies just because they live at home. I went to college at 18, lived in a dorm. My parents never had any idea where I was.
Yes, I don't get this. If she were living in a dorm which her parents paid for, they'd have no idea with whom she was spending the night. How is sleeping at the boyfriend's any different? And if the parents trash talk the guy too much. it may just push her closer to him.

Based on the first post, I thought the parents were paying for everything. But the kid also has a part-time job and has taken out her own loans. Sounds pretty responsible to me. Why anyone qpukd buy a brand new car for an 18 year old is questionable. Ours either got a hand me down if the timing was right or a very used car.

Hopefully she's on effective birth control.

If her grades are not good her first semester, there may need to be a discussion about her priorities and a withdrawal of financial support if she can't get her grades up. Other than that, I would leave it alone.
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Old 01-28-2019, 10:31 AM
Location: Colorado
10,524 posts, read 6,665,135 times
Reputation: 18914
Wow, it sure looks like a lot of parents with kids on the cusp of adulthood, deal with this kind of stuff...I was amazed that the OP's situation was really similar to what I'm dealing with, only I'm in the position of the BOY'S mother.

He is 17, he just dropped out of high school after a year of struggling and flailing around...but we do have him registered for a GED "Fast Track" prep class, so we expect him to have his GED soon. He is one of those kids who is very intelligent, just if he gets bored or isn't interested in the material, he refuses to put effort into it. Which honestly...I think a kid of lower intelligence with a better work ethic might do better in life, so I'm not bragging on my kid if I say he's smart...he is smart but not wise. However, there are no drug problems, no violence, and I think we can have him on track to be an independent (more or less) adult by the end of the year, shortly after he turns 18 in the fall.

Part of his struggle in school though, is that when he's got a girlfriend, she is like the center of his whole universe. He cares about nothing ahead of her.

But the girlfriend he has, who just turned 18...well she hasn't been spending the night. She did a few nights over the holiday break, but she had assured me her parents were ok with that, because they were on break from school. Well she might have lied, she does that a lot. But in general I know her parents want her home by 10, so I do what I can to make sure she is home by 10, including driving her home. I know they are sexually active. But I also know she has an implant (birth control), and I also have supplied them with condoms, and I've taken my son for STI testing. All part of being responsible as a sexually active young adult. I most definitely do not buy into "abstinence only" positions for kids this age. I would much rather they learn how to be as safe as possible, because whether it's under my roof when they are 17/18, or out in some apartment when they are 20/21...they WILL be having sex sooner or later, and likely they'll be doing so when they are NOT prepared to make babies. I think it is delusional to expect any people of this age to wait to have sex until they're married and ready to reproduce. People have sex for reasons besides procreation, most of the time.

Her parents may hate me (she says they do) because I am a single parent, because my son isn't a successful student, or because I let them have sex in my home. But I don't try to impose more control than I consider to be practical on other people, even my own son. It seems to work better for me to advise, influence, and guide...rather than to stomp my foot and demand things. I could not force him to do his schoolwork, so I looked into the other alternatives, and I explained them to him, all the pros and cons, and we made a decision together. I'm treating him like a semi-adult, trying to prepare him for being an adult. I'm not treating him like a little child, because at 17, he's not one. How the girl's parents feel about me, does not trouble me one bit. If I wanted to, I could point to shortcomings in their daughter or how they raised her, but that would be entirely beside the point. I'm not here to be a critic, I'm sure they have done the best they could. I'm here to do what I can to teach and guide these young people so that when they step out into the world, hopefully they don't fall flat on their faces. And I put some energy into the girlfriend, too, because frankly I like her. She's got a lot of issues but she's got a good heart. I don't think that she and my son will end up "happily ever after" together, but I do think they are learning and growing a lot in this relationship.
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